This is tough....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Look, Wife #2 (or however many) is likely to feel like she's compromising quite a bit just by entering this situation, and she might not want to compromise any more. She's accepting an older guy, which means skipping her thirties in a weird way, a higher chance of prolonged widowhood, going straight from parenting to eldercare, etc. And it's a little embarrassing if she feels like she failed to attract a same-age partner and her kids don't have the kind of energetic dad that other kids do. She's accepting stepkids-- their presence, but also planning stepkids into EVERY decision she and her husband make-- and an ex and all the logistical and financial complexity that comes with. And she might be accepting having less kids of her own than she wanted to-- and the risk of having no kids at all or having to use donor sperm. It's really a rare woman in her 30s who sees this situation as her first choice, because it's disadvantageous to her and her bio children, and there's a lot of tension and resource competition built in. This is likely to feel overwhelming and difficult to OP, and to his wife once she starts parenting, and they'll give the older kids less and less until the older kids disengage. This is how this goes-- it's not because the dad intends it to be this way, but this is how the cookie crumbles.

Just as this is short shrift for all the reasons described above for wife #2, it is similarly disadvantageous for wife #1. Again for all of these reasons. Fewer resources for the first kids, Dad is older, tired, and less available, second wife has her own feelings about Dad's attention. The poster upthread who "can't help but notice how older women" don't support OP is overly invested in painting women as shrews, and not spending a nanosecond thinking out how "the cookie crumbles", as PP said. Of course the first wives don't support this! There is literally no upside from their perspective.

Upside can be that their kids get a half sibling, but that's only desirable if they want it and if they don't already have a sibling.

It can be positive if the new wife compels the DH to be a better parent *to the older kids* but that's unusual. It's possible she'll pick up some of his slack though, at least at first. New wives are dumb like that.

In all of my years talking to people about their lives, I've never met someone who is close to their half-sibling if that half-sibling is 15+ years younger than them. At best, they end up like the "cool aunt" to those kids, but most often it's not even that.

I still feel like that's better than no sibling at all.

I think you might be in the minority on that feeling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Look, Wife #2 (or however many) is likely to feel like she's compromising quite a bit just by entering this situation, and she might not want to compromise any more. She's accepting an older guy, which means skipping her thirties in a weird way, a higher chance of prolonged widowhood, going straight from parenting to eldercare, etc. And it's a little embarrassing if she feels like she failed to attract a same-age partner and her kids don't have the kind of energetic dad that other kids do. She's accepting stepkids-- their presence, but also planning stepkids into EVERY decision she and her husband make-- and an ex and all the logistical and financial complexity that comes with. And she might be accepting having less kids of her own than she wanted to-- and the risk of having no kids at all or having to use donor sperm. It's really a rare woman in her 30s who sees this situation as her first choice, because it's disadvantageous to her and her bio children, and there's a lot of tension and resource competition built in. This is likely to feel overwhelming and difficult to OP, and to his wife once she starts parenting, and they'll give the older kids less and less until the older kids disengage. This is how this goes-- it's not because the dad intends it to be this way, but this is how the cookie crumbles.

Just as this is short shrift for all the reasons described above for wife #2, it is similarly disadvantageous for wife #1. Again for all of these reasons. Fewer resources for the first kids, Dad is older, tired, and less available, second wife has her own feelings about Dad's attention. The poster upthread who "can't help but notice how older women" don't support OP is overly invested in painting women as shrews, and not spending a nanosecond thinking out how "the cookie crumbles", as PP said. Of course the first wives don't support this! There is literally no upside from their perspective.

Upside can be that their kids get a half sibling, but that's only desirable if they want it and if they don't already have a sibling.

It can be positive if the new wife compels the DH to be a better parent *to the older kids* but that's unusual. It's possible she'll pick up some of his slack though, at least at first. New wives are dumb like that.

In all of my years talking to people about their lives, I've never met someone who is close to their half-sibling if that half-sibling is 15+ years younger than them. At best, they end up like the "cool aunt" to those kids, but most often it's not even that.

+1. I am 35 andy brother is 22. We barely talk and.when we talk sometimes it's awkward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is what a typical 30-something will expect of her husband:
- Time: especially when she has her first baby. She’ll expect you to be there for everything and love it as much as a first-time parent. Take your turns with late nights. Take paternity leave to take care of her and the baby. Keep a quiet house - under no circumstances should your teenagers invite other noisy teens over with a new baby.
- 50/50 parenting and housework: nothing and no one else will absolve you of your responsibility to do half. If you have something with older kids one night or weekend, be prepared to give her a night or weekend off, too.
- hanging out with other families with babies. Your wife will need to build a social network of friends in your new life stage. You need to be a part of it.
- Don’t shortchange your wife and new kids financially, physically, or emotionally.

If you're rational and love or care about the woman you're dating, you realize you can't meet her expectations and should get out of the way so she can find someone who doesn't already have kids and an ex-wife.

