S/O Elder care for parents who didn't provide child care

[Anonymous]

"Paying for child care is eating through the money we'd have helped you with."

Are you wrong? NO. Was this statement ok to make? Yes, barely, but Yes.
But I'd let go of all the bitterness and awfulness that seems to be you, Op.
You haven't had to do ANYTHING for them. Yet. Getting SO mad about something that hasn't happen (and you can always say "no" too) is odd, not healthy and a makes you seem unbalanced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

"Paying for child care is eating through the money we'd have helped you with."

Are you wrong? NO. Was this statement ok to make? Yes, barely, but Yes.
But I'd let go of all the bitterness and awfulness that seems to be you, Op.
You haven't had to do ANYTHING for them. Yet. Getting SO mad about something that hasn't happen (and you can always say "no" too) is odd, not healthy and a makes you seem unbalanced.

I think it's kind of telling about you that you read bitterness, awfulness, anger and all sorts of histrionics into that statement. What's going on in your own life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Consensus in the thread asking why grandparents no longer provide child care seems to be that grandparents don't owe their kids and grandkids squat. Okay, I can agree with that. But is the reverse true?

DH's parents live close enough to help with our daughter and his mother is a lifelong SAHM. She is only 59, but prefers to keep her schedule open to watch TV all day, travel a few times a year, and make gossipy phone calls. So, we pay for child care and it is really eating into our finances. I am fine with this. Our kid, our problem.

Here's the rub: DH's parents have zero in retirement savings. Social security and DH's Dad working until he dies is what they are banking on. I make a good amount of money (more than DH) and kill myself to earn it. DH's mother has started dropping hints lately about how nice it would be for us all to move in together one day. They don't have jack shit to contribute, so I know DH and I would be basically carrying them financially, with the bulk coming from me. That is what DH's mother is after.

Recently, she made a joke about living with us and I responded with a grin: "Paying for child care is eating through the money we'd have helped you with." She dropped the topic quickly. I don't think I owe her and FIL squat. She has spent her life as she pleases, staying home instead of building financial security by working, not giving a red cent to DH for college because thinks kids are responsible for their own education, and refusing to help with her grandkid because she would rather catch up on talk shows. Am I wrong? I think DH will go along with what I decide.

IMO, her job was done when she finished raising her OWN child. There is no obligation for any grandparent to babysit their grandkids, pay for their education etc. Those things are up to parents, not grandparents.

Yes, I do think if you are able to you help her out if she needs it.

But the IL family didn't help pay for education even though it sounds like they could have helped a bit. If MIL doesn't even get a job or try to help herself out financially, why should her son and his family be the ones to pay?

How is this even a question? They could help because family is important, because we don't necessarily need to punish others for making mistakes, because none of us is perfect and because people are kind and compassionate. I give time and resources to people who have made bad decisions all the time through my volunteer work. I don't consider it an imposition; it's a blessing to have enough to share. I can't imagine living in a family where we are weighing credits and debits on who did more to help the other one out. My husband's parents are my parents, too, for better or for worse. That's how family works for us.

PP here again, and I was raised by a single mom who didn't have two sticks to rub together but always made room at the table for people who had even less. It bugged the heck out of me sometimes growing up, but now I realize the valuable lesson she taught my brothers and I about an open hand holding more. So, yes, your kids are watching to see how you treat others and learning accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Yup, MIL and FIL had kids relatively young and close in age, so the last kid went to college 14 years ago. Once he was in college, they didn't do shit for him so they definitely couldn't invoke him as the reason MIL didn't work. Honestly, she could have gone back to work waaay before that, but enjoyed taking it easy. As she likes to say, "you get only one life" (I guess the part she doesn't say is "so live it at the expense of others").

Just as I figured. Nope dont beat yourself up. I stopped working full time 9 years ago, but you best believe I work contract jobs, seasonal, etc to bring home extra money. I am degreed, yet I have worked bullshit jobs for extra money. The best gift you can give to your kids is to plan for your retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

IMO, her job was done when she finished raising her OWN child. There is no obligation for any grandparent to babysit their grandkids, pay for their education etc. Those things are up to parents, not grandparents.

Yes, I do think if you are able to you help her out if she needs it.

I like this. No responsibility, but people should line your pockets. You must be another lazy MIL.

Actually neither of my kids is married yet. However if either mine or my dh's family needs help we will do what we can. They fulfilled their responsibility. Raising our kids is our responsibility, not our parents'.

[Anonymous]

It's that point in the thread when all the martyrs and saints who hang out in the family section chime in with all that they have done for the world. We are SO glad you guys are so morally superior. How can we reward your excellence (so that you stop telling us about it)?

(Oh and I don't believe any of you.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's that point in the thread when all the martyrs and saints who hang out in the family section chime in with all that they have done for the world. We are SO glad you guys are so morally superior. How can we reward your excellence (so that you stop telling us about it)?

