Reply to Why don't people leave their spouse instead of having affairs?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If you don't have kids, I agree, just divorce.

If you have kids, an affair is far less selfish than divorce.  The stability of your kids comes paramount over the fidelity of marriage, but hopefully if both people in the marriage are committed to love and sex one doesn't have to choose.[/quote]

This is delusional. I know people love to have this idea that you can be super-French and have your lovely mistress on the side and everything is great, but it NEVER works out that way - and it is certainly not a more stable choice for the children.

If you have an affair, one of several things will happen:

your spouse will find out, and your marriage will explode spectacularly, and your kids and finances will be destabilized
you will fall in love with your affair partner, and same thing will happen as above, except now your kids will ALSO have to deal with suddenly having a new step-parent
your spouse won't find out, but you'll just stay in an increasingly unhappy marriage which is apparent to your children, who will live in an unhappy home (and they you'll probably divorce anyway)

This idea that you can have a happy marriage while having an affair in the long term is the ultimate self-serving bullshit, manufactured to make people feel better in retrospect about their choice to have an affair.

If you want to end your marriage -- end it. PARTICULARLY with kids, it's important to exit the marriage in the least harmful way possible, and create a good coparenting relationship.  Ending the marriage with an affair obviously makes this impossible or very very hard. [/quote]

While I suspect years long affairs can really complicate things, most are short lived and never discovered.  The scenario you describe applies to no one I know.  Lots of people have short term affairs to cope with marital problems.  Not saying its right but all those happy marriages you see are usually blissfully unaware.[/quote]

What about the feelings of the AP? A person is literally being used to assist someone else in maintaining a facade so their marriage can remain “blissful” - what’s in it for the whole other person involved? [/quote]

Well, in my case, my AP is going through a really bad divorce to an absolute jerk.  I am married to a wonderful woman with zero and I mean zero sex drive (for me at least).  So AP and I have discussed ad naseum the temporary nature of all of this.  I have encouraged her that when she feels ready, to end the affair so she can seek someone who can be fully there for her.  I don't know what I will do next, but I know all the negative feelings of isolation and resentment I had towards my wife are gone.  We haven't had sex in weeks anyway.

I know you have convinced yourself that my kids know, we are miserable and fighting and the devil himself can't wait to caste me to eternal damnation.  The reality is much more complicated.  I am off to coach youth sports after a nice family breakfast.  If only life were so simple.  Not everything is black and white.[/quote]

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