This is tough....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honest question. Is it fair to say that older women in particular have issues with men who choose to remarry with a younger woman?I don't think OP because marriage sucks anyways. But I went through all the responses and there is clearly an undertone that somehow older men such as OP should not be going younger. I get in that women past a certain age are not as desirable as they once were. Men no longer turn their heads when they pass guy. Sometimes they are invisible in public spaces where they once you used to grab so much wanted and unwanted attention.

I don’t think it’s that. I married an older man and I’m still my late 30s. I get plenty of attention still! I think it’s the kids suffer and it’s complicated. People like OP don’t see it’s just the youth changing his mind. Having been that woman I wouldn’t recommend. But obviously I went forward with it, so…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honest question. Is it fair to say that older women in particular have issues with men who choose to remarry with a younger woman?I don't think OP because marriage sucks anyways. But I went through all the responses and there is clearly an undertone that somehow older men such as OP should not be going younger. I get in that women past a certain age are not as desirable as they once were. Men no longer turn their heads when they pass guy. Sometimes they are invisible in public spaces where they once you used to grab so much wanted and unwanted attention.

The reality is the most older guys with kids aren’t as attractive to the childfree younger woman in her mid twenties to late 30’s IF he isn’t willing to marry and start a family with her. If he doesn’t want to have more children there are plenty of women he could date with the biggest pool being women that already have kids and don’t want any more and women beyond the typical child bearing age. The mid-twenties to late 30’s women that doesn’t want kids typically wants a guy that doesn’t already have kids.

If a guy always wanted more kids with the first wife and either she was like no way or the relationship ended before that could happen that’s one thing but 90% of the time, that’s not what’s happening here. Usually the guy doesn’t really want more kids, he just wants the type of woman he can get IF he is willing to have more kids. And if he is willing to take on all the time and money and delayed retirement etc. to have a kid that on his own he didn’t really want but is doing to keep/get the 2nd wife, what are the chances he will put the same type of energy into parenting his current children especially if it rocks the boat with the 2nd wife?

[Anonymous]

You’d be more empathetic with kids now because you too would be wearing diapers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny watching (presumably) men attack women on here and calling them "bitter," meanwhile, you're the ones more likely to actually murder a spouse over divorce or an affair (be it your own or hers), so how about you stop attacking like you're such rational creatures.

Give the gender breakdown data. I'm curious about it.

Not pp (actually NP) but just google spousal homicides and statistics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny watching (presumably) men attack women on here and calling them "bitter," meanwhile, you're the ones more likely to actually murder a spouse over divorce or an affair (be it your own or hers), so how about you stop attacking like you're such rational creatures.

Give the gender breakdown data. I'm curious about it.

Not pp (actually NP) but just google spousal homicides and statistics.

Or intimate partner violence.

[Anonymous]

Consider yourself lucky! I would have loved to have the opportunity to find love again and have another child!

Embrace this and go for it! Don’t let fear and doubts ruin a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consider yourself lucky! I would have loved to have the opportunity to find love again and have another child!

Embrace this and go for it! Don’t let fear and doubts ruin a good thing.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I have the same age difference in my marriage. Our second kid was born when DH was your age, If you’re going to do this, hurry up. You’ll be fine.

OP here thank you for sharing your experience. I'm 46 now and I won't make her wait. If our relationship continues the way it's been in the next 6 months I'll def propose to her. She is everything my ex wife wasn't.

You just posted that you gave “no intention to remarry” but if she wants to get married and have a kid you would.

Say what now? That’s not having no intention to marry dude.

And now you’re saying you’ll propose in 6 months!!

lol. Men.

Lol I am a man and I can kind of relate. When I met my now wife I proposed to her 6 months after we met. I was only 26 and I def didn't want to get married before I met her. We had things in common and a shared vision etc but I was really more about me morphing into what she liked and what she envisioned our future together to be like. I think women do more in depth thinking and don't rush to make big life decisions like marriage. I don't necessarily think men are stupid I see it more like men being impulsive and accepting whatever fallout that come out bad decisions they make.

I don't think you are wrong about relationships that begin in one's teens and twenties, but OP is in his forties! By that time, I would expect a man to have some sense of what he wants his personal life to look like. OP is clearly bouncing around with zero thought. He literally just met this woman and he's already thinking about proposing and having kids. That goes beyond the maturity gap between young adult men and young women, and suggests that he is in the "limerence" period of infatuation. That is a terrible head space in which to be making choices like whether or not to bring an entire child into the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I have the same age difference in my marriage. Our second kid was born when DH was your age, If you’re going to do this, hurry up. You’ll be fine.

