This is tough....

[Anonymous]

OP my ex wife remarried and I did not. We have 2 small kids 12 and 14. It's a mess. I am in a tough situation because my son does not want to go to his mom anymore and is asking me to have full custody of him which I obviously can't. And this is not even a situation where my ex had another child. Her new husband does have a teenage son.

DON'T DO IT.

I know this is mean to say and it may sound sexist but your gf just wants your sperm so she can have a child. When the kids turn 10 she will look at your wrinkly balls and be grossed out and starts looking for excuses to dump you.

We don't need women to thrive post divorce. I don't understand why men keep falling for this crap of seeking for a new wife.

[Anonymous]

It's a bleak picture op paints but pointing out the 67% second marriage divorce rate, trends of dads dropping their responsibilities to their previous children and his less than ideal age is a product of... bitterness??
I think we've all just read a lot of sad posts from kids of such marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do not understand how me having another child will impact my relationship with my current kids. Nothing will change. From the start I told my girlfriend that my kids are very important to me. I have had to cancel dates with her and I also do not see her as much as I want to because i value my time with my kids. The assumption that I will just give up on them is strange to me. I love my children.

As opposed to them being….unimportant to you?

OP you feel like you’re being piled on here, but statements like above don’t lend confidence to your understanding of parenting, and frankly life choices in general. You speak of your girlfriend in this kind of lovestruck, swooney way that is really sweet and frankly enviable; many of us have been there and it’s a wonderful feeling. It is however, 100% not a feeling on which to make life-changing decisions that will impact your children. Kids are passengers in this car of life that we are driving. They get absolutely no say in where that car goes, what turns it takes, what speed bumps it goes over, when we stop for breaks, etc. Continuing my somewhat dorky analogy, suggesting that nothing would change involves putting an infant in a car seat in that car and suddenly suggesting that the ride is no different. Have you ever been on a multi-hour road trip with a crying baby? And you wanted to jump out the window? Yeah, me too. That’s what the car ends up looking like. And sure eventually the baby goes to sleep. But it’s a long ride.

I also really get the feeling that you have a “for right now“ lens on the situation. This stuff is for life, man. Blending families is impactful as a multi-generational event. I’m the poster whose second stepmom is pilfering dad‘s estate and let me tell you, it has been rough. Rest assured this is not about the money, my sibling and I are both successful, professional homeowners and we are doing just fine. But I watched my workaholic dad leave my soccer games growing up so that he could work, and that was just who he was, what he needed to do. I’ve accepted him for who he was. But I am now watching the fruits of those labors go to a woman he met 12 years ago, oh and her deadbeat son. To say that this impacts how I feel about my father and my family is an understatement.

No one is telling you that you can’t live your best life. But you need to get your head out of the sand and be realistic about what your decisions are, no matter what they are. I wish you luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is what a typical 30-something will expect of her husband:
- Time: especially when she has her first baby. She’ll expect you to be there for everything and love it as much as a first-time parent. Take your turns with late nights. Take paternity leave to take care of her and the baby. Keep a quiet house - under no circumstances should your teenagers invite other noisy teens over with a new baby.
- 50/50 parenting and housework: nothing and no one else will absolve you of your responsibility to do half. If you have something with older kids one night or weekend, be prepared to give her a night or weekend off, too.
- hanging out with other families with babies. Your wife will need to build a social network of friends in your new life stage. You need to be a part of it.
- Don’t shortchange your wife and new kids financially, physically, or emotionally.

If you're rational and love or care about the woman you're dating, you realize you can't meet her expectations and should get out of the way so she can find someone who doesn't already have kids and an ex-wife.

No wonder so many women in their 30s are still childless. And now I understand why more and more of them are going into their 40s still childless and single. And I agree with them by the way they should not compromise. I just hope they are not delusional by the few success stories they hear and think that the pool of potential men is big enough. At that age it's tough.

I agree with all the above. I know two families where dads had a second family with 1 (!!!) child only in their 50s with younger women. In both cases the men were millionaires paid for private schools and colleges of older kids etc. Even in these cases 1) one man only speaks to older kids via Zoom and they visit once a year max staying closer to mom and not wanting anywhere near his new wife and baby. The much younger wife screams at husband in public and scolds him for bad breath 2) in case 2 as soon as older kids went for college, the younger wife refused to host them at the newly purchased family house on college breaks

Not worth it in my humble opinion

[Anonymous]

Who is the world says having more kids won’t affect the ones who are here? Even in intact first families, subsequent kids affect the relationships/time/money that go to older kids.

No one, even a troll, is that clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here...I have wrestled with the same questions you guys are raising. This is also discouraging because at our age it's already difficult to find a lifelong partner...

I don’t know why that is, because I personally know at least 10 single women in the 40+ category who would love to find a guy and just can’t. The apps suck and how else are they going to meet a potential partner? I swear the guys have tons of options.

[Anonymous]

OP here...I have wrestled with the same questions you guys are raising. This is also discouraging because at our age it's already difficult to find a lifelong partner...

