Eldercare is tearing my family apart

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How elder-later-life goes down is as varied as how parents have prepared for it, and what their personalities are.

I am in the midsts of a lot of siblings and their spouses with a lot of aging parents. One set refused to parent beyond, Be home by dinner, don't get arrested, and as soon as you're 18 you're not my responsibility, who also refused to help their own parents at end of life, are now demanding their children pay to care for them in a high manner since they have blown through their own money. And they haven't even gotten to the super expensive part. I don't mean to sound bitter, but I am stressed since I still have my own retirement and end of life care to secure. The money I had hoped to save is going toward their care. I shudder to think what will happen when one needs assisted living and the other needs 24-7 nursing care (which is where they are headed). So it's not just the 15K/month for nursing, but another 6K for assisted living for the other. And instead of 4 kids with 1 set of parents to deal with, and share responsibility and cost, it's actually 8 kids with 5 sets of parents all needing help and all aging at the same time.

Sorry, I guess that was my own stress vent!

Honestly, I think we may all need therapy to cope with the guilt, but I flat out couldn't afford to give my parents thousands of dollars a month for elder care. And while some folks might feel guilty about it, I would never de-fund my own retirement to pay for someone else's.

My parents chose to give money to charity and buy time shares instead of funding my college tuition. Before that they were pretty hands off and expected me to provide for my own needs before I was even old enough to work. I remember spending my teen years working like a dog to pay for basics like socks/underwear/books/food/tampons and any other necessities.

While I would have a hard time being as callous towards them, there is no way in hell I am devoting my life to caring for them in old age. I will simply not invest my time or money that way.

They showed me who they are and I believe them.

This is similar to us. I was helping a lot and walked away when I was paying for their stuff to find out I was not poa and everything is going to a sibling who has equal to us. They did not give me a dime to my kids, including a $10 birthday gift, they have plenty of money and treat me badly. It’s ok to say no. It took me a long time to get there. I gladly cared for my mil but they were so mean to me about it and horrible to her.

[Anonymous]

So, making it a point *not* to impose on my kids will make them resent me?

I have a feeling logic isn't your first language.


This is about elderly care not about you.

If I'm not mistaken PP's point is to make arrangements for his/her own eldercare NOW so that when the time comes it will help her children now be burdened.
So it is about elderly care, his or her own to help out his/her children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Age in place is hugely taxing on the adult children even when the patient has enough money to hire full time aides. The administration of that alone is a lot, plus filling in when caregivers are absent, etc. Some caregivers won’t do meal prep, some won’t do bathing, etc etc etc. Endless Dr appointments and errands and constantly adjusting to the latest decline. It’s brutal even when the finances are good.

What do you think a nursing home is like? They get bathed twice a week, barely looked after and the main activity is staring at the wall or tv. Especially on medicaid. I would much rather have kept my MIL at home. We still have to visit a few times a week, bring in food, shop....doctors....dentists....

Not at all. They vary. Aging in place was a living hell for us. The one who did continued care had a wonderful time in assisted living and memory care-regular social activities, peppy staff, tranquil gardens, social meals. The main activity of aging in place was watching TV. Once at a facility the favorite activity was sing-a-longs and meals with others. Much, much better for the wellbeing of both the elderly parent and the adult children. There is a reason why everyone in my extended family when went to a facility lived far longer than the stubborn and rigid age-on placers. Interesting to note....the adult children of age in placers had far more serious health issues by the time to age in placers passed away than the adult children of those who went to a facility.

You really have no clue. Your family may have been private pay but my MIL had a long slow miserable stay at a nursing home and it was horrific for all o fus. You keep ranting about stuff you have no concept about. Enough already. The social activities were tv or staring at the wall. They never went outside, staff screamed at patients and each other and the food was terrible and they didn't respect patient wishes on food either.

