Rant re DH's family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would anyone celebrate another person's anniversary?!?

Many people don't even celebrate their own, for various reasons.

I meant they don't send cards or even wish you a happy anniversary. I find that pretty bizzarre.

Our family is very close on both sides, and I've never had anyone send me an anniversary card. I don't know if they even make cards to send to other people for their anniversary (other than a milestone, like 25 or 50).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get where you're coming from because I, too, am an immigrant who has problems saying no and from a culture that is tight knit/has boundary issues. That said, you really do have to take responsibility for your decision to marry your DH, not stand up to his parents back then, and pay his loans. I'm sure your immigrant parents weren't thrilled you were marrying someone dumber that you had to support, but it sounds like you were able to stand up to your family. Why didn't you stand up to DH's? Let things go and be nicer to the newer members of the family. You can hate your mil/fil (who doesn't?) but you shouldn't hate on potentially awesome family.

No, they weren't thrilled. But in the end we all love each other and can work through things.

His family has never shown me affection (for example, they told my husband on our first anniversary to tell me that they don't celebrate anniversaries). Our interactions always felt like an imposition.

They don't??? Shocking.

Just for personal reference, but why would anyone WANT to show affection towards a bitter, judgemental, sanctimonious, ice queen, who has a 10 foot wall of resentful, grudge filled baggage around her?

Boy, she sounds like a party...

I'm sure your overall vibe & body language towards them is inherently warm, inviting & NON stand off-ish, so it's anyone's guess as to why they've never shown you affection?

Uh, have you ever tried hugging a cactus, OP?
It's not recommended.

I imagine the same can be said of you.

Oh stop! So much exaggeration here. That said, OP, seriously why did you marry this guy? I know it's too late to take back your marriage now, but you were academically more qualified than him and his family sounds, though not necessarily like bad people, overbearing and obnoxious. Didn't you know about it before? It's like you set them all up to fail. It's good you are in therapy. For your sanity, you should probably cut down on visiting them and when you do visit, communicate what you want and set boundaries in a firm but friendly way.

In short - I was young and thought I could move mountains. Yes, I am trying to just limit contact (DH and the kids are free to visit them... without me).

Are you even still married to 'DH'?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this is so weird. I have actually re-read your original post several times in order to try to understand where you are coming from. The two things that are the most notable about it are:

(1) you don't talk about your DH as if he is a person with any agency--why didn't he stand up to his parents? why didn't he pay his own loans?

(2) you talk about his YOUNGER siblings and their spouses as though they are to blame for slights from his one living parent 20 years ago. If your DH is the oldest then when he was in college they were high school/college age or younger, right? How are they possibly to blame for their parents not paying for your DH's college?

It seems like you must be holding on to this grudge as a way to avoid dealing with something else, possibly resentment/anger about your DH or the way your life has turned out in general. I have a child with SN and I know it's not easy, but it is not the fault of other people. [/quot?/

1. I try not to bring DH into this. If I felt as much anger towards him as I do towards his family, I couldn't live with him.

2. The age difference is fairly negligible - all of the siblings are within a few years of each other and all were in school at nearly the same time.

3. We had kids fairly late. The anger was there way before the SN child was.

OK so there you go--your anger is actually at your DH, but you can't allow yourself to feel that angry at him so you have been redirecting it to his family.

Since it's clear you love your husband, I think your relationship would withstand your allowing yourself to acknowledge your anger at him and talk it through with him, maybe with the assistance of a good counselor. If you approach it with the attitude that you want to work through it I think it could work. Since the anger at the family is obviously not going anywhere (and seems to be causing problems, hence you posting about it) I dont think that continuing to redirect your frustration is going to work indefinitely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get where you're coming from because I, too, am an immigrant who has problems saying no and from a culture that is tight knit/has boundary issues. That said, you really do have to take responsibility for your decision to marry your DH, not stand up to his parents back then, and pay his loans. I'm sure your immigrant parents weren't thrilled you were marrying someone dumber that you had to support, but it sounds like you were able to stand up to your family. Why didn't you stand up to DH's? Let things go and be nicer to the newer members of the family. You can hate your mil/fil (who doesn't?) but you shouldn't hate on potentially awesome family.

No, they weren't thrilled. But in the end we all love each other and can work through things.

His family has never shown me affection (for example, they told my husband on our first anniversary to tell me that they don't celebrate anniversaries). Our interactions always felt like an imposition.

They don't??? Shocking.

