Rant re DH's family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get where you're coming from because I, too, am an immigrant who has problems saying no and from a culture that is tight knit/has boundary issues. That said, you really do have to take responsibility for your decision to marry your DH, not stand up to his parents back then, and pay his loans. I'm sure your immigrant parents weren't thrilled you were marrying someone dumber that you had to support, but it sounds like you were able to stand up to your family. Why didn't you stand up to DH's? Let things go and be nicer to the newer members of the family. You can hate your mil/fil (who doesn't?) but you shouldn't hate on potentially awesome family.

No, they weren't thrilled. But in the end we all love each other and can work through things.

His family has never shown me affection (for example, they told my husband on our first anniversary to tell me that they don't celebrate anniversaries). Our interactions always felt like an imposition.

They don't??? Shocking.

Just for personal reference, but why would anyone WANT to show affection towards a bitter, judgemental, sanctimonious, ice queen, who has a 10 foot wall of resentful, grudge filled baggage around her?

Boy, she sounds like a party...

I'm sure your overall vibe & body language towards them is inherently warm, inviting & NON stand off-ish, so it's anyone's guess as to why they've never shown you affection?

Uh, have you ever tried hugging a cactus, OP?
It's not recommended.

I imagine the same can be said of you.

Oh stop! So much exaggeration here. That said, OP, seriously why did you marry this guy? I know it's too late to take back your marriage now, but you were academically more qualified than him and his family sounds, though not necessarily like bad people, overbearing and obnoxious. Didn't you know about it before? It's like you set them all up to fail. It's good you are in therapy. For your sanity, you should probably cut down on visiting them and when you do visit, communicate what you want and set boundaries in a firm but friendly way.

In short - I was young and thought I could move mountains. Yes, I am trying to just limit contact (DH and the kids are free to visit them... without me).

[Anonymous]

Why would anyone celebrate another person's anniversary?!?

Many people don't even celebrate their own, for various reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would anyone celebrate another person's anniversary?!?

Many people don't even celebrate their own, for various reasons.

I meant they don't send cards or even wish you a happy anniversary. I find that pretty bizzarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would anyone celebrate another person's anniversary?!?

Many people don't even celebrate their own, for various reasons.

I meant they don't send cards or even wish you a happy anniversary. I find that pretty bizzarre.

No, that is not normal.

Most people do not send cards or remember another person's anniversary.

You're probably my nutcase narcissistic SIL who expects these things, and expects everyone to do things for her, but never, ever reciprocates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would anyone celebrate another person's anniversary?!?

Many people don't even celebrate their own, for various reasons.

I meant they don't send cards or even wish you a happy anniversary. I find that pretty bizzarre.

Do you not get that any anniversary might be painful after someone loses their spouse? And if ADHD runs in the family, it just might be be that it's too hard for them to keep up with every family event. Even something that sounds simple like sending a card is a multi-step process that requires organizational skills. Try to understand them without jumping to the conclusion that it's personal. Do you personalize every single thing your SN child does incorrectly as a personal affront?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would anyone celebrate another person's anniversary?!?

Many people don't even celebrate their own, for various reasons.

I meant they don't send cards or even wish you a happy anniversary. I find that pretty bizzarre.

No, that is not normal.

Most people do not send cards or remember another person's anniversary.

You're probably my nutcase narcissistic SIL who expects these things, and expects everyone to do things for her, but never, ever reciprocates.

Um, no. I was taught things like this are common courtesy. And yes I still send them birthday wishes etc. Even though it is never receiprocated. I am just past getting these people nice presents while going to school and working two jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would anyone celebrate another person's anniversary?!?

Many people don't even celebrate their own, for various reasons.

I meant they don't send cards or even wish you a happy anniversary. I find that pretty bizzarre.

Do you not get that any anniversary might be painful after someone loses their spouse? And if ADHD runs in the family, it just might be be that it's too hard for them to keep up with every family event. Even something that sounds simple like sending a card is a multi-step process that requires organizational skills. Try to understand them without jumping to the conclusion that it's personal. Do you personalize every single thing your SN child does incorrectly as a personal affront?

Since FIL remarried fairly quickly I doubt it.

And no, of course I don't personalize everything. The point I keep trying to.make is I can't seem to get over the slights from these people, real or imagined. I really don't know why. I want to get over them, I just can't. I am perfectly capable of acting like a rational adult when it comes to everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure this can ever be put right and frankly I am not even sure I want to put it right but I just need to vent...