OP here thank you for sharing your experience. I'm 46 now and I won't make her wait. If our relationship continues the way it's been in the next 6 months I'll def propose to her. She is everything my ex wife wasn't.

You just posted that you gave “no intention to remarry” but if she wants to get married and have a kid you would.

Say what now? That’s not having no intention to marry dude.

And now you’re saying you’ll propose in 6 months!!

lol. Men.

Lol I am a man and I can kind of relate. When I met my now wife I proposed to her 6 months after we met. I was only 26 and I def didn't want to get married before I met her. We had things in common and a shared vision etc but I was really more about me morphing into what she liked and what she envisioned our future together to be like. I think women do more in depth thinking and don't rush to make big life decisions like marriage. I don't necessarily think men are stupid I see it more like men being impulsive and accepting whatever fallout that come out bad decisions they make.

You were 26, first time marriage, and no kids!!

You really think a middle aged man, divorced, with two young kids talking about proposing to someone he’s known for a month is relatable to your 26 yr old decision?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is what a typical 30-something will expect of her husband:
- Time: especially when she has her first baby. She’ll expect you to be there for everything and love it as much as a first-time parent. Take your turns with late nights. Take paternity leave to take care of her and the baby. Keep a quiet house - under no circumstances should your teenagers invite other noisy teens over with a new baby.
- 50/50 parenting and housework: nothing and no one else will absolve you of your responsibility to do half. If you have something with older kids one night or weekend, be prepared to give her a night or weekend off, too.
- hanging out with other families with babies. Your wife will need to build a social network of friends in your new life stage. You need to be a part of it.
- Don’t shortchange your wife and new kids financially, physically, or emotionally.

If you're rational and love or care about the woman you're dating, you realize you can't meet her expectations and should get out of the way so she can find someone who doesn't already have kids and an ex-wife.

No wonder so many women in their 30s are still childless. And now I understand why more and more of them are going into their 40s still childless and single. And I agree with them by the way they should not compromise. I just hope they are not delusional by the few success stories they hear and think that the pool of potential men is big enough. At that age it's tough.

I agree with all the above. I know two families where dads had a second family with 1 (!!!) child only in their 50s with younger women. In both cases the men were millionaires paid for private schools and colleges of older kids etc. Even in these cases 1) one man only speaks to older kids via Zoom and they visit once a year max staying closer to mom and not wanting anywhere near his new wife and baby. The much younger wife screams at husband in public and scolds him for bad breath 2) in case 2 as soon as older kids went for college, the younger wife refused to host them at the newly purchased family house on college breaks

Not worth it in my humble opinion

Thanks for sharing this. It's so true. Very often people blame the men for abandoning their kids and so forth. But I'm reality in some cases the new wife is not innocent. Women can be very selfish as well. Some of these wives will promote an environment where the husband completely abandon his first family.

I have some sympathy for the second wife because she just wants what everyone else her age has, which is a household focused on the children they have together. But that's not what she's signing up for. She's signing up for a household where the older kids are going to have activities and expenses, will bring home illnesses, and will have lifestyles that are not amenable to naps, feeding schedules, and other baby focused pieces of the life she thinks she's getting.

So she starts to push for the baby to come first, which by default means the older kids will be pushed to the side.

All of this. Look, Wife #2 (or however many) is likely to feel like she's compromising quite a bit just by entering this situation, and she might not want to compromise any more. She's accepting an older guy, which means skipping her thirties in a weird way, a higher chance of prolonged widowhood, going straight from parenting to eldercare, etc. And it's a little embarrassing if she feels like she failed to attract a same-age partner and her kids don't have the kind of energetic dad that other kids do. She's accepting stepkids-- their presence, but also planning stepkids into EVERY decision she and her husband make-- and an ex and all the logistical and financial complexity that comes with. And she might be accepting having less kids of her own than she wanted to-- and the risk of having no kids at all or having to use donor sperm. It's really a rare woman in her 30s who sees this situation as her first choice, because it's disadvantageous to her and her bio children, and there's a lot of tension and resource competition built in. This is likely to feel overwhelming and difficult to OP, and to his wife once she starts parenting, and they'll give the older kids less and less until the older kids disengage. This is how this goes-- it's not because the dad intends it to be this way, but this is how the cookie crumbles.