Look not to be a total d!ck, but it’s actually not that difficult to find a partner. You want it how you want it, which is a young fertile women in her 30s who adores your “maturity” (ie life experience she just hasn’t had yet) who fits in with the life you already lived before you met her, but doesn’t get to experience the same things that you’ve already gotten to experience, which is parenthood. Of course she wants a husband and kid(s). You wanted yours too, right?

I hear what you’re saying, but don’t confuse wanting your perfect version of the future with wanting to have a future at all. This is pretty consistent with how you’ve approached most of this thread, which is short-sighted at best, Mr. “nothing will change”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is what a typical 30-something will expect of her husband:
- Time: especially when she has her first baby. She’ll expect you to be there for everything and love it as much as a first-time parent. Take your turns with late nights. Take paternity leave to take care of her and the baby. Keep a quiet house - under no circumstances should your teenagers invite other noisy teens over with a new baby.
- 50/50 parenting and housework: nothing and no one else will absolve you of your responsibility to do half. If you have something with older kids one night or weekend, be prepared to give her a night or weekend off, too.
- hanging out with other families with babies. Your wife will need to build a social network of friends in your new life stage. You need to be a part of it.
- Don’t shortchange your wife and new kids financially, physically, or emotionally.

If you're rational and love or care about the woman you're dating, you realize you can't meet her expectations and should get out of the way so she can find someone who doesn't already have kids and an ex-wife.

No wonder so many women in their 30s are still childless. And now I understand why more and more of them are going into their 40s still childless and single. And I agree with them by the way they should not compromise. I just hope they are not delusional by the few success stories they hear and think that the pool of potential men is big enough. At that age it's tough.

I agree with all the above. I know two families where dads had a second family with 1 (!!!) child only in their 50s with younger women. In both cases the men were millionaires paid for private schools and colleges of older kids etc. Even in these cases 1) one man only speaks to older kids via Zoom and they visit once a year max staying closer to mom and not wanting anywhere near his new wife and baby. The much younger wife screams at husband in public and scolds him for bad breath 2) in case 2 as soon as older kids went for college, the younger wife refused to host them at the newly purchased family house on college breaks

Not worth it in my humble opinion

Thanks for sharing this. It's so true. Very often people blame the men for abandoning their kids and so forth. But I'm reality in some cases the new wife is not innocent. Women can be very selfish as well. Some of these wives will promote an environment where the husband completely abandon his first family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re crazy to consider this because there are numerous problems with men being over 40 let alone your age. It drastically increases the risk of autism and schizophrenia.

I’m a 46-year-old woman and would never consider having another kid. Think about how that would impact the children you already have as well. Just no.

She’s only 34; she can find a man for under 40.

What do you have against over 40 🙁 men like me?

I have nothing against you except I don’t think it’s fair to your kids to have another kid and I don’t think it’s a good idea to have a baby at your age. Your relationship with your girlfriend will change and it will be disaster. It’s not too late to find a guy closer to her own age to have kids with. I think you’d both be settling and then in 10 years you’re gonna end up divorced again.

Sadly, this is probably the most accurate and truthful advice. You and GF are in very different places in your lives.
Yes, it is *possible* for your relationship to endure, for your older kids to thrive, etc etc etc. BUT highly unlikely. Too many challenges. And what if the baby has special needs which is highly likely to happen because of you being older? You ready for that?

[Anonymous]

OP, you're such BS
Please stop wasting her time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is what a typical 30-something will expect of her husband:
- Time: especially when she has her first baby. She’ll expect you to be there for everything and love it as much as a first-time parent. Take your turns with late nights. Take paternity leave to take care of her and the baby. Keep a quiet house - under no circumstances should your teenagers invite other noisy teens over with a new baby.
- 50/50 parenting and housework: nothing and no one else will absolve you of your responsibility to do half. If you have something with older kids one night or weekend, be prepared to give her a night or weekend off, too.
- hanging out with other families with babies. Your wife will need to build a social network of friends in your new life stage. You need to be a part of it.
- Don’t shortchange your wife and new kids financially, physically, or emotionally.

If you're rational and love or care about the woman you're dating, you realize you can't meet her expectations and should get out of the way so she can find someone who doesn't already have kids and an ex-wife.

No wonder so many women in their 30s are still childless. And now I understand why more and more of them are going into their 40s still childless and single. And I agree with them by the way they should not compromise. I just hope they are not delusional by the few success stories they hear and think that the pool of potential men is big enough. At that age it's tough.

I agree with all the above. I know two families where dads had a second family with 1 (!!!) child only in their 50s with younger women. In both cases the men were millionaires paid for private schools and colleges of older kids etc. Even in these cases 1) one man only speaks to older kids via Zoom and they visit once a year max staying closer to mom and not wanting anywhere near his new wife and baby. The much younger wife screams at husband in public and scolds him for bad breath 2) in case 2 as soon as older kids went for college, the younger wife refused to host them at the newly purchased family house on college breaks

Not worth it in my humble opinion

Thanks for sharing this. It's so true. Very often people blame the men for abandoning their kids and so forth. But I'm reality in some cases the new wife is not innocent. Women can be very selfish as well. Some of these wives will promote an environment where the husband completely abandon his first family.