Your MIL was not in a good facility or it's possible that she, herself, refused to engage in the activities/entertainment offered. If they refuse to leave their room to dine in the dining room or they refuse to come out to play games, watch a performance or go on the outings provided by the facility, their experience is going to be very limited to watching t.v. My own mom is a social bee so she gets involved and even does volunteer work.

My dad was in a locked Alzheimer's unit and at that stage they did not have entertainment/games, etc because the people in that unit were too sick and "out of it" to safely participate in activities.

You don’t get that the Medicaid facilities with dementia do very little. Your mom could do it but most when they go in need things done for them. Very very little was offered. They only took out a select few residents for pictures for the newsletter. This is more typical than not. Your mom was also more higher functioning. They still should provide activities. Even at your dads stage it is required.

At my dad's stage of dementia they were in Lala land. Activities were offered at the facility in general but trying to have those activities in a locked Alzheimer's unit would have been a confusing, disorienting disaster. And outings? No way. They really do need to have a certain level of mental functioning to enjoy the little extras offered. Mostly, at this stage it is keeping them safe, clean, fed, watered and talking gently to them/keeping them calm.

Yes, my mom is very high functioning which is why the activities, outings, dining room, etc have been so important for her. They can be in wheelchairs and walkers and enjoy the activities from what i've seen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve already had rifts between one sibling and the rest. I predict a rift between “the kids” and at least one adult grandchild.

Just imploring those of you still sound of kind and body to make considerate and effective plans for your future. It is cruel for you to insist on aging at home if you can’t afford hired help. I know you think that your children will joyfully care for you, but you can’t predict what life will throw their way. I have reached the point where I can care for myself, my ill spouse, and my minor child OR I can make my dad’s dream of living on his own come true. He is a drowning man pulling me under. It looks horrible for me to step back, but I never agreed to do this. It was foisted on me mid-crisis and I am being honest that I’m in crisis now. Please, please do not do this to your children and grandchildren. I’m sure a bunch of the usual posters will chime in that they wish their mom or dad was still alive so they could do 40 hours of eldercare a week while also working full time, trying to help a spouse through cancer treatments, and raise a child. Fine. Can you take my place?

I feel the exact same way. My mom never learned to drive, refused to sell her home and downsize, refuses to get grocery delivery, drove away the help we hired to get her to doctor's appointments, and still insists that she is independent while expecting us to take care of everything. I have a 5 year old and haven't spoken to her in a month since her last outburst. I don't have answers.

If it’s dementia the outbursts may not be her fault. Early and mid stages my mil made no sense in what she did and lots of outbursts. We learned to not take the personally but it was hard. It’s best to keep her home. If that’s how she always is arrange for help and back off. There is not good answers and this stuff tears families apart. We did not ask and would just send groceries.

Thanks. she has always been like this. It's just gotten worse and I've gotten less tolerant of her abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The elderly person is NOT a toddler. They are an old person in the process of losing their independence because their minds and bodies are getting old and not working the way that they used to. They stay at home because that is what feels familiar and safe to them. The idea of moving into a strange "old folks home" is scary and foreign to them - it also involves giving into the idea that things are, in fact, changing for them. So they dig in their heels and are at once dependent on the person/people who help them to stay in their homes while also feeling resentful/guilty/shamed by needing their caregivers. They come off as combative/rude/entitled because they are desperate to stay in their familiar environment.

That doesn't mean that the home in environment is appropriate for them. It doesn't mean that the caregivers aren't put under incredible stress/strain to the detriment of their own health/sanity.

You have to try to step back and look at the situation with an objective eye. For instance, is it reasonable for your parents to expect you to leave your own family/home/work/life to camp out on their couch every night in order to make it possible for them to "live independently" in their own home?

People like you amuse me to no end. You spout psychological platitudes and offer no real solution to real world problems. Real life is a lot messier than you describe, and there’s often a lot of spoons trying to stir the soup, oftentimes worrying about their own inheritance. The people making the toddler comments are addressing the actual behavior they have to work with, not the feels behind the behavior. Understanding the feelings changes nothing.

