Was I wrong to skip MIL birthday dinner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yesterday was my MIL’s birthday. Until late the night before, there were no plans involving us.
My husband was scheduled to work in the office and has about an hour commute. I had the day off. Our kids had an appointments at 5pm that I scheduled months ago (I didn’t realize at the time it was a no-school day and earlier appointments were possible).

Late the night before, MIL called DH to say she’d made a 6pm dinner reservation for herself and FIL and invited DH, me, and our two kids to join. DH explained his work schedule and the dentist conflict and told her we’d have to play it by ear....

MIL is now extremely upset that she didn’t get to see her grandchildren on her birthday, and that it ruined her dinner. FIL is also upset in general and says MIL couldn’t even enjoy her birthday because of this. Was I out of line for not going without my husband?

2 school age children, 5 pm appt, and MIL decided the night before to make a 6 pm dinner reservation? Birthday or no birthday most don't take their kids out to eat in a reservation required restaurant at 6 pm on a school night. And the DH work schedule with the 1 hour commute.

Selfish MIL should have showed up at your house with nice take out and a cake. How old are the children and do you commonly eat out at that sort of restaurant on a school night?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yesterday was my MIL’s birthday. Until late the night before, there were no plans involving us.
My husband was scheduled to work in the office and has about an hour commute. I had the day off. Our kids had an appointments at 5pm that I scheduled months ago (I didn’t realize at the time it was a no-school day and earlier appointments were possible).

Late the night before, MIL called DH to say she’d made a 6pm dinner reservation for herself and FIL and invited DH, me, and our two kids to join. DH explained his work schedule and the dentist conflict and told her we’d have to play it by ear....

MIL is now extremely upset that she didn’t get to see her grandchildren on her birthday, and that it ruined her dinner. FIL is also upset in general and says MIL couldn’t even enjoy her birthday because of this. Was I out of line for not going without my husband?

2 school age children, 5 pm appt, and MIL decided the night before to make a 6 pm dinner reservation? Birthday or no birthday most don't take their kids out to eat in a reservation required restaurant at 6 pm on a school night. And the DH work schedule with the 1 hour commute.

Selfish MIL should have showed up at your house with nice take out and a cake. How old are the children and do you commonly eat out at that sort of restaurant on a school night?

Your kids had Saturday school on Jan 3?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The first mistake was that either FIL or DH should have discussed the upcoming birthday while you were together at Christmas. You should have made plans for a group gathering and then everyone has a 1-2 week notice. This would be the time to have input on selecting a less fancy restaurant if MIL really wanted the kids to join.

The 2nd mistake was being non-committal on whether your family would make it. If DH might have to work and you know you have dentist appointments, then on Thursday night when FIL invited you, DH should have said Friday doesn't work for us, how about we meet on Sunday for lunch?

But since DH said you would play it by ear, the 3rd mistake was once DH got tied up and you didn't feel like going without him, DH should have called them to say he has to work late, how about we meet on Sunday for lunch?

You a demonstrating to your children how to treat grandparents. It's clear you, and maybe even your DH, don't really care enough to want to make Grandma feel special on her birthday. Or else you would have already made plans and not waited until FIL called the night before. It doesn't have to be dinner at a fancy restaurant. The kids were off school all week. Why didn't you plan to have them bake a cake and take the cake, flowers and a card to her house on Thursday or Friday?

That would have shown your kids how to make someone feel loved. And when they are married with kids, and it's your birthday, they would know how to plan something to make your day special.

I think you mean why didn't OP's husband make this plan?

There was a plan. OP didn't want to go because she can't manage her kids on her own. She declined to go to the plan made by someone else. I guess her inlaws are too intimidating and scary for a dinner.

No, there was no plan. They were informed of what MIL wanted to do, were non-committal, DH bailed entirely and threw OP under the bus in a cowardly fashion. Her husband's entire family sucks, to be honest. Sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The first mistake was that either FIL or DH should have discussed the upcoming birthday while you were together at Christmas. You should have made plans for a group gathering and then everyone has a 1-2 week notice. This would be the time to have input on selecting a less fancy restaurant if MIL really wanted the kids to join.

The 2nd mistake was being non-committal on whether your family would make it. If DH might have to work and you know you have dentist appointments, then on Thursday night when FIL invited you, DH should have said Friday doesn't work for us, how about we meet on Sunday for lunch?

But since DH said you would play it by ear, the 3rd mistake was once DH got tied up and you didn't feel like going without him, DH should have called them to say he has to work late, how about we meet on Sunday for lunch?

You a demonstrating to your children how to treat grandparents. It's clear you, and maybe even your DH, don't really care enough to want to make Grandma feel special on her birthday. Or else you would have already made plans and not waited until FIL called the night before. It doesn't have to be dinner at a fancy restaurant. The kids were off school all week. Why didn't you plan to have them bake a cake and take the cake, flowers and a card to her house on Thursday or Friday?

That would have shown your kids how to make someone feel loved. And when they are married with kids, and it's your birthday, they would know how to plan something to make your day special.

I think you mean why didn't OP's husband make this plan?

