Messed up marrying the wrong guy, where to go from here - give it to me straight please

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

I think this is a little weird and the thing you need to work on. There are probably lots of reasons you could admire and respect your husband, if you wanted to. People have value even if they are overweight and don’t like their jobs. Life is bigger than your pants and your business card.

+1
someone posted earlier. this is a classic example of female midlife crisis behavior.. OP look up what a married woman's midlife crisis looks like. this phenomenon is as real as guys going through midlife crisis but female midlife crisis is much less talked/joked about like guys going through it so you might not recognize where you are right now. but know this... if you stick it out, things will get much better, love/respect (feelings in general) change over time, what is gone today will come back and maybe go again if you don't learn your life lessons. this is the beauty of life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: this is the beauty of life

beauty. and tragedy of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

DH here: I’m going to go against the weight of the thread here. You don’t sound awful or greedy or abusive to me. In fact you’ve been admirably clear with him, it sounds, and he isn’t really responding. (There are certainly times in my life where your kind of directness would have allowed me to make necessary changes sooner than later, and it took me longer to figure it out that it needed to.).

The question is why? And what to do about it? It sounds to me like he is an otherwise-decent guy and that this issue isn’t fully played out yet. I also think that if you pull the plug and try (emphasis try because the other men get a vote too) to find a new husband, you are more likely that not to downgrade, rather than upgrade. He might be depressed, he might have a yet undiagnosed mental health issue, could be a lot of things, but I suspect that fixing the physical issue will address a lot of this. (A few months in the weight room alone could go a long way toward fixing this, potentially.) IMO your best next move is counseling, and in it you should pull no punches about how you feel, that doesn’t do him any favors. Indeed in that setting you might want to be even more direct and painfully explicit, and the counselor might be able to help frame that message in a way he can understand. It is cards on the table time. But leave him a path forward. Positively reinforce any improvement he makes. But you also have to try to change your thinking too. At this point, it will be easy for you to not notice improvements by wallowing in the lack of respect, and you need to kind of fake it until you make it on that issue too. Pretend you respect him and see where that leads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

I think this is a little weird and the thing you need to work on. There are probably lots of reasons you could admire and respect your husband, if you wanted to. People have value even if they are overweight and don’t like their jobs. Life is bigger than your pants and your business card.

+1
someone posted earlier. this is a classic example of female midlife crisis behavior.. OP look up what a married woman's midlife crisis looks like. this phenomenon is as real as guys going through midlife crisis but female midlife crisis is much less talked/joked about like guys going through it so you might not recognize where you are right now. but know this... if you stick it out, things will get much better, love/respect (feelings in general) change over time, what is gone today will come back and maybe go again if you don't learn your life lessons. this is the beauty of life

I think there could be some truth to this. OP is knockin on 40 and realizing she didn't do all the things she planned to do or her life didn't turn out exactly as she planned it's normal but I think it's hitting the Millennial generation pretty hard as they were told early and often that life is a fairytale and they could beanything they wante and have whatever they dreamed of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please do him a huge favor and divorce him

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

DH here: I’m going to go against the weight of the thread here. You don’t sound awful or greedy or abusive to me. In fact you’ve been admirably clear with him, it sounds, and he isn’t really responding. (There are certainly times in my life where your kind of directness would have allowed me to make necessary changes sooner than later, and it took me longer to figure it out that it needed to.).

The question is why? And what to do about it? It sounds to me like he is an otherwise-decent guy and that this issue isn’t fully played out yet. I also think that if you pull the plug and try (emphasis try because the other men get a vote too) to find a new husband, you are more likely that not to downgrade, rather than upgrade. He might be depressed, he might have a yet undiagnosed mental health issue, could be a lot of things, but I suspect that fixing the physical issue will address a lot of this. (A few months in the weight room alone could go a long way toward fixing this, potentially.) IMO your best next move is counseling, and in it you should pull no punches about how you feel, that doesn’t do him any favors. Indeed in that setting you might want to be even more direct and painfully explicit, and the counselor might be able to help frame that message in a way he can understand. It is cards on the table time. But leave him a path forward. Positively reinforce any improvement he makes. But you also have to try to change your thinking too. At this point, it will be easy for you to not notice improvements by wallowing in the lack of respect, and you need to kind of fake it until you make it on that issue too. Pretend you respect him and see where that leads.