No wonder so many women in their 30s are still childless. And now I understand why more and more of them are going into their 40s still childless and single. And I agree with them by the way they should not compromise. I just hope they are not delusional by the few success stories they hear and think that the pool of potential men is big enough. At that age it's tough.

I agree with all the above. I know two families where dads had a second family with 1 (!!!) child only in their 50s with younger women. In both cases the men were millionaires paid for private schools and colleges of older kids etc. Even in these cases 1) one man only speaks to older kids via Zoom and they visit once a year max staying closer to mom and not wanting anywhere near his new wife and baby. The much younger wife screams at husband in public and scolds him for bad breath 2) in case 2 as soon as older kids went for college, the younger wife refused to host them at the newly purchased family house on college breaks

Not worth it in my humble opinion

Thanks for sharing this. It's so true. Very often people blame the men for abandoning their kids and so forth. But I'm reality in some cases the new wife is not innocent. Women can be very selfish as well. Some of these wives will promote an environment where the husband completely abandon his first family.

I have some sympathy for the second wife because she just wants what everyone else her age has, which is a household focused on the children they have together. But that's not what she's signing up for. She's signing up for a household where the older kids are going to have activities and expenses, will bring home illnesses, and will have lifestyles that are not amenable to naps, feeding schedules, and other baby focused pieces of the life she thinks she's getting.

So she starts to push for the baby to come first, which by default means the older kids will be pushed to the side.

All of this. Look, Wife #2 (or however many) is likely to feel like she's compromising quite a bit just by entering this situation, and she might not want to compromise any more. She's accepting an older guy, which means skipping her thirties in a weird way, a higher chance of prolonged widowhood, going straight from parenting to eldercare, etc. And it's a little embarrassing if she feels like she failed to attract a same-age partner and her kids don't have the kind of energetic dad that other kids do. She's accepting stepkids-- their presence, but also planning stepkids into EVERY decision she and her husband make-- and an ex and all the logistical and financial complexity that comes with. And she might be accepting having less kids of her own than she wanted to-- and the risk of having no kids at all or having to use donor sperm. It's really a rare woman in her 30s who sees this situation as her first choice, because it's disadvantageous to her and her bio children, and there's a lot of tension and resource competition built in. This is likely to feel overwhelming and difficult to OP, and to his wife once she starts parenting, and they'll give the older kids less and less until the older kids disengage. This is how this goes-- it's not because the dad intends it to be this way, but this is how the cookie crumbles.

OP, you are not a young man. By the time this baby is actually born you could be 50 or 51, and you'll feel a lot more tired than you currently do. And you are not a wealthy man. You already haven't saved that much for your kids' college. If you have another baby that will very seriously impact your ability to save any more. You say you "nor will I neglect" your children-- well is that really where you're setting the bar? Non-neglect? I just don't think you have your head around how expensive all of this is going to be. What would your budget look like after you pay for a wedding, baby, and baby's college fund?

She didn't have to wait into her 30s to finally have a child and marry. Women really over value themselves sometimes. You wait into your 30s and delusionally expect your dating pool to be the same. Nope sorry. The 30s guys are snapping the younger 20s gals. Sorry for the women I'm their 30s in some cases they sadly have to settle for the older and less attractive men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I have the same age difference in my marriage. Our second kid was born when DH was your age, If you’re going to do this, hurry up. You’ll be fine.

OP here thank you for sharing your experience. I'm 46 now and I won't make her wait. If our relationship continues the way it's been in the next 6 months I'll def propose to her. She is everything my ex wife wasn't.

You just posted that you gave “no intention to remarry” but if she wants to get married and have a kid you would.

Say what now? That’s not having no intention to marry dude.

And now you’re saying you’ll propose in 6 months!!

lol. Men.

Lol I am a man and I can kind of relate. When I met my now wife I proposed to her 6 months after we met. I was only 26 and I def didn't want to get married before I met her. We had things in common and a shared vision etc but I was really more about me morphing into what she liked and what she envisioned our future together to be like. I think women do more in depth thinking and don't rush to make big life decisions like marriage. I don't necessarily think men are stupid I see it more like men being impulsive and accepting whatever fallout that come out bad decisions they make.

I don't think you are wrong about relationships that begin in one's teens and twenties, but OP is in his forties! By that time, I would expect a man to have some sense of what he wants his personal life to look like. OP is clearly bouncing around with zero thought. He literally just met this woman and he's already thinking about proposing and having kids. That goes beyond the maturity gap between young adult men and young women, and suggests that he is in the "limerence" period of infatuation. That is a terrible head space in which to be making choices like whether or not to bring an entire child into the world.

