Happy affair stories

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t get to unilaterally destroy someone else’s family in the name of “the truth”.

There is nuance to life and love and truth. There is no one truth. Cheating is wrong, but good people don’t try to take down as many people as possible with them once they learn they are doomed. If any of you were faced with the actual truth every day of your lives, you would have a mental breakdown.

I appreciate you going down with the ship of your poor logic here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, yes. I had an affair for 7 and a half years. Not discovered by his wife nor my husband. AP and I are still friends, and we're each still with our spouses. I am now faithful to my husband. Affair got us both through rough times. So glad I didn't divorce. Good luck!

It could still come out. You were one person in a two person affair. Friend accidentally discovered her DH ONS, one thing lead to another and she also uncovered long affair he had with a “friend”. He doesn’t know she knows and she is planning to inform AP husband with proof but is giving it time. I’m trying to talk her out of it since it won’t improve her own situation and there are others involved she would hurt. At least all the kids are grown but now I have anxiety over this! Also I’m not sure you considering yourself faithful now really counts.

People are individuals. It always amuses me when people try to shame a betrayed spouse into keeping their secrets. I mean, if you didn't want your spouse to know you are a cheater, I guess you shouldn't cheat. But, to then shame and belittle a person that was a victim of this from sharing this almost decade long affair as if she's the bad person in this scenario is just absurd. She will do what she needs to do for closure. And a person that was banging her husband for 7 years really doesn't matter to her, just like she didn't matter to the ap.

I’m not trying to shame her. I try to be a sounding board mainly. I see that it has destroyed her and she may elect to bring this upon another person. Will the revenge really be sweet or will she feel worse when it’s done. I’m concerned about her.

DP. I will say it feels really, really good to get that off your chest. No more feeling like a victim. Done and dusted.

Absolutely not. It's disgusting to tell the other spouse. There's a very good chance he wouldn't want to know. I wouldn't want some btch getting in my business if my DH stepped out. If it was over and he's not running away with her, you just seem completely psychotic. It's not "doing the right thing", it's bringing everyone else down with you. Just stay out of it.

There is no symmetry here bc men and women do not react the same way to this kind of news. Women forgive and stay married usually for money stability intact family. Men OTOH go ballistic can become violent and usually divorce their cheating lying spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, yes. I had an affair for 7 and a half years. Not discovered by his wife nor my husband. AP and I are still friends, and we're each still with our spouses. I am now faithful to my husband. Affair got us both through rough times. So glad I didn't divorce. Good luck!

It could still come out. You were one person in a two person affair. Friend accidentally discovered her DH ONS, one thing lead to another and she also uncovered long affair he had with a “friend”. He doesn’t know she knows and she is planning to inform AP husband with proof but is giving it time. I’m trying to talk her out of it since it won’t improve her own situation and there are others involved she would hurt. At least all the kids are grown but now I have anxiety over this! Also I’m not sure you considering yourself faithful now really counts.

People are individuals. It always amuses me when people try to shame a betrayed spouse into keeping their secrets. I mean, if you didn't want your spouse to know you are a cheater, I guess you shouldn't cheat. But, to then shame and belittle a person that was a victim of this from sharing this almost decade long affair as if she's the bad person in this scenario is just absurd. She will do what she needs to do for closure. And a person that was banging her husband for 7 years really doesn't matter to her, just like she didn't matter to the ap.

I’m not trying to shame her. I try to be a sounding board mainly. I see that it has destroyed her and she may elect to bring this upon another person. Will the revenge really be sweet or will she feel worse when it’s done. I’m concerned about her.

DP. I will say it feels really, really good to get that off your chest. No more feeling like a victim. Done and dusted.

Absolutely not. It's disgusting to tell the other spouse. There's a very good chance he wouldn't want to know. I wouldn't want some btch getting in my business if my DH stepped out. If it was over and he's not running away with her, you just seem completely psychotic. It's not "doing the right thing", it's bringing everyone else down with you. Just stay out of it.

This is some weird "blame the messenger" energy. The people who are disgusting and getting into other people's business are the ones pretending they're being monogamous to their partners when they're not. Being told the truth so you can reclaim your autonomy is a necessary step to begin righting all the wrongs the cheaters foisted onto their betrayed partners. Don't distract from the real issues by claiming that telling the truth is bad thing here.

