Rant re DH's family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adults know life isn't fair, that people who wrong you rarely apologize, and come to terms with that.

She has come to terms with it. By choosing to not spend time with those people anymore. You can't change others, just yourself. And you also shouldn't go through life letting people treat you like shit.

What kind of example is she setting for her kid? What is she supposed to say when the kid finds out that the grandparents paid off all the siblings' tuition fees except theirs? And now they need to struggle financially as a result? And that's okay, because we'll all just get along and play nicely and pretend that it didn't happen? And oh yes let's listen empathetically to Aunt Jenny whinge about what nice shoes cost these days and can you please pass the salad. You think her kid will be well adjusted after that?

Even JUST for the kid, both her and her husband need to demonstrate (with actions, not just words) that unfairness is shit. This little piece of injustice in the world is something that they can make a stand against. Good on her. Maybe her kid will grow up with a moral compass and a backbone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adults know life isn't fair, that people who wrong you rarely apologize, and come to terms with that.

She has come to terms with it. By choosing to not spend time with those people anymore. You can't change others, just yourself. And you also shouldn't go through life letting people treat you like shit.

What kind of example is she setting for her kid? What is she supposed to say when the kid finds out that the grandparents paid off all the siblings' tuition fees except theirs? And now they need to struggle financially as a result? And that's okay, because we'll all just get along and play nicely and pretend that it didn't happen? And oh yes let's listen empathetically to Aunt Jenny whinge about what nice shoes cost these days and can you please pass the salad. You think her kid will be well adjusted after that?

Even JUST for the kid, both her and her husband need to demonstrate (with actions, not just words) that unfairness is shit. This little piece of injustice in the world is something that they can make a stand against. Good on her. Maybe her kid will grow up with a moral compass and a backbone.

I don't know if you're OP sockpuppeting, or if you're projecting your own issues, but you seem to have your own weird mercenary agenda. There's zero reason for anyone to bring up who paid for whose college 20 years ago among the grandchildren. That's not their business and they shouldn't care or be dragged into it. And if some of the family gets more money than other members, too bad. You're not entitled. Your kids aren't entitled. You think you are, but you're not. And the kids would rather have connections with family than make some "statement" and take a "stand" because your nose is out of joint about the tab you're keeping. Letting go of unfair treatment regarding money within family doesn't mean you have no moral compass or backbone. It means you value people over money. And that's a good lesson to teach your kids.

[Anonymous]

I think it's really telling that you note that the SN run in your husbands side rather than yours. It sounds like you have a lot of misplaced anger and resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adults know life isn't fair, that people who wrong you rarely apologize, and come to terms with that.

She has come to terms with it. By choosing to not spend time with those people anymore. You can't change others, just yourself. And you also shouldn't go through life letting people treat you like shit.

What kind of example is she setting for her kid? What is she supposed to say when the kid finds out that the grandparents paid off all the siblings' tuition fees except theirs? And now they need to struggle financially as a result? And that's okay, because we'll all just get along and play nicely and pretend that it didn't happen? And oh yes let's listen empathetically to Aunt Jenny whinge about what nice shoes cost these days and can you please pass the salad. You think her kid will be well adjusted after that?

Even JUST for the kid, both her and her husband need to demonstrate (with actions, not just words) that unfairness is shit. This little piece of injustice in the world is something that they can make a stand against. Good on her. Maybe her kid will grow up with a moral compass and a backbone.

I don't know if you're OP sockpuppeting, or if you're projecting your own issues, but you seem to have your own weird mercenary agenda. There's zero reason for anyone to bring up who paid for whose college 20 years ago among the grandchildren. That's not their business and they shouldn't care or be dragged into it. And if some of the family gets more money than other members, too bad. You're not entitled. Your kids aren't entitled. You think you are, but you're not. And the kids would rather have connections with family than make some "statement" and take a "stand" because your nose is out of joint about the tab you're keeping. Letting go of unfair treatment regarding money within family doesn't mean you have no moral compass or backbone. It means you value people over money. And that's a good lesson to teach your kids.