I am 60 and I know 3 fellow 60 years old fiends of mine who proposed and got remarried in record time right after their divorce. I wish mla 40 years old man would make better decision than a 25 years old unfortunately that's not the case. When a man falls in love with a woman sometimes he loses all common sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is what a typical 30-something will expect of her husband:
- Time: especially when she has her first baby. She’ll expect you to be there for everything and love it as much as a first-time parent. Take your turns with late nights. Take paternity leave to take care of her and the baby. Keep a quiet house - under no circumstances should your teenagers invite other noisy teens over with a new baby.
- 50/50 parenting and housework: nothing and no one else will absolve you of your responsibility to do half. If you have something with older kids one night or weekend, be prepared to give her a night or weekend off, too.
- hanging out with other families with babies. Your wife will need to build a social network of friends in your new life stage. You need to be a part of it.
- Don’t shortchange your wife and new kids financially, physically, or emotionally.

If you're rational and love or care about the woman you're dating, you realize you can't meet her expectations and should get out of the way so she can find someone who doesn't already have kids and an ex-wife.

No wonder so many women in their 30s are still childless. And now I understand why more and more of them are going into their 40s still childless and single. And I agree with them by the way they should not compromise. I just hope they are not delusional by the few success stories they hear and think that the pool of potential men is big enough. At that age it's tough.

I agree with all the above. I know two families where dads had a second family with 1 (!!!) child only in their 50s with younger women. In both cases the men were millionaires paid for private schools and colleges of older kids etc. Even in these cases 1) one man only speaks to older kids via Zoom and they visit once a year max staying closer to mom and not wanting anywhere near his new wife and baby. The much younger wife screams at husband in public and scolds him for bad breath 2) in case 2 as soon as older kids went for college, the younger wife refused to host them at the newly purchased family house on college breaks

Not worth it in my humble opinion

Thanks for sharing this. It's so true. Very often people blame the men for abandoning their kids and so forth. But I'm reality in some cases the new wife is not innocent. Women can be very selfish as well. Some of these wives will promote an environment where the husband completely abandon his first family.

I have some sympathy for the second wife because she just wants what everyone else her age has, which is a household focused on the children they have together. But that's not what she's signing up for. She's signing up for a household where the older kids are going to have activities and expenses, will bring home illnesses, and will have lifestyles that are not amenable to naps, feeding schedules, and other baby focused pieces of the life she thinks she's getting.

So she starts to push for the baby to come first, which by default means the older kids will be pushed to the side.

All of this. Look, Wife #2 (or however many) is likely to feel like she's compromising quite a bit just by entering this situation, and she might not want to compromise any more. She's accepting an older guy, which means skipping her thirties in a weird way, a higher chance of prolonged widowhood, going straight from parenting to eldercare, etc. And it's a little embarrassing if she feels like she failed to attract a same-age partner and her kids don't have the kind of energetic dad that other kids do. She's accepting stepkids-- their presence, but also planning stepkids into EVERY decision she and her husband make-- and an ex and all the logistical and financial complexity that comes with. And she might be accepting having less kids of her own than she wanted to-- and the risk of having no kids at all or having to use donor sperm. It's really a rare woman in her 30s who sees this situation as her first choice, because it's disadvantageous to her and her bio children, and there's a lot of tension and resource competition built in. This is likely to feel overwhelming and difficult to OP, and to his wife once she starts parenting, and they'll give the older kids less and less until the older kids disengage. This is how this goes-- it's not because the dad intends it to be this way, but this is how the cookie crumbles.

OP, you are not a young man. By the time this baby is actually born you could be 50 or 51, and you'll feel a lot more tired than you currently do. And you are not a wealthy man. You already haven't saved that much for your kids' college. If you have another baby that will very seriously impact your ability to save any more. You say you "nor will I neglect" your children-- well is that really where you're setting the bar? Non-neglect? I just don't think you have your head around how expensive all of this is going to be. What would your budget look like after you pay for a wedding, baby, and baby's college fund?

She didn't have to wait into her 30s to finally have a child and marry. Women really over value themselves sometimes. You wait into your 30s and delusionally expect your dating pool to be the same. Nope sorry. The 30s guys are snapping the younger 20s gals. Sorry for the women I'm their 30s in some cases they sadly have to settle for the older and less attractive men.

Oh please, women in their mid-30s get married to same-age men all the time. And even if the woman were over-valuing herself, OP is not necessarily going to be that appealing even to a 34-year-old. 1) He's 46-- she can probably find someone within 10 years of her age and yes that makes a difference. 2) He has two kids who are still pretty young and dependent. 3) He doesn't actually want this baby, he's just agreeing to it to get the wife--this is really bad because he's going to really struggle to carry the parenting load here. 4) He's not wealthy and that's the one thing that can make this feasible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is what a typical 30-something will expect of her husband:
- Time: especially when she has her first baby. She’ll expect you to be there for everything and love it as much as a first-time parent. Take your turns with late nights. Take paternity leave to take care of her and the baby. Keep a quiet house - under no circumstances should your teenagers invite other noisy teens over with a new baby.
- 50/50 parenting and housework: nothing and no one else will absolve you of your responsibility to do half. If you have something with older kids one night or weekend, be prepared to give her a night or weekend off, too.
- hanging out with other families with babies. Your wife will need to build a social network of friends in your new life stage. You need to be a part of it.
- Don’t shortchange your wife and new kids financially, physically, or emotionally.