Except it is. Two wrongs don’t make a right. That’s like saying “you must exert control and hurt other people because you were hurt.” Black and white thinking has no place in real relationships. If you were screwing my DH, please don’t tell me.

If you have a "don't ask, don't tell" marriage, then make sure that's clear with your spouse. That isn't the standard by any means . . . my husband had an affair, and believe me I want/ed to know. More importantly, I had a right to know the facts of my own life so I could give informed consent. No one has a right to take that away from me. It's the person doing this . . . the cheater . . . who is exerting control.

Again, if you have some kind of "head in the sand" philosophy, like you don't want to know if you have cancer so you can die blissfully ignorant, OK, but that's just you and your avoidant personality. That doesn't mean that it's wrong to give people information about their health. The cancer is the evil. The affair is the evil. Telling someone the truth so they can treat or remove the cancer is the right thing to do. We shouldn't let people be harmed just because they might be an avoidant person who couldn't handle being told.

Not the PP you're responding to, but this makes no sense, as I'm sure you recognize. You are imposing this information on another person who might not want it. You wanted to know, which is your right. But someone else not wanting to know doesn't make her "avoidant", and your sweeping away her wishes because you can't see any other outlook is just solipsistic.

I wouldn't tell if I were in that situation because I don't like to inflict pain on others. Yes, the cheater ultimately bears that responsibility, but I can limit that pain by holding back, even though I might want to lash out.

[Anonymous]

This logic is basically . . .

The bad thing wasn't that I robbed the bank. The bad thing is that you called the cops on me . . .

The bad thing wasn't that I beat you up. The bad thing was that you went to the hospital and let them investigate what happened . . .

The bad thing wasn't that I spent all of our joint funds on gambling. The bad thing is that you didn't keep it quiet so I could keep my reputation intact . . .


If you read OW forums you see that they post about the innocent/unsuspecting BW as much as they post about the MM and their "relationship." It's as much about the triangulation and the competition as it is about the warm fuzzy feelings. And look I get it . . . there's a real biological drive to "mate poach." Alpha males are probably already taken so their established mates need to be ousted in order to secure someone of high standing. It makes sense that the primitive part of your brain would go there. But don't try to dress it up with pretzel logic to turn "doing whatever you want because it feels good" into some kind of moral imperative. Just own that you did it because you could and it felt good and you didn't care about hurting anyone else because you just manipulate others until they stop whining to you about their hurt feelings. And if you get exposed for who you are, then at least have the spine to stand tall and say, yeah, I did that. Don't cry, "The BW snitched on me and that's vengeful and psychotic!" because if those terms apply to her then much, much worse applies to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, yes. I had an affair for 7 and a half years. Not discovered by his wife nor my husband. AP and I are still friends, and we're each still with our spouses. I am now faithful to my husband. Affair got us both through rough times. So glad I didn't divorce. Good luck!

It could still come out. You were one person in a two person affair. Friend accidentally discovered her DH ONS, one thing lead to another and she also uncovered long affair he had with a “friend”. He doesn’t know she knows and she is planning to inform AP husband with proof but is giving it time. I’m trying to talk her out of it since it won’t improve her own situation and there are others involved she would hurt. At least all the kids are grown but now I have anxiety over this! Also I’m not sure you considering yourself faithful now really counts.

People are individuals. It always amuses me when people try to shame a betrayed spouse into keeping their secrets. I mean, if you didn't want your spouse to know you are a cheater, I guess you shouldn't cheat. But, to then shame and belittle a person that was a victim of this from sharing this almost decade long affair as if she's the bad person in this scenario is just absurd. She will do what she needs to do for closure. And a person that was banging her husband for 7 years really doesn't matter to her, just like she didn't matter to the ap.

I’m not trying to shame her. I try to be a sounding board mainly. I see that it has destroyed her and she may elect to bring this upon another person. Will the revenge really be sweet or will she feel worse when it’s done. I’m concerned about her.

DP. I will say it feels really, really good to get that off your chest. No more feeling like a victim. Done and dusted.

Absolutely not. It's disgusting to tell the other spouse. There's a very good chance he wouldn't want to know. I wouldn't want some btch getting in my business if my DH stepped out. If it was over and he's not running away with her, you just seem completely psychotic. It's not "doing the right thing", it's bringing everyone else down with you. Just stay out of it.

