S/O Elder care for parents who didn't provide child care

[Anonymous]

Frankly, OP has done more than her fair share. She works her ass off, earns more, paid off her DH's student loans, she is not responsible for her in-laws retirement. Her DH is in lesser paying job than her, which also means less stress, in laws are on the easy street with MIL sitting on sofa watching soaps. This poor woman is supposed to help all these people out??? Wow, talk about easy life!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^I am skyways amazed at the tunnel vision of women on this board. Op's mil is of another generation where women do not pursue caterers in the way women do today. Op is holding her mil accountable for choices consistent with her time. Compassion and understanding seem yo be jacking in today's women. Pretty sad.

There is a difference between a woman [b]"of that generation" [/n]who believed it was her job to be the caretaker of the family - and did so by really doing all she could for her kids, scrimping and saving and sometimes going without, so that her children and family could benefit - and those like OP's MIL who felt entitled to not work, nor do anything to help her son with college or even help him now in a non-monetary way like doing a little childcare to give him and OP a date night once in a while.

Moving in with OP's family needs to be off the table completely. Before OP and her dh give them a cent, MIL and FIL need to come clean with their financial situation. OP and dh can help them make arrangements to sell their home, find a small condo and then see what's left after social security. Enough to get by? Good, they're done.

People. People people people. OP's MIL is 59 years old. I am of the same generation. We worked and we work still. Some (many) of us are the main breadwinners for our families.

OP's MIL is not 90 years old!

Exactly. MIL may not be able to earn much but between her husband and herself they should be able to put away something for themselves. They are not old!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would only allow someone to live with me if they paid me rent. The elderly still get SS and it isn't the small of a check. The average is $15,936 a year, but can go up to 2x that. Where would that money be going if parents lived with you free and ate for free?

Does a 59 year old collect SS?

[Anonymous]

They did provide child care- for their child. That's all they have to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would only allow someone to live with me if they paid me rent. The elderly still get SS and it isn't the small of a check. The average is $15,936 a year, but can go up to 2x that. Where would that money be going if parents lived with you free and ate for free?

Does a 59 year old collect SS?

Of course not.

[Anonymous]

Op, hasn't had to do ANYTHING for them. This hasn't happened. She's so mad about something that HASN'T happened.
And if it where to happen, she can always say 'NO'
All that's actually going on NOW in real time is Op is being bitter and nasty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like there's more to this backstory than OP has posted. My guess-- you work a high-stress job and it would have been nice for MIL to helped out with child care (if not serve as primary provider). She instead chose to keep her schedule free to watch soaps or whatever. But now she wants you to take of them?
Forget it.

This. I'm appalled at my own healthy wealthy parents complete lack of interest in my kids. My husband and I kill ourselves and they never give us so much as a date night. They come over expecting to be waited on. My grandparents helped my parents considerably in a number of ways (time & $). Boomers = selfish spoiled babies

[Anonymous]

OP, if you don't like your MIL, why would you want her to provide child care? I can't stand my MIL and would any money to have her out of my business.

[Anonymous]

I don't see why it matters that she hasn't provided child care.

As another PP pointed out nothing has happened yet. Now is the time for OP and her husband to sit down and figure out what response they will have IF they are asked to help. Seriously asked not a joking "maybe I'll move in with you.."

[Anonymous]

Well, I would think elder care is payback for parents raising you or your spouse, not your kids. I mean, your MIL raised your DH, right? If you owe it to her to take care of her, it is for that. And stop keeping score.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^I am skyways amazed at the tunnel vision of women on this board. Op's mil is of another generation where women do not pursue caterers in the way women do today. Op is holding her mil accountable for choices consistent with her time. Compassion and understanding seem yo be jacking in today's women. Pretty sad.

Nope. MIL is 59, not 89. Women worked in the '70s, '80s and '90s. My mom is older than MIL and she stayed at home with me until I went to school then started teaching. I am picking up what OP is putting down but I think she and her DH should sit the ILs down and discuss with them what the parameters are so that everyone is clear now and the parents can figure out what their end of life game is posthaste.

[Anonymous]

I'm 55, and this is ridiculous! 59-year-old woman should be out working, not hinting that she wants to mooch off her son.

It would irk me too if both sets of grandparents didn't at least want to spend some time with our kid. Luckily the two surviving ones did. My dad care for our son daily from the time he was 6 weeks to 3 years old, and my DH's mom still hangs out with our son now that he's a teen when we go out.

And while it's not tit-for-tat, we also helped and are still helping our parents in their retirement -- my dad with cash, and my MIL with care.

That's how families are supposed to work.

[Anonymous]

Did OP answer yet why such a high earner who paid off her husbands school debt is struggling to pay for daycare for 1 child? They are double income, with one professed to be doing quite well, and good with money.
I must have missed something

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like there's more to this backstory than OP has posted. My guess-- you work a high-stress job and it would have been nice for MIL to helped out with child care (if not serve as primary provider). She instead chose to keep her schedule free to watch soaps or whatever. But now she wants you to take of them?
Forget it.

This. I'm appalled at my own healthy wealthy parents complete lack of interest in my kids. My husband and I kill ourselves and they never give us so much as a date night. They come over expecting to be waited on. My grandparents helped my parents considerably in a number of ways (time & $). Boomers = selfish spoiled babies

+10000

Plus, my MIL is a selfish, petulant child, so there is that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:HOnestly I think the OP just chose a bad title for this thread. It doesnt sound like she want the MIL to provide full time childcare, but damn, is it too much to ask that you provide an emergency day here or there. Clearly, the MIL has never even asked to spend anytime with the child, that right there is telling.

+1