[Anonymous]

My dad isn’t a toddler yet. He’s more like a tween boy who thinks that he’s being slick when he comes up with excuses or then gets moody if he’s caught out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The elderly person is NOT a toddler. They are an old person in the process of losing their independence because their minds and bodies are getting old and not working the way that they used to. They stay at home because that is what feels familiar and safe to them. The idea of moving into a strange "old folks home" is scary and foreign to them - it also involves giving into the idea that things are, in fact, changing for them. So they dig in their heels and are at once dependent on the person/people who help them to stay in their homes while also feeling resentful/guilty/shamed by needing their caregivers. They come off as combative/rude/entitled because they are desperate to stay in their familiar environment.

That doesn't mean that the home in environment is appropriate for them. It doesn't mean that the caregivers aren't put under incredible stress/strain to the detriment of their own health/sanity.

You have to try to step back and look at the situation with an objective eye. For instance, is it reasonable for your parents to expect you to leave your own family/home/work/life to camp out on their couch every night in order to make it possible for them to "live independently" in their own home?

People like you amuse me to no end. You spout psychological platitudes and offer no real solution to real world problems. Real life is a lot messier than you describe, and there’s often a lot of spoons trying to stir the soup, oftentimes worrying about their own inheritance. The people making the toddler comments are addressing the actual behavior they have to work with, not the feels behind the behavior. Understanding the feelings changes nothing.

No. I unfortunately dealt with this in my 20's with one parent and have a parent in their mid 80's now. They have required very different types of help.

One thing that I learned all those years ago was that I can not do this alone. When things get tough they get very, very tough and others can't always drop their lives to help out. I am so very lucky that my living parent decided to downsize and go into a retirement community where the residents have plenty of activities and help with cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands, etc. I can go on vacation without worry. I have no guilt because my parent told me a long time ago that this is what they would want.

I am cognizant of the example that I am setting for my own kids. Only 30 years ago (just yesterday!), I was falling in love with their dad. In 30 more years I will be in my mid 80's, myself. Life flies.

[Anonymous]

I've realized recently that ultimately it comes down to the "lifting" (physical lifting). If the senior can't get out of a chair on their own and walk several steps and cannot dress themselves it is really not safe for one family member or one paid caregiver to care for the senior, i.e. the family member and/or paid caregiver are at risk of injuring themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The elderly person is NOT a toddler. They are an old person in the process of losing their independence because their minds and bodies are getting old and not working the way that they used to. They stay at home because that is what feels familiar and safe to them. The idea of moving into a strange "old folks home" is scary and foreign to them - it also involves giving into the idea that things are, in fact, changing for them. So they dig in their heels and are at once dependent on the person/people who help them to stay in their homes while also feeling resentful/guilty/shamed by needing their caregivers. They come off as combative/rude/entitled because they are desperate to stay in their familiar environment.

That doesn't mean that the home in environment is appropriate for them. It doesn't mean that the caregivers aren't put under incredible stress/strain to the detriment of their own health/sanity.

You have to try to step back and look at the situation with an objective eye. For instance, is it reasonable for your parents to expect you to leave your own family/home/work/life to camp out on their couch every night in order to make it possible for them to "live independently" in their own home?

People like you amuse me to no end. You spout psychological platitudes and offer no real solution to real world problems. Real life is a lot messier than you describe, and there’s often a lot of spoons trying to stir the soup, oftentimes worrying about their own inheritance. The people making the toddler comments are addressing the actual behavior they have to work with, not the feels behind the behavior. Understanding the feelings changes nothing.

No. I unfortunately dealt with this in my 20's with one parent and have a parent in their mid 80's now. They have required very different types of help.

One thing that I learned all those years ago was that I can not do this alone. When things get tough they get very, very tough and others can't always drop their lives to help out. I am so very lucky that my living parent decided to downsize and go into a retirement community where the residents have plenty of activities and help with cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands, etc. I can go on vacation without worry. I have no guilt because my parent told me a long time ago that this is what they would want.