This is some weird "blame the messenger" energy. The people who are disgusting and getting into other people's business are the ones pretending they're being monogamous to their partners when they're not. Being told the truth so you can reclaim your autonomy is a necessary step to begin righting all the wrongs the cheaters foisted onto their betrayed partners. Don't distract from the real issues by claiming that telling the truth is bad thing here.

Except it is. Two wrongs don’t make a right. That’s like saying “you must exert control and hurt other people because you were hurt.” Black and white thinking has no place in real relationships. If you were screwing my DH, please don’t tell me.

If you have a "don't ask, don't tell" marriage, then make sure that's clear with your spouse. That isn't the standard by any means . . . my husband had an affair, and believe me I want/ed to know. More importantly, I had a right to know the facts of my own life so I could give informed consent. No one has a right to take that away from me. It's the person doing this . . . the cheater . . . who is exerting control.

Again, if you have some kind of "head in the sand" philosophy, like you don't want to know if you have cancer so you can die blissfully ignorant, OK, but that's just you and your avoidant personality. That doesn't mean that it's wrong to give people information about their health. The cancer is the evil. The affair is the evil. Telling someone the truth so they can treat or remove the cancer is the right thing to do. We shouldn't let people be harmed just because they might be an avoidant person who couldn't handle being told.

Not the PP you're responding to, but this makes no sense, as I'm sure you recognize. You are imposing this information on another person who might not want it. You wanted to know, which is your right. But someone else not wanting to know doesn't make her "avoidant", and your sweeping away her wishes because you can't see any other outlook is just solipsistic.

I wouldn't tell if I were in that situation because I don't like to inflict pain on others. Yes, the cheater ultimately bears that responsibility, but I can limit that pain by holding back, even though I might want to lash out.

If you have a "don't ask, don't tell" marriage, then you have an open marriage that depends upon details not being shared. If that works for you, great. But you know that that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about two partners who have agreed to monogamy but one of them has changed the rules and not clued in the other partner.

"Don't tell her because she might have wanted an unspoken open marriage but never mentioned it to her partner!" is . . . your actual argument?

[Anonymous]

You don’t get to unilaterally destroy someone else’s family in the name of “the truth”.

There is nuance to life and love and truth. There is no one truth. Cheating is wrong, but good people don’t try to take down as many people as possible with them once they learn they are doomed. If any of you were faced with the actual truth every day of your lives, you would have a mental breakdown.

Your whole problem is you are viewing this as being motivated by revenge against the OW instead of compassion for the other betrayed spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, yes. I had an affair for 7 and a half years. Not discovered by his wife nor my husband. AP and I are still friends, and we're each still with our spouses. I am now faithful to my husband. Affair got us both through rough times. So glad I didn't divorce. Good luck!

It could still come out. You were one person in a two person affair. Friend accidentally discovered her DH ONS, one thing lead to another and she also uncovered long affair he had with a “friend”. He doesn’t know she knows and she is planning to inform AP husband with proof but is giving it time. I’m trying to talk her out of it since it won’t improve her own situation and there are others involved she would hurt. At least all the kids are grown but now I have anxiety over this! Also I’m not sure you considering yourself faithful now really counts.

People are individuals. It always amuses me when people try to shame a betrayed spouse into keeping their secrets. I mean, if you didn't want your spouse to know you are a cheater, I guess you shouldn't cheat. But, to then shame and belittle a person that was a victim of this from sharing this almost decade long affair as if she's the bad person in this scenario is just absurd. She will do what she needs to do for closure. And a person that was banging her husband for 7 years really doesn't matter to her, just like she didn't matter to the ap.

I’m not trying to shame her. I try to be a sounding board mainly. I see that it has destroyed her and she may elect to bring this upon another person. Will the revenge really be sweet or will she feel worse when it’s done. I’m concerned about her.

DP. I will say it feels really, really good to get that off your chest. No more feeling like a victim. Done and dusted.

Absolutely not. It's disgusting to tell the other spouse. There's a very good chance he wouldn't want to know. I wouldn't want some btch getting in my business if my DH stepped out. If it was over and he's not running away with her, you just seem completely psychotic. It's not "doing the right thing", it's bringing everyone else down with you. Just stay out of it.

This is some weird "blame the messenger" energy. The people who are disgusting and getting into other people's business are the ones pretending they're being monogamous to their partners when they're not. Being told the truth so you can reclaim your autonomy is a necessary step to begin righting all the wrongs the cheaters foisted onto their betrayed partners. Don't distract from the real issues by claiming that telling the truth is bad thing here.

