Rant re DH's family

[Anonymous]

Oh my God, this is literally like talking to a brick wall... nothing seems to be penetrating.

Ok, this is my last shot with you OP & then I'm done.

Life isn't fair & there's nothing you can do to change it, if you keep wrapping up all of your expectations in other people, you're going to be infinitely disappointed.

The only person you can control is you, nobody else & you shouldn't even try.

The way I see it OP, you can either go through life being "right" or you can go through life being happy.
I chose to be happy, I don't need to be right all the time.
I have expectations of myself & that's it & guess what?
I'm happy, healthy & I don't allow people to disappoint or hurt me.

You've not only allowed it, but you've also given them all of your power... all of it, every little bit of it. For people you despise so much, you sure have given them complete & unending control over your life, now haven't you?

Why am I wasting my time? This is a lost cause.

For God's sake, let it go OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I'm confused about a few things:
-could DH's family contributed to college and were holding back? It sounds like they went through tough times financially and couldn't pay the bill. If that's so, then I wouldn't hold resentment against his parents for not paying for his college.
- It wasn't appropriate for his parent to call you and ask you to pay off his loans. Were you married at the time? If you were married, it's a reasonable decision for couples to decide to pay off all outstanding student loans together, regardless of what his family said.
- Is there more

They couldn't have right then. They could have paid his loans later, once the financial situation has stabilized. His siblings basically threatened to cut off all contact with the family unless their tuition got paid - it got paid. DH never did this and his tuition never got paid.

We were married. But my problem is that I still feel that I took on what was essentially his parents' obligation.

Yeah, I basically feel that his family always viewed me as a cash cow.

THEY didn't take advantage of you. It doesn't matter what your "culture" does, you're in the us now and college is funded lots of different ways. YOU chose to cover his college expenses, they didn't force you. Get help for your misdirected anger. It was your husbands obligation to get a college degree and he found the way to pay for it via you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. You could have said no then. You chose to do it.

2. You can say no now. What is the problem?

Well, I love my husband. Somebody had to do right by him.

I know I can say no. But my kids actually like their cousins and they are not old enough to hear the whole story.

The only story here is that you have issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does it benefit you to hold a grudge for 20 years, OP? Is it going to change what happened or who people were and are? Or is it going to continue to poison you and your husband and child? Are you holding out hope that someone from his family will come forward and apologize and hand you a bag of cash? Are you mad at the family in addition for having genes that may have contributed to your child having special needs? You need to ask yourself why you're determined to hold onto this anger.

I know it doesn't benefit anyone. I wish to hell I could let it go but I just can't seem to be able to do it. Yeah, an apology would be nice. I don't expect a bag of cash - they are too greedy.

You aren't owed an apology from them. A tank you from your DH, but that's it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are blaming your DH's family, when your DH is the one who ultimately decided to not ask his family to reimburse him for his education.

Who pays for a child's higher education is a cultural difference between you and your DH and his family and you aren't willing to accept this difference or work through it. Although for some reason, you were very willing to date and marry outside of your culture.

You're getting to play the victim/martyr, which is the powerful role here. You get to call all the shots and feel sorry for your poor, poor self. Not so easy to let that go and choose happiness for your family instead.

Plus the DH parents circumstances seem to be different at the points each was in college. I think OP regrets marrying outside her culture.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get where you're coming from because I, too, am an immigrant who has problems saying no and from a culture that is tight knit/has boundary issues. That said, you really do have to take responsibility for your decision to marry your DH, not stand up to his parents back then, and pay his loans. I'm sure your immigrant parents weren't thrilled you were marrying someone dumber that you had to support, but it sounds like you were able to stand up to your family. Why didn't you stand up to DH's? Let things go and be nicer to the newer members of the family. You can hate your mil/fil (who doesn't?) but you shouldn't hate on potentially awesome family.

[Anonymous]

You said that in your culture parents pay for education so why did you have college loans? I think you chose to pay off your husband's loans so why, 20 years later, are you still obsessing over this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP seems much like her DH's siblings who demanded the money to pay off their student loans, with the only exception being she hasn't yet asked for the money. It's very clear that she deeply resents using her money on her DH's education because she thinks the parent should have paid for it, same as DH's siblings. OP is also willing to keep herself and her children away from the family because the money hasn't been offered, just like the siblings threatened to.

I agree that she resents using her money. I also agree that she thinks that the parent should have paid for it. But I don't agree that she's the same as them. She didn't demand it. The siblings did. Even after they demanded it, and they all got it, she STILL didn't demand it. I got the impression that she's irritated that they didn't get it like the others did, but would have continued on with her life without thinking too much more about it or letting it consume her or whatever. The issue is that it's being rubbed in her face constantly when they all get together and act like "we're all a big happy family, oh why are you being different to us, why don't you come and sit with us and be one big happy family" when it's really that THEY decided that one couple would be different to the others. They can't complain about it now.


