S/O Elder care for parents who didn't provide child care

[Anonymous]

ILs can go live in low-income housing when they can no longer work. It's not your fault they aren't responsible and didn't save for retirement. I don't think you owe them to be under your roof. It might be nice if you/DH helped them out a little financially if they're living in their own house/apartment, but you're not entirely responsible for them and having them live with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can tell that this thread is full of panicked, SAHM of only sons, who are desperate to believe that they will get to rule the roost for the rest of their lives. Dream on, dears, especially in a world when your sons won't be the breadwinners.

This!

+2 The days of the MIL who rules with an iron fist because her son calls the shots in his family are fast coming to an end. Men increasingly do not have the financial upper hand and DILs don't have to put up with the bullshit any more.

[Anonymous]

HOnestly I think the OP just chose a bad title for this thread. It doesnt sound like she want the MIL to provide full time childcare, but damn, is it too much to ask that you provide an emergency day here or there. Clearly, the MIL has never even asked to spend anytime with the child, that right there is telling.

[Anonymous]

I would only allow someone to live with me if they paid me rent. The elderly still get SS and it isn't the small of a check. The average is $15,936 a year, but can go up to 2x that. Where would that money be going if parents lived with you free and ate for free?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can tell that this thread is full of panicked, SAHM of only sons, who are desperate to believe that they will get to rule the roost for the rest of their lives. Dream on, dears, especially in a world when your sons won't be the breadwinners.

This!

+2 The days of the MIL who rules with an iron fist because her son calls the shots in his family are fast coming to an end. Men increasingly do not have the financial upper hand and DILs don't have to put up with the bullshit any more.

You are a sad, pathetic human being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can tell that this thread is full of panicked, SAHM of only sons, who are desperate to believe that they will get to rule the roost for the rest of their lives. Dream on, dears, especially in a world when your sons won't be the breadwinners.

This!

+2 The days of the MIL who rules with an iron fist because her son calls the shots in his family are fast coming to an end. Men increasingly do not have the financial upper hand and DILs don't have to put up with the bullshit any more.

You are a sad, pathetic human being.

Oh, I am actually quite happy to see the days of bitches like you coming to an end. You stay mad, okay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^I am skyways amazed at the tunnel vision of women on this board. Op's mil is of another generation where women do not pursue caterers in the way women do today. Op is holding her mil accountable for choices consistent with her time. Compassion and understanding seem yo be jacking in today's women. Pretty sad.

There is a difference between a woman "of that generation" who believed it was her job to be the caretaker of the family - and did so by really doing all she could for her kids, scrimping and saving and sometimes going without, so that her children and family could benefit - and those like OP's MIL who felt entitled to not work, nor do anything to help her son with college or even help him now in a non-monetary way like doing a little childcare to give him and OP a date night once in a while.

Moving in with OP's family needs to be off the table completely. Before OP and her dh give them a cent, MIL and FIL need to come clean with their financial situation. OP and dh can help them make arrangements to sell their home, find a small condo and then see what's left after social security. Enough to get by? Good, they're done.

[Anonymous]

What a beautiful country we live in, with everyone keeping score like so. Carry on!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^I am skyways amazed at the tunnel vision of women on this board. Op's mil is of another generation where women do not pursue caterers in the way women do today. Op is holding her mil accountable for choices consistent with her time. Compassion and understanding seem yo be jacking in today's women. Pretty sad.

There is a difference between a woman "of that generation" who believed it was her job to be the caretaker of the family - and did so by really doing all she could for her kids, scrimping and saving and sometimes going without, so that her children and family could benefit - and those like OP's MIL who felt entitled to not work, nor do anything to help her son with college or even help him now in a non-monetary way like doing a little childcare to give him and OP a date night once in a while.

Moving in with OP's family needs to be off the table completely. Before OP and her dh give them a cent, MIL and FIL need to come clean with their financial situation. OP and dh can help them make arrangements to sell their home, find a small condo and then see what's left after social security. Enough to get by? Good, they're done.