If you're rational and love or care about the woman you're dating, you realize you can't meet her expectations and should get out of the way so she can find someone who doesn't already have kids and an ex-wife.

No wonder so many women in their 30s are still childless. And now I understand why more and more of them are going into their 40s still childless and single. And I agree with them by the way they should not compromise. I just hope they are not delusional by the few success stories they hear and think that the pool of potential men is big enough. At that age it's tough.

I agree with all the above. I know two families where dads had a second family with 1 (!!!) child only in their 50s with younger women. In both cases the men were millionaires paid for private schools and colleges of older kids etc. Even in these cases 1) one man only speaks to older kids via Zoom and they visit once a year max staying closer to mom and not wanting anywhere near his new wife and baby. The much younger wife screams at husband in public and scolds him for bad breath 2) in case 2 as soon as older kids went for college, the younger wife refused to host them at the newly purchased family house on college breaks

Not worth it in my humble opinion

Thanks for sharing this. It's so true. Very often people blame the men for abandoning their kids and so forth. But I'm reality in some cases the new wife is not innocent. Women can be very selfish as well. Some of these wives will promote an environment where the husband completely abandon his first family.

I have some sympathy for the second wife because she just wants what everyone else her age has, which is a household focused on the children they have together. But that's not what she's signing up for. She's signing up for a household where the older kids are going to have activities and expenses, will bring home illnesses, and will have lifestyles that are not amenable to naps, feeding schedules, and other baby focused pieces of the life she thinks she's getting.

So she starts to push for the baby to come first, which by default means the older kids will be pushed to the side.

All of this. Look, Wife #2 (or however many) is likely to feel like she's compromising quite a bit just by entering this situation, and she might not want to compromise any more. She's accepting an older guy, which means skipping her thirties in a weird way, a higher chance of prolonged widowhood, going straight from parenting to eldercare, etc. And it's a little embarrassing if she feels like she failed to attract a same-age partner and her kids don't have the kind of energetic dad that other kids do. She's accepting stepkids-- their presence, but also planning stepkids into EVERY decision she and her husband make-- and an ex and all the logistical and financial complexity that comes with. And she might be accepting having less kids of her own than she wanted to-- and the risk of having no kids at all or having to use donor sperm. It's really a rare woman in her 30s who sees this situation as her first choice, because it's disadvantageous to her and her bio children, and there's a lot of tension and resource competition built in. This is likely to feel overwhelming and difficult to OP, and to his wife once she starts parenting, and they'll give the older kids less and less until the older kids disengage. This is how this goes-- it's not because the dad intends it to be this way, but this is how the cookie crumbles.

OP, you are not a young man. By the time this baby is actually born you could be 50 or 51, and you'll feel a lot more tired than you currently do. And you are not a wealthy man. You already haven't saved that much for your kids' college. If you have another baby that will very seriously impact your ability to save any more. You say you "nor will I neglect" your children-- well is that really where you're setting the bar? Non-neglect? I just don't think you have your head around how expensive all of this is going to be. What would your budget look like after you pay for a wedding, baby, and baby's college fund?

She didn't have to wait into her 30s to finally have a child and marry. Women really over value themselves sometimes. You wait into your 30s and delusionally expect your dating pool to be the same. Nope sorry. The 30s guys are snapping the younger 20s gals. Sorry for the women I'm their 30s in some cases they sadly have to settle for the older and less attractive men.

Oh please, women in their mid-30s get married to same-age men all the time. And even if the woman were over-valuing herself, OP is not necessarily going to be that appealing even to a 34-year-old. 1) He's 46-- she can probably find someone within 10 years of her age and yes that makes a difference. 2) He has two kids who are still pretty young and dependent. 3) He doesn't actually want this baby, he's just agreeing to it to get the wife--this is really bad because he's going to really struggle to carry the parenting load here. 4) He's not wealthy and that's the one thing that can make this feasible.

Incorrect. Most mid 30s women do not get married to mid 30s men. The men they marry are older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is what a typical 30-something will expect of her husband:
- Time: especially when she has her first baby. She’ll expect you to be there for everything and love it as much as a first-time parent. Take your turns with late nights. Take paternity leave to take care of her and the baby. Keep a quiet house - under no circumstances should your teenagers invite other noisy teens over with a new baby.
- 50/50 parenting and housework: nothing and no one else will absolve you of your responsibility to do half. If you have something with older kids one night or weekend, be prepared to give her a night or weekend off, too.
- hanging out with other families with babies. Your wife will need to build a social network of friends in your new life stage. You need to be a part of it.
- Don’t shortchange your wife and new kids financially, physically, or emotionally.

If you're rational and love or care about the woman you're dating, you realize you can't meet her expectations and should get out of the way so she can find someone who doesn't already have kids and an ex-wife.

