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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Hi OP, yes. I had an affair for 7 and a half years. Not discovered by his wife nor my husband. AP and I are still friends, and we're each still with our spouses. I am now faithful to my husband. Affair got us both through rough times. So glad I didn't divorce.  Good luck![/quote]

It could still come out. You were one person in a two person affair. Friend accidentally discovered her DH ONS, one thing lead to another and she also uncovered long affair he had with a “friend”.  He doesn’t know she knows and she is planning to inform AP husband with proof but is giving it time. I’m trying to talk her out of it since it won’t improve her own situation and there are others involved she would hurt. At least all the kids are grown but now I have anxiety over this!  Also I’m not sure you considering yourself faithful now really counts. [/quote]

People are individuals.  It always amuses me when people try to shame a betrayed spouse into keeping their secrets.  I mean, if you didn't want your spouse to know you are a cheater, I guess you shouldn't cheat.  But, to then shame and belittle a person that was a victim of this from sharing this almost decade long affair as if she's the bad person in this scenario is just absurd.  She will do what she needs to do for closure.  And a person that was banging her husband for 7 years really doesn't matter to her, just like she didn't matter to the ap.[/quote]

I’m not trying to shame her. I try to be a sounding board mainly. I see that it has destroyed her and she may elect to bring this upon another person.  Will the revenge really be sweet or will she feel worse when it’s done. I’m concerned about her. [/quote]

DP.  I will say it feels really, really good to get that off your chest.  No more feeling like a victim.  Done and dusted.[/quote]
Absolutely not. It's disgusting to tell the other spouse. There's a very good chance he wouldn't want to know. I wouldn't want some btch getting in my business if my DH stepped out. If it was over and he's not running away with her, you just seem completely psychotic. It's not "doing the right thing", it's bringing everyone else down with you. Just stay out of it. [/quote]

This is some weird "blame the messenger" energy. The people who are disgusting and getting into other people's business are the ones pretending they're being monogamous to their partners when they're not. Being told the truth so you can reclaim your autonomy is a necessary step to begin righting all the wrongs the cheaters foisted onto their betrayed partners. Don't distract from the real issues by claiming that telling the truth is bad thing here.[/quote]
Except it is. Two wrongs don’t make a right. That’s like saying “you must exert control and hurt other people because you were hurt.” Black and white thinking has no place in real relationships. If you were screwing my DH, please don’t tell me. [/quote]

If you have a "don't ask, don't tell" marriage, then make sure that's clear with your spouse. That isn't the standard by any means . . . my husband had an affair, and believe me I want/ed to know. More importantly, I had a right to know the facts of my own life so I could give informed consent. No one has a right to take that away from me. It's the person doing this . . . the cheater . . . who is exerting control.

Again, if you have some kind of "head in the sand" philosophy, like you don't want to know if you have cancer so you can die blissfully ignorant, OK, but that's just you and your avoidant personality. That doesn't mean that it's wrong to give people information about their health. The cancer is the evil. The affair is the evil. Telling someone the truth so they can treat or remove the cancer is the right thing to do. We shouldn't let people be harmed just because they might be an avoidant person who couldn't handle being told.[/quote]

Not the PP you're responding to, but this makes no sense, as I'm sure you recognize. You are imposing this information on another person who might not want it. You wanted to know, which is your right. But someone else not wanting to know doesn't make her "avoidant", and your sweeping away her wishes because you can't see any other outlook is just solipsistic.

I wouldn't tell if I were in that situation because I don't like to inflict pain on others. Yes, the cheater ultimately bears that responsibility, but I can limit that pain by holding back, even though I might want to lash out.[/quote]

If you have a "don't ask, don't tell" marriage, then you have an open marriage that depends upon details not being shared. If that works for you, great. But you know that that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about two partners who have agreed to monogamy but one of them has changed the rules and not clued in the other partner.

"Don't tell her because she might have wanted an unspoken open marriage but never mentioned it to her partner!" is . . . your actual argument?[/quote]

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