Messed up marrying the wrong guy, where to go from here - give it to me straight please

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you should divorce. Honestly, I think you'll be so happy. Especially since you don't rely on your husband financially. Make sure that you and your husband co-parent gracefully. I was in a situation like yours. It's amazing how my feelings for my ex shifted once I no longer wanted him to be my husband. We could move into more suitable roles, and therefore respect each other. He is a great dad and my kid sees us working well together to parent her. I also have a new relationship that fits me MUCH better, because now I have a clearer view of what I really need from a romantic partner and how to spot it. Food luck! and to hell with all the haters!

+1

[Anonymous]

But you made the decision to make a child with him less than 3 years ago? Clearly you liked him and respected him then. How did you do a 180 on him in such a short period
Of
Time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But you made the decision to make a child with him less than 3 years ago? Clearly you liked him and respected him then. How did you do a 180 on him in such a short period
Of
Time?

Not OP, but I recall my aunt telling my cousin that fatherhood would change her DH. My aunt really believed that. And she pressured my cousin to not only stay in the marriage, but to get pregnant. My cousin listened to her mom unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you get divorced (and let's be real women who have this attitude at your age typically get divorced), honestly, don't even bother with relationships again until you've had a LOT of therapy.

Your thought process sounds very selfish and immature. Marriage is not all about you and your husband is not some accessory that needs to be fit and make a lot of money to make you look good.

This toxic dynamic that you've established with him also affects him and his confidence and ability to excel- you have contempt for him, which makes him feel uncomfortable and insecure, which leads him to be insecure at work and eat his feelings, which only makes you show more contempt, and so on. I mean, how would you feel if the person who is supposed to be your partner and main support in life thought you were some loser? Further, what would you have done if your husband was ill and you really had to take care of him? Would you have dumped him? He really deserves better. Anybody would.

And news flash, you're not Meghan Markle and successful men aren't going to line up to marry a 37 year old divorcee with a toddler no matter how fit you are. There's just a lot of magical thinking reflected in your posts.

Did you divorce?

(BTW, I think OP should divorce her DH for his sake. I can't imagine someone I love and live with having such contempt for me. And having my DD witnessing such dysfunction. I am sure DD will be disappointing her mom sometime soon, if she hasn't already, and at least she will be someone who loves her for her half of the week.)

My husband explicitly told me he thought I was a loser in a whole variety of different ways -- my appearance, my job, his lack of desire to spend time with me - and, no, it didn't make me insecure at work and I didn't eat my feelings, because I don't depend on one person for my entire self-image. It was deeply unpleasant, but it affected my sense of him a lot more than my sense of myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But you made the decision to make a child with him less than 3 years ago? Clearly you liked him and respected him then. How did you do a 180 on him in such a short period
Of
Time?

She posted about it. He refused to start trying until she was in her mid30s. She had a lot of fertility issues. She didn't much like him by that point. I wouldn't, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But you made the decision to make a child with him less than 3 years ago? Clearly you liked him and respected him then. How did you do a 180 on him in such a short period
Of
Time?

PP here. That is irrelevant now.
(And by the way—50% of pregnancies are unplanned…even with birth control. I hate when people say this. Hate it. Not everyone “chooses” to have a child; many times where is an unplanned pregnancy and it makes people stay…do not assume everyone “chooses” to have a kid. It is irrelevant at this point anyway. Also: no one knows how people will parent so planning a kid is not relevant. If a marriage will never be good, there is no sense in prolonging the inevitable. (I my case, I was planning a divorce before a kid…he coerced it and I got trapped for YEARS with this freaking attitude…you have no idea if she liked or respected him before. You have no idea if the child was planned. You have no idea if the was trying to
“Save” the marriage with a kid. Stop making assumptions. Stop bringing up the past. None of it is relevant. What is relevant is she feels her marriage was a mistake and he is not who she thought he was and she does not feel they face shared goals to last a lifetime. That is what matters. Nothing else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But you made the decision to make a child with him less than 3 years ago? Clearly you liked him and respected him then. How did you do a 180 on him in such a short period
Of
Time?

She posted about it. He refused to start trying until she was in her mid30s. She had a lot of fertility issues. She didn't much like him by that point. I wouldn't, either.

I would leave then, too. When a husband disrespects his wife by making a relationship his way only and will not compromise and literally does not care about her feelings, he does not deserve to be her husband. (I just posted about the poster making assumptions and should not…this is exactly what I was talking about…people do not know what happens behind closed doors…they should not be judging them…)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But you made the decision to make a child with him less than 3 years ago? Clearly you liked him and respected him then. How did you do a 180 on him in such a short period
Of
Time?

Not OP, but I recall my aunt telling my cousin that fatherhood would change her DH. My aunt really believed that. And she pressured my cousin to not only stay in the marriage, but to get pregnant. My cousin listened to her mom unfortunately.

Another example. This is why I hate these assumption posts about “you must have liked him to have a kid” posts. Some people have no idea the pressure some women face. No idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But you made the decision to make a child with him less than 3 years ago? Clearly you liked him and respected him then. How did you do a 180 on him in such a short period
Of
Time?

