Rant re DH's family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the "they took advantage of an immigrant kid" stuff. They aren't nice and it's understandable that you don't like them but they didn't take special advantage of you.

I feel like I was fulfilling their obligations to their son. We both worked several jobs through college and grad school. They could have made lives easier for us but didn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the "they took advantage of an immigrant kid" stuff. They aren't nice and it's understandable that you don't like them but they didn't take special advantage of you.

I feel like I was fulfilling their obligations to their son. We both worked several jobs through college and grad school. They could have made lives easier for us but didn't.

I don't see the connection with your immigrant status.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does it benefit you to hold a grudge for 20 years, OP? Is it going to change what happened or who people were and are? Or is it going to continue to poison you and your husband and child? Are you holding out hope that someone from his family will come forward and apologize and hand you a bag of cash? Are you mad at the family in addition for having genes that may have contributed to your child having special needs? You need to ask yourself why you're determined to hold onto this anger.

I know it doesn't benefit anyone. I wish to hell I could let it go but I just can't seem to be able to do it. Yeah, an apology would be nice. I don't expect a bag of cash - they are too greedy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the "they took advantage of an immigrant kid" stuff. They aren't nice and it's understandable that you don't like them but they didn't take special advantage of you.

I feel like I was fulfilling their obligations to their son. We both worked several jobs through college and grad school. They could have made lives easier for us but didn't.

I don't see the connection with your immigrant status.

His family has been here for centuries and had money. My family came here with two suitcases and $140. But somehow because I was willing to work hard while DHs siblings pursued their "passions" I ended up holding the bag financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I'm confused about a few things:
-could DH's family contributed to college and were holding back? It sounds like they went through tough times financially and couldn't pay the bill. If that's so, then I wouldn't hold resentment against his parents for not paying for his college.
- It wasn't appropriate for his parent to call you and ask you to pay off his loans. Were you married at the time? If you were married, it's a reasonable decision for couples to decide to pay off all outstanding student loans together, regardless of what his family said.
- Is there more

They couldn't have right then. They could have paid his loans later, once the financial situation has stabilized. His siblings basically threatened to cut off all contact with the family unless their tuition got paid - it got paid. DH never did this and his tuition never got paid.

We were married. But my problem is that I still feel that I took on what was essentially his parents' obligation.

Yeah, I basically feel that his family always viewed me as a cash cow.

If you were married, you were basically declaring yourselves an independent household unit. That is more how things work in America, especially among families that aren't rich. And, in general, student loans are the obligation of the student, not the parents.

Now, what the siblings did was really shitty, and if you never trust them because of that, I can kind of see it. What does your DH say, though? Has he forgiven them? Lots of people make dumb mistakes when they are young and then grow up to be decent people.

You're going to have to find a way to be around them--minimally, but still. I might ask DH to schedule alternative times to major holidays as much as possible though. It's ok to want Christmas in your own home, for instance.

DH is willing to let bygones be bygones. I sort of get it because these people are his family and I gather they get along better now than they ever did. I can't do the same because I am not related to them and all they ever did for years is treat me badly.

[Anonymous]

I think you're being way too hard on his family if the reason his family was struggling at the time was the illness and *death* of a parent. It's not like they were choosing to be deliberately reckless. Bad things happen and it sounds like the road for them was very rough for a while but they got through it. As a parent yourself now, can't you summon a little compassion and sympathy to the surviving parent for having had to face the loss of their spouse and having to support a family alone?

Your DH could've taken full responsiblity for financing his own education regardless of his family's issues, but then he had you to lean on and he did. Is he a good husband and provider for your family now? Is he a hard worker and has his income brought enough compensation for your investment in him? Those would and should be your rewards for having invested in him. Or are your family finances shaky and are you looking for reimbursement for your DH's education? If so, that's an issue you need to discuss and work out with your DH first.

I think the other sibling and family battles are his to work through and not yours, but you seem to have taken on the job. Let go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're being way too hard on his family if the reason his family was struggling at the time was the illness and *death* of a parent. It's not like they were choosing to be deliberately reckless. Bad things happen and it sounds like the road for them was very rough for a while but they got through it. As a parent yourself now, can't you summon a little compassion and sympathy to the surviving parent for having had to face the loss of their spouse and having to support a family alone?

Your DH could've taken full responsiblity for financing his own education regardless of his family's issues, but then he had you to lean on and he did. Is he a good husband and provider for your family now? Is he a hard worker and has his income brought enough compensation for your investment in him? Those would and should be your rewards for having invested in him. Or are your family finances shaky and are you looking for reimbursement for your DH's education? If so, that's an issue you need to discuss and work out with your DH first.

I think the other sibling and family battles are his to work through and not yours, but you seem to have taken on the job. Let go.

We do OK. I will always be the main breadwinner, but he has a good job and is a wonderful father.

Frankly, I think his family was always sort of a mess and when I met them my every instinct was to run. I stayed because I loved DH and because I thought I should have compassion for the situation. But the way resentment for the way these people have treated me has pushed out all the compassion.