Except it is. Two wrongs don’t make a right. That’s like saying “you must exert control and hurt other people because you were hurt.” Black and white thinking has no place in real relationships. If you were screwing my DH, please don’t tell me.

There is only one wrong: the cheating/adultery.

Truth is not a wrong. Communicating info so someone knows to protect their health is a “good”.

It’s pathetic when cheaters try to equate ratting on them as an offense and on the same level of equivalency as screwing and lying for years behind their spouses’ backs.

Telling me would be great. I would welcome that information so I could protect myself. There is no “wrong” with relaying or to me. Quite the contrary. If my spouse was porking yours , yes, please let me know.

What if it were the AP themselves who let you know? Would you appreciate it then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You don’t get to unilaterally destroy someone else’s family in the name of “the truth”.

There is nuance to life and love and truth. There is no one truth. Cheating is wrong, but good people don’t try to take down as many people as possible with them once they learn they are doomed. If any of you were faced with the actual truth every day of your lives, you would have a mental breakdown.

Your whole problem is you are viewing this as being motivated by revenge against the OW instead of compassion for the other betrayed spouse.

I agree with you, but I also think that the messenger's motivations for speaking the truth don't really change the moral calculus. If you steal the nuclear codes, it doesn't really matter if the person who turned you in did it for personal gain, love of country, a desire to protect innocent lives, or plain old schadenfreude. And it's wildly hypocritical to insert yourself into someone else's marriage and then spend a lot of time judging the person you helped betray for how they react to it. "Sure sure, I slept with your husband, but let's talk about how YOU didn't keep totally quiet about it because that's where the real drama is!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, yes. I had an affair for 7 and a half years. Not discovered by his wife nor my husband. AP and I are still friends, and we're each still with our spouses. I am now faithful to my husband. Affair got us both through rough times. So glad I didn't divorce. Good luck!

It could still come out. You were one person in a two person affair. Friend accidentally discovered her DH ONS, one thing lead to another and she also uncovered long affair he had with a “friend”. He doesn’t know she knows and she is planning to inform AP husband with proof but is giving it time. I’m trying to talk her out of it since it won’t improve her own situation and there are others involved she would hurt. At least all the kids are grown but now I have anxiety over this! Also I’m not sure you considering yourself faithful now really counts.

People are individuals. It always amuses me when people try to shame a betrayed spouse into keeping their secrets. I mean, if you didn't want your spouse to know you are a cheater, I guess you shouldn't cheat. But, to then shame and belittle a person that was a victim of this from sharing this almost decade long affair as if she's the bad person in this scenario is just absurd. She will do what she needs to do for closure. And a person that was banging her husband for 7 years really doesn't matter to her, just like she didn't matter to the ap.

I’m not trying to shame her. I try to be a sounding board mainly. I see that it has destroyed her and she may elect to bring this upon another person. Will the revenge really be sweet or will she feel worse when it’s done. I’m concerned about her.

DP. I will say it feels really, really good to get that off your chest. No more feeling like a victim. Done and dusted.

Absolutely not. It's disgusting to tell the other spouse. There's a very good chance he wouldn't want to know. I wouldn't want some btch getting in my business if my DH stepped out. If it was over and he's not running away with her, you just seem completely psychotic. It's not "doing the right thing", it's bringing everyone else down with you. Just stay out of it.

She will ultimately decide. I can’t control her. Neither can her DH or his AP. Neither of them even know she knows.

I’d want to know. It’s your friend’s decision though, nobody else’s.

Agree. It’s kind of funny the cheater characterized it as bringing everyone down….the one literally going down on another man’s D. Too funny.

I’m the PP who said it would bring everyone down. I have not cheated on my spouse.

The thing is the betrayed spouses were squarely in the situation whether they knew it or not. There is no staying out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, yes. I had an affair for 7 and a half years. Not discovered by his wife nor my husband. AP and I are still friends, and we're each still with our spouses. I am now faithful to my husband. Affair got us both through rough times. So glad I didn't divorce. Good luck!

It could still come out. You were one person in a two person affair. Friend accidentally discovered her DH ONS, one thing lead to another and she also uncovered long affair he had with a “friend”. He doesn’t know she knows and she is planning to inform AP husband with proof but is giving it time. I’m trying to talk her out of it since it won’t improve her own situation and there are others involved she would hurt. At least all the kids are grown but now I have anxiety over this! Also I’m not sure you considering yourself faithful now really counts.

