Rant re DH's family

[Anonymous]

What seems to be missing from your posts is your husbands perspective. I think you should schedule a time to talk about this with him. It might help you to hash all these issues out with him and he might give you other perspectives you haven't thought of.
Prepare him for this conversation by telling him you have emotional anger you need to tell him about. And once you have said the things you wrote here, listen to his response. The point is not for him to get defensive, but to provide more info as to how he does not carry the anger you do.
Perhaps there were things that happened in his childhood before you met him that negate the wrong his parents did. Perhaps he is now trying to create a family dynamic he previously didn't have and forgiveness is the only way forward. Try to understand his perspective. It may take more than one conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the siblings were the squeaky wheel and demanded that the family pay for their education. Was it really that simple? Why didn't your husband demand the same? Perhaps you should be mad at him for not asking.

He thought it was wrong at the time. When his siblings did it he brought it up and was told flat out that his wife (me) could afford to do it. After that, he had very little contact with his family for years, but eventually he got over it. I never could. Maybe that makes him a better person, who knows.

How does DH's family get the impression that you can do it? DO you flash it or do you tell them how much you make or own? I am an immigrant, I work hard for where I am. My parents never paid for my college because of their finances and when my husband and I got married, my student loans became his responsibility. I never asked but he took on that responsibility. I don't think he is resentful since my income is equivalent. I never would think my husband would resent it, however, I have never asked them and I think it is unreasonable for him to be mad at my parents becuase they are not financially stable. When your DH made the choice of getting married, he can be on his own financially, and independent of his parents. You took that responsibilty on yourself.

I wonder if you are resenting that your DH doesn't make as much and you have to work harder with a child. You probably have an idea of what your life should be now and it isn't, so you are resentful of the past.

Nothing great will come to you if you are so resentful. If your child is having a great time during gatherings, guess what he'll also remember? Mom is sitting there being mad and distant. When he grows older, he'll remember and gravitate towards family that your child likes and frankly your child would not like to be around you. So, let it go, you may not like his family but do it for your child so that good things come to you in the future. I really do believe in Karma.

I do not like my MIL or BIL at all. I still teach my kids to respect them and I try to have a great time and act like nothing happened in teh past because if my kids see that I am negative to their grandma and uncle, they may think they can treat me negatively in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the "they took advantage of an immigrant kid" stuff. They aren't nice and it's understandable that you don't like them but they didn't take special advantage of you.

I feel like I was fulfilling their obligations to their son. We both worked several jobs through college and grad school. They could have made lives easier for us but didn't.

Parents are not obligated to fund their child's college and grad school. If they do, great. If they can't or won't, it is the student's choice whether to take out student loans. Your husband (and you because you are a team) chose to do that and as adults, you were responsible for repayment. Unless these family members are actively mistreating your husband, it sounds like you are the person causing unhappiness and drama in this situation. The best way to forgive someone (even though you simply sound entitled) is to serve and actively be kind to them. Try it, it might help you to be happier.

[Anonymous]

14 pages this has been going on. I don't understand how all these posters are piling up on OP. I have seen so many whiny posts, here on DCUM, about MILs, about DHs not making enough money, for countless trifles that showcase how spoiled SOME white women are, and these posts get commiserating responses, but OP's get a get over it, it's been 20 years already cavalier answers.
We are missing OP's pain, which is less about having paid $$$ etc..., but more about the ongoing unacknowledgement of the injustice heaped upon her husband by her husband's family and especially siblings.

Much hugs to you, OP and I hope you can recover from this. I hope you are actively talking to your husband as to why his family's treatment is now acceptable to him, and I hope also that you know you have the right to avoid his family and to hold your distance until you "get over it".

[Anonymous]

OP i haven't read all the responses because I saw people were attacking you. Many Americans have totally twisted idea of a family and who "owes" what to whom.

As for your situation I suggest that you stop going to those gathering. Your kids love their cousins, fine, then your husband can take them to see them .you don't need to be a part of this at all.