And no, I don't know the OP.

I think OP would demand it if her DH didn't get in the way.

The tuition money isn't a likely topic of discussion and probably hasn't been for quite a while. Op is the only one still carrying the old baggage into every gathering, and every time the bag gets heavier as she stuffs it with yet another layer of grievances, grudges and resentments from the last interaction with the ILs. She needs help to recognize that and give herself permission to leave the old baggage behind. As people mature, they can choose to forgive their siblings for their earlier childish behaviors and move on, valuing family and more mature adult connections. That seems to be where the DH and his family is at, but OP is clinging to the old baggage as if it's her BFF. It's like she wants everyone to see that she still has the old baggage, but they're all wondering why she keeps bringing it along, and then she gets even more upset. She is emotionally stuck, and a therapist can help her get unstuck, but she has to be willing.

Yeah, you are right. This is the issue. I don't give a damn about the money, that is done and gone. I just can't get over my resentment of these people. But I am not selfish and self centered enough to prevent my family from seeing them.

And yes, I am an only child (l see the tomatoes coming but it's fine, I posted because I need perspectives other than my own).

-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get where you're coming from because I, too, am an immigrant who has problems saying no and from a culture that is tight knit/has boundary issues. That said, you really do have to take responsibility for your decision to marry your DH, not stand up to his parents back then, and pay his loans. I'm sure your immigrant parents weren't thrilled you were marrying someone dumber that you had to support, but it sounds like you were able to stand up to your family. Why didn't you stand up to DH's? Let things go and be nicer to the newer members of the family. You can hate your mil/fil (who doesn't?) but you shouldn't hate on potentially awesome family.

No, they weren't thrilled. But in the end we all love each other and can work through things.

His family has never shown me affection (for example, they told my husband on our first anniversary to tell me that they don't celebrate anniversaries). Our interactions always felt like an imposition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get where you're coming from because I, too, am an immigrant who has problems saying no and from a culture that is tight knit/has boundary issues. That said, you really do have to take responsibility for your decision to marry your DH, not stand up to his parents back then, and pay his loans. I'm sure your immigrant parents weren't thrilled you were marrying someone dumber that you had to support, but it sounds like you were able to stand up to your family. Why didn't you stand up to DH's? Let things go and be nicer to the newer members of the family. You can hate your mil/fil (who doesn't?) but you shouldn't hate on potentially awesome family.

No, they weren't thrilled. But in the end we all love each other and can work through things.

His family has never shown me affection (for example, they told my husband on our first anniversary to tell me that they don't celebrate anniversaries). Our interactions always felt like an imposition.

They don't??? Shocking.

Just for personal reference, but why would anyone WANT to show affection towards a bitter, judgemental, sanctimonious, ice queen, who has a 10 foot wall of resentful, grudge filled baggage around her?

Boy, she sounds like a party...

I'm sure your overall vibe & body language towards them is inherently warm, inviting & NON stand off-ish, so it's anyone's guess as to why they've never shown you affection?

Uh, have you ever tried hugging a cactus, OP?
It's not recommended.

I imagine the same can be said of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get where you're coming from because I, too, am an immigrant who has problems saying no and from a culture that is tight knit/has boundary issues. That said, you really do have to take responsibility for your decision to marry your DH, not stand up to his parents back then, and pay his loans. I'm sure your immigrant parents weren't thrilled you were marrying someone dumber that you had to support, but it sounds like you were able to stand up to your family. Why didn't you stand up to DH's? Let things go and be nicer to the newer members of the family. You can hate your mil/fil (who doesn't?) but you shouldn't hate on potentially awesome family.

No, they weren't thrilled. But in the end we all love each other and can work through things.

His family has never shown me affection (for example, they told my husband on our first anniversary to tell me that they don't celebrate anniversaries). Our interactions always felt like an imposition.

They don't??? Shocking.

Just for personal reference, but why would anyone WANT to show affection towards a bitter, judgemental, sanctimonious, ice queen, who has a 10 foot wall of resentful, grudge filled baggage around her?

Boy, she sounds like a party...

I'm sure your overall vibe & body language towards them is inherently warm, inviting & NON stand off-ish, so it's anyone's guess as to why they've never shown you affection?

Uh, have you ever tried hugging a cactus, OP?
It's not recommended.

I imagine the same can be said of you.