No wonder so many women in their 30s are still childless. And now I understand why more and more of them are going into their 40s still childless and single. And I agree with them by the way they should not compromise. I just hope they are not delusional by the few success stories they hear and think that the pool of potential men is big enough. At that age it's tough.

I agree with all the above. I know two families where dads had a second family with 1 (!!!) child only in their 50s with younger women. In both cases the men were millionaires paid for private schools and colleges of older kids etc. Even in these cases 1) one man only speaks to older kids via Zoom and they visit once a year max staying closer to mom and not wanting anywhere near his new wife and baby. The much younger wife screams at husband in public and scolds him for bad breath 2) in case 2 as soon as older kids went for college, the younger wife refused to host them at the newly purchased family house on college breaks

Not worth it in my humble opinion

Thanks for sharing this. It's so true. Very often people blame the men for abandoning their kids and so forth. But I'm reality in some cases the new wife is not innocent. Women can be very selfish as well. Some of these wives will promote an environment where the husband completely abandon his first family.

I have some sympathy for the second wife because she just wants what everyone else her age has, which is a household focused on the children they have together. But that's not what she's signing up for. She's signing up for a household where the older kids are going to have activities and expenses, will bring home illnesses, and will have lifestyles that are not amenable to naps, feeding schedules, and other baby focused pieces of the life she thinks she's getting.

So she starts to push for the baby to come first, which by default means the older kids will be pushed to the side.

All of this. Look, Wife #2 (or however many) is likely to feel like she's compromising quite a bit just by entering this situation, and she might not want to compromise any more. She's accepting an older guy, which means skipping her thirties in a weird way, a higher chance of prolonged widowhood, going straight from parenting to eldercare, etc. And it's a little embarrassing if she feels like she failed to attract a same-age partner and her kids don't have the kind of energetic dad that other kids do. She's accepting stepkids-- their presence, but also planning stepkids into EVERY decision she and her husband make-- and an ex and all the logistical and financial complexity that comes with. And she might be accepting having less kids of her own than she wanted to-- and the risk of having no kids at all or having to use donor sperm. It's really a rare woman in her 30s who sees this situation as her first choice, because it's disadvantageous to her and her bio children, and there's a lot of tension and resource competition built in. This is likely to feel overwhelming and difficult to OP, and to his wife once she starts parenting, and they'll give the older kids less and less until the older kids disengage. This is how this goes-- it's not because the dad intends it to be this way, but this is how the cookie crumbles.

OP, you are not a young man. By the time this baby is actually born you could be 50 or 51, and you'll feel a lot more tired than you currently do. And you are not a wealthy man. You already haven't saved that much for your kids' college. If you have another baby that will very seriously impact your ability to save any more. You say you "nor will I neglect" your children-- well is that really where you're setting the bar? Non-neglect? I just don't think you have your head around how expensive all of this is going to be. What would your budget look like after you pay for a wedding, baby, and baby's college fund?

She didn't have to wait into her 30s to finally have a child and marry. Women really over value themselves sometimes. You wait into your 30s and delusionally expect your dating pool to be the same. Nope sorry. The 30s guys are snapping the younger 20s gals. Sorry for the women I'm their 30s in some cases they sadly have to settle for the older and less attractive men.

Oh please, women in their mid-30s get married to same-age men all the time. And even if the woman were over-valuing herself, OP is not necessarily going to be that appealing even to a 34-year-old. 1) He's 46-- she can probably find someone within 10 years of her age and yes that makes a difference. 2) He has two kids who are still pretty young and dependent. 3) He doesn't actually want this baby, he's just agreeing to it to get the wife--this is really bad because he's going to really struggle to carry the parenting load here. 4) He's not wealthy and that's the one thing that can make this feasible.

Incorrect. Most mid 30s women do not get married to mid 30s men. The men they marry are older.

Cite?

Please explain how many mid-30s women marry men 12 years older who are not wealthy, already have children, and do not truly want more children.

[Anonymous]

Upside can be that their kids get a half sibling, but that's only desirable if they want it and if they don't already have a sibling.

It can be positive if the new wife compels the DH to be a better parent *to the older kids* but that's unusual. It's possible she'll pick up some of his slack though, at least at first. New wives are dumb like that.

So in your scenario, an upside occurs in the following scenario: kid from first marriage doesn't have a sibling (and wants another with a stepmom in tow), new wife somehow is invested in her DH paying *more* attention to the kids he already has, and if he doesn't she'll "pick up the slack", and stepkids are cool with it.

As someone who grew up in a blended family, the answer is no. None of this happens.

It doesn't have to be a disaster (and wasn't for us, but "non-ideal" is a pretty accurate description), but you're really grasping here.