Just for personal reference, but why would anyone WANT to show affection towards a bitter, judgemental, sanctimonious, ice queen, who has a 10 foot wall of resentful, grudge filled baggage around her?

Boy, she sounds like a party...

I'm sure your overall vibe & body language towards them is inherently warm, inviting & NON stand off-ish, so it's anyone's guess as to why they've never shown you affection?

Uh, have you ever tried hugging a cactus, OP?
It's not recommended.

I imagine the same can be said of you.

Oh stop! So much exaggeration here. That said, OP, seriously why did you marry this guy? I know it's too late to take back your marriage now, but you were academically more qualified than him and his family sounds, though not necessarily like bad people, overbearing and obnoxious. Didn't you know about it before? It's like you set them all up to fail. It's good you are in therapy. For your sanity, you should probably cut down on visiting them and when you do visit, communicate what you want and set boundaries in a firm but friendly way.

In short - I was young and thought I could move mountains. Yes, I am trying to just limit contact (DH and the kids are free to visit them... without me).

Are you even still married to 'DH'?

Yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

His family has never shown me affection (for example, they told my husband on our first anniversary to tell me that they don't celebrate anniversaries). Our interactions always felt like an imposition.

They don't??? Shocking.

Just for personal reference, but why would anyone WANT to show affection towards a bitter, judgemental, sanctimonious, ice queen, who has a 10 foot wall of resentful, grudge filled baggage around her?

Boy, she sounds like a party...

I'm sure your overall vibe & body language towards them is inherently warm, inviting & NON stand off-ish, so it's anyone's guess as to why they've never shown you affection?

Uh, have you ever tried hugging a cactus, OP?
It's not recommended.

I imagine the same can be said of you.

It's absolutely mind boggling that the OP makes statements as ridiculous as "his family has never shown me affection", yet she's completely clueless as to why that would be.

She's so stand off-ish & bitter... is that someone who's easily approachable? I wouldn't even want to say hi, let alone show her affection.

And I agree with the pp, the OP only sees things from HER perspective (she's has textbook only child syndrome).
The OP complains that they've never been affectionate towards her... has she been affectionate towards them?
Does she give off the vibe that she wants affection from these people? They're not mind readers you know... if you consistently behave in a manner that's off putting & stand off-ish to them, why would you expect affection?

That just seems like such a weird thing to say.

Here she is going on & on for 11 pages saying how bitter, resentful & angry she's been for the past 15 years & yet, she wonders why they haven't been affectionate towards her?

How can she possibly be that clueless?

They may not be mind readers, but they can surely read her body language & I 100% agree with the hugging a cactus reference to giving her & her gigantic wall of bitterness & resentment built around her.

Well, it didn't start out that way. I am actually a very affectionate person. But getting? enough things thrown in your face will make an ice queen of just about anyone m

Wait... did I miss something??

I thought this SINGULAR incident occurred with your in-laws over 15 years ago & it hasn't been brought up since?

If that is indeed the case, who exactly has been throwing this SINGULAR incident up in your face for the past 15 years? Is it...

your alter ego?
your evil twin?
your doppelganger?
Tyler Durden??

Who? Who besides you has been not only hanging onto this nonsense for the past 15 years, but also has been throwing it up in your face?

This has to be one of THE most self degradating, self induced, self harmful, compulsive & maladjusted neurosis I've ever heard of.

You've been so wrapped up in this neurasthenian obsession, it's not only become your identity, its now a compulsion for you.

OP, you need to research "Paranoid personality disorder" (I'm not saying that as a joke or to be hurtful).
While you may not have been born with PPD, you definitely seem to have the genetic marker for it & this situation is textbook PPD.

[Anonymous]

You need to just decide to let it go. You are more mad at your ILs than I am at my ex who cheated on me and left me financially in the toilet. And more time has passed for you.

My grandmother was a bitter and angry woman esp about money. I think it was b.c of the Great Depression. Anyway one time she told me a story about my grandfathers mother and some unfair money situation. She was still angry about it 50 years later. So sad!

[Anonymous]

Holy sh!t... I think the PP 2 before me was exactly right, the OP definitely seems to have PPD.

I thought all of this could've been like a self contrived PTSD,
however after reading about PPD, the OP seems to be their poster child!

Just a few very significant points that REALLY jumped out at me:

* Paranoid personality disorder can result from negative childhood/adolescent experiences fostered by a threatening, intimidating or domineering domestic atmosphere.
It is prompted by extreme and unfounded bouts of parental rage, manipulation or condescending parental influence that cultivate profound childhood insecurities.