Oh stop! So much exaggeration here. That said, OP, seriously why did you marry this guy? I know it's too late to take back your marriage now, but you were academically more qualified than him and his family sounds, though not necessarily like bad people, overbearing and obnoxious. Didn't you know about it before? It's like you set them all up to fail. It's good you are in therapy. For your sanity, you should probably cut down on visiting them and when you do visit, communicate what you want and set boundaries in a firm but friendly way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get where you're coming from because I, too, am an immigrant who has problems saying no and from a culture that is tight knit/has boundary issues. That said, you really do have to take responsibility for your decision to marry your DH, not stand up to his parents back then, and pay his loans. I'm sure your immigrant parents weren't thrilled you were marrying someone dumber that you had to support, but it sounds like you were able to stand up to your family. Why didn't you stand up to DH's? Let things go and be nicer to the newer members of the family. You can hate your mil/fil (who doesn't?) but you shouldn't hate on potentially awesome family.

No, they weren't thrilled. But in the end we all love each other and can work through things.

His family has never shown me affection (for example, they told my husband on our first anniversary to tell me that they don't celebrate anniversaries). Our interactions always felt like an imposition.

You seem to be personally offended that they don't celebrate anniversaries, but it seems to me that the only perspective you're considering is your own. Since DH's parent lost their spouse, any anniversary celebration after their loss might have been too painful for them to bear for a long time. And even if there was no such loss in the family, if they were the type to celebrate your anniversary, they'd also have to celebrate everyone else's anniversary. Then everyone's weekends would get filled up with not just the usual family centered events and holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas and weddings, but all the family anniversaries, birthdays, individual religious milestones.....and where does it all end? For a person who can't stand the family get togethers as it is, why would you want even MORE family events? Not only do they take up everyone's time, but if gifts are also expected, would also be a drain on everyone's finances. Sometimes the reasons are simply practical. It has nothing to do with you personally, but you think it's all about you.

Read 16:24's advice on page 6 of this thread, and then follow it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get where you're coming from because I, too, am an immigrant who has problems saying no and from a culture that is tight knit/has boundary issues. That said, you really do have to take responsibility for your decision to marry your DH, not stand up to his parents back then, and pay his loans. I'm sure your immigrant parents weren't thrilled you were marrying someone dumber that you had to support, but it sounds like you were able to stand up to your family. Why didn't you stand up to DH's? Let things go and be nicer to the newer members of the family. You can hate your mil/fil (who doesn't?) but you shouldn't hate on potentially awesome family.

No, they weren't thrilled. But in the end we all love each other and can work through things.

His family has never shown me affection (for example, they told my husband on our first anniversary to tell me that they don't celebrate anniversaries). Our interactions always felt like an imposition.

You seem to be personally offended that they don't celebrate anniversaries, but it seems to me that the only perspective you're considering is your own. Since DH's parent lost their spouse, any anniversary celebration after their loss might have been too painful for them to bear for a long time. And even if there was no such loss in the family, if they were the type to celebrate your anniversary, they'd also have to celebrate everyone else's anniversary. Then everyone's weekends would get filled up with not just the usual family centered events and holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas and weddings, but all the family anniversaries, birthdays, individual religious milestones.....and where does it all end? For a person who can't stand the family get togethers as it is, why would you want even MORE family events? Not only do they take up everyone's time, but if gifts are also expected, would also be a drain on everyone's finances. Sometimes the reasons are simply practical. It has nothing to do with you personally, but you think it's all about you.

Read 16:24's advice on page 6 of this thread, and then follow it.

That's what happens when you hold onto anger, resentment & bitterness for 15 years, you become hyper sensitive, paranoid & defensive that everything being talked about is always about you, everyone talking is talking about you, everything that's changed is because of you & basically, they spend their lives thinking of ways to hate you.

None of which are true of course, but this is textbook hyper sensitivity & paranoia, which is caused by spending an incredibly ridiculous amount of time obsessing about something so negative & unhealthy. If the OP is smart, she'll take charge of her life & stop this madness now.

What a miserable way to go through life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get where you're coming from because I, too, am an immigrant who has problems saying no and from a culture that is tight knit/has boundary issues. That said, you really do have to take responsibility for your decision to marry your DH, not stand up to his parents back then, and pay his loans. I'm sure your immigrant parents weren't thrilled you were marrying someone dumber that you had to support, but it sounds like you were able to stand up to your family. Why didn't you stand up to DH's? Let things go and be nicer to the newer members of the family. You can hate your mil/fil (who doesn't?) but you shouldn't hate on potentially awesome family.

No, they weren't thrilled. But in the end we all love each other and can work through things.

His family has never shown me affection (for example, they told my husband on our first anniversary to tell me that they don't celebrate anniversaries). Our interactions always felt like an imposition.

They don't??? Shocking.