People are individuals. It always amuses me when people try to shame a betrayed spouse into keeping their secrets. I mean, if you didn't want your spouse to know you are a cheater, I guess you shouldn't cheat. But, to then shame and belittle a person that was a victim of this from sharing this almost decade long affair as if she's the bad person in this scenario is just absurd. She will do what she needs to do for closure. And a person that was banging her husband for 7 years really doesn't matter to her, just like she didn't matter to the ap.

I’m not trying to shame her. I try to be a sounding board mainly. I see that it has destroyed her and she may elect to bring this upon another person. Will the revenge really be sweet or will she feel worse when it’s done. I’m concerned about her.

DP. I will say it feels really, really good to get that off your chest. No more feeling like a victim. Done and dusted.

Absolutely not. It's disgusting to tell the other spouse. There's a very good chance he wouldn't want to know. I wouldn't want some btch getting in my business if my DH stepped out. If it was over and he's not running away with her, you just seem completely psychotic. It's not "doing the right thing", it's bringing everyone else down with you. Just stay out of it.

This is some weird "blame the messenger" energy. The people who are disgusting and getting into other people's business are the ones pretending they're being monogamous to their partners when they're not. Being told the truth so you can reclaim your autonomy is a necessary step to begin righting all the wrongs the cheaters foisted onto their betrayed partners. Don't distract from the real issues by claiming that telling the truth is bad thing here.

Except it is. Two wrongs don’t make a right. That’s like saying “you must exert control and hurt other people because you were hurt.” Black and white thinking has no place in real relationships. If you were screwing my DH, please don’t tell me.

There is only one wrong: the cheating/adultery.

Truth is not a wrong. Communicating info so someone knows to protect their health is a “good”.

It’s pathetic when cheaters try to equate ratting on them as an offense and on the same level of equivalency as screwing and lying for years behind their spouses’ backs.

Telling me would be great. I would welcome that information so I could protect myself. There is no “wrong” with relaying or to me. Quite the contrary. If my spouse was porking yours , yes, please let me know.

What if it were the AP themselves who let you know? Would you appreciate it then?

Well are we going to call her psycho and a b@tch for telling? Yes. I’d want to know. Period. I don’t care who tells me. If she’s pissed he dumped her and tells me- fine. I’d want to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You don’t get to unilaterally destroy someone else’s family in the name of “the truth”.

There is nuance to life and love and truth. There is no one truth. Cheating is wrong, but good people don’t try to take down as many people as possible with them once they learn they are doomed. If any of you were faced with the actual truth every day of your lives, you would have a mental breakdown.

Your whole problem is you are viewing this as being motivated by revenge against the OW instead of compassion for the other betrayed spouse.

I agree with you, but I also think that the messenger's motivations for speaking the truth don't really change the moral calculus. If you steal the nuclear codes, it doesn't really matter if the person who turned you in did it for personal gain, love of country, a desire to protect innocent lives, or plain old schadenfreude. And it's wildly hypocritical to insert yourself into someone else's marriage and then spend a lot of time judging the person you helped betray for how they react to it. "Sure sure, I slept with your husband, but let's talk about how YOU didn't keep totally quiet about it because that's where the real drama is!"

Yeah. It doesn’t go over too well when you try to extract sympathy from the woman whose husband you were banging for years. Let’s talk about how you were in a bad place blah blah blah. Yeah as her life is going up in flames I’m sure she really gives 2 f”@&ks why you sat on her husband’s D for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This logic is basically . . .

The bad thing wasn't that I robbed the bank. The bad thing is that you called the cops on me . . .

The bad thing wasn't that I beat you up. The bad thing was that you went to the hospital and let them investigate what happened . . .

The bad thing wasn't that I spent all of our joint funds on gambling. The bad thing is that you didn't keep it quiet so I could keep my reputation intact . . .