* People with this disorder will often misinterpret harmless comments and behavior from others and may build up and harbor unfounded resentment for an UNREASONABLE length of time.

* People with this disorder typically exhibit a strong need for self-sufficiency, are rigid and often litigious

* They tend to misinterpret harmless comments and behavior as malicious.

* People with this disorder are rigid, inflexible, and maladaptive and of sufficient severity to cause significant impairment in functioning or internal distress.


People with this disorder have an unwarranted tendency to interpret the actions of other people as deliberately threatening or demeaning.

The disorder, surfacing by early adulthood, is manifested by an omnipresent sense of distrust and unjustified suspicion that yields persistent misinterpretation of others' intentions as being malicious.

People with a paranoid personality disorder are usually unable to acknowledge their own negative feelings toward others but do not generally lose touch with reality.

The patient's mistrust & paranoia may be congruent & non exclusive, meaning the patient may mistrust everyone in their life or the mistrust may be specific to certain individuals.
---
How could none of the scores of therapists & professionals you've seen not pick up on this?

Anger & resentment prematurely age you OP, that's a fact.
Have you ever seen any pretty mean old ladies before?
I rest my case.

You need to get help for this.

[Anonymous]

We don't know what her therapists thought, but it seems OP leaves therapy too soon. The only person qualified to diagnose her is a therapist who is working with her. I hope that she will find a really good one and hang in there, not just for her own peace of mind, but especially for her children, whi deserve a healthy mother.

A huge area of contention between OP and her FIL seems to parenting philosophy because they seem to be polar opposites, with OP being very maternal and over-nurturing to the point of sacrificing self (works all the time and really wants a vacation, but all money goes to the college fund) and her FIL seeming to treat he DH as if he was his drill sergeant barking orders (DH cut off at ~18). She resents FIL because he isn't as giving as she is and she's dug her heels in on this. But fathers have a different role to play in raising children than mothers, and both are important.

What's odd though is that OP seems to be challenging her FIL, and not her DH. She is not her FIL's parenting partner, so she needs to step back; that's not her place. DH is in the middle as if he was a child.

OP should appreciate that her ILs raised a son who turned out to be a person that she loves. There is a middle ground to parenting, and in addition to counseling, OP and her DH should take parenting classes together to learn what that is, so that their children benefit from healthy parenting. Children need both love and limits. And while young children need nurturing, OP needs to keep in mind she is ultimately raising a new generation of adults who need to be independent and can stand on their own two feet. They won't get there if she does everything for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't know what her therapists thought, but it seems OP leaves therapy too soon. The only person qualified to diagnose her is a therapist who is working with her. I hope that she will find a really good one and hang in there, not just for her own peace of mind, but especially for her children, whi deserve a healthy mother.

A huge area of contention between OP and her FIL seems to parenting philosophy because they seem to be polar opposites, with OP being very maternal and over-nurturing to the point of sacrificing self (works all the time and really wants a vacation, but all money goes to the college fund) and her FIL seeming to treat he DH as if he was his drill sergeant barking orders (DH cut off at ~18). She resents FIL because he isn't as giving as she is and she's dug her heels in on this. But fathers have a different role to play in raising children than mothers, and both are important.

What's odd though is that OP seems to be challenging her FIL, and not her DH. She is not her FIL's parenting partner, so she needs to step back; that's not her place. DH is in the middle as if he was a child.

OP should appreciate that her ILs raised a son who turned out to be a person that she loves. There is a middle ground to parenting, and in addition to counseling, OP and her DH should take parenting classes together to learn what that is, so that their children benefit from healthy parenting. Children need both love and limits. And while young children need nurturing, OP needs to keep in mind she is ultimately raising a new generation of adults who need to be independent and can stand on their own two feet. They won't get there if she does everything for them.

Almost every single person who's posted has said the same thing about her husband, yet she chooses not to ever address it.

She holds her FIL to a much higher standard & her BIL/SIL she blames because they receive money & her DH didn't, yet they've never done anything DIRECTLY to her... It's so weird.

My husband would never allow me to pay off his student loans & I know it would eat at him every day if he had to resort to it... and that's the only way he would accept it, as a last resort.

Her husband seems like he's just fine to allow the OP to be mad at his father, because as long as she's mad at him, she won't set her sights on him.

One day she's going to wake up & realize that she's been sleeping with the real enemy this entire time & then what?
Start a whole new 20 year grudge against him?