There was a plan. OP didn't want to go because she can't manage her kids on her own. She declined to go to the plan made by someone else. I guess her inlaws are too intimidating and scary for a dinner.

No, there was no plan. They were informed of what MIL wanted to do, were non-committal, DH bailed entirely and threw OP under the bus in a cowardly fashion. Her husband's entire family sucks, to be honest. Sorry, OP.

So much drama over a dinner invite. OP just didn’t want to go. The dentist really has nothing to do with anything. And OP “forgetting” it was a day off school. She won’t see her inlaws without her husband even for a birthday. That’s it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The first mistake was that either FIL or DH should have discussed the upcoming birthday while you were together at Christmas. You should have made plans for a group gathering and then everyone has a 1-2 week notice. This would be the time to have input on selecting a less fancy restaurant if MIL really wanted the kids to join.

The 2nd mistake was being non-committal on whether your family would make it. If DH might have to work and you know you have dentist appointments, then on Thursday night when FIL invited you, DH should have said Friday doesn't work for us, how about we meet on Sunday for lunch?

But since DH said you would play it by ear, the 3rd mistake was once DH got tied up and you didn't feel like going without him, DH should have called them to say he has to work late, how about we meet on Sunday for lunch?

You a demonstrating to your children how to treat grandparents. It's clear you, and maybe even your DH, don't really care enough to want to make Grandma feel special on her birthday. Or else you would have already made plans and not waited until FIL called the night before. It doesn't have to be dinner at a fancy restaurant. The kids were off school all week. Why didn't you plan to have them bake a cake and take the cake, flowers and a card to her house on Thursday or Friday?

That would have shown your kids how to make someone feel loved. And when they are married with kids, and it's your birthday, they would know how to plan something to make your day special.

I think you mean why didn't OP's husband make this plan?

There was a plan. OP didn't want to go because she can't manage her kids on her own. She declined to go to the plan made by someone else. I guess her inlaws are too intimidating and scary for a dinner.

No, there was no plan. They were informed of what MIL wanted to do, were non-committal, DH bailed entirely and threw OP under the bus in a cowardly fashion. Her husband's entire family sucks, to be honest. Sorry, OP.

So much drama over a dinner invite. OP just didn’t want to go. The dentist really has nothing to do with anything. And OP “forgetting” it was a day off school. She won’t see her inlaws without her husband even for a birthday. That’s it.

The drama has been created by MIL, not OP. Invite your guests within a reasonable time frame, like a normal person. Don't pitch a fit if they can't come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The first mistake was that either FIL or DH should have discussed the upcoming birthday while you were together at Christmas. You should have made plans for a group gathering and then everyone has a 1-2 week notice. This would be the time to have input on selecting a less fancy restaurant if MIL really wanted the kids to join.

The 2nd mistake was being non-committal on whether your family would make it. If DH might have to work and you know you have dentist appointments, then on Thursday night when FIL invited you, DH should have said Friday doesn't work for us, how about we meet on Sunday for lunch?

But since DH said you would play it by ear, the 3rd mistake was once DH got tied up and you didn't feel like going without him, DH should have called them to say he has to work late, how about we meet on Sunday for lunch?

You a demonstrating to your children how to treat grandparents. It's clear you, and maybe even your DH, don't really care enough to want to make Grandma feel special on her birthday. Or else you would have already made plans and not waited until FIL called the night before. It doesn't have to be dinner at a fancy restaurant. The kids were off school all week. Why didn't you plan to have them bake a cake and take the cake, flowers and a card to her house on Thursday or Friday?

That would have shown your kids how to make someone feel loved. And when they are married with kids, and it's your birthday, they would know how to plan something to make your day special.

I think you mean why didn't OP's husband make this plan?

There was a plan. OP didn't want to go because she can't manage her kids on her own. She declined to go to the plan made by someone else. I guess her inlaws are too intimidating and scary for a dinner.

No, there was no plan. They were informed of what MIL wanted to do, were non-committal, DH bailed entirely and threw OP under the bus in a cowardly fashion. Her husband's entire family sucks, to be honest. Sorry, OP.

So much drama over a dinner invite. OP just didn’t want to go. The dentist really has nothing to do with anything. And OP “forgetting” it was a day off school. She won’t see her inlaws without her husband even for a birthday. That’s it.

The drama has been created by MIL, not OP. Invite your guests within a reasonable time frame, like a normal person. Don't pitch a fit if they can't come.

24 hours is reasonable to a lot of people.

[Anonymous]

I would not have gone because obviously the point is for everyone to be there including mil's child. If it were my mil and I did go, she'd then want to do it again with dh there. It just needs to be planned in advance.

[Anonymous]

Both you and your DH were in the wrong OP. It was just dinner, you knew it was MILs bday, and time could have been made. DH should have made sure it was in advance, because all of you knew when her bday was and it was when school was out. I can see why she is upset.

I've learned from this with some of my relatives and no longer expect anything of them. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both you and your DH were in the wrong OP. It was just dinner, you knew it was MILs bday, and time could have been made. DH should have made sure it was in advance, because all of you knew when her bday was and it was when school was out. I can see why she is upset.