I am cognizant of the example that I am setting for my own kids. Only 30 years ago (just yesterday!), I was falling in love with their dad. In 30 more years I will be in my mid 80's, myself. Life flies.

It's so so so good for you that you learned that you can't do it alone and how lucky you are that your living parent chose well. And so mature of you to do the same.

Now tell all these good people who parents are NOT making those decisions how to solve the hell that they are in. If you can't? Stop talking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Age in place is hugely taxing on the adult children even when the patient has enough money to hire full time aides. The administration of that alone is a lot, plus filling in when caregivers are absent, etc. Some caregivers won’t do meal prep, some won’t do bathing, etc etc etc. Endless Dr appointments and errands and constantly adjusting to the latest decline. It’s brutal even when the finances are good.

What do you think a nursing home is like? They get bathed twice a week, barely looked after and the main activity is staring at the wall or tv. Especially on medicaid. I would much rather have kept my MIL at home. We still have to visit a few times a week, bring in food, shop....doctors....dentists....

Not at all. They vary. Aging in place was a living hell for us. The one who did continued care had a wonderful time in assisted living and memory care-regular social activities, peppy staff, tranquil gardens, social meals. The main activity of aging in place was watching TV. Once at a facility the favorite activity was sing-a-longs and meals with others. Much, much better for the wellbeing of both the elderly parent and the adult children. There is a reason why everyone in my extended family when went to a facility lived far longer than the stubborn and rigid age-on placers. Interesting to note....the adult children of age in placers had far more serious health issues by the time to age in placers passed away than the adult children of those who went to a facility.

You really have no clue. Your family may have been private pay but my MIL had a long slow miserable stay at a nursing home and it was horrific for all o fus. You keep ranting about stuff you have no concept about. Enough already. The social activities were tv or staring at the wall. They never went outside, staff screamed at patients and each other and the food was terrible and they didn't respect patient wishes on food either.

Your MIL was not in a good facility or it's possible that she, herself, refused to engage in the activities/entertainment offered. If they refuse to leave their room to dine in the dining room or they refuse to come out to play games, watch a performance or go on the outings provided by the facility, their experience is going to be very limited to watching t.v. My own mom is a social bee so she gets involved and even does volunteer work.

My dad was in a locked Alzheimer's unit and at that stage they did not have entertainment/games, etc because the people in that unit were too sick and "out of it" to safely participate in activities.

You don’t get that the Medicaid facilities with dementia do very little. Your mom could do it but most when they go in need things done for them. Very very little was offered. They only took out a select few residents for pictures for the newsletter. This is more typical than not. Your mom was also more higher functioning. They still should provide activities. Even at your dads stage it is required.

At my dad's stage of dementia they were in Lala land. Activities were offered at the facility in general but trying to have those activities in a locked Alzheimer's unit would have been a confusing, disorienting disaster. And outings? No way. They really do need to have a certain level of mental functioning to enjoy the little extras offered. Mostly, at this stage it is keeping them safe, clean, fed, watered and talking gently to them/keeping them calm.

Yes, my mom is very high functioning which is why the activities, outings, dining room, etc have been so important for her. They can be in wheelchairs and walkers and enjoy the activities from what i've seen.

We don’t know what is there or not. They still deserve the same respect and care that others are getting including activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The elderly person is NOT a toddler. They are an old person in the process of losing their independence because their minds and bodies are getting old and not working the way that they used to. They stay at home because that is what feels familiar and safe to them. The idea of moving into a strange "old folks home" is scary and foreign to them - it also involves giving into the idea that things are, in fact, changing for them. So they dig in their heels and are at once dependent on the person/people who help them to stay in their homes while also feeling resentful/guilty/shamed by needing their caregivers. They come off as combative/rude/entitled because they are desperate to stay in their familiar environment.