[Anonymous]

I'm glad you aren't my SIL, ick. You decided you were old enough to get married, that means you are certainly adult enough to pay your own damn bills. I can't imagine expecting my parents to pay my student loans or those of my spouse! Should they buy you a house, too?

I would love actual, real reasons as to why you are upset. Anniversary cards? I've been married over twenty years and no one other than one person in the family has very said anything. Why would they?

[Anonymous]

Partial HIPPO. I'm guessing that OP has had some rough times financially. She says she has a nice life, but isn't so well-off that she can spend however she likes, i.e., her comment that she can't vacation because money has to go to college fund. Plus, she's the primary breadwinner in a country where the husbands typically are, perhaps the sentiment is even stronger from her home country. I think deep down, she feels that "life's not fair," and in that mindset, it's easy to be resentful of the siblings who got to pocket an extra $50K in free tuition. That $50K she worked her a** off to repay (and not even for herself, but her DH, in a gender role reversal) would go a long way, I'm sure, to paying down the mortgage, padding the college fund or what not. I don't excuse her anger, which has lasted way too long and as to the siblings, misplaced, but I do find it understandable. I have two brothers, we are close in age and graduated from school and started working around the same time, yet I was much more successful in school and got a much higher-paying job. They both have received help as adults from my parents well into the six figures while I haven't gotten a dime. Repayment of student loans, help towards a down payment, "allowance" even. There was a brief period when I lost my job in the financial crisis and was struggling financially and I did resent my brothers and my parents for the help I never received as at the time, I felt acutely how much it would have helped. Having said that, the resentment left once I was back on my feet again and financially comfortable. Again, not saying that the resentment is "right," but it's not an uncommon feeling.

[Anonymous]

I would just tell the truth about how I felt to everyone, especially my own children. I would encourage them to get together with that family. I would not go. There's otherwise not much you can do with your husband doesn't agree with you and isn't willing to back it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Partial HIPPO. I'm guessing that OP has had some rough times financially. She says she has a nice life, but isn't so well-off that she can spend however she likes, i.e., her comment that she can't vacation because money has to go to college fund. Plus, she's the primary breadwinner in a country where the husbands typically are, perhaps the sentiment is even stronger from her home country. I think deep down, she feels that "life's not fair," and in that mindset, it's easy to be resentful of the siblings who got to pocket an extra $50K in free tuition. That $50K she worked her a** off to repay (and not even for herself, but her DH, in a gender role reversal) would go a long way, I'm sure, to paying down the mortgage, padding the college fund or what not. I don't excuse her anger, which has lasted way too long and as to the siblings, misplaced, but I do find it understandable. I have two brothers, we are close in age and graduated from school and started working around the same time, yet I was much more successful in school and got a much higher-paying job. They both have received help as adults from my parents well into the six figures while I haven't gotten a dime. Repayment of student loans, help towards a down payment, "allowance" even. There was a brief period when I lost my job in the financial crisis and was struggling financially and I did resent my brothers and my parents for the help I never received as at the time, I felt acutely how much it would have helped. Having said that, the resentment left once I was back on my feet again and financially comfortable. Again, not saying that the resentment is "right," but it's not an uncommon feeling.

She is an only child from parents who spoiled & coddled her, of course she's going to think that life's not fair.
If there's anyone to blame it's herself, for marrying down.
She clearly needs/wants an Alpha, but her husband couldn't be more of a Beta if he tried/

[Anonymous]

OP, I know you don't want to hear this, but forgiveness will set you free.

Nobody says you have to forget (I don't think there's a chance that's going to happen) however, forgiving them will release you from these all consuming bonds. You're not forgiving them for THEIR sake, you're forgiving them for YOUR sake... and health... and happiness.

You've wasted so much time focusing your energy on this, it's time to let go.

You've spent 20 years allowing this to consume you... how much time do you think they've spent allowing it to consume them?

If your answer is no time at all, then YOU see the only one being affected by this & you've become your own jailer, not them... YOU.

"Holding onto anger (or a grudge) is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die" - Buddha

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I can understand feeling like your IL's are selfish but you didn't pay off student loans for them you did it for yourself and your husband. Your parents helped not for the IL's but for you. It's time to move on. I think making his family an issue only hurts your relationship with your husband. He knows what happened and he knows how you feel but don't make it choice about you vs them, let him decide if he wants to go and support him. How do you think he feels about his family pretty much telling him he was on his own, it's got to hurt a bit. Be mindful of his feelings.