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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Hi OP, yes. I had an affair for 7 and a half years. Not discovered by his wife nor my husband. AP and I are still friends, and we're each still with our spouses. I am now faithful to my husband. Affair got us both through rough times. So glad I didn't divorce.  Good luck![/quote]

It could still come out. You were one person in a two person affair. Friend accidentally discovered her DH ONS, one thing lead to another and she also uncovered long affair he had with a “friend”.  He doesn’t know she knows and she is planning to inform AP husband with proof but is giving it time. I’m trying to talk her out of it since it won’t improve her own situation and there are others involved she would hurt. At least all the kids are grown but now I have anxiety over this!  Also I’m not sure you considering yourself faithful now really counts. [/quote]

People are individuals.  It always amuses me when people try to shame a betrayed spouse into keeping their secrets.  I mean, if you didn't want your spouse to know you are a cheater, I guess you shouldn't cheat.  But, to then shame and belittle a person that was a victim of this from sharing this almost decade long affair as if she's the bad person in this scenario is just absurd.  She will do what she needs to do for closure.  And a person that was banging her husband for 7 years really doesn't matter to her, just like she didn't matter to the ap.[/quote]

I’m not trying to shame her. I try to be a sounding board mainly. I see that it has destroyed her and she may elect to bring this upon another person.  Will the revenge really be sweet or will she feel worse when it’s done. I’m concerned about her. [/quote]

DP.  I will say it feels really, really good to get that off your chest.  No more feeling like a victim.  Done and dusted.[/quote]
Absolutely not. It's disgusting to tell the other spouse. There's a very good chance he wouldn't want to know. I wouldn't want some btch getting in my business if my DH stepped out. If it was over and he's not running away with her, you just seem completely psychotic. It's not "doing the right thing", it's bringing everyone else down with you. Just stay out of it. [/quote]

This is some weird "blame the messenger" energy. The people who are disgusting and getting into other people's business are the ones pretending they're being monogamous to their partners when they're not. Being told the truth so you can reclaim your autonomy is a necessary step to begin righting all the wrongs the cheaters foisted onto their betrayed partners. Don't distract from the real issues by claiming that telling the truth is bad thing here.[/quote]
Except it is. Two wrongs don’t make a right. That’s like saying “you must exert control and hurt other people because you were hurt.” Black and white thinking has no place in real relationships. If you were screwing my DH, please don’t tell me. [/quote]

There is only one wrong: the cheating/adultery.

Truth is not a wrong.  Communicating info so someone knows to protect their health is a “good”.

It’s pathetic when cheaters try to equate ratting on them as an offense and on the same level of equivalency as screwing and lying for years behind their spouses’ backs.

[/quote]

It definitely seems odd to be so mad at the idea of betrayed spouses telling other betrayed spouses but not other elements of the story like, you know, the actual betrayal . . . Basically the betrayed spouse has already been mistreated in a huge way and now the cheater is trying to guilt the BS into keeping their dirty secret so they don't have to deal with the natural consequences of their own choices. "Please keep eating my shlt sandwich because it wouldn't be fair for me to have people know that I did the thing that I knowingly chose to do, and if you do tell then it must be that you are manipulative/controlling/petty . . ."  Um, what. If you don't want people to know that you did the thing, don't DO THE THING.[/quote]

Amen, sister.[/quote]

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