[Anonymous]

OP please don't do it. Your ex wife may turn into a crazy raging animal that will make Co-parenting hell if she finds out that you are going to remarry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is what a typical 30-something will expect of her husband:
- Time: especially when she has her first baby. She’ll expect you to be there for everything and love it as much as a first-time parent. Take your turns with late nights. Take paternity leave to take care of her and the baby. Keep a quiet house - under no circumstances should your teenagers invite other noisy teens over with a new baby.
- 50/50 parenting and housework: nothing and no one else will absolve you of your responsibility to do half. If you have something with older kids one night or weekend, be prepared to give her a night or weekend off, too.
- hanging out with other families with babies. Your wife will need to build a social network of friends in your new life stage. You need to be a part of it.
- Don’t shortchange your wife and new kids financially, physically, or emotionally.

If you're rational and love or care about the woman you're dating, you realize you can't meet her expectations and should get out of the way so she can find someone who doesn't already have kids and an ex-wife.

No wonder so many women in their 30s are still childless. And now I understand why more and more of them are going into their 40s still childless and single. And I agree with them by the way they should not compromise. I just hope they are not delusional by the few success stories they hear and think that the pool of potential men is big enough. At that age it's tough.

I agree with all the above. I know two families where dads had a second family with 1 (!!!) child only in their 50s with younger women. In both cases the men were millionaires paid for private schools and colleges of older kids etc. Even in these cases 1) one man only speaks to older kids via Zoom and they visit once a year max staying closer to mom and not wanting anywhere near his new wife and baby. The much younger wife screams at husband in public and scolds him for bad breath 2) in case 2 as soon as older kids went for college, the younger wife refused to host them at the newly purchased family house on college breaks

Not worth it in my humble opinion

Thanks for sharing this. It's so true. Very often people blame the men for abandoning their kids and so forth. But I'm reality in some cases the new wife is not innocent. Women can be very selfish as well. Some of these wives will promote an environment where the husband completely abandon his first family.

I have some sympathy for the second wife because she just wants what everyone else her age has, which is a household focused on the children they have together. But that's not what she's signing up for. She's signing up for a household where the older kids are going to have activities and expenses, will bring home illnesses, and will have lifestyles that are not amenable to naps, feeding schedules, and other baby focused pieces of the life she thinks she's getting.

So she starts to push for the baby to come first, which by default means the older kids will be pushed to the side.

All of this. Look, Wife #2 (or however many) is likely to feel like she's compromising quite a bit just by entering this situation, and she might not want to compromise any more. She's accepting an older guy, which means skipping her thirties in a weird way, a higher chance of prolonged widowhood, going straight from parenting to eldercare, etc. And it's a little embarrassing if she feels like she failed to attract a same-age partner and her kids don't have the kind of energetic dad that other kids do. She's accepting stepkids-- their presence, but also planning stepkids into EVERY decision she and her husband make-- and an ex and all the logistical and financial complexity that comes with. And she might be accepting having less kids of her own than she wanted to-- and the risk of having no kids at all or having to use donor sperm. It's really a rare woman in her 30s who sees this situation as her first choice, because it's disadvantageous to her and her bio children, and there's a lot of tension and resource competition built in. This is likely to feel overwhelming and difficult to OP, and to his wife once she starts parenting, and they'll give the older kids less and less until the older kids disengage. This is how this goes-- it's not because the dad intends it to be this way, but this is how the cookie crumbles.

OP, you are not a young man. By the time this baby is actually born you could be 50 or 51, and you'll feel a lot more tired than you currently do. And you are not a wealthy man. You already haven't saved that much for your kids' college. If you have another baby that will very seriously impact your ability to save any more. You say you "nor will I neglect" your children-- well is that really where you're setting the bar? Non-neglect? I just don't think you have your head around how expensive all of this is going to be. What would your budget look like after you pay for a wedding, baby, and baby's college fund?

She didn't have to wait into her 30s to finally have a child and marry. Women really over value themselves sometimes. You wait into your 30s and delusionally expect your dating pool to be the same. Nope sorry. The 30s guys are snapping the younger 20s gals. Sorry for the women I'm their 30s in some cases they sadly have to settle for the older and less attractive men.

Oh please, women in their mid-30s get married to same-age men all the time. And even if the woman were over-valuing herself, OP is not necessarily going to be that appealing even to a 34-year-old. 1) He's 46-- she can probably find someone within 10 years of her age and yes that makes a difference. 2) He has two kids who are still pretty young and dependent. 3) He doesn't actually want this baby, he's just agreeing to it to get the wife--this is really bad because he's going to really struggle to carry the parenting load here. 4) He's not wealthy and that's the one thing that can make this feasible.

Incorrect. Most mid 30s women do not get married to mid 30s men. The men they marry are older.

Cite?

Please explain how many mid-30s women marry men 12 years older who are not wealthy, already have children, and do not truly want more children.