I have to laugh because DHs siblings spouses basically think I am a selfish bitch. I am really not. But this is the only way I can deal with being around these people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I'm confused about a few things:
-could DH's family contributed to college and were holding back? It sounds like they went through tough times financially and couldn't pay the bill. If that's so, then I wouldn't hold resentment against his parents for not paying for his college.
- It wasn't appropriate for his parent to call you and ask you to pay off his loans. Were you married at the time? If you were married, it's a reasonable decision for couples to decide to pay off all outstanding student loans together, regardless of what his family said.
- Is there more

They couldn't have right then. They could have paid his loans later, once the financial situation has stabilized. His siblings basically threatened to cut off all contact with the family unless their tuition got paid - it got paid. DH never did this and his tuition never got paid.

We were married. But my problem is that I still feel that I took on what was essentially his parents' obligation.

Yeah, I basically feel that his family always viewed me as a cash cow.

If you were married, you were basically declaring yourselves an independent household unit. That is more how things work in America, especially among families that aren't rich. And, in general, student loans are the obligation of the student, not the parents.

Now, what the siblings did was really shitty, and if you never trust them because of that, I can kind of see it. What does your DH say, though? Has he forgiven them? Lots of people make dumb mistakes when they are young and then grow up to be decent people.

You're going to have to find a way to be around them--minimally, but still. I might ask DH to schedule alternative times to major holidays as much as possible though. It's ok to want Christmas in your own home, for instance.

DH is willing to let bygones be bygones. I sort of get it because these people are his family and I gather they get along better now than they ever did. I can't do the same because I am not related to them and all they ever did for years is treat me badly.

You don't view your in-laws as family? I can't imagine why they haven't warned up to you, it really is a mystery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am dying to hear what your DH says about this. Can you let us know?

Yes, where is your DH in all this?

And why did your being a better student mean that you were presumed to take on the role of main breadwinner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I'm confused about a few things:
-could DH's family contributed to college and were holding back? It sounds like they went through tough times financially and couldn't pay the bill. If that's so, then I wouldn't hold resentment against his parents for not paying for his college.
- It wasn't appropriate for his parent to call you and ask you to pay off his loans. Were you married at the time? If you were married, it's a reasonable decision for couples to decide to pay off all outstanding student loans together, regardless of what his family said.
- Is there more

They couldn't have right then. They could have paid his loans later, once the financial situation has stabilized. His siblings basically threatened to cut off all contact with the family unless their tuition got paid - it got paid. DH never did this and his tuition never got paid.

We were married. But my problem is that I still feel that I took on what was essentially his parents' obligation.

Yeah, I basically feel that his family always viewed me as a cash cow.

If you were married, you were basically declaring yourselves an independent household unit. That is more how things work in America, especially among families that aren't rich. And, in general, student loans are the obligation of the student, not the parents.

Now, what the siblings did was really shitty, and if you never trust them because of that, I can kind of see it. What does your DH say, though? Has he forgiven them? Lots of people make dumb mistakes when they are young and then grow up to be decent people.

You're going to have to find a way to be around them--minimally, but still. I might ask DH to schedule alternative times to major holidays as much as possible though. It's ok to want Christmas in your own home, for instance.

DH is willing to let bygones be bygones. I sort of get it because these people are his family and I gather they get along better now than they ever did. I can't do the same because I am not related to them and all they ever did for years is treat me badly.

You don't view your in-laws as family? I can't imagine why they haven't warned up to you, it really is a mystery.

They never acted like family to me, so I don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the "they took advantage of an immigrant kid" stuff. They aren't nice and it's understandable that you don't like them but they didn't take special advantage of you.

I feel like I was fulfilling their obligations to their son. We both worked several jobs through college and grad school. They could have made lives easier for us but didn't.

I don't see the connection with your immigrant status.

His family has been here for centuries and had money. My family came here with two suitcases and $140. But somehow because I was willing to work hard while DHs siblings pursued their "passions" I ended up holding the bag financially.

Take responsibility for your decisions. You DECIDED to marry your husband with all of his financial baggage. You DECIDED to marry someone who was not as studious as you were. How is this someone else's fault?!

[Anonymous]

So the siblings were the squeaky wheel and demanded that the family pay for their education. Was it really that simple? Why didn't your husband demand the same? Perhaps you should be mad at him for not asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am dying to hear what your DH says about this. Can you let us know?

Yes, where is your DH in all this?

And why did your being a better student mean that you were presumed to take on the role of main breadwinner?

I could get into a better grad school and had more opportunities.

[Anonymous]

Sorry op, you do come off as a ginormous bitch. You're so obsessed with holding it against your in laws, you can't even suck it up for the sake of your kids. Strike that, you sound like a selfish bitch. You so want to hate them that you prefer that over trying to have a good time. If it got to the point where my kids were commenting, I'd suck it up for the sake of them.

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for both your DH and your kids. You're so stuck on this idea of what his parents should have done 20 years ago that you are negatively affecting them. The fact that you don't even seem to want to try to get over it just makes you selfish. Don't share all this with anyone but a therapist. I'd be completely turned off of a friendship with you.