This is tough....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Look, Wife #2 (or however many) is likely to feel like she's compromising quite a bit just by entering this situation, and she might not want to compromise any more. She's accepting an older guy, which means skipping her thirties in a weird way, a higher chance of prolonged widowhood, going straight from parenting to eldercare, etc. And it's a little embarrassing if she feels like she failed to attract a same-age partner and her kids don't have the kind of energetic dad that other kids do. She's accepting stepkids-- their presence, but also planning stepkids into EVERY decision she and her husband make-- and an ex and all the logistical and financial complexity that comes with. And she might be accepting having less kids of her own than she wanted to-- and the risk of having no kids at all or having to use donor sperm. It's really a rare woman in her 30s who sees this situation as her first choice, because it's disadvantageous to her and her bio children, and there's a lot of tension and resource competition built in. This is likely to feel overwhelming and difficult to OP, and to his wife once she starts parenting, and they'll give the older kids less and less until the older kids disengage. This is how this goes-- it's not because the dad intends it to be this way, but this is how the cookie crumbles.

Just as this is short shrift for all the reasons described above for wife #2, it is similarly disadvantageous for wife #1. Again for all of these reasons. Fewer resources for the first kids, Dad is older, tired, and less available, second wife has her own feelings about Dad's attention. The poster upthread who "can't help but notice how older women" don't support OP is overly invested in painting women as shrews, and not spending a nanosecond thinking out how "the cookie crumbles", as PP said. Of course the first wives don't support this! There is literally no upside from their perspective.

Upside can be that their kids get a half sibling, but that's only desirable if they want it and if they don't already have a sibling.

It can be positive if the new wife compels the DH to be a better parent *to the older kids* but that's unusual. It's possible she'll pick up some of his slack though, at least at first. New wives are dumb like that.

In all of my years talking to people about their lives, I've never met someone who is close to their half-sibling if that half-sibling is 15+ years younger than them. At best, they end up like the "cool aunt" to those kids, but most often it's not even that.

I still feel like that's better than no sibling at all.

That is ridiculous. They won't be like siblings.

[Anonymous]

To the divorced dads over 40 with kids: Most women looking to have kids of their own, are not clawing at each other to be selfless, step-moms to your kids. Your kids will more than likely feel neglected regardless of what you tell yourself. And you can tell yourself whatever you like about everyone being "bitter," but that's a fact. Once her own kids are born, you'll see who gets prioritized.

[Anonymous]

I'd knock her up. Let her raise the kid she wants so badly. Y'all will be fine. Don't let that young girl go! It's better to be 46 and a man than 46 and an old woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the divorced dads over 40 with kids: Most women looking to have kids of their own, are not clawing at each other to be selfless, step-moms to your kids. Your kids will more than likely feel neglected regardless of what you tell yourself. And you can tell yourself whatever you like about everyone being "bitter," but that's a fact. Once her own kids are born, you'll see who gets prioritized.

This. As if calling someone "bitter" would make any difference! Sure, maybe they're "bitter" (as opposed to, I dunno, justifiably angry or disappointed with your dumb choices and foolish expectations). Okay, so they're bitter. So either you're married to someone who's bitter, or you're the parent of someone who's bitter, or both. What's your solution?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the divorced dads over 40 with kids: Most women looking to have kids of their own, are not clawing at each other to be selfless, step-moms to your kids. Your kids will more than likely feel neglected regardless of what you tell yourself. And you can tell yourself whatever you like about everyone being "bitter," but that's a fact. Once her own kids are born, you'll see who gets prioritized.

+1. I am Muslim and my dad has 2 wives. My mom was the second wife. My dad initially didn't want to pay for my college education here because of the cost and also that would take away resources from his other kids. Guess what my mom gave him an ultimatum. Either he pays for me to come here tuition room and board or she will leave him. Lol. Women really really love their children. They will do anything for them. If they are step moms they will look after the interests of their own kids first.

It has created some serious tensions with my other siblings some of whom don't talk to me anymore.

OP don't do it. Blending families is challenging. Maybe look for a woman who wants to be a forever girlfriend who doesn't want kids.I am sure they exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that having a child around the age of fifty (give or take a year or two) is unfair to the child in many ways.

Since life expectancy is around 80, then there is a chance that you may not be around to be a suitable Grandparent when your child has their own offspring.
Also you will tire easily running after a toddler too.

I am fifty-five + cannot even imagine having a young child at this stage of my life to care for.
My youngest is now 32 which works for me happily.

What about women who have their first child at 45? Their number is on the rise.

[Anonymous]

Do you want to go to high school events when you are in your mid to late 60s while your friends are retired? and laying for college until you are 70?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that having a child around the age of fifty (give or take a year or two) is unfair to the child in many ways.

Since life expectancy is around 80, then there is a chance that you may not be around to be a suitable Grandparent when your child has their own offspring.
Also you will tire easily running after a toddler too.

I am fifty-five + cannot even imagine having a young child at this stage of my life to care for.
My youngest is now 32 which works for me happily.

What about women who have their first child at 45? Their number is on the rise.

Do you even think before you post? Most women having kids at late ages are not divorced with two young children. It may happen but it’s rare.

Usually it’s a first time mom or an oops baby from the same marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that having a child around the age of fifty (give or take a year or two) is unfair to the child in many ways.

Since life expectancy is around 80, then there is a chance that you may not be around to be a suitable Grandparent when your child has their own offspring.
Also you will tire easily running after a toddler too.

I am fifty-five + cannot even imagine having a young child at this stage of my life to care for.
My youngest is now 32 which works for me happily.