OP, you are not a young man. By the time this baby is actually born you could be 50 or 51, and you'll feel a lot more tired than you currently do. And you are not a wealthy man. You already haven't saved that much for your kids' college. If you have another baby that will very seriously impact your ability to save any more. You say you "nor will I neglect" your children-- well is that really where you're setting the bar? Non-neglect? I just don't think you have your head around how expensive all of this is going to be. What would your budget look like after you pay for a wedding, baby, and baby's college fund?

[Anonymous]

Look, Wife #2 (or however many) is likely to feel like she's compromising quite a bit just by entering this situation, and she might not want to compromise any more. She's accepting an older guy, which means skipping her thirties in a weird way, a higher chance of prolonged widowhood, going straight from parenting to eldercare, etc. And it's a little embarrassing if she feels like she failed to attract a same-age partner and her kids don't have the kind of energetic dad that other kids do. She's accepting stepkids-- their presence, but also planning stepkids into EVERY decision she and her husband make-- and an ex and all the logistical and financial complexity that comes with. And she might be accepting having less kids of her own than she wanted to-- and the risk of having no kids at all or having to use donor sperm. It's really a rare woman in her 30s who sees this situation as her first choice, because it's disadvantageous to her and her bio children, and there's a lot of tension and resource competition built in. This is likely to feel overwhelming and difficult to OP, and to his wife once she starts parenting, and they'll give the older kids less and less until the older kids disengage. This is how this goes-- it's not because the dad intends it to be this way, but this is how the cookie crumbles.

Just as this is short shrift for all the reasons described above for wife #2, it is similarly disadvantageous for wife #1. Again for all of these reasons. Fewer resources for the first kids, Dad is older, tired, and less available, second wife has her own feelings about Dad's attention. The poster upthread who "can't help but notice how older women" don't support OP is overly invested in painting women as shrews, and not spending a nanosecond thinking out how "the cookie crumbles", as PP said. Of course the first wives don't support this! There is literally no upside from their perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Look, Wife #2 (or however many) is likely to feel like she's compromising quite a bit just by entering this situation, and she might not want to compromise any more. She's accepting an older guy, which means skipping her thirties in a weird way, a higher chance of prolonged widowhood, going straight from parenting to eldercare, etc. And it's a little embarrassing if she feels like she failed to attract a same-age partner and her kids don't have the kind of energetic dad that other kids do. She's accepting stepkids-- their presence, but also planning stepkids into EVERY decision she and her husband make-- and an ex and all the logistical and financial complexity that comes with. And she might be accepting having less kids of her own than she wanted to-- and the risk of having no kids at all or having to use donor sperm. It's really a rare woman in her 30s who sees this situation as her first choice, because it's disadvantageous to her and her bio children, and there's a lot of tension and resource competition built in. This is likely to feel overwhelming and difficult to OP, and to his wife once she starts parenting, and they'll give the older kids less and less until the older kids disengage. This is how this goes-- it's not because the dad intends it to be this way, but this is how the cookie crumbles.

Just as this is short shrift for all the reasons described above for wife #2, it is similarly disadvantageous for wife #1. Again for all of these reasons. Fewer resources for the first kids, Dad is older, tired, and less available, second wife has her own feelings about Dad's attention. The poster upthread who "can't help but notice how older women" don't support OP is overly invested in painting women as shrews, and not spending a nanosecond thinking out how "the cookie crumbles", as PP said. Of course the first wives don't support this! There is literally no upside from their perspective.

Upside can be that their kids get a half sibling, but that's only desirable if they want it and if they don't already have a sibling.

It can be positive if the new wife compels the DH to be a better parent *to the older kids* but that's unusual. It's possible she'll pick up some of his slack though, at least at first. New wives are dumb like that.

[Anonymous]

It's really a rare woman in her 30s who sees this situation as her first choice, because it's disadvantageous to her and her bio children, and there's a lot of tension and resource competition built in. This is likely to feel overwhelming and difficult to OP, and to his wife once she starts parenting, and they'll give the older kids less and less until the older kids disengage. This is how this goes-- it's not because the dad intends it to be this way, but this is how the cookie crumbles.

This is the crux of the matter right here. OP will end up "caught" between his new wife's desire for a "normal" marriage and the needs of his existing kids. This will play out in a thousand tiny ways, from the timing and location of the potential wedding (can't make the kids miss school), to the house the newlywed couple buys (needs to have rooms for the kids), to the resources available for a nanny/childcare (since OP will be paying childcare and college tuition at the same time). Then it will play out in all of the other ways, like whether the first kids are "allowed" to visit their father if they have a cold, if they can have friends over after the baby's bedtime or during naptime, and if they can bring their snacks into the house when the second wife goes through a weird organic almond mom phase.

