Why don't people leave their spouse instead of having affairs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't poor people just work harder and get a better job?

See, I don't actually post this stuff, because I am professionally successful, wealthy and money has always come easy. Yet I am not so pompous to think that life is so easy peasy on the money side for everyone, and I have never walked a day in a poor man's shoe.

So to the OP, you have never been in a lonely marriage, where despite your best efforts, the sex and intimacy have died. And with a stable home in a good school district and retirement accounts and health benefits and the family dog, and, and, and.

Point being, if you have been there, you know why people have affairs, if you haven't, feel free to moralize.

DW here. Have been somewhat in this situation and don’t agree with you.
It’s about doing the right thing and affair isn’t it.
Just another excuse in your part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plain and simple:

The fear of being alone.

That's a good point. I'm amazed at the women I know who are so dependent in this way. All have kids and careers, so it's not the SAHM stereo type. I'm long time married, but if something should happen I could be perfectly happy with 2 poodles. I believe it's a self esteem thing.

And some probably think they will lose their entire social circle if they divorce. I've seen it happen with women in the babyboomer generation. Someone gets divorced or their spouse dies and that person is quietly forgotten about by their married friends who think they'll catch divorce or widow cooties.

When I got divorced I lost a few friends. Didn't bother me at all, I just made new ones. Then again they were never real friends to begin with, so no loss.

[Anonymous]

If you don't have kids, I agree, just divorce.

If you have kids, an affair is far less selfish than divorce. The stability of your kids comes paramount over the fidelity of marriage, but hopefully if both people in the marriage are committed to love and sex one doesn't have to choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since many women don’t marry for love, is it right to marry for money or just to have kids with someone you don’t love?

If the marriage turns sour, they will still get their fair share of family assets and 50/50 custody of kids.

It is amazing how deceitful, hypocritical and unethical women can be when it comes to manipulating men.

Marriage is truly the biggest gamble for a man, and a sweet deal for women.

It’s the other way around.

+1000
Marriage is much better for men. Worse for women!

I think it depends. Ultimately, I think marriage tends to work out better for people who don't do it for love, who are manipulative and okay with using someone else for something. They tend to be calculating enough and manipulative enough to in some way entrap a person. I've seen both women and men do this.

People made me feel as if I was a failure for being 30-something and unmarried. But I was better off single. Even if you spend a few years with your spouse and even truly love your spouse, that doesn't mean things won't get messy or end up souring down the road. And in many cases, people take a huge financial hit when they divorce, in part because their financial planning for years was planning that involved a couple, the couple's income and assets, the couple retiring together. It's even worse if someone is near retirement age. Read up on the perils of grey divorce.

Divorce is usually not as disastrous financially for people who are very wealthy. But for people who are middle class, divorce can be financially destructive, especially if as a dual-income family, the couple is just barely middle class. Divorce can mean slipping down the socio-economic ladder. That's a big reason why people stay in unhappy marriages. That's actually a huge reason why people stay in downright abusive marriages.

[Anonymous]

Monogamy is not for everyone. Don’t judge. You have no right. You do not know the other’s journey.

[Anonymous]

Plenty of people leave their spouse. Divorce rates high as shit these days. Do some people have affairs instead of leaving? Yeah. But it's neither universal nor predominant. I'd say it's about 50/50 which is pretty consistent with the way the world operates. 50% of people do things this way and 50% of people do things that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't have kids, I agree, just divorce.

If you have kids, an affair is far less selfish than divorce. The stability of your kids comes paramount over the fidelity of marriage, but hopefully if both people in the marriage are committed to love and sex one doesn't have to choose.

Not really. That’s your narrative to justify your cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Monogamy is not for everyone. Don’t judge. You have no right. You do not know the other’s journey.

Sure and deceitful behavior is Definitely NOT what you should do either. You should be upfront and discuss any sec related shortcomings in your relationship/marriage/situation and resolve them like mature adults. If that necessitates polyamory or extra marital sex per the couple's agreement then so be it. Better to tell me you want action with other men or walk away than possibly passing on an STD and spewing BS drivel about not being satisfied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Plenty of people leave their spouse. Divorce rates high as shit these days. Do some people have affairs instead of leaving? Yeah. But it's neither universal nor predominant. I'd say it's about 50/50 which is pretty consistent with the way the world operates. 50% of people do things this way and 50% of people do things that way.

Well, but how many of those divorces are due to infidelity? I think a lot of divorces are due to cheating in which one person had an affair with the intention of staying married, but then they're spouse found out, and they got divorced anyhow. OP's question is why didn't the person who cheated just divorce *before* cheating.