I've learned from this with some of my relatives and no longer expect anything of them. It is what it is.

Do you expect too much? I would not expect anyone to go out of their way for my birthday ever as an adult and especially not last minute. That includes my dh and my kids. We only do something on my bday if it's during a weekend. My parents are the same. We always lumped bdays and celebrated whenever convenient for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is this dentist with late hours on a Friday? Do share, OP.

Saturdays, too!

https://www.dcpearlsdental.com/

Your kids were getting dental implants?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The first mistake was that either FIL or DH should have discussed the upcoming birthday while you were together at Christmas. You should have made plans for a group gathering and then everyone has a 1-2 week notice. This would be the time to have input on selecting a less fancy restaurant if MIL really wanted the kids to join.

The 2nd mistake was being non-committal on whether your family would make it. If DH might have to work and you know you have dentist appointments, then on Thursday night when FIL invited you, DH should have said Friday doesn't work for us, how about we meet on Sunday for lunch?

But since DH said you would play it by ear, the 3rd mistake was once DH got tied up and you didn't feel like going without him, DH should have called them to say he has to work late, how about we meet on Sunday for lunch?

You a demonstrating to your children how to treat grandparents. It's clear you, and maybe even your DH, don't really care enough to want to make Grandma feel special on her birthday. Or else you would have already made plans and not waited until FIL called the night before. It doesn't have to be dinner at a fancy restaurant. The kids were off school all week. Why didn't you plan to have them bake a cake and take the cake, flowers and a card to her house on Thursday or Friday?

That would have shown your kids how to make someone feel loved. And when they are married with kids, and it's your birthday, they would know how to plan something to make your day special.

I think you mean why didn't OP's husband make this plan?

There was a plan. OP didn't want to go because she can't manage her kids on her own. She declined to go to the plan made by someone else. I guess her inlaws are too intimidating and scary for a dinner.

No, there was no plan. They were informed of what MIL wanted to do, were non-committal, DH bailed entirely and threw OP under the bus in a cowardly fashion. Her husband's entire family sucks, to be honest. Sorry, OP.

So much drama over a dinner invite. OP just didn’t want to go. The dentist really has nothing to do with anything. And OP “forgetting” it was a day off school. She won’t see her inlaws without her husband even for a birthday. That’s it.

The drama has been created by MIL, not OP. Invite your guests within a reasonable time frame, like a normal person. Don't pitch a fit if they can't come.

24 hours is reasonable to a lot of people.

It's also unreasonable to a lot of people. If it's vital that you have certain guests in attendance, err on the side of caution and give them more notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is this dentist with late hours on a Friday? Do share, OP.

Saturdays, too!

https://www.dcpearlsdental.com/

Since they close at 530 plenty of time for a 6pm dinner.

And I love how OP said her husband works at “ circuit court.” There is no circuit court in the country doing unexpected business at 5 pm on Friday. Jan 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both you and your DH were in the wrong OP. It was just dinner, you knew it was MILs bday, and time could have been made. DH should have made sure it was in advance, because all of you knew when her bday was and it was when school was out. I can see why she is upset.

I've learned from this with some of my relatives and no longer expect anything of them. It is what it is.

Do you expect too much? I would not expect anyone to go out of their way for my birthday ever as an adult and especially not last minute. That includes my dh and my kids. We only do something on my bday if it's during a weekend. My parents are the same. We always lumped bdays and celebrated whenever convenient for everyone.

That’s strange. Yes, I would and did do something special for my mil, even if it was just a cake and she had dementia and didn’t know. We do dinner and cake for everyone on their birthday or another day close if it’s an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is this dentist with late hours on a Friday? Do share, OP.

Saturdays, too!

https://www.dcpearlsdental.com/

Since they close at 530 plenty of time for a 6pm dinner.

And I love how OP said her husband works at “ circuit court.” There is no circuit court in the country doing unexpected business at 5 pm on Friday. Jan 2.

DP. There could be people working late- some government employees work after hours even when the office is officially closed. This wouldn't jump out to me as a lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both you and your DH were in the wrong OP. It was just dinner, you knew it was MILs bday, and time could have been made. DH should have made sure it was in advance, because all of you knew when her bday was and it was when school was out. I can see why she is upset.

I've learned from this with some of my relatives and no longer expect anything of them. It is what it is.

Do you expect too much? I would not expect anyone to go out of their way for my birthday ever as an adult and especially not last minute. That includes my dh and my kids. We only do something on my bday if it's during a weekend. My parents are the same. We always lumped bdays and celebrated whenever convenient for everyone.

That’s strange. Yes, I would and did do something special for my mil, even if it was just a cake and she had dementia and didn’t know. We do dinner and cake for everyone on their birthday or another day close if it’s an adult.

OP did tell MIL that DH would reach out to schedule something for the rest of the family to attend. That could still happen "close" to the day. MIL is mad it didn't happen on her actual bday with 24 hours notice. That's not reasonable, but OP's DH should have declined from the get-go and then offered firm plans on another date or dates that worked for everyone.