Honestly, for a lot of women it would be better to be a SMBC than to deal with those logistics and the constant competing priorities. Most men just can't handle being pulled in multiple directions, so either snap or just pick a side no matter who gets hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Look, Wife #2 (or however many) is likely to feel like she's compromising quite a bit just by entering this situation, and she might not want to compromise any more. She's accepting an older guy, which means skipping her thirties in a weird way, a higher chance of prolonged widowhood, going straight from parenting to eldercare, etc. And it's a little embarrassing if she feels like she failed to attract a same-age partner and her kids don't have the kind of energetic dad that other kids do. She's accepting stepkids-- their presence, but also planning stepkids into EVERY decision she and her husband make-- and an ex and all the logistical and financial complexity that comes with. And she might be accepting having less kids of her own than she wanted to-- and the risk of having no kids at all or having to use donor sperm. It's really a rare woman in her 30s who sees this situation as her first choice, because it's disadvantageous to her and her bio children, and there's a lot of tension and resource competition built in. This is likely to feel overwhelming and difficult to OP, and to his wife once she starts parenting, and they'll give the older kids less and less until the older kids disengage. This is how this goes-- it's not because the dad intends it to be this way, but this is how the cookie crumbles.

Just as this is short shrift for all the reasons described above for wife #2, it is similarly disadvantageous for wife #1. Again for all of these reasons. Fewer resources for the first kids, Dad is older, tired, and less available, second wife has her own feelings about Dad's attention. The poster upthread who "can't help but notice how older women" don't support OP is overly invested in painting women as shrews, and not spending a nanosecond thinking out how "the cookie crumbles", as PP said. Of course the first wives don't support this! There is literally no upside from their perspective.

Upside can be that their kids get a half sibling, but that's only desirable if they want it and if they don't already have a sibling.

It can be positive if the new wife compels the DH to be a better parent *to the older kids* but that's unusual. It's possible she'll pick up some of his slack though, at least at first. New wives are dumb like that.

In all of my years talking to people about their lives, I've never met someone who is close to their half-sibling if that half-sibling is 15+ years younger than them. At best, they end up like the "cool aunt" to those kids, but most often it's not even that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Look, Wife #2 (or however many) is likely to feel like she's compromising quite a bit just by entering this situation, and she might not want to compromise any more. She's accepting an older guy, which means skipping her thirties in a weird way, a higher chance of prolonged widowhood, going straight from parenting to eldercare, etc. And it's a little embarrassing if she feels like she failed to attract a same-age partner and her kids don't have the kind of energetic dad that other kids do. She's accepting stepkids-- their presence, but also planning stepkids into EVERY decision she and her husband make-- and an ex and all the logistical and financial complexity that comes with. And she might be accepting having less kids of her own than she wanted to-- and the risk of having no kids at all or having to use donor sperm. It's really a rare woman in her 30s who sees this situation as her first choice, because it's disadvantageous to her and her bio children, and there's a lot of tension and resource competition built in. This is likely to feel overwhelming and difficult to OP, and to his wife once she starts parenting, and they'll give the older kids less and less until the older kids disengage. This is how this goes-- it's not because the dad intends it to be this way, but this is how the cookie crumbles.

Just as this is short shrift for all the reasons described above for wife #2, it is similarly disadvantageous for wife #1. Again for all of these reasons. Fewer resources for the first kids, Dad is older, tired, and less available, second wife has her own feelings about Dad's attention. The poster upthread who "can't help but notice how older women" don't support OP is overly invested in painting women as shrews, and not spending a nanosecond thinking out how "the cookie crumbles", as PP said. Of course the first wives don't support this! There is literally no upside from their perspective.

Upside can be that their kids get a half sibling, but that's only desirable if they want it and if they don't already have a sibling.

It can be positive if the new wife compels the DH to be a better parent *to the older kids* but that's unusual. It's possible she'll pick up some of his slack though, at least at first. New wives are dumb like that.

In all of my years talking to people about their lives, I've never met someone who is close to their half-sibling if that half-sibling is 15+ years younger than them. At best, they end up like the "cool aunt" to those kids, but most often it's not even that.

I still feel like that's better than no sibling at all.