That doesn't mean that the home in environment is appropriate for them. It doesn't mean that the caregivers aren't put under incredible stress/strain to the detriment of their own health/sanity.

You have to try to step back and look at the situation with an objective eye. For instance, is it reasonable for your parents to expect you to leave your own family/home/work/life to camp out on their couch every night in order to make it possible for them to "live independently" in their own home?

People like you amuse me to no end. You spout psychological platitudes and offer no real solution to real world problems. Real life is a lot messier than you describe, and there’s often a lot of spoons trying to stir the soup, oftentimes worrying about their own inheritance. The people making the toddler comments are addressing the actual behavior they have to work with, not the feels behind the behavior. Understanding the feelings changes nothing.

No. I unfortunately dealt with this in my 20's with one parent and have a parent in their mid 80's now. They have required very different types of help.

One thing that I learned all those years ago was that I can not do this alone. When things get tough they get very, very tough and others can't always drop their lives to help out. I am so very lucky that my living parent decided to downsize and go into a retirement community where the residents have plenty of activities and help with cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands, etc. I can go on vacation without worry. I have no guilt because my parent told me a long time ago that this is what they would want.

I am cognizant of the example that I am setting for my own kids. Only 30 years ago (just yesterday!), I was falling in love with their dad. In 30 more years I will be in my mid 80's, myself. Life flies.

It's so so so good for you that you learned that you can't do it alone and how lucky you are that your living parent chose well. And so mature of you to do the same.

Now tell all these good people who parents are NOT making those decisions how to solve the hell that they are in. If you can't? Stop talking.

I don't have the answers. I can only say that you learn through doing. You learn what your own limits are and learn what you can and can not expect yourself to handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Age in place is hugely taxing on the adult children even when the patient has enough money to hire full time aides. The administration of that alone is a lot, plus filling in when caregivers are absent, etc. Some caregivers won’t do meal prep, some won’t do bathing, etc etc etc. Endless Dr appointments and errands and constantly adjusting to the latest decline. It’s brutal even when the finances are good.

What do you think a nursing home is like? They get bathed twice a week, barely looked after and the main activity is staring at the wall or tv. Especially on medicaid. I would much rather have kept my MIL at home. We still have to visit a few times a week, bring in food, shop....doctors....dentists....

Not at all. They vary. Aging in place was a living hell for us. The one who did continued care had a wonderful time in assisted living and memory care-regular social activities, peppy staff, tranquil gardens, social meals. The main activity of aging in place was watching TV. Once at a facility the favorite activity was sing-a-longs and meals with others. Much, much better for the wellbeing of both the elderly parent and the adult children. There is a reason why everyone in my extended family when went to a facility lived far longer than the stubborn and rigid age-on placers. Interesting to note....the adult children of age in placers had far more serious health issues by the time to age in placers passed away than the adult children of those who went to a facility.

You really have no clue. Your family may have been private pay but my MIL had a long slow miserable stay at a nursing home and it was horrific for all o fus. You keep ranting about stuff you have no concept about. Enough already. The social activities were tv or staring at the wall. They never went outside, staff screamed at patients and each other and the food was terrible and they didn't respect patient wishes on food either.

Your MIL was not in a good facility or it's possible that she, herself, refused to engage in the activities/entertainment offered. If they refuse to leave their room to dine in the dining room or they refuse to come out to play games, watch a performance or go on the outings provided by the facility, their experience is going to be very limited to watching t.v. My own mom is a social bee so she gets involved and even does volunteer work.

My dad was in a locked Alzheimer's unit and at that stage they did not have entertainment/games, etc because the people in that unit were too sick and "out of it" to safely participate in activities.

You don’t get that the Medicaid facilities with dementia do very little. Your mom could do it but most when they go in need things done for them. Very very little was offered. They only took out a select few residents for pictures for the newsletter. This is more typical than not. Your mom was also more higher functioning. They still should provide activities. Even at your dads stage it is required.