OP's actions are emotionally abusive we can't mitigate them or explain it away just because she's a woman. There's nothing admirable about emotional abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

DH here: I’m going to go against the weight of the thread here. You don’t sound awful or greedy or abusive to me. In fact you’ve been admirably clear with him, it sounds, and he isn’t really responding. (There are certainly times in my life where your kind of directness would have allowed me to make necessary changes sooner than later, and it took me longer to figure it out that it needed to.).

The question is why? And what to do about it? It sounds to me like he is an otherwise-decent guy and that this issue isn’t fully played out yet. I also think that if you pull the plug and try (emphasis try because the other men get a vote too) to find a new husband, you are more likely that not to downgrade, rather than upgrade. He might be depressed, he might have a yet undiagnosed mental health issue, could be a lot of things, but I suspect that fixing the physical issue will address a lot of this. (A few months in the weight room alone could go a long way toward fixing this, potentially.) IMO your best next move is counseling, and in it you should pull no punches about how you feel, that doesn’t do him any favors. Indeed in that setting you might want to be even more direct and painfully explicit, and the counselor might be able to help frame that message in a way he can understand. It is cards on the table time. But leave him a path forward. Positively reinforce any improvement he makes. But you also have to try to change your thinking too. At this point, it will be easy for you to not notice improvements by wallowing in the lack of respect, and you need to kind of fake it until you make it on that issue too. Pretend you respect him and see where that leads.

OP's actions are emotionally abusive we can't mitigate them or explain it away just because she's a woman. There's nothing admirable about emotional abuse.

It’s not emotional abuse to use your words and explain how you feel, even if the other party will find it tough to hear. That’s the only way to even start trying to fix it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you basically just had a child with the guy, but now have so little respect for him that you want to leave him? Was his weight, lack of job ambition, etc. not an issue a couple years ago?

You should look into psychological help. Don't listen to the loser who has posted a bunch of responses here urging you to just get a divorce and not worry about your daughter.

If she feels contempt, this will not change. Staying in this situation will make it worse later—for everyone, including the kid.

Nonsense. You can absolutely change even if you feel contempt. She will never have a successful relationship until she understands this.

This is not true. If there is contempt, it is usually too far gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

DH here: I’m going to go against the weight of the thread here. You don’t sound awful or greedy or abusive to me. In fact you’ve been admirably clear with him, it sounds, and he isn’t really responding. (There are certainly times in my life where your kind of directness would have allowed me to make necessary changes sooner than later, and it took me longer to figure it out that it needed to.).

The question is why? And what to do about it? It sounds to me like he is an otherwise-decent guy and that this issue isn’t fully played out yet. I also think that if you pull the plug and try (emphasis try because the other men get a vote too) to find a new husband, you are more likely that not to downgrade, rather than upgrade. He might be depressed, he might have a yet undiagnosed mental health issue, could be a lot of things, but I suspect that fixing the physical issue will address a lot of this. (A few months in the weight room alone could go a long way toward fixing this, potentially.) IMO your best next move is counseling, and in it you should pull no punches about how you feel, that doesn’t do him any favors. Indeed in that setting you might want to be even more direct and painfully explicit, and the counselor might be able to help frame that message in a way he can understand. It is cards on the table time. But leave him a path forward. Positively reinforce any improvement he makes. But you also have to try to change your thinking too. At this point, it will be easy for you to not notice improvements by wallowing in the lack of respect, and you need to kind of fake it until you make it on that issue too. Pretend you respect him and see where that leads.

If OP thinks she’s going to fix her problems by prompting her HUSBAND to change, or literally changing out her husband, she’s in for a long midlife of unhappiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

DH here: I’m going to go against the weight of the thread here. You don’t sound awful or greedy or abusive to me. In fact you’ve been admirably clear with him, it sounds, and he isn’t really responding. (There are certainly times in my life where your kind of directness would have allowed me to make necessary changes sooner than later, and it took me longer to figure it out that it needed to.).