If you read OW forums you see that they post about the innocent/unsuspecting BW as much as they post about the MM and their "relationship." It's as much about the triangulation and the competition as it is about the warm fuzzy feelings. And look I get it . . . there's a real biological drive to "mate poach." Alpha males are probably already taken so their established mates need to be ousted in order to secure someone of high standing. It makes sense that the primitive part of your brain would go there. But don't try to dress it up with pretzel logic to turn "doing whatever you want because it feels good" into some kind of moral imperative. Just own that you did it because you could and it felt good and you didn't care about hurting anyone else because you just manipulate others until they stop whining to you about their hurt feelings. And if you get exposed for who you are, then at least have the spine to stand tall and say, yeah, I did that. Don't cry, "The BW snitched on me and that's vengeful and psychotic!" because if those terms apply to her then much, much worse applies to you.

Yep. These people are out of their Frickin self-centered, no empathy, slutty, selfish minds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, yes. I had an affair for 7 and a half years. Not discovered by his wife nor my husband. AP and I are still friends, and we're each still with our spouses. I am now faithful to my husband. Affair got us both through rough times. So glad I didn't divorce. Good luck!

It could still come out. You were one person in a two person affair. Friend accidentally discovered her DH ONS, one thing lead to another and she also uncovered long affair he had with a “friend”. He doesn’t know she knows and she is planning to inform AP husband with proof but is giving it time. I’m trying to talk her out of it since it won’t improve her own situation and there are others involved she would hurt. At least all the kids are grown but now I have anxiety over this! Also I’m not sure you considering yourself faithful now really counts.

People are individuals. It always amuses me when people try to shame a betrayed spouse into keeping their secrets. I mean, if you didn't want your spouse to know you are a cheater, I guess you shouldn't cheat. But, to then shame and belittle a person that was a victim of this from sharing this almost decade long affair as if she's the bad person in this scenario is just absurd. She will do what she needs to do for closure. And a person that was banging her husband for 7 years really doesn't matter to her, just like she didn't matter to the ap.

I’m not trying to shame her. I try to be a sounding board mainly. I see that it has destroyed her and she may elect to bring this upon another person. Will the revenge really be sweet or will she feel worse when it’s done. I’m concerned about her.

DP. I will say it feels really, really good to get that off your chest. No more feeling like a victim. Done and dusted.

Absolutely not. It's disgusting to tell the other spouse. There's a very good chance he wouldn't want to know. I wouldn't want some btch getting in my business if my DH stepped out. If it was over and he's not running away with her, you just seem completely psychotic. It's not "doing the right thing", it's bringing everyone else down with you. Just stay out of it.

This is some weird "blame the messenger" energy. The people who are disgusting and getting into other people's business are the ones pretending they're being monogamous to their partners when they're not. Being told the truth so you can reclaim your autonomy is a necessary step to begin righting all the wrongs the cheaters foisted onto their betrayed partners. Don't distract from the real issues by claiming that telling the truth is bad thing here.

Except it is. Two wrongs don’t make a right. That’s like saying “you must exert control and hurt other people because you were hurt.” Black and white thinking has no place in real relationships. If you were screwing my DH, please don’t tell me.

There is only one wrong: the cheating/adultery.

Truth is not a wrong. Communicating info so someone knows to protect their health is a “good”.

It’s pathetic when cheaters try to equate ratting on them as an offense and on the same level of equivalency as screwing and lying for years behind their spouses’ backs.

Telling me would be great. I would welcome that information so I could protect myself. There is no “wrong” with relaying or to me. Quite the contrary. If my spouse was porking yours , yes, please let me know.

What if it were the AP themselves who let you know? Would you appreciate it then?

Yes. Why wouldn’t I? I need to know the truth if my marriage and the fact you might have STIs. Nasty. Yes- don’t care who the messenger is. It would be much appreciated, no matter their motive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, yes. I had an affair for 7 and a half years. Not discovered by his wife nor my husband. AP and I are still friends, and we're each still with our spouses. I am now faithful to my husband. Affair got us both through rough times. So glad I didn't divorce. Good luck!

It could still come out. You were one person in a two person affair. Friend accidentally discovered her DH ONS, one thing lead to another and she also uncovered long affair he had with a “friend”. He doesn’t know she knows and she is planning to inform AP husband with proof but is giving it time. I’m trying to talk her out of it since it won’t improve her own situation and there are others involved she would hurt. At least all the kids are grown but now I have anxiety over this! Also I’m not sure you considering yourself faithful now really counts.