At my dad's stage of dementia they were in Lala land. Activities were offered at the facility in general but trying to have those activities in a locked Alzheimer's unit would have been a confusing, disorienting disaster. And outings? No way. They really do need to have a certain level of mental functioning to enjoy the little extras offered. Mostly, at this stage it is keeping them safe, clean, fed, watered and talking gently to them/keeping them calm.

Yes, my mom is very high functioning which is why the activities, outings, dining room, etc have been so important for her. They can be in wheelchairs and walkers and enjoy the activities from what i've seen.

We don’t know what is there or not. They still deserve the same respect and care that others are getting including activities.

I don't understand your question. Do you mean that you aren't sure what activities are offered by any given nursing home? Or you aren't sure if the activities would be something your parent could attend. Some of the people in the nursing home can fully engage in the activities, some can not. With a live performance, for instance, people with advanced dementia generally don't transition well. You can't easily take a group of them outside of the locked unit, into a meeting room and expect them to sit still and watch a live performance. They can't play bingo or do crafts, either. They are in a locked unit for a reason, and while it might comfort their families to think that they are going to activities, the reality is that probably isn't going to be the case. They are fed, kept clean and safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The elderly person is NOT a toddler. They are an old person in the process of losing their independence because their minds and bodies are getting old and not working the way that they used to. They stay at home because that is what feels familiar and safe to them. The idea of moving into a strange "old folks home" is scary and foreign to them - it also involves giving into the idea that things are, in fact, changing for them. So they dig in their heels and are at once dependent on the person/people who help them to stay in their homes while also feeling resentful/guilty/shamed by needing their caregivers. They come off as combative/rude/entitled because they are desperate to stay in their familiar environment.

That doesn't mean that the home in environment is appropriate for them. It doesn't mean that the caregivers aren't put under incredible stress/strain to the detriment of their own health/sanity.

You have to try to step back and look at the situation with an objective eye. For instance, is it reasonable for your parents to expect you to leave your own family/home/work/life to camp out on their couch every night in order to make it possible for them to "live independently" in their own home?

People like you amuse me to no end. You spout psychological platitudes and offer no real solution to real world problems. Real life is a lot messier than you describe, and there’s often a lot of spoons trying to stir the soup, oftentimes worrying about their own inheritance. The people making the toddler comments are addressing the actual behavior they have to work with, not the feels behind the behavior. Understanding the feelings changes nothing.

No. I unfortunately dealt with this in my 20's with one parent and have a parent in their mid 80's now. They have required very different types of help.

One thing that I learned all those years ago was that I can not do this alone. When things get tough they get very, very tough and others can't always drop their lives to help out. I am so very lucky that my living parent decided to downsize and go into a retirement community where the residents have plenty of activities and help with cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands, etc. I can go on vacation without worry. I have no guilt because my parent told me a long time ago that this is what they would want.

I am cognizant of the example that I am setting for my own kids. Only 30 years ago (just yesterday!), I was falling in love with their dad. In 30 more years I will be in my mid 80's, myself. Life flies.

It's so so so good for you that you learned that you can't do it alone and how lucky you are that your living parent chose well. And so mature of you to do the same.

Now tell all these good people who parents are NOT making those decisions how to solve the hell that they are in. If you can't? Stop talking.

I don't have the answers. I can only say that you learn through doing. You learn what your own limits are and learn what you can and can not expect yourself to handle.

The problem is that once the family caregiver reaches their limit, the elderly loved one and often the other relatives are accustomed to the status quo. It’s a much bigger shake up than than if the family caregiver had refused from the start. I admit that part of my resentment toward my sibling is that he never helped out, but a decade later, no one expects anything from him. In contrast, the expect me to figure out a way to make it work because I always have before.