The question is why? And what to do about it? It sounds to me like he is an otherwise-decent guy and that this issue isn’t fully played out yet. I also think that if you pull the plug and try (emphasis try because the other men get a vote too) to find a new husband, you are more likely that not to downgrade, rather than upgrade. He might be depressed, he might have a yet undiagnosed mental health issue, could be a lot of things, but I suspect that fixing the physical issue will address a lot of this. (A few months in the weight room alone could go a long way toward fixing this, potentially.) IMO your best next move is counseling, and in it you should pull no punches about how you feel, that doesn’t do him any favors. Indeed in that setting you might want to be even more direct and painfully explicit, and the counselor might be able to help frame that message in a way he can understand. It is cards on the table time. But leave him a path forward. Positively reinforce any improvement he makes. But you also have to try to change your thinking too. At this point, it will be easy for you to not notice improvements by wallowing in the lack of respect, and you need to kind of fake it until you make it on that issue too. Pretend you respect him and see where that leads.

OP's actions are emotionally abusive we can't mitigate them or explain it away just because she's a woman. There's nothing admirable about emotional abuse.

She does not sound emotionally abusive. It sounds like she does not want time be married anymore. When respect is gone and contempt sets in, it is time to end it. I say this as someone who listened to the “stay” nonsense. I “stayed” for 10 years in a miserable marriage. This does not get better. People need to pull the plug instead of wasting years like I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

DH here: I’m going to go against the weight of the thread here. You don’t sound awful or greedy or abusive to me. In fact you’ve been admirably clear with him, it sounds, and he isn’t really responding. (There are certainly times in my life where your kind of directness would have allowed me to make necessary changes sooner than later, and it took me longer to figure it out that it needed to.).

The question is why? And what to do about it? It sounds to me like he is an otherwise-decent guy and that this issue isn’t fully played out yet. I also think that if you pull the plug and try (emphasis try because the other men get a vote too) to find a new husband, you are more likely that not to downgrade, rather than upgrade. He might be depressed, he might have a yet undiagnosed mental health issue, could be a lot of things, but I suspect that fixing the physical issue will address a lot of this. (A few months in the weight room alone could go a long way toward fixing this, potentially.) IMO your best next move is counseling, and in it you should pull no punches about how you feel, that doesn’t do him any favors. Indeed in that setting you might want to be even more direct and painfully explicit, and the counselor might be able to help frame that message in a way he can understand. It is cards on the table time. But leave him a path forward. Positively reinforce any improvement he makes. But you also have to try to change your thinking too. At this point, it will be easy for you to not notice improvements by wallowing in the lack of respect, and you need to kind of fake it until you make it on that issue too. Pretend you respect him and see where that leads.

OP's actions are emotionally abusive we can't mitigate them or explain it away just because she's a woman. There's nothing admirable about emotional abuse.

She does not sound emotionally abusive. It sounds like she does not want time be married anymore. When respect is gone and contempt sets in, it is time to end it. I say this as someone who listened to the “stay” nonsense. I “stayed” for 10 years in a miserable marriage. This does not get better. People need to pull the plug instead of wasting years like I did.

2 things can be true. She doesn't want to be married any more, and her language to her husband is emotionally abusive. And if you were speaking to your ex-husband the way OP is you were emotionally abusive too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

DH here: I’m going to go against the weight of the thread here. You don’t sound awful or greedy or abusive to me. In fact you’ve been admirably clear with him, it sounds, and he isn’t really responding. (There are certainly times in my life where your kind of directness would have allowed me to make necessary changes sooner than later, and it took me longer to figure it out that it needed to.).

The question is why? And what to do about it? It sounds to me like he is an otherwise-decent guy and that this issue isn’t fully played out yet. I also think that if you pull the plug and try (emphasis try because the other men get a vote too) to find a new husband, you are more likely that not to downgrade, rather than upgrade. He might be depressed, he might have a yet undiagnosed mental health issue, could be a lot of things, but I suspect that fixing the physical issue will address a lot of this. (A few months in the weight room alone could go a long way toward fixing this, potentially.) IMO your best next move is counseling, and in it you should pull no punches about how you feel, that doesn’t do him any favors. Indeed in that setting you might want to be even more direct and painfully explicit, and the counselor might be able to help frame that message in a way he can understand. It is cards on the table time. But leave him a path forward. Positively reinforce any improvement he makes. But you also have to try to change your thinking too. At this point, it will be easy for you to not notice improvements by wallowing in the lack of respect, and you need to kind of fake it until you make it on that issue too. Pretend you respect him and see where that leads.