I'd have to see statistics on infidelity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Monogamy is not for everyone. Don’t judge. You have no right. You do not know the other’s journey.

Sure and deceitful behavior is Definitely NOT what you should do either. You should be upfront and discuss any sec related shortcomings in your relationship/marriage/situation and resolve them like mature adults. If that necessitates polyamory or extra marital sex per the couple's agreement then so be it. Better to tell me you want action with other men or walk away than possibly passing on an STD and spewing BS drivel about not being satisfied.

+1. Right on point. No one is saying you have to believe in monogamy but you do have to align with your partner on this as opposed to lying/cheating on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Monogamy is not for everyone. Don’t judge. You have no right. You do not know the other’s journey.

Sure and deceitful behavior is Definitely NOT what you should do either. You should be upfront and discuss any sec related shortcomings in your relationship/marriage/situation and resolve them like mature adults. If that necessitates polyamory or extra marital sex per the couple's agreement then so be it. Better to tell me you want action with other men or walk away than possibly passing on an STD and spewing BS drivel about not being satisfied.

+1. Right on point. No one is saying you have to believe in monogamy but you do have to align with your partner on this as opposed to lying/cheating on them.

You think that a spouse who consistently rejects sex (for years) is unaware of their partner’s sexual dissatisfaction? On what planet is that breaking news to the one who actively avoids any chance for intimacy? Why is it necessary to verbally inform them that they have won, and you no longer even want sex with them? You really think that conversation will improve this marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Monogamy is not for everyone. Don’t judge. You have no right. You do not know the other’s journey.

Sure and deceitful behavior is Definitely NOT what you should do either. You should be upfront and discuss any sec related shortcomings in your relationship/marriage/situation and resolve them like mature adults. If that necessitates polyamory or extra marital sex per the couple's agreement then so be it. Better to tell me you want action with other men or walk away than possibly passing on an STD and spewing BS drivel about not being satisfied.

+1. Right on point. No one is saying you have to believe in monogamy but you do have to align with your partner on this as opposed to lying/cheating on them.

You think that a spouse who consistently rejects sex (for years) is unaware of their partner’s sexual dissatisfaction? On what planet is that breaking news to the one who actively avoids any chance for intimacy? Why is it necessary to verbally inform them that they have won, and you no longer even want sex with them? You really think that conversation will improve this marriage?

Lying cheating man.

[Anonymous]

When kids are involved, affairs are about control. For the spouse with no or low sex drive, they hate affairs because the power shifts and forces them to decide to live with a cheater or lose their marriage and kids. Without the affair, the low libido partner has the power

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Monogamy is not for everyone. Don’t judge. You have no right. You do not know the other’s journey.

Sure and deceitful behavior is Definitely NOT what you should do either. You should be upfront and discuss any sec related shortcomings in your relationship/marriage/situation and resolve them like mature adults. If that necessitates polyamory or extra marital sex per the couple's agreement then so be it. Better to tell me you want action with other men or walk away than possibly passing on an STD and spewing BS drivel about not being satisfied.

+1. Right on point. No one is saying you have to believe in monogamy but you do have to align with your partner on this as opposed to lying/cheating on them.

You think that a spouse who consistently rejects sex (for years) is unaware of their partner’s sexual dissatisfaction? On what planet is that breaking news to the one who actively avoids any chance for intimacy? Why is it necessary to verbally inform them that they have won, and you no longer even want sex with them? You really think that conversation will improve this marriage?

PP here. Dissatisfaction does not usually lead to cheating. On what planet is that breaking news?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Monogamy is not for everyone. Don’t judge. You have no right. You do not know the other’s journey.

Sure and deceitful behavior is Definitely NOT what you should do either. You should be upfront and discuss any sec related shortcomings in your relationship/marriage/situation and resolve them like mature adults. If that necessitates polyamory or extra marital sex per the couple's agreement then so be it. Better to tell me you want action with other men or walk away than possibly passing on an STD and spewing BS drivel about not being satisfied.

+1. Right on point. No one is saying you have to believe in monogamy but you do have to align with your partner on this as opposed to lying/cheating on them.

You think that a spouse who consistently rejects sex (for years) is unaware of their partner’s sexual dissatisfaction? On what planet is that breaking news to the one who actively avoids any chance for intimacy? Why is it necessary to verbally inform them that they have won, and you no longer even want sex with them? You really think that conversation will improve this marriage?

PP here. Dissatisfaction does not usually lead to cheating. On what planet is that breaking news?

Wrong. The #1 reason men have extramarital sex is ... wait for it ... infrequent marital sex.