Reply to What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, a few things about teenagers:

They are independently mobile.  They will come and go as they please.  If their father's house really is THEIR HOME TOO, they will not and should not need permission to come over or be expected to call first.  Would you expect that of your own child?  So you will have teenagers coming and going (with their friends) at will and have no control over it.  Noise, mess, and eating everything that's not nailed down.

They might want to live with their dad full-time.  If he doesn't allow this, there will be hell to pay or he may lose the relationship entirely.

They are incredibly expensive.  What is the college savings situation?  Does your boyfriend fully understand his financial obligations?

Teenage boys (and tweens) smell terrible.  I mean it.  Even if they shower a lot.  I don't know why, but that's how it is, and it's unbearable.[/quote]

Their father's house is also his wife's house and anyone NOT living in the home needs to call first. They may be entertaining or having friends or family from out of town.  Seriously no control....ha...nope not going to happen if they don't live there and yes they need to call first if they are coming for dinner or staying overnight. If they want to change the living arrangements that would be up to DH and DW.   As for college, there are loans and scholarships too.[/quote]

I do really have to laugh at how some posters elevate the kids of divorce and the ex wives to demigods. "They and their friends can come in and through your house WHENEVER and you can do NOTHING about it." "You have to do what the ex wife says, so you better be nice, especially because she could keep her kids from your wedding." Come now. The stepparents must do what they can to foster a healthy relationship with the kids, but second wives are not second class citizens in their own homes, nor are they subservient to ex-wives. The kids need to ask can friends come over same as they would if their mom and dad were still married and living in one home. Some of these posts are just nuts. Maybe I should call my husband's ex wife and ask am I allowed to go on family vacation this year or would her highness prefer it just to be DSS and his dad so I should just stay home? I'll defer to her whims, of course.[/quote]

Let me put it this way: OP is not going to expect her own offspring to call and ask permission every time he enters the house.  So she shouldn't impose that requirement on her DH's children either.  ALL of his children should be welcome in his home equally.  That's what 50/50 means.[/quote]

Let me put it this way: OP's offspring will all live in the house, full time. Her stepkids are expected to be somewhere else. I am the ex-wife. If my teenage daughter was running over to my ex's house during times when she was supposed to be with me, or was supposed to be somewhere else, I would be upset if my ex and/or his wife did not tell me about that. If we need to shift custody schedule around in a way that works better for DD, that would be fine with me and I would happily discuss it as a big blended family. But realistically, if it is a time when she is supposed to be with them, I don't expect her to just be randomly showing up with friends at my house, even though she lives there 50% of the time. I would be fine with her coming, but I would appreciate if she would call first.[/quote]

I don't think it's really a home at all if the kids can't go there without advance permission.  The parents each have a home of their own, and the kids have none.[/quote]

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