OP's actions are emotionally abusive we can't mitigate them or explain it away just because she's a woman. There's nothing admirable about emotional abuse.

She does not sound emotionally abusive. It sounds like she does not want time be married anymore. When respect is gone and contempt sets in, it is time to end it. I say this as someone who listened to the “stay” nonsense. I “stayed” for 10 years in a miserable marriage. This does not get better. People need to pull the plug instead of wasting years like I did.

2 things can be true. She doesn't want to be married any more, and her language to her husband is emotionally abusive. And if you were speaking to your ex-husband the way OP is you were emotionally abusive too.

We had other issues. But it does not matter. She does not want to be married and miserable. They are not a match for marriage. She should get out sooner rather than later. Delaying an inevitable divorce is the worst decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

Every single last one of your posts has been about achievement and money. It's about money for you. Save your attempt to painting yourself as a victim because you don't like being called out for your toxicity.

PPs are right, you are immature and emotionally abusive, but these are the least of your problems. Your real issue is you suffer from a major personality flaw or disorder that is unlikely to be corrected and you will be miserable in any marriage you have. What's even sadder is eventually you will have the same nasty attitude towards your daughter when she fails to be the exact extension of yourself you think she should be,

You’re being intentionally dense. Yes I respect achievement and the ability to make money is one manifestation of that. Valuing achievement does not mean you have a personality disorder nor does it mean you are emotionally abusive. I don’t think the dynamics of my relationship are healthy but that fact is absolutely a 2 way street.

And if you just know, it is my husband obsessed with my daughter’s future achievement, not me. I guess it is easier to fantasize about what she might do than actually do something himself.

I married someone thinking we shared values, and I made a mistake. I don’t think I am a victim. I think I made a mistake that has consequences. I need to make the best decision for the future now instead of just staying stuck like I on I have been.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you basically just had a child with the guy, but now have so little respect for him that you want to leave him? Was his weight, lack of job ambition, etc. not an issue a couple years ago?

You should look into psychological help. Don't listen to the loser who has posted a bunch of responses here urging you to just get a divorce and not worry about your daughter.

If she feels contempt, this will not change. Staying in this situation will make it worse later—for everyone, including the kid.

Nonsense. You can absolutely change even if you feel contempt. She will never have a successful relationship until she understands this.

This is not true. If there is contempt, it is usually too far gone.

I speak from experience when I say I once had contempt for my husband and when I realized it was a ME problem and stopped it, everything got better, including his “problems” like his weight and his career. It’s amazing what people can do when their spouse treats them with love and respect and support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

DH here: I’m going to go against the weight of the thread here. You don’t sound awful or greedy or abusive to me. In fact you’ve been admirably clear with him, it sounds, and he isn’t really responding. (There are certainly times in my life where your kind of directness would have allowed me to make necessary changes sooner than later, and it took me longer to figure it out that it needed to.).

Being calm and direct is not emotional abuse. As exemplified above, men tend to value directness whereas women don’t (typically).
The question is why? And what to do about it? It sounds to me like he is an otherwise-decent guy and that this issue isn’t fully played out yet. I also think that if you pull the plug and try (emphasis try because the other men get a vote too) to find a new husband, you are more likely that not to downgrade, rather than upgrade. He might be depressed, he might have a yet undiagnosed mental health issue, could be a lot of things, but I suspect that fixing the physical issue will address a lot of this. (A few months in the weight room alone could go a long way toward fixing this, potentially.) IMO your best next move is counseling, and in it you should pull no punches about how you feel, that doesn’t do him any favors. Indeed in that setting you might want to be even more direct and painfully explicit, and the counselor might be able to help frame that message in a way he can understand. It is cards on the table time. But leave him a path forward. Positively reinforce any improvement he makes. But you also have to try to change your thinking too. At this point, it will be easy for you to not notice improvements by wallowing in the lack of respect, and you need to kind of fake it until you make it on that issue too. Pretend you respect him and see where that leads.

OP's actions are emotionally abusive we can't mitigate them or explain it away just because she's a woman. There's nothing admirable about emotional abuse.