Not OP, but I recall my aunt telling my cousin that fatherhood would change her DH. My aunt really believed that. And she pressured my cousin to not only stay in the marriage, but to get pregnant. My cousin listened to her mom unfortunately.

PP here: my mom pressured me to get married and when I wanted to end it immediately, she pressured me to stay “one more year”: that is how an unplanned coerced pregnancy happened to me just as I was about to leave. Made me stay far too long. Took incredible strength to leave after a decade.

[Anonymous]

Poor guy, he married poorly too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Poor guy, he married poorly too.

Maybe not. She makes more money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But you made the decision to make a child with him less than 3 years ago? Clearly you liked him and respected him then. How did you do a 180 on him in such a short period
Of
Time?

She posted about it. He refused to start trying until she was in her mid30s. She had a lot of fertility issues. She didn't much like him by that point. I wouldn't, either.

I would leave then, too. When a husband disrespects his wife by making a relationship his way only and will not compromise and literally does not care about her feelings, he does not deserve to be her husband. (I just posted about the poster making assumptions and should not…this is exactly what I was talking about…people do not know what happens behind closed doors…they should not be judging them…)

We don’t know the husband side of the story. Per Op, all her issues are his fault. She should do therapy and learn why she blames him for her unhappiness or this story will repeat itself with her new partner in few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But you made the decision to make a child with him less than 3 years ago? Clearly you liked him and respected him then. How did you do a 180 on him in such a short period
Of
Time?

PP here. That is irrelevant now.
(And by the way—50% of pregnancies are unplanned…even with birth control. I hate when people say this. Hate it. Not everyone “chooses” to have a child; many times where is an unplanned pregnancy and it makes people stay…do not assume everyone “chooses” to have a kid. It is irrelevant at this point anyway. Also: no one knows how people will parent so planning a kid is not relevant. If a marriage will never be good, there is no sense in prolonging the inevitable. (I my case, I was planning a divorce before a kid…he coerced it and I got trapped for YEARS with this freaking attitude…you have no idea if she liked or respected him before. You have no idea if the child was planned. You have no idea if the was trying to
“Save” the marriage with a kid. Stop making assumptions. Stop bringing up the past. None of it is relevant. What is relevant is she feels her marriage was a mistake and he is not who she thought he was and she does not feel they face shared goals to last a lifetime. That is what matters. Nothing else.

You should stop projecting and telling everyone to divorce, especially people with kids. They should at least try for the sake of their kids. Nothing working with couples or individual therapy ti understand what is going on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But you made the decision to make a child with him less than 3 years ago? Clearly you liked him and respected him then. How did you do a 180 on him in such a short period
Of
Time?

PP here. That is irrelevant now.
(And by the way—50% of pregnancies are unplanned…even with birth control. I hate when people say this. Hate it. Not everyone “chooses” to have a child; many times where is an unplanned pregnancy and it makes people stay…do not assume everyone “chooses” to have a kid. It is irrelevant at this point anyway. Also: no one knows how people will parent so planning a kid is not relevant. If a marriage will never be good, there is no sense in prolonging the inevitable. (I my case, I was planning a divorce before a kid…he coerced it and I got trapped for YEARS with this freaking attitude…you have no idea if she liked or respected him before. You have no idea if the child was planned. You have no idea if the was trying to
“Save” the marriage with a kid. Stop making assumptions. Stop bringing up the past. None of it is relevant. What is relevant is she feels her marriage was a mistake and he is not who she thought he was and she does not feel they face shared goals to last a lifetime. That is what matters. Nothing else.

You should stop projecting and telling everyone to divorce, especially people with kids. They should at least try for the sake of their kids. Nothing working with couples or individual therapy ti understand what is going on here.

*nothing wrong

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But you made the decision to make a child with him less than 3 years ago? Clearly you liked him and respected him then. How did you do a 180 on him in such a short period
Of
Time?

PP here. That is irrelevant now.
(And by the way—50% of pregnancies are unplanned…even with birth control. I hate when people say this. Hate it. Not everyone “chooses” to have a child; many times where is an unplanned pregnancy and it makes people stay…do not assume everyone “chooses” to have a kid. It is irrelevant at this point anyway. Also: no one knows how people will parent so planning a kid is not relevant. If a marriage will never be good, there is no sense in prolonging the inevitable. (I my case, I was planning a divorce before a kid…he coerced it and I got trapped for YEARS with this freaking attitude…you have no idea if she liked or respected him before. You have no idea if the child was planned. You have no idea if the was trying to
“Save” the marriage with a kid. Stop making assumptions. Stop bringing up the past. None of it is relevant. What is relevant is she feels her marriage was a mistake and he is not who she thought he was and she does not feel they face shared goals to last a lifetime. That is what matters. Nothing else.

You should stop projecting and telling everyone to divorce, especially people with kids. They should at least try for the sake of their kids. Nothing working with couples or individual therapy ti understand what is going on here.

*nothing wrong

Sometimes the outcome of therapy is divorce. I would recommend couples steer clear of any therapist or counseling program that is anti-divorce or promises to save you marriage. The best counselors focus on helping you figure out first if you both really want to stay married and then, what it would take to make that a healthy decision.