This person is not sockpuppeting for me, and while intellectually I know you are right, it is nice to have the other person's understanding. Funny enough, DHs family now loves to speechify about valuing money over people - to the point of one of his siblings proposing to stop getting gifts for the kids at Christmas because "people are more important'. Mind you, none of us are poor, we are all comfortably off, but these people wanted to save $. Thankfully, that got shot down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I don't know if you're OP sockpuppeting, or if you're projecting your own issues, but you seem to have your own weird mercenary agenda. There's zero reason for anyone to bring up who paid for whose college 20 years ago among the grandchildren. That's not their business and they shouldn't care or be dragged into it. And if some of the family gets more money than other members, too bad. You're not entitled. Your kids aren't entitled. You think you are, but you're not. And the kids would rather have connections with family than make some "statement" and take a "stand" because your nose is out of joint about the tab you're keeping. Letting go of unfair treatment regarding money within family doesn't mean you have no moral compass or backbone. It means you value people over money. And that's a good lesson to teach your kids.

I'm not "sockpuppeting". My "weird mercenary agenda" came from seeing someone attacked on an anonymous forum for having a perfectly valid position given the circumstances.

It's the parents and the other siblings who value money over people. The OP and her husband demanded nothing. The greedy siblings demanded more than the parent wanted to give and (infinitely) more than the OP's family received. The grandparent obliged. They all think that's fine. She doesn't. Why is it so hard for you (all, unless you're "sockpuppeting" and maybe there's just one of you) to understand that it's her decision to not have crappy people in her life. Yes, she's not "entitled" to the money. But they're also not "entitled" to her happy company despite the way they've treated her/him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's really telling that you note that the SN run in your husbands side rather than yours. It sounds like you have a lot of misplaced anger and resentment.

I actually agree that this was a strange thing to say. And I do think that the anger and resentment is misplaced. It should be directed towards her husband. Not his family. But that doesn't mean she has to have anything to do with his family. He doesn't need to apologize for them. But he also can't force them on her either. (Meaning expecting her to go there and act happy or whatever.)

I think her husband needs to apologize for putting her in a position where she feels obligated to pay huge amounts of money for his debt because he apparently couldn't pay it himself when there was 'free money' on the table that he acted like he didn't want or need. He wouldn't take from his parents/siblings but he didn't seem to have a problem taking from her. And it sounds like he's maybe continuing to 'take' even more now with a bit of gas lighting (oh it's all okay, what's your problem anyway, let's just all be friends and be happy).

But even though her resentment should be directed at her husband, she doesn't need to have anything to do with his family of origin. Her kids will have other friends. It's not like it's the cousins or no socialization at all. It sounds like they're not particularly close or supportive extended family anyway, or they simply wouldn't have felt comfortable having the unfairness like that. I could never be on EITHER side of something like that and be okay with it. It can still be corrected even now. If they cared. But they don't. So it continues. And so she has a right to not have anything to do with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. You could have said no then. You chose to do it.

2. You can say no now. What is the problem?

Why aren't you blaming your husband for allowing you to pay off his loans?

It's not their fault that your in-law's new spouses weren't around years ago. You need to let this go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I don't know if you're OP sockpuppeting, or if you're projecting your own issues, but you seem to have your own weird mercenary agenda. There's zero reason for anyone to bring up who paid for whose college 20 years ago among the grandchildren. That's not their business and they shouldn't care or be dragged into it. And if some of the family gets more money than other members, too bad. You're not entitled. Your kids aren't entitled. You think you are, but you're not. And the kids would rather have connections with family than make some "statement" and take a "stand" because your nose is out of joint about the tab you're keeping. Letting go of unfair treatment regarding money within family doesn't mean you have no moral compass or backbone. It means you value people over money. And that's a good lesson to teach your kids.