(Oh and I don't believe any of you.)

But we're supposed to believe your stories about how awful your in-laws are and how awesome you are, working sooooo hard to provide daycare for your very own child like you deserve a medal. I agree with whoever said that your husband married someone exactly like his own mother, self-centered and clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's that point in the thread when all the martyrs and saints who hang out in the family section chime in with all that they have done for the world. We are SO glad you guys are so morally superior. How can we reward your excellence (so that you stop telling us about it)?

(Oh and I don't believe any of you.)

But we're supposed to believe your stories about how awful your in-laws are and how awesome you are, working sooooo hard to provide daycare for your very own child like you deserve a medal. I agree with whoever said that your husband married someone exactly like his own mother, self-centered and clueless.

Now there we go! That's your real personality. We're supposed to believe that someone who is taking shots at the threadstarter is so giving and wonderful in real life. Sorry, you just told on yourself.

[Anonymous]

You can tell that this thread is full of panicked, SAHM of only sons, who are desperate to believe that they will get to rule the roost for the rest of their lives. Dream on, dears, especially in a world when your sons won't be the breadwinners.

[Anonymous]

I think this topic is so timely. I was raised by someone who was a 'career woman', in truth an abusive alcoholic who was better out of the house than in it- divorced my father and left my care to others. Random people, babysitters, housecleaners, eventually we moved in with my grandmother, who was my rock. She was supposedly a high earner, but failed to negotiate changing times and lost her job when her industry tanked. From then on, we had the worst combination: alone with an angry abusive woman and living in poverty. She eventually started making some money again, but after years of low pay, went on a spending spree. Now, years later, she is again destitute, and has a host of horrible mental health problems from her decades of drug and alcohol use. I want her nowhere near my children. I think of what I "owe" her a lot. My best answer is that the best way I can raise my children, with the most loving, intact family, is the answer. I can't solve the problems she created for herself, but I can try to create a sustainable life for my children and break the cycle of dysfunction. I do think about the example I am setting to my children but I really don't know what else to do.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP from many pages ago who posted about my own parents taking care of my grandmother, etc... and about her essentially using them.

A side note: not only did my Dad pay to take care of his MIL , and let her live in his house for 20 years, but then said MIL and the rest of her family made fun of him and treated him with disrespect.

So, I learned that sometime you do the "right" thing, and everyone hates you for it. It can distance you from your kids because they hate seeing you mistreated and don't want to be involved in the situation--and realize that their Mom has picked her mother OVER her husband AND her children.

So, I think most posters are being wayyyy too hard on OP. It is a hard to see the other side if you have a good, loving family instead a messed up family. I'll never forget the day, in my 20s, when the FIRST therapist I saw said "you know your family is not normal, right?" I honestly had no idea.

Only the OP knows if her in-laws are out to use her for money and then trash her to the rest of their family and friends.

I act somewhat like my Dad and care about people, but have been used and treated like crap by my Mom's family for so long my give-a-damn is now broken. When my Mom dies, I want nothing more to do with any of them.

That's the outcome of my maternal grandmother coming to live with us and being 'taken care of" by my parents for 20 years.

If you have a loving, appreciative family OP, then take these other folks advice and go for it! (Doesn't sound like it from your original post though...)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's that point in the thread when all the martyrs and saints who hang out in the family section chime in with all that they have done for the world. We are SO glad you guys are so morally superior. How can we reward your excellence (so that you stop telling us about it)?

(Oh and I don't believe any of you.)

But we're supposed to believe your stories about how awful your in-laws are and how awesome you are, working sooooo hard to provide daycare for your very own child like you deserve a medal. I agree with whoever said that your husband married someone exactly like his own mother, self-centered and clueless.

Now there we go! That's your real personality. We're supposed to believe that someone who is taking shots at the threadstarter is so giving and wonderful in real life. Sorry, you just told on yourself.

Lol so you admit it!! She (MIL) is self-centered and clueless. Very good.

[Anonymous]

AND, my grandmother never worked outside the home a SINGLE day in her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can tell that this thread is full of panicked, SAHM of only sons, who are desperate to believe that they will get to rule the roost for the rest of their lives. Dream on, dears, especially in a world when your sons won't be the breadwinners.

This!

[Anonymous]

Nobody said OP needs to take her in-laws in or subsidize a profligate lifestyle. She has received tons of advice on a more balanced approach. Many of us have given varying degrees of help to relatives, even those who've made bad choices. Everyone needs to do what they're comfortable with and able to do, and that's fine.

I don't understand, however, the expectation that grandparents must care for grandchildren. That seems so weird to me. My parents raised their kids already, and we enjoy having them around as much as possible but would never want a "business" type relationship where they had to show up and work a shift. And for a family that doesn't seem to see eye to eye on basic values, that seems like a recipe for disaster. Much better to have paid childcare where bad family dynamics aren't coming into play.