Just for personal reference, but why would anyone WANT to show affection towards a bitter, judgemental, sanctimonious, ice queen, who has a 10 foot wall of resentful, grudge filled baggage around her?

Boy, she sounds like a party...

I'm sure your overall vibe & body language towards them is inherently warm, inviting & NON stand off-ish, so it's anyone's guess as to why they've never shown you affection?

Uh, have you ever tried hugging a cactus, OP?
It's not recommended.

I imagine the same can be said of you.

Oh stop! So much exaggeration here. That said, OP, seriously why did you marry this guy? I know it's too late to take back your marriage now, but you were academically more qualified than him and his family sounds, though not necessarily like bad people, overbearing and obnoxious. Didn't you know about it before? It's like you set them all up to fail. It's good you are in therapy. For your sanity, you should probably cut down on visiting them and when you do visit, communicate what you want and set boundaries in a firm but friendly way.

Are you kidding me?
I'm not the PP, but they definitely didn't exaggerate.
It's absolutely mind boggling that the OP makes statements as ridiculous as "his family has never shown me affection", yet she's completely clueless as to why that would be.

She's so stand off-ish & bitter... is that someone who's easily approachable? I wouldn't even want to say hi, let alone show her affection.

And I agree with the pp, the OP only sees things from HER perspective (she's has textbook only child syndrome).
The OP complains that they've never been affectionate towards her... has she been affectionate towards them?
Does she give off the vibe that she wants affection from these people? They're not mind readers you know... if you consistently behave in a manner that's off putting & stand off-ish to them, why would you expect affection?

That just seems like such a weird thing to say.

Here she is going on & on for 11 pages saying how bitter, resentful & angry she's been for the past 15 years & yet, she wonders why they haven't been affectionate towards her?

How can she possibly be that clueless?

They may not be mind readers, but they can surely read her body language & I 100% agree with the hugging a cactus reference to giving her & her gigantic wall of bitterness & resentment built around her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get where you're coming from because I, too, am an immigrant who has problems saying no and from a culture that is tight knit/has boundary issues. That said, you really do have to take responsibility for your decision to marry your DH, not stand up to his parents back then, and pay his loans. I'm sure your immigrant parents weren't thrilled you were marrying someone dumber that you had to support, but it sounds like you were able to stand up to your family. Why didn't you stand up to DH's? Let things go and be nicer to the newer members of the family. You can hate your mil/fil (who doesn't?) but you shouldn't hate on potentially awesome family.

No, they weren't thrilled. But in the end we all love each other and can work through things.

His family has never shown me affection (for example, they told my husband on our first anniversary to tell me that they don't celebrate anniversaries). Our interactions always felt like an imposition.

They don't??? Shocking.

Just for personal reference, but why would anyone WANT to show affection towards a bitter, judgemental, sanctimonious, ice queen, who has a 10 foot wall of resentful, grudge filled baggage around her?

Boy, she sounds like a party...

I'm sure your overall vibe & body language towards them is inherently warm, inviting & NON stand off-ish, so it's anyone's guess as to why they've never shown you affection?

Uh, have you ever tried hugging a cactus, OP?
It's not recommended.

I imagine the same can be said of you.

Oh stop! So much exaggeration here. That said, OP, seriously why did you marry this guy? I know it's too late to take back your marriage now, but you were academically more qualified than him and his family sounds, though not necessarily like bad people, overbearing and obnoxious. Didn't you know about it before? It's like you set them all up to fail. It's good you are in therapy. For your sanity, you should probably cut down on visiting them and when you do visit, communicate what you want and set boundaries in a firm but friendly way.

Are you kidding me?
I'm not the PP, but they definitely didn't exaggerate.
It's absolutely mind boggling that the OP makes statements as ridiculous as "his family has never shown me affection", yet she's completely clueless as to why that would be.

She's so stand off-ish & bitter... is that someone who's easily approachable? I wouldn't even want to say hi, let alone show her affection.

And I agree with the pp, the OP only sees things from HER perspective (she's has textbook only child syndrome).
The OP complains that they've never been affectionate towards her... has she been affectionate towards them?
Does she give off the vibe that she wants affection from these people? They're not mind readers you know... if you consistently behave in a manner that's off putting & stand off-ish to them, why would you expect affection?

That just seems like such a weird thing to say.

Here she is going on & on for 11 pages saying how bitter, resentful & angry she's been for the past 15 years & yet, she wonders why they haven't been affectionate towards her?

How can she possibly be that clueless?

They may not be mind readers, but they can surely read her body language & I 100% agree with the hugging a cactus reference to giving her & her gigantic wall of bitterness & resentment built around her.

Well, it didn't start out that way. I am actually a very affectionate person. But getting? enough things thrown in your face will make an ice queen of just about anyone m