I'm not "sockpuppeting". My "weird mercenary agenda" came from seeing someone attacked on an anonymous forum for having a perfectly valid position given the circumstances.

It's the parents and the other siblings who value money over people. The OP and her husband demanded nothing. The greedy siblings demanded more than the parent wanted to give and (infinitely) more than the OP's family received. The grandparent obliged. They all think that's fine. She doesn't. Why is it so hard for you (all, unless you're "sockpuppeting" and maybe there's just one of you) to understand that it's her decision to not have crappy people in her life. Yes, she's not "entitled" to the money. But they're also not "entitled" to her happy company despite the way they've treated her/him.

This is just a one way trip to crazy town. Why ask for help, OP, and then not absorb anything that anyone says?
I think most people reading this thread get the idea that you're one step away from hurting some people of just exploding with rage.
It's really weird and unhinged.

I don't know who this other person is who agrees with you (does she know you?) but that's weird too and it's not helping you at all.

[Anonymous]

OP seems much like her DH's siblings who demanded the money to pay off their student loans, with the only exception being she hasn't yet asked for the money. It's very clear that she deeply resents using her money on her DH's education because she thinks the parent should have paid for it, same as DH's siblings. OP is also willing to keep herself and her children away from the family because the money hasn't been offered, just like the siblings threatened to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP seems much like her DH's siblings who demanded the money to pay off their student loans, with the only exception being she hasn't yet asked for the money. It's very clear that she deeply resents using her money on her DH's education because she thinks the parent should have paid for it, same as DH's siblings. OP is also willing to keep herself and her children away from the family because the money hasn't been offered, just like the siblings threatened to.

I agree that she resents using her money. I also agree that she thinks that the parent should have paid for it. But I don't agree that she's the same as them. She didn't demand it. The siblings did. Even after they demanded it, and they all got it, she STILL didn't demand it. I got the impression that she's irritated that they didn't get it like the others did, but would have continued on with her life without thinking too much more about it or letting it consume her or whatever. The issue is that it's being rubbed in her face constantly when they all get together and act like "we're all a big happy family, oh why are you being different to us, why don't you come and sit with us and be one big happy family" when it's really that THEY decided that one couple would be different to the others. They can't complain about it now.


And no, I don't know the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get your resentment over paying your own husband's school loans. Who did you expect would pay it? Also, you're saying they _forced_ you to pay it _because_ you're an immigrant? Really??

I get they may not be nice to you, but at least examine whether your bitterness is even rational. Look around, lots and lots of families have struggled under debt from medical bills, school and other things. I You didn't, you had the means. That was a long time ago.

Many people dislike their in-laws, but your problem is your false victimhood

I'm not OP, but I'm a PP. Why should she pay someone else's loans? He's an adult, he can pay them himself, and still manage to contribute the same amount to the household. Grownups do not expect/ accept others paying their debts for them.

One you're married, all your debts are jointly yours, unless you lay out a prenuptial. In any case if he paid them the money still comes from the family pot...hello, how's this not obvious??

Omg OP, you have to stop.

I was starting to feel a little empathy for you, but then you come and post all of these posts pretending that other people are posting then in defense of you (and don't deny it, you're the only one who gets this worked up defending you & sees things ONLY from your perspective).

This is a lost cause... she will be like this forever & make everyone around her so incredibly miserable, that she'll end up bitter & alone (she's already extremely bitter, the alone part can't be far off).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adults know life isn't fair, that people who wrong you rarely apologize, and come to terms with that.

She has come to terms with it. By choosing to not spend time with those people anymore. You can't change others, just yourself. And you also shouldn't go through life letting people treat you like shit.

What kind of example is she setting for her kid? What is she supposed to say when the kid finds out that the grandparents paid off all the siblings' tuition fees except theirs? And now they need to struggle financially as a result? And that's okay, because we'll all just get along and play nicely and pretend that it didn't happen? And oh yes let's listen empathetically to Aunt Jenny whinge about what nice shoes cost these days and can you please pass the salad. You think her kid will be well adjusted after that?