My husband is the oldest of a few siblings. We got together fairly young (in college) while his family was going through some serious issues (illness and eventual death of one parent, financial problems and the like). His family (at least at that time) was not close, the siblings barely spoke to each other (which I found shocking) etc. I tried to do the best I can to support him and we sort of got through it, but I thought his family treated him badly (he had to drop out of college for a few years because his parents refused to pay his tuition (he couldn't get financial aid because the family looked well-off on paper) although they paid for his siblings. I always did better academically than him and knew I would be the main breadwinner, which at the time was a non-issue for me.

I also happen to be an immigrant and I come from the culture that very strongly believe that parents are responsible for their children's education and helping them get on their feet. Instead, the minute I left school and started working, his remaining parent started calling me telling me how I was responsible for my husband's (fairly substantial) student loans. I did eventually pay for my husband to get a masters and paid off his student loans as well as mine (my family helped some, but they were immigrants and it took them a while go get on their feet in this country). Rationally or not, I feel like his family took advantage of me while I should have been getting on my feet.\ I also (whether rationally or not) have always believed that my husband's family always treated him worse than his other siblings.

Fast forward 20 years. We have a child with farily severe SNs so I can't work as hard and earn as much money as I could have. His siblings married late and their respective spouses have not been around for all the turmoil DHs family went through. Now DHs family wants to have get-togethers and generally act like a family...but frankly I want nothing to do with it. I can't get over them trying to take advantage of an immigrant kid. I can't get over DH being treated badly. I don't understand why they now suddenly want to be a family when for so many years they weren't. His siblings' spouses think I am unfriendly and don't want to contribute, but frankly they weren't around for all the bad stuff.

I have tried therapy, but it didn't help. I just want nothing to do with these people. I am perfectly fine with DH and the kids spending time with them, but my kids wonder why I am always so unhappy at Christmas and other family get togethers that they have - frankly, I wish I could tell the kids that I am only there so they don't ask why I don't go, but that doesn't seem like the right thing to do either.

I know this is rambly and incoherent, but the whole situation just keeps making me angry. I know the right approach is to probably let bygones be bygones...but I just can't do that. Thanks for listening.

Let your DH decide how he interacts with his family, you follow his lead. If he can get past it then you should be able to as well. Stop being a problem for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get where you're coming from because I, too, am an immigrant who has problems saying no and from a culture that is tight knit/has boundary issues. That said, you really do have to take responsibility for your decision to marry your DH, not stand up to his parents back then, and pay his loans. I'm sure your immigrant parents weren't thrilled you were marrying someone dumber that you had to support, but it sounds like you were able to stand up to your family. Why didn't you stand up to DH's? Let things go and be nicer to the newer members of the family. You can hate your mil/fil (who doesn't?) but you shouldn't hate on potentially awesome family.

No, they weren't thrilled. But in the end we all love each other and can work through things.

His family has never shown me affection (for example, they told my husband on our first anniversary to tell me that they don't celebrate anniversaries). Our interactions always felt like an imposition.

They don't??? Shocking.

Just for personal reference, but why would anyone WANT to show affection towards a bitter, judgemental, sanctimonious, ice queen, who has a 10 foot wall of resentful, grudge filled baggage around her?

Boy, she sounds like a party...

I'm sure your overall vibe & body language towards them is inherently warm, inviting & NON stand off-ish, so it's anyone's guess as to why they've never shown you affection?

Uh, have you ever tried hugging a cactus, OP?
It's not recommended.

I imagine the same can be said of you.

Oh stop! So much exaggeration here. That said, OP, seriously why did you marry this guy? I know it's too late to take back your marriage now, but you were academically more qualified than him and his family sounds, though not necessarily like bad people, overbearing and obnoxious. Didn't you know about it before? It's like you set them all up to fail. It's good you are in therapy. For your sanity, you should probably cut down on visiting them and when you do visit, communicate what you want and set boundaries in a firm but friendly way.

Are you kidding me?
I'm not the PP, but they definitely didn't exaggerate.
It's absolutely mind boggling that the OP makes statements as ridiculous as "his family has never shown me affection", yet she's completely clueless as to why that would be.

She's so stand off-ish & bitter... is that someone who's easily approachable? I wouldn't even want to say hi, let alone show her affection.

And I agree with the pp, the OP only sees things from HER perspective (she's has textbook only child syndrome).
The OP complains that they've never been affectionate towards her... has she been affectionate towards them?
Does she give off the vibe that she wants affection from these people? They're not mind readers you know... if you consistently behave in a manner that's off putting & stand off-ish to them, why would you expect affection?

That just seems like such a weird thing to say.

Here she is going on & on for 11 pages saying how bitter, resentful & angry she's been for the past 15 years & yet, she wonders why they haven't been affectionate towards her?

How can she possibly be that clueless?

They may not be mind readers, but they can surely read her body language & I 100% agree with the hugging a cactus reference to giving her & her gigantic wall of bitterness & resentment built around her.