People are individuals. It always amuses me when people try to shame a betrayed spouse into keeping their secrets. I mean, if you didn't want your spouse to know you are a cheater, I guess you shouldn't cheat. But, to then shame and belittle a person that was a victim of this from sharing this almost decade long affair as if she's the bad person in this scenario is just absurd. She will do what she needs to do for closure. And a person that was banging her husband for 7 years really doesn't matter to her, just like she didn't matter to the ap.

I’m not trying to shame her. I try to be a sounding board mainly. I see that it has destroyed her and she may elect to bring this upon another person. Will the revenge really be sweet or will she feel worse when it’s done. I’m concerned about her.

DP. I will say it feels really, really good to get that off your chest. No more feeling like a victim. Done and dusted.

Absolutely not. It's disgusting to tell the other spouse. There's a very good chance he wouldn't want to know. I wouldn't want some btch getting in my business if my DH stepped out. If it was over and he's not running away with her, you just seem completely psychotic. It's not "doing the right thing", it's bringing everyone else down with you. Just stay out of it.

There is no symmetry here bc men and women do not react the same way to this kind of news. Women forgive and stay married usually for money stability intact family. Men OTOH go ballistic can become violent and usually divorce their cheating lying spouse.

Well then why are women cheating and taking that risk? It’s certainly not the betrayed wife’s problem. You don’t want your husband to find out and divorce you so you might have to get a job: don’t cheat.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, yes. I had an affair for 7 and a half years. Not discovered by his wife nor my husband. AP and I are still friends, and we're each still with our spouses. I am now faithful to my husband. Affair got us both through rough times. So glad I didn't divorce. Good luck!

It could still come out. You were one person in a two person affair. Friend accidentally discovered her DH ONS, one thing lead to another and she also uncovered long affair he had with a “friend”. He doesn’t know she knows and she is planning to inform AP husband with proof but is giving it time. I’m trying to talk her out of it since it won’t improve her own situation and there are others involved she would hurt. At least all the kids are grown but now I have anxiety over this! Also I’m not sure you considering yourself faithful now really counts.

People are individuals. It always amuses me when people try to shame a betrayed spouse into keeping their secrets. I mean, if you didn't want your spouse to know you are a cheater, I guess you shouldn't cheat. But, to then shame and belittle a person that was a victim of this from sharing this almost decade long affair as if she's the bad person in this scenario is just absurd. She will do what she needs to do for closure. And a person that was banging her husband for 7 years really doesn't matter to her, just like she didn't matter to the ap.

I’m not trying to shame her. I try to be a sounding board mainly. I see that it has destroyed her and she may elect to bring this upon another person. Will the revenge really be sweet or will she feel worse when it’s done. I’m concerned about her.

DP. I will say it feels really, really good to get that off your chest. No more feeling like a victim. Done and dusted.

Absolutely not. It's disgusting to tell the other spouse. There's a very good chance he wouldn't want to know. I wouldn't want some btch getting in my business if my DH stepped out. If it was over and he's not running away with her, you just seem completely psychotic. It's not "doing the right thing", it's bringing everyone else down with you. Just stay out of it.

This is some weird "blame the messenger" energy. The people who are disgusting and getting into other people's business are the ones pretending they're being monogamous to their partners when they're not. Being told the truth so you can reclaim your autonomy is a necessary step to begin righting all the wrongs the cheaters foisted onto their betrayed partners. Don't distract from the real issues by claiming that telling the truth is bad thing here.

Except it is. Two wrongs don’t make a right. That’s like saying “you must exert control and hurt other people because you were hurt.” Black and white thinking has no place in real relationships. If you were screwing my DH, please don’t tell me.

There is only one wrong: the cheating/adultery.

Truth is not a wrong. Communicating info so someone knows to protect their health is a “good”.

It’s pathetic when cheaters try to equate ratting on them as an offense and on the same level of equivalency as screwing and lying for years behind their spouses’ backs.

It definitely seems odd to be so mad at the idea of betrayed spouses telling other betrayed spouses but not other elements of the story like, you know, the actual betrayal . . . Basically the betrayed spouse has already been mistreated in a huge way and now the cheater is trying to guilt the BS into keeping their dirty secret so they don't have to deal with the natural consequences of their own choices. "Please keep eating my shlt sandwich because it wouldn't be fair for me to have people know that I did the thing that I knowingly chose to do, and if you do tell then it must be that you are manipulative/controlling/petty . . ." Um, what. If you don't want people to know that you did the thing, don't DO THE THING.

Amen, sister.