Even JUST for the kid, both her and her husband need to demonstrate (with actions, not just words) that unfairness is shit. This little piece of injustice in the world is something that they can make a stand against. Good on her. Maybe her kid will grow up with a moral compass and a backbone.

I don't know if you're OP sockpuppeting, or if you're projecting your own issues, but you seem to have your own weird mercenary agenda. There's zero reason for anyone to bring up who paid for whose college 20 years ago among the grandchildren. That's not their business and they shouldn't care or be dragged into it. And if some of the family gets more money than other members, too bad. You're not entitled. Your kids aren't entitled. You think you are, but you're not. And the kids would rather have connections with family than make some "statement" and take a "stand" because your nose is out of joint about the tab you're keeping. Letting go of unfair treatment regarding money within family doesn't mean you have no moral compass or backbone. It means you value people over money. And that's a good lesson to teach your kids.

This person is not sockpuppeting for me, and while intellectually I know you are right, it is nice to have the other person's understanding. Funny enough, DHs family now loves to speechify about valuing money over people - to the point of one of his siblings proposing to stop getting gifts for the kids at Christmas because "people are more important'. Mind you, none of us are poor, we are all comfortably off, but these people wanted to save $. Thankfully, that got shot down.

What in the actual f@ck, lady??

You're comfortable off, yet you're still gripping on about money (that was never yours or promised to you) from 20 years ago?

That is just THE most bizarre, egregious & self righteous thing I've ever heard.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say the OP is definitely an only child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 02:17. I'd also like to add that even though the younger siblings may have gotten the parent to pay their college bills, it was done only after the kids threatened to cut off the parent. .... And after the parent was done with kids 2, 3 and 4, how much $ could be left for #1, who was already married?

Yeah, they sound like real saints. And why did the parent need to pay off all of kid #2's tuition and then all of kid #3's tuition and all of kid #4's tuition before cycling back to see if there was something left for kid #1? Why couldn't they see what they had and what they were prepared to contribute and split it? Obviously the parents had no intention of giving to any of the kids, or they would have done it before the threats of cutting contact were made.

Anonymous wrote: And the parent's retirement. ... No parent should be expected to finance kids' education expenses by sacrificing their retirement savings, let alone for for a married child's expenses.

Agreed. And did you miss the part about the other siblings being married too?

Anonymous wrote:
OP's own parents could not pay entirely for her education, yet she somehow thinks a widowed, single parent of 4 should have the money to fully finance 4 college educations. That's hard to do even when you have 2 working parents.

I got the message that the parents in law had money before the death of the one parent. And she doesn't THINK anything. The parent in law did actually pay for 3 college educations. Nowhere did I read any resentment from the OP about her husband not getting his loans FULLY paid for by his parents. It was the unfairness that he had nothing, they had everything. And then everyone thinks that they should just make nice and pretend like it's all fine.

Even if she wasn't struggling with a kid with special needs.

Oh my good God, entitled much?
This was THEIR money and didn't have to give a dime to any of them & the fact that you expected it, just goes to show how MONEY HUNGRY you are.

And then you go and hold a grudge for 20 years over money that you should never have expected in the first place... you've got some nerve.

Oh & since you keep bringing up your special needs child (who you CLEARLY resent, based on your posts).

Maybe if you spent a little more time with him & actually being present, you wouldn't have so much time & energy to focus on this nonsense.

You seem to have your priorities WAY skewed, as it seems like this is what controls your life, instead of what's best for your kids.

Self centered & bitter... what a delightful combination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adults know life isn't fair, that people who wrong you rarely apologize, and come to terms with that.

She has come to terms with it. By choosing to not spend time with those people anymore. You can't change others, just yourself. And you also shouldn't go through life letting people treat you like shit.

