Reply to What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, a few things about teenagers:

They are independently mobile.  They will come and go as they please.  If their father's house really is THEIR HOME TOO, they will not and should not need permission to come over or be expected to call first.  Would you expect that of your own child?  So you will have teenagers coming and going (with their friends) at will and have no control over it.  Noise, mess, and eating everything that's not nailed down.

They might want to live with their dad full-time.  If he doesn't allow this, there will be hell to pay or he may lose the relationship entirely.

They are incredibly expensive.  What is the college savings situation?  Does your boyfriend fully understand his financial obligations?

Teenage boys (and tweens) smell terrible.  I mean it.  Even if they shower a lot.  I don't know why, but that's how it is, and it's unbearable.[/quote]

Their father's house is also his wife's house and anyone NOT living in the home needs to call first. They may be entertaining or having friends or family from out of town.  Seriously no control....ha...nope not going to happen if they don't live there and yes they need to call first if they are coming for dinner or staying overnight. If they want to change the living arrangements that would be up to DH and DW.   As for college, there are loans and scholarships too.[/quote]

If it's 50/50, they ARE living in the home.  Just as much as they're living in their mother's home.  Or maybe OP's boyfriend is one of those divorced dads who likes to pretend it's 50/50 but really it isn't.

Good luck forcing angry teenagers onto a custody arrangement that they hate.  They will make everyone miserable and enjoy it.[/quote]

With 50/50 there's still one primary home. The teens don't get to decide the visitation, this allow everyone to be able to plan.  I have a lot of family visiting from out of state so dh's kids wouldn't be able to come at those times because we wouldn't have room. [b]We have our own lives and my family wants to visit with our kids, not his frankly. This works best for everyone.[/b][/quote]

Thanks for just undoing all the solid work that good stepmoms have been putting into this thread. Way to go, ya fucked us. [/quote]

It means that life goes on when the step kids aren't there, the ex and step kids don't get to control everything.  :roll: [/quote]

You flat out said they don't need to come when your family does because there's no room and your family doesn't want to see them. But nice spin. I would be ticked if my parents told me they didn't want to see my step. And if I told my husband that he shouldn't come because my family only wanted to see OUR kids... [/quote]

I grew up with my step parents (both mom and dad remarried and had additional preferred children). And they BOTH had this view. You know what that felt like as a kid? [b]You didn't have any home. And you can't rely on anyone but yourself. [/b]It's a harsh lesson to give a kid and as a mother one I would never, ever willingly just do.

On the back end, I don't have much of a relationship with my parents (one of whom went on to remarry again). They have health issues and there is this whole[b] please drop everything and come help us now.[/b] I won't since I have my own family to tend to, but truthfully, I probably would be more engaged with them or would do more if they had bothered caring more about me as a child (instead of their endless quests to either get laid (dad) or find love and live a "respectable" life (mom). I existed much to their chagrin in a way. It interfered with either of them really being able to move on and pretend their marriage ever happened.[/quote]

+1.  You can't rely on anyone but yourself, is exactly what my parents' "amicable" divorce taught me.

My parents are all, poor me, I'm single, my kids have to help me with every little thing.  Well, it was partly their choice to be single and I won't be forced into a surrogate spouse' role.  It's really inappropriate and I just can't do it.  I have my own children and marriage to deal with.[/quote]

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