These mid-30s women settle for older divorced men all the time. Men in the mid-30s who don't have children yet avoid them at all cost. They know their fertility window is closing and don't want to take that risk. There is a good supply of 26-30 year old women out there. Older men will take the risk on mid-30s women because they no longer have the pressure to have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is what a typical 30-something will expect of her husband:
- Time: especially when she has her first baby. She’ll expect you to be there for everything and love it as much as a first-time parent. Take your turns with late nights. Take paternity leave to take care of her and the baby. Keep a quiet house - under no circumstances should your teenagers invite other noisy teens over with a new baby.
- 50/50 parenting and housework: nothing and no one else will absolve you of your responsibility to do half. If you have something with older kids one night or weekend, be prepared to give her a night or weekend off, too.
- hanging out with other families with babies. Your wife will need to build a social network of friends in your new life stage. You need to be a part of it.
- Don’t shortchange your wife and new kids financially, physically, or emotionally.

If you're rational and love or care about the woman you're dating, you realize you can't meet her expectations and should get out of the way so she can find someone who doesn't already have kids and an ex-wife.

No wonder so many women in their 30s are still childless. And now I understand why more and more of them are going into their 40s still childless and single. And I agree with them by the way they should not compromise. I just hope they are not delusional by the few success stories they hear and think that the pool of potential men is big enough. At that age it's tough.

I agree with all the above. I know two families where dads had a second family with 1 (!!!) child only in their 50s with younger women. In both cases the men were millionaires paid for private schools and colleges of older kids etc. Even in these cases 1) one man only speaks to older kids via Zoom and they visit once a year max staying closer to mom and not wanting anywhere near his new wife and baby. The much younger wife screams at husband in public and scolds him for bad breath 2) in case 2 as soon as older kids went for college, the younger wife refused to host them at the newly purchased family house on college breaks

Not worth it in my humble opinion

Thanks for sharing this. It's so true. Very often people blame the men for abandoning their kids and so forth. But I'm reality in some cases the new wife is not innocent. Women can be very selfish as well. Some of these wives will promote an environment where the husband completely abandon his first family.

I have some sympathy for the second wife because she just wants what everyone else her age has, which is a household focused on the children they have together. But that's not what she's signing up for. She's signing up for a household where the older kids are going to have activities and expenses, will bring home illnesses, and will have lifestyles that are not amenable to naps, feeding schedules, and other baby focused pieces of the life she thinks she's getting.

So she starts to push for the baby to come first, which by default means the older kids will be pushed to the side.

All of this. Look, Wife #2 (or however many) is likely to feel like she's compromising quite a bit just by entering this situation, and she might not want to compromise any more. She's accepting an older guy, which means skipping her thirties in a weird way, a higher chance of prolonged widowhood, going straight from parenting to eldercare, etc. And it's a little embarrassing if she feels like she failed to attract a same-age partner and her kids don't have the kind of energetic dad that other kids do. She's accepting stepkids-- their presence, but also planning stepkids into EVERY decision she and her husband make-- and an ex and all the logistical and financial complexity that comes with. And she might be accepting having less kids of her own than she wanted to-- and the risk of having no kids at all or having to use donor sperm. It's really a rare woman in her 30s who sees this situation as her first choice, because it's disadvantageous to her and her bio children, and there's a lot of tension and resource competition built in. This is likely to feel overwhelming and difficult to OP, and to his wife once she starts parenting, and they'll give the older kids less and less until the older kids disengage. This is how this goes-- it's not because the dad intends it to be this way, but this is how the cookie crumbles.

OP, you are not a young man. By the time this baby is actually born you could be 50 or 51, and you'll feel a lot more tired than you currently do. And you are not a wealthy man. You already haven't saved that much for your kids' college. If you have another baby that will very seriously impact your ability to save any more. You say you "nor will I neglect" your children-- well is that really where you're setting the bar? Non-neglect? I just don't think you have your head around how expensive all of this is going to be. What would your budget look like after you pay for a wedding, baby, and baby's college fund?

She didn't have to wait into her 30s to finally have a child and marry. Women really over value themselves sometimes. You wait into your 30s and delusionally expect your dating pool to be the same. Nope sorry. The 30s guys are snapping the younger 20s gals. Sorry for the women I'm their 30s in some cases they sadly have to settle for the older and less attractive men.

Oh please, women in their mid-30s get married to same-age men all the time. And even if the woman were over-valuing herself, OP is not necessarily going to be that appealing even to a 34-year-old. 1) He's 46-- she can probably find someone within 10 years of her age and yes that makes a difference. 2) He has two kids who are still pretty young and dependent. 3) He doesn't actually want this baby, he's just agreeing to it to get the wife--this is really bad because he's going to really struggle to carry the parenting load here. 4) He's not wealthy and that's the one thing that can make this feasible.

Incorrect. Most mid 30s women do not get married to mid 30s men. The men they marry are older.

Cite?

Please explain how many mid-30s women marry men 12 years older who are not wealthy, already have children, and do not truly want more children.

These mid-30s women settle for older divorced men all the time. Men in the mid-30s who don't have children yet avoid them at all cost. They know their fertility window is closing and don't want to take that risk. There is a good supply of 26-30 year old women out there. Older men will take the risk on mid-30s women because they no longer have the pressure to have children.