What kind of example is she setting for her kid? What is she supposed to say when the kid finds out that the grandparents paid off all the siblings' tuition fees except theirs? And now they need to struggle financially as a result? And that's okay, because we'll all just get along and play nicely and pretend that it didn't happen? And oh yes let's listen empathetically to Aunt Jenny whinge about what nice shoes cost these days and can you please pass the salad. You think her kid will be well adjusted after that?

Even JUST for the kid, both her and her husband need to demonstrate (with actions, not just words) that unfairness is shit. This little piece of injustice in the world is something that they can make a stand against. Good on her. Maybe her kid will grow up with a moral compass and a backbone.

I don't know if you're OP sockpuppeting, or if you're projecting your own issues, but you seem to have your own weird mercenary agenda. There's zero reason for anyone to bring up who paid for whose college 20 years ago among the grandchildren. That's not their business and they shouldn't care or be dragged into it. And if some of the family gets more money than other members, too bad. You're not entitled. Your kids aren't entitled. You think you are, but you're not. And the kids would rather have connections with family than make some "statement" and take a "stand" because your nose is out of joint about the tab you're keeping. Letting go of unfair treatment regarding money within family doesn't mean you have no moral compass or backbone. It means you value people over money. And that's a good lesson to teach your kids.

This person is not sockpuppeting for me, and while intellectually I know you are right, it is nice to have the other person's understanding. Funny enough, DHs family now loves to speechify about valuing money over people - to the point of one of his siblings proposing to stop getting gifts for the kids at Christmas because "people are more important'. Mind you, none of us are poor, we are all comfortably off, but these people wanted to save $. Thankfully, that got shot down.

Yeah, 2 of you agree with each other in over 13 pages of posts... what's wrong with this picture.

That's your problem OP, in 13 pages of people telling you to let it go & move on, you find the only other certifiable & sanctimonious lunatic & decide that because one person agreed with you (out of 100) then you both must be right.

Sounds almost exactly like what happened with your therapists. They all told you what we've been saying to you in this entire thread & when they didn't tell you what your wanted to hear, you moved on. It wasn't until you finally found a therapist who told you that you were right, did you actually keep them on as your doctor.

I'm sensing a pattern here... I also call very much a single child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP seems much like her DH's siblings who demanded the money to pay off their student loans, with the only exception being she hasn't yet asked for the money. It's very clear that she deeply resents using her money on her DH's education because she thinks the parent should have paid for it, same as DH's siblings. OP is also willing to keep herself and her children away from the family because the money hasn't been offered, just like the siblings threatened to.

I agree that she resents using her money. I also agree that she thinks that the parent should have paid for it. But I don't agree that she's the same as them. She didn't demand it. The siblings did. Even after they demanded it, and they all got it, she STILL didn't demand it. I got the impression that she's irritated that they didn't get it like the others did, but would have continued on with her life without thinking too much more about it or letting it consume her or whatever. The issue is that it's being rubbed in her face constantly when they all get together and act like "we're all a big happy family, oh why are you being different to us, why don't you come and sit with us and be one big happy family" when it's really that THEY decided that one couple would be different to the others. They can't complain about it now.


And no, I don't know the OP.

I think OP would demand it if her DH didn't get in the way.

The tuition money isn't a likely topic of discussion and probably hasn't been for quite a while. Op is the only one still carrying the old baggage into every gathering, and every time the bag gets heavier as she stuffs it with yet another layer of grievances, grudges and resentments from the last interaction with the ILs. She needs help to recognize that and give herself permission to leave the old baggage behind. As people mature, they can choose to forgive their siblings for their earlier childish behaviors and move on, valuing family and more mature adult connections. That seems to be where the DH and his family is at, but OP is clinging to the old baggage as if it's her BFF. It's like she wants everyone to see that she still has the old baggage, but they're all wondering why she keeps bringing it along, and then she gets even more upset. She is emotionally stuck, and a therapist can help her get unstuck, but she has to be willing.