Well, it didn't start out that way. I am actually a very affectionate person. But getting? enough things thrown in your face will make an ice queen of just about anyone m

Wait, what??

You yourself said that they haven't done anything to you in 15 years, how are they throwing things in your face?

You said the spouses and children are clueless to what happened 15 years ago... that doesn't exactly sound like anyone is throwing anything in your face, or they would've picked up on it / heard them doing it.

Honestly OP, it sounds like the only person that's been throwing this up in your face for the past 15 years is YOU.

[Anonymous]

OP this is so weird. I have actually re-read your original post several times in order to try to understand where you are coming from. The two things that are the most notable about it are:

(1) you don't talk about your DH as if he is a person with any agency--why didn't he stand up to his parents? why didn't he pay his own loans?

(2) you talk about his YOUNGER siblings and their spouses as though they are to blame for slights from his one living parent 20 years ago. If your DH is the oldest then when he was in college they were high school/college age or younger, right? How are they possibly to blame for their parents not paying for your DH's college?

It seems like you must be holding on to this grudge as a way to avoid dealing with something else, possibly resentment/anger about your DH or the way your life has turned out in general. I have a child with SN and I know it's not easy, but it is not the fault of other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP this is so weird. I have actually re-read your original post several times in order to try to understand where you are coming from. The two things that are the most notable about it are:

(1) you don't talk about your DH as if he is a person with any agency--why didn't he stand up to his parents? why didn't he pay his own loans?

(2) you talk about his YOUNGER siblings and their spouses as though they are to blame for slights from his one living parent 20 years ago. If your DH is the oldest then when he was in college they were high school/college age or younger, right? How are they possibly to blame for their parents not paying for your DH's college?

It seems like you must be holding on to this grudge as a way to avoid dealing with something else, possibly resentment/anger about your DH or the way your life has turned out in general. I have a child with SN and I know it's not easy, but it is not the fault of other people. [/quot?/

1. I try not to bring DH into this. If I felt as much anger towards him as I do towards his family, I couldn't live with him.

2. The age difference is fairly negligible - all of the siblings are within a few years of each other and all were in school at nearly the same time.

3. We had kids fairly late. The anger was there way before the SN child was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get where you're coming from because I, too, am an immigrant who has problems saying no and from a culture that is tight knit/has boundary issues. That said, you really do have to take responsibility for your decision to marry your DH, not stand up to his parents back then, and pay his loans. I'm sure your immigrant parents weren't thrilled you were marrying someone dumber that you had to support, but it sounds like you were able to stand up to your family. Why didn't you stand up to DH's? Let things go and be nicer to the newer members of the family. You can hate your mil/fil (who doesn't?) but you shouldn't hate on potentially awesome family.

No, they weren't thrilled. But in the end we all love each other and can work through things.

His family has never shown me affection (for example, they told my husband on our first anniversary to tell me that they don't celebrate anniversaries). Our interactions always felt like an imposition.

They don't??? Shocking.

Just for personal reference, but why would anyone WANT to show affection towards a bitter, judgemental, sanctimonious, ice queen, who has a 10 foot wall of resentful, grudge filled baggage around her?

Boy, she sounds like a party...

I'm sure your overall vibe & body language towards them is inherently warm, inviting & NON stand off-ish, so it's anyone's guess as to why they've never shown you affection?

Uh, have you ever tried hugging a cactus, OP?
It's not recommended.

I imagine the same can be said of you.

Oh stop! So much exaggeration here. That said, OP, seriously why did you marry this guy? I know it's too late to take back your marriage now, but you were academically more qualified than him and his family sounds, though not necessarily like bad people, overbearing and obnoxious. Didn't you know about it before? It's like you set them all up to fail. It's good you are in therapy. For your sanity, you should probably cut down on visiting them and when you do visit, communicate what you want and set boundaries in a firm but friendly way.

Are you kidding me?
I'm not the PP, but they definitely didn't exaggerate.
It's absolutely mind boggling that the OP makes statements as ridiculous as "his family has never shown me affection", yet she's completely clueless as to why that would be.

She's so stand off-ish & bitter... is that someone who's easily approachable? I wouldn't even want to say hi, let alone show her affection.

And I agree with the pp, the OP only sees things from HER perspective (she's has textbook only child syndrome).
The OP complains that they've never been affectionate towards her... has she been affectionate towards them?
Does she give off the vibe that she wants affection from these people? They're not mind readers you know... if you consistently behave in a manner that's off putting & stand off-ish to them, why would you expect affection?

That just seems like such a weird thing to say.

Here she is going on & on for 11 pages saying how bitter, resentful & angry she's been for the past 15 years & yet, she wonders why they haven't been affectionate towards her?

How can she possibly be that clueless?