You are wrong: most women in that age group marry within 3 years of their own age. They might date older guys of course for nice dating experiences

[Anonymous]

I think that having a child around the age of fifty (give or take a year or two) is unfair to the child in many ways.

Since life expectancy is around 80, then there is a chance that you may not be around to be a suitable Grandparent when your child has their own offspring.
Also you will tire easily running after a toddler too.

I am fifty-five + cannot even imagine having a young child at this stage of my life to care for.
My youngest is now 32 which works for me happily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You'd be a better dad because you will have more patience, and you have the wisdom of your years - you wouldn't worry about what other people think of your parenting, you wouldn't freak at how the baby always looks to the right, or goes through a phase of only liking white foods, or whatever else. Sure, you could be a good dad at 50.

Plus more exhausted and impatient likely.

Actually, on the contrary, he will be a less patient dad at 50 and he was at 40.

[Anonymous]

I have one 20-yr-old child and I'm divorced from his dad. Here's how it works: In 2-3 years, the typical highly educated and financially successful DC parent is taking their HS junior around the country on college visits. One year after that, you'll be expected to write a check for anywhere between $50-$90K each year for the following four years of college. You need to be available to fly out to help them if something comes up. Could be anything. Mine broke his arm really badly freshman year and needed major surgery and titanium rods inserted. It was a long recovery. Then two years later, your 14-yr-old will need the same things. And it looks like you'll be paying for two college tuitions at the same time for two years. During this exact same time, you'll be welcoming a brand new baby into the household with a mom for whom this is her first child ever. Remember how confused and bumbling you and your ex were when you brought that tiny infant home? THAT is what you'll be dealing with at the same time that your college kids most need your time and money. Don't forget that daycare costs about as much as public college these days. And it's really not the money that is hardest. It's the emotional labor that your kids require as they apply to colleges and embark on their transition to young adulthood. Oh, and in the meantime, they've got to get through their teen years without too much drama or long term consequences of bad choices. How is your new wife going to feel about you dashing off to be a good dad to your first family while she's struggling with the infant? It's already awkward to have the two bio parents on campus for Family Weekend, so forget throwing your second wife into the mix.

I'd also suggest telling your kids that their inheritance, which used to be 50% of your estate, will not be reduced to 33%. It might shrink even more if she talks you into having two kids with her. Oh, actually, the kids are only getting some percentage of what you don't leave to your second wife. They won't even get their original 50% each.

I would give this same advice to women as well as men. A few months ago I wrote a post about how divorced dads (with unlaunched kids) need to leave the never married and childless women alone.

Google "stepparents" and you'll find dozens of online support groups where people (usually the no kids never married women) lament their decision to marry a divorced dad. These blended families are a hot mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have one 20-yr-old child and I'm divorced from his dad. Here's how it works: In 2-3 years, the typical highly educated and financially successful DC parent is taking their HS junior around the country on college visits. One year after that, you'll be expected to write a check for anywhere between $50-$90K each year for the following four years of college. You need to be available to fly out to help them if something comes up. Could be anything. Mine broke his arm really badly freshman year and needed major surgery and titanium rods inserted. It was a long recovery. Then two years later, your 14-yr-old will need the same things. And it looks like you'll be paying for two college tuitions at the same time for two years. During this exact same time, you'll be welcoming a brand new baby into the household with a mom for whom this is her first child ever. Remember how confused and bumbling you and your ex were when you brought that tiny infant home? THAT is what you'll be dealing with at the same time that your college kids most need your time and money. Don't forget that daycare costs about as much as public college these days. And it's really not the money that is hardest. It's the emotional labor that your kids require as they apply to colleges and embark on their transition to young adulthood. Oh, and in the meantime, they've got to get through their teen years without too much drama or long term consequences of bad choices. How is your new wife going to feel about you dashing off to be a good dad to your first family while she's struggling with the infant? It's already awkward to have the two bio parents on campus for Family Weekend, so forget throwing your second wife into the mix.

I'd also suggest telling your kids that their inheritance, which used to be 50% of your estate, will not be reduced to 33%. It might shrink even more if she talks you into having two kids with her. Oh, actually, the kids are only getting some percentage of what you don't leave to your second wife. They won't even get their original 50% each.

I would give this same advice to women as well as men. A few months ago I wrote a post about how divorced dads (with unlaunched kids) need to leave the never married and childless women alone.

Google "stepparents" and you'll find dozens of online support groups where people (usually the no kids never married women) lament their decision to marry a divorced dad. These blended families are a hot mess.

All of this, 100%. Don't think for a moment that parenting a college age child or young adult isn't time-consuming and expensive. Things come up. Even the really good things like becoming a grandparent are time-consuming and expensive.

And yes, they will likely end up with basically no inheritance. Unless the new wife is wealthy or inherits a lot from her side. OP does not have enough money to fund three kids, his wife's retirement when she outlives him, and anything left over. If OP's kids don't understand this as teens, they'll catch on as young adults. They may not feel they have any right to bring it up or object to it, but it won't make them love their stepmother more.