It will always be more than you though. More physically taxing. More emotionally draining. More financially devastating. Take what you thought it would be and imagine that doubling every 30 days.

https://www.latimes.com/opinion/story/2020-02-16/doctor-patients-send-home-to-die

[Anonymous]

Why was that LA Times op ed a cartoon? Is that normal for op eds now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The elderly person is NOT a toddler. They are an old person in the process of losing their independence because their minds and bodies are getting old and not working the way that they used to. They stay at home because that is what feels familiar and safe to them. The idea of moving into a strange "old folks home" is scary and foreign to them - it also involves giving into the idea that things are, in fact, changing for them. So they dig in their heels and are at once dependent on the person/people who help them to stay in their homes while also feeling resentful/guilty/shamed by needing their caregivers. They come off as combative/rude/entitled because they are desperate to stay in their familiar environment.

That doesn't mean that the home in environment is appropriate for them. It doesn't mean that the caregivers aren't put under incredible stress/strain to the detriment of their own health/sanity.

You have to try to step back and look at the situation with an objective eye. For instance, is it reasonable for your parents to expect you to leave your own family/home/work/life to camp out on their couch every night in order to make it possible for them to "live independently" in their own home?

People like you amuse me to no end. You spout psychological platitudes and offer no real solution to real world problems. Real life is a lot messier than you describe, and there’s often a lot of spoons trying to stir the soup, oftentimes worrying about their own inheritance. The people making the toddler comments are addressing the actual behavior they have to work with, not the feels behind the behavior. Understanding the feelings changes nothing.

No. I unfortunately dealt with this in my 20's with one parent and have a parent in their mid 80's now. They have required very different types of help.

One thing that I learned all those years ago was that I can not do this alone. When things get tough they get very, very tough and others can't always drop their lives to help out. I am so very lucky that my living parent decided to downsize and go into a retirement community where the residents have plenty of activities and help with cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands, etc. I can go on vacation without worry. I have no guilt because my parent told me a long time ago that this is what they would want.

I am cognizant of the example that I am setting for my own kids. Only 30 years ago (just yesterday!), I was falling in love with their dad. In 30 more years I will be in my mid 80's, myself. Life flies.

It's so so so good for you that you learned that you can't do it alone and how lucky you are that your living parent chose well. And so mature of you to do the same.

Now tell all these good people who parents are NOT making those decisions how to solve the hell that they are in. If you can't? Stop talking.

I don't have the answers. I can only say that you learn through doing. You learn what your own limits are and learn what you can and can not expect yourself to handle.

The problem is that once the family caregiver reaches their limit, the elderly loved one and often the other relatives are accustomed to the status quo. It’s a much bigger shake up than than if the family caregiver had refused from the start. I admit that part of my resentment toward my sibling is that he never helped out, but a decade later, no one expects anything from him. In contrast, the expect me to figure out a way to make it work because I always have before.

It will always be more than you though. More physically taxing. More emotionally draining. More financially devastating. Take what you thought it would be and imagine that doubling every 30 days.

https://www.latimes.com/opinion/story/2020-02-16/doctor-patients-send-home-to-die

THIS!! I couldn't read the article-wouldn't let me in, but so this. No good deed goes unpunished. The more I did, the less appreciative everyone became and the more entitled they all became culminating in the drama when I stepped back. I was called selfish and guilt tripped and treated like a piece of trash. Everything I did was minimized. There was no understanding of how draining every second of help I gave was. I became the verbal punching bag. One sibling just wanted her dam inheritance without the hard labor. She would visit and not lift a finger and consider herself a saint. It was MY job to take on the dirty work for having the nerve to be in the area.

It is absolutely wrong to think anyone should be aging in place when they start having falls. I blame some doctors for this foolishness too. I still have back issues from trying to lift a parent with Alzheimers and all I got from everyone is how cruel it would be to go with memory care. They didn't want to see the pile of gold dwindle even if it meant doing others in.

YES to the sibling never doing any real work and nobody expects that person do do a dam thing, yet somehow you become the one expected to put you life on hold and you are the BAD guy if you don't.

Boundaries are a beautiful thing even if it means people are angry. They are nasty when you don't have them and at least they allow you to breathe and not seethe.