These in-laws are not old! Hell, I'm 50 with two kids still at home. Why on earth does a 59 year old person need so much assistance? Let them sell their own house and figure out what they can afford on their own income. I'm just baffled as to why this is all landing smack in Op's lap? WTH? Maybe Op assumed that they were living the way they were living because they were planning a *massive* downsizing of their lifestyle in older age. How the hell was Op supposed to know that they were planning all along to move into HER house so that she could support them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would only allow someone to live with me if they paid me rent. The elderly still get SS and it isn't the small of a check. The average is $15,936 a year, but can go up to 2x that. Where would that money be going if parents lived with you free and ate for free?

Will that money cover marriage counseling that is doomed and the resulting divorce for OP? The ILs won't be living with OP very long.

[Anonymous]

FFS, why is everyone getting so worked up? OP really muddled the waters by making this a childcare issue. The MIL is passive aggressive for dropping hints about living together, but OP is just as bad for snarking back that they're spending so much on childcare. The MIL doesn't want to do childcare, and that is her right.

The real issue is that OP doesn't like the fact that her ILs haven't done any retirement planning, which is a legit concern. OP's husband needs to try again to get them to talk about it -- do they have any IRA's? Do they have health insurance that will carry through? Do they have life insurance? Long-term care insurance? Do they want to stay in their house, or move to assisted living? AARP has some good resources, both for people over 50 and for those who are trying to help them.

If they still rebuff all of the husband's efforts to get them to address the issue, then that is on them. In the course of these (hopefully respectful) conversations, he can repeat firmly that he and OP will absolutely not be able to have them come and live with them. Put it in a letter if it's easier. Make sure the other brothers are aware that you are having these conversations.

It's not easy to talk about these issues, even for families who have resources and a good plan. But for the love of all things, try to separate the issue of whether or not they've helped enough with childcare and how the MIL spends her time. That just sounds so petty, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FFS, why is everyone getting so worked up? OP really muddled the waters by making this a childcare issue. The MIL is passive aggressive for dropping hints about living together, but OP is just as bad for snarking back that they're spending so much on childcare. The MIL doesn't want to do childcare, and that is her right.

The real issue is that OP doesn't like the fact that her ILs haven't done any retirement planning, which is a legit concern. OP's husband needs to try again to get them to talk about it -- do they have any IRA's? Do they have health insurance that will carry through? Do they have life insurance? Long-term care insurance? Do they want to stay in their house, or move to assisted living? AARP has some good resources, both for people over 50 and for those who are trying to help them.

If they still rebuff all of the husband's efforts to get them to address the issue, then that is on them. In the course of these (hopefully respectful) conversations, he can repeat firmly that he and OP will absolutely not be able to have them come and live with them. Put it in a letter if it's easier. Make sure the other brothers are aware that you are having these conversations.

It's not easy to talk about these issues, even for families who have resources and a good plan. But for the love of all things, try to separate the issue of whether or not they've helped enough with childcare and how the MIL spends her time. That just sounds so petty, IMO.

If they haven't done any retirement planning why would they have IRAs, Longterm Care Ins, etc? Hell what are IRAs for?

These folks are not old. They need to figure out what the heck they are going to do about their situation. Reverse mortgage maybe?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They do not have to move in with you. Have your DH do the homework now and find a place like this for them in their retirement years. There are tons of programs for poor elderly. Sign them up for everything.

http://www.culpeppergarden.org

Worth repeating

[Anonymous]

That is what DH's mother is after

Conjecture

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^I am skyways amazed at the tunnel vision of women on this board. Op's mil is of another generation where women do not pursue caterers in the way women do today. Op is holding her mil accountable for choices consistent with her time. Compassion and understanding seem yo be jacking in today's women. Pretty sad.

There is a difference between a woman [b]"of that generation" [/n]who believed it was her job to be the caretaker of the family - and did so by really doing all she could for her kids, scrimping and saving and sometimes going without, so that her children and family could benefit - and those like OP's MIL who felt entitled to not work, nor do anything to help her son with college or even help him now in a non-monetary way like doing a little childcare to give him and OP a date night once in a while.

Moving in with OP's family needs to be off the table completely. Before OP and her dh give them a cent, MIL and FIL need to come clean with their financial situation. OP and dh can help them make arrangements to sell their home, find a small condo and then see what's left after social security. Enough to get by? Good, they're done.

People. People people people. OP's MIL is 59 years old. I am of the same generation. We worked and we work still. Some (many) of us are the main breadwinners for our families.

OP's MIL is not 90 years old!