What about women who have their first child at 45? Their number is on the rise.

Do you even think before you post? Most women having kids at late ages are not divorced with two young children. It may happen but it’s rare.

Usually it’s a first time mom or an oops baby from the same marriage.

Incorrect. The trend shows more and more women having their first child past 40 and some at 45.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that having a child around the age of fifty (give or take a year or two) is unfair to the child in many ways.

Since life expectancy is around 80, then there is a chance that you may not be around to be a suitable Grandparent when your child has their own offspring.
Also you will tire easily running after a toddler too.

I am fifty-five + cannot even imagine having a young child at this stage of my life to care for.
My youngest is now 32 which works for me happily.

What about women who have their first child at 45? Their number is on the rise.

Do you even think before you post? Most women having kids at late ages are not divorced with two young children. It may happen but it’s rare.

Usually it’s a first time mom or an oops baby from the same marriage.

Incorrect. The trend shows more and more women having their first child past 40 and some at 45.

The average age of first pregnancy in the US is 28, a number that has risen primarily due to a decline in teen pregnancies rather than an increase in AMA pregnancies, at the statistical level. While the number of pregnancies to women over 45 has grown every year since the 1980s, it only went up .2 percent in the most recent data.

Basically, we're talking about VERY low numbers here, and "increases" are often measured in the hundreds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd knock her up. Let her raise the kid she wants so badly. Y'all will be fine. Don't let that young girl go! It's better to be 46 and a man than 46 and an old woman.

LOL, yeah, you seem like a real prize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is what a typical 30-something will expect of her husband:
- Time: especially when she has her first baby. She’ll expect you to be there for everything and love it as much as a first-time parent. Take your turns with late nights. Take paternity leave to take care of her and the baby. Keep a quiet house - under no circumstances should your teenagers invite other noisy teens over with a new baby.
- 50/50 parenting and housework: nothing and no one else will absolve you of your responsibility to do half. If you have something with older kids one night or weekend, be prepared to give her a night or weekend off, too.
- hanging out with other families with babies. Your wife will need to build a social network of friends in your new life stage. You need to be a part of it.
- Don’t shortchange your wife and new kids financially, physically, or emotionally.

If you're rational and love or care about the woman you're dating, you realize you can't meet her expectations and should get out of the way so she can find someone who doesn't already have kids and an ex-wife.

No wonder so many women in their 30s are still childless. And now I understand why more and more of them are going into their 40s still childless and single. And I agree with them by the way they should not compromise. I just hope they are not delusional by the few success stories they hear and think that the pool of potential men is big enough. At that age it's tough.

I agree with all the above. I know two families where dads had a second family with 1 (!!!) child only in their 50s with younger women. In both cases the men were millionaires paid for private schools and colleges of older kids etc. Even in these cases 1) one man only speaks to older kids via Zoom and they visit once a year max staying closer to mom and not wanting anywhere near his new wife and baby. The much younger wife screams at husband in public and scolds him for bad breath 2) in case 2 as soon as older kids went for college, the younger wife refused to host them at the newly purchased family house on college breaks

Not worth it in my humble opinion

Thanks for sharing this. It's so true. Very often people blame the men for abandoning their kids and so forth. But I'm reality in some cases the new wife is not innocent. Women can be very selfish as well. Some of these wives will promote an environment where the husband completely abandon his first family.

I have some sympathy for the second wife because she just wants what everyone else her age has, which is a household focused on the children they have together. But that's not what she's signing up for. She's signing up for a household where the older kids are going to have activities and expenses, will bring home illnesses, and will have lifestyles that are not amenable to naps, feeding schedules, and other baby focused pieces of the life she thinks she's getting.

So she starts to push for the baby to come first, which by default means the older kids will be pushed to the side.

All of this. Look, Wife #2 (or however many) is likely to feel like she's compromising quite a bit just by entering this situation, and she might not want to compromise any more. She's accepting an older guy, which means skipping her thirties in a weird way, a higher chance of prolonged widowhood, going straight from parenting to eldercare, etc. And it's a little embarrassing if she feels like she failed to attract a same-age partner and her kids don't have the kind of energetic dad that other kids do. She's accepting stepkids-- their presence, but also planning stepkids into EVERY decision she and her husband make-- and an ex and all the logistical and financial complexity that comes with. And she might be accepting having less kids of her own than she wanted to-- and the risk of having no kids at all or having to use donor sperm. It's really a rare woman in her 30s who sees this situation as her first choice, because it's disadvantageous to her and her bio children, and there's a lot of tension and resource competition built in. This is likely to feel overwhelming and difficult to OP, and to his wife once she starts parenting, and they'll give the older kids less and less until the older kids disengage. This is how this goes-- it's not because the dad intends it to be this way, but this is how the cookie crumbles.

OP, you are not a young man. By the time this baby is actually born you could be 50 or 51, and you'll feel a lot more tired than you currently do. And you are not a wealthy man. You already haven't saved that much for your kids' college. If you have another baby that will very seriously impact your ability to save any more. You say you "nor will I neglect" your children-- well is that really where you're setting the bar? Non-neglect? I just don't think you have your head around how expensive all of this is going to be. What would your budget look like after you pay for a wedding, baby, and baby's college fund?

She didn't have to wait into her 30s to finally have a child and marry. Women really over value themselves sometimes. You wait into your 30s and delusionally expect your dating pool to be the same. Nope sorry. The 30s guys are snapping the younger 20s gals. Sorry for the women I'm their 30s in some cases they sadly have to settle for the older and less attractive men.

I don’t think this is true. When I was in my 30s, men dated 30s. That was 15 years ago.