I have some sympathy for the second wife because she just wants what everyone else her age has, which is a household focused on the children they have together. But that's not what she's signing up for. She's signing up for a household where the older kids are going to have activities and expenses, will bring home illnesses, and will have lifestyles that are not amenable to naps, feeding schedules, and other baby focused pieces of the life she thinks she's getting.

So she starts to push for the baby to come first, which by default means the older kids will be pushed to the side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do not understand how me having another child will impact my relationship with my current kids.[/b] Nothing will change. From the start I told my girlfriend that my kids are very important to me. [b]I have had to cancel dates with her and I also do not see her as much as I want to because i value my time with my kids. The assumption that I will just give up on them is strange to me. I love my children.

Come on. You know a relationship is different with kids than without and what might be cool when you don’t have kids changes when you do. Of course right now your girlfriend understands how much you value the time with your kids and it could be seen as a positive if she is thinking about marrying and having kids with you. But once you marry and have children will the reasons you’ve canceled dates in the past be okay when she is home with the 1 year old? Is she willing to pitch in and help with carpools and whatever else is needed during your 50% of time with your kids even while you have a young one? Would she be willing to sign a prenup to financially ensure all your children are taken care of fairly and with whatever estate planning? And if she expects you to prioritize her and the children you share over your existing children what are you going to do - will you really be willing to divorce over this and have joint custody of a small child in your 50’s or go along to get along?

I have a relative with a with a much younger 2nd wife and I think it works so far because he never shirked his duties raising his older child (only had 1 with ex) and intentionally moved close to ex until kid graduated HS, the girlfriend/2nd wife was appropriately involved with step-daughter- not trying to be a parent but was helpful in any logistics needed with joint custody and had forged a good relationship before she (2nd wife) had kids, the older one had graduated high school so a lot of the situations where time/energy would be split weren’t an issue. And of course has the type of money to comfortably help all children, have part-time nanny/helper for SAH wife so everything does not fall on her without any breaks, and doesn’t mind postponing retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is what a typical 30-something will expect of her husband:
- Time: especially when she has her first baby. She’ll expect you to be there for everything and love it as much as a first-time parent. Take your turns with late nights. Take paternity leave to take care of her and the baby. Keep a quiet house - under no circumstances should your teenagers invite other noisy teens over with a new baby.
- 50/50 parenting and housework: nothing and no one else will absolve you of your responsibility to do half. If you have something with older kids one night or weekend, be prepared to give her a night or weekend off, too.
- hanging out with other families with babies. Your wife will need to build a social network of friends in your new life stage. You need to be a part of it.
- Don’t shortchange your wife and new kids financially, physically, or emotionally.

If you're rational and love or care about the woman you're dating, you realize you can't meet her expectations and should get out of the way so she can find someone who doesn't already have kids and an ex-wife.

No wonder so many women in their 30s are still childless. And now I understand why more and more of them are going into their 40s still childless and single. And I agree with them by the way they should not compromise. I just hope they are not delusional by the few success stories they hear and think that the pool of potential men is big enough. At that age it's tough.

I agree with all the above. I know two families where dads had a second family with 1 (!!!) child only in their 50s with younger women. In both cases the men were millionaires paid for private schools and colleges of older kids etc. Even in these cases 1) one man only speaks to older kids via Zoom and they visit once a year max staying closer to mom and not wanting anywhere near his new wife and baby. The much younger wife screams at husband in public and scolds him for bad breath 2) in case 2 as soon as older kids went for college, the younger wife refused to host them at the newly purchased family house on college breaks

Not worth it in my humble opinion

Thanks for sharing this. It's so true. Very often people blame the men for abandoning their kids and so forth. But I'm reality in some cases the new wife is not innocent. Women can be very selfish as well. Some of these wives will promote an environment where the husband completely abandon his first family.

I have some sympathy for the second wife because she just wants what everyone else her age has, which is a household focused on the children they have together. But that's not what she's signing up for. She's signing up for a household where the older kids are going to have activities and expenses, will bring home illnesses, and will have lifestyles that are not amenable to naps, feeding schedules, and other baby focused pieces of the life she thinks she's getting.

So she starts to push for the baby to come first, which by default means the older kids will be pushed to the side.

And you think that's okay?

[Anonymous]

Honest question. Is it fair to say that older women in particular have issues with men who choose to remarry with a younger woman?I don't think OP because marriage sucks anyways. But I went through all the responses and there is clearly an undertone that somehow older men such as OP should not be going younger. I get in that women past a certain age are not as desirable as they once were. Men no longer turn their heads when they pass guy. Sometimes they are invisible in public spaces where they once you used to grab so much wanted and unwanted attention.

[Anonymous]

Wow this thread is having so many push backs some quite passionate. Interesting.