They may not be mind readers, but they can surely read her body language & I 100% agree with the hugging a cactus reference to giving her & her gigantic wall of bitterness & resentment built around her.

Well, it didn't start out that way. I am actually a very affectionate person. But getting? enough things thrown in your face will make an ice queen of just about anyone m

Wait, what??

You yourself said that they haven't done anything to you in 15 years, how are they throwing things in your face?

You said the spouses and children are clueless to what happened 15 years ago... that doesn't exactly sound like anyone is throwing anything in your face, or they would've picked up on it / heard them doing it.

Honestly OP, it sounds like the only person that's been throwing this up in your face for the past 15 years is YOU.

DH and I married early. Others married late. By the time the next spouse came into the family DH and I have been together for over a decade and the patterns were set. But everyone had kids around the same time, so the cousins are close in age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would anyone celebrate another person's anniversary?!?

Many people don't even celebrate their own, for various reasons.

I meant they don't send cards or even wish you a happy anniversary. I find that pretty bizzarre.

Do you not get that any anniversary might be painful after someone loses their spouse? And if ADHD runs in the family, it just might be be that it's too hard for them to keep up with every family event. Even something that sounds simple like sending a card is a multi-step process that requires organizational skills. Try to understand them without jumping to the conclusion that it's personal. Do you personalize every single thing your SN child does incorrectly as a personal affront?

Since FIL remarried fairly quickly I doubt it.

And no, of course I don't personalize everything. The point I keep trying to.make is I can't seem to get over the slights from these people, real or imagined. I really don't know why. I want to get over them, I just can't. I am perfectly capable of acting like a rational adult when it comes to everyone else.

You keep saying you want to get past this, but you are defending your behavior when people point out where the problems lie. So the answer is to stop being so defensive. Entertain the possibility that you could've been mistaken. Give your ILs the benefit of the doubt. Look for other reasons than "wanting to insult my DIL/SIL" to explain what has happened. Stop allowing yourself to wallow in self pity, although that pool is pretty deep after 20 years.

You were expecting a *father*-in-law to send you greeting cards? And that's after he lost his wife, who was probably the one who kept up the social niceties? Some men just don't do things like that. Haven't you read any of the posts here and on the relationship thread around every special occasion where men don't do anything for even their own wife or mother on their birthday, anniversary, Christmas or Mother's Day?

And you can't see how paying for college for multiple children all at the same time could stress a person's finances to the breaking point or beyond, where there just isn't any more to give? And a new wife may not have been willing to chip in for college for the children who aren't hers.

It also matters whether your DH is the only son. Some parents feel very strongly that a son has to learn how to stand on his own two feet, especially if this was 20+ years ago.

I think you have unrealistic expectations.

[Anonymous]

Don't count other people's money, OP.

They earned their money & have every right to do with it as they please. It wasn't promised to him, so why would you get so bent out of shape?

The can do what they like with their own hard earned money & tot have no right holding onto a grudge, especially for something that neither you nor your husband was embroiled to.

Boy, you just love the view up there on your morally superior high horse, however I assume it's pretty lonely by yourself.

I just can't believe you've had such displaced anger for so long, your husband is an adult & shouldn't have needed neither you NOR your in laws to pay for him!

It's actually quite pathetic how ridiculous this whole thing is, when if he would have just manned up & paid off his own Lohan in the first place, you wouldn't be in this position now.

If you want to blame anyone, blame him.

What grown man needs either his mommy & daddy to pay for college or his wifey? That's really such a wuss move & he should be ashamed that he accepted your money in the guest place (although I imagine he ran all the way to the bank to get it, right?).

You should be mad at him... Id never marry a Beta man, who's actually not a man by any definition of the word anyway. Needing someone else to pay school loans?
What a wuss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't count other people's money, OP.

They earned their money & have every right to do with it as they please. It wasn't promised to him, so why would you get so bent out of shape?

The can do what they like with their own hard earned money & tot have no right holding onto a grudge, especially for something that neither you nor your husband was embroiled to.

Boy, you just love the view up there on your morally superior high horse, however I assume it's pretty lonely by yourself.

I just can't believe you've had such displaced anger for so long, your husband is an adult & shouldn't have needed neither you NOR your in laws to pay for him!

It's actually quite pathetic how ridiculous this whole thing is, when if he would have just manned up & paid off his own Lohan in the first place, you wouldn't be in this position now.

If you want to blame anyone, blame him.

What grown man needs either his mommy & daddy to pay for college or his wifey? That's really such a wuss move & he should be ashamed that he accepted your money in the guest place (although I imagine he ran all the way to the bank to get it, right?).

You should be mad at him... Id never marry a Beta man, who's actually not a man by any definition of the word anyway. Needing someone else to pay school loans?
What a wuss.

* damn you autocorrect!