He's cheating. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Yeah, cheating parents are awful at making dinner, dropping the kids at school, helping with homework, and putting the kids to bed.

When my H was cheating he didn’t do any of these. He completely checked out and was absent, because he was obsessed with his fantasy life with OW and was always sneaking off or shutting himself in the bathroom to talk to her. The entire time he cheated he never made dinner because he had to “work late” or he’d get home and immediately run out the door to “walk the dogs” (eg call OW) and the only time he put the kids to bed was so he could rush through the routine then hide in the closet texting.

I’m sure there are some people who can maintain basic parenting while cheating, but most become unhappy with their role as parents because they are obsessed with the dream life they *thibk* they could have with AP.

Sigh. Again we have a poster who insists that her personal experience enables her to say what “most” people do. It doesn’t.

Nearly ALL cheaters scapegoat their spouses so they can feel better about their lying/betrayal. They become very critical in every which way of their spouse and start openly criticizing and finding fault so that the spouse is walking on eggshells and jumping through hoops to try to please...and they have anger that will go off on something that isn't a big deal. It's very much a psychology to make the spouse the reason for their cheating and to justify their actions. Cheaters don't even see themselves doing this.

All these cheaters that think they are wonderful parents/spouses are being d*cks over time at home. Also, it's been shown that many women can sense (even if they have no reason to think spouse is cheating) betrayal. They guy smells different to them/turns them off. It's a biological response of protection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I would discuss with him an open marriage and if you still sleep with him use condoms. I don’t feel it’s feasible to divorce just because of sex, if he’s a great father, and your life is otherwise comfortable. I would be more concerned if he had a serious affair that’s a marriage killer. He seems to have sex dependency

What I find appalling with cheaters is then opening marriage for themselves and often keeping “clean” spouses on call for sex when they want to, and fully unaware.

You should be able to fulfill your sexual desires and feel made adoration as well, not to always think about him and his transgressions.

You have to learn to treat sex as basic bodily function like meals. Your husband has meals out at times, same applies to sex.

Not everyone wants an open marriage. Not everyone wants to live a lie. Some people feel having an open marriage is the same as being divorced or at least separated. The main issue with divorce and separation is that you can't live in the same house or comingle assets easily. That's why people stay. It is something to consider. But lets not try to make everyone into a cheater as a way to solve someone's cheating habits.

Uh, it already is an open marriage. To him. One sided, sure. But he’s busted it wide open already. He’s not going to stop. Maybe for a couple years, but then he’ll be back into it again.

This is so true. I 'accidentally' slept with an older married man in my early twenties. In the beginning, he didn't mention he was married and I didn't try to find out. I was so 'in love' with him at the time. It was ridiculous and obsessive, and I couldn't tell anyone because I knew better, but I did get it together and shut it down. He continued to reach out here and there over the years, until I met DH and I put a stop to all communication at that point. Well, 20 years later and this guy is still married to the same woman, and she still posts happy family pictures from time to time on social media (I know, it's totally sick that I even look once and a while and I wish I didn't). He has no social media presence, obviously because he's got a lot to hide. No doubt in my mind he's serially cheated on her all this time because I knew the cheater version of him. Maybe she's happy? Hard for me to wrap my mind around that, but again, I only knew the cheater version of him, not the husband/father version of him.

Sorry--off-topic: I don't understand why anyone has a public social media account unless they are using it as a celebrity--monitored site.

Nobody can see what I post on Instagram but my immediate and extended family and the very close friends (lifelong childhood/college). I don't accept requests to be followed from school people, neighbors, friends of so and so-- or just have a totally open account. Mind bogglin.

Only about 12% of Twitter accounts are private. You can't easily engage in conversations with people who aren't your "friends" with a private account. For example when I'm at a business conference, I'll tweet using the hashtag for the conference and get in discussions with others at the conference that way.

She mentioned looking at photos of her affair partner's spouse that she posts. That sounds like Instagram, not twitter. I question why anyone has an open Instagram account because there are so many pyschos and exs that stalk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you have the presence of mind and self control not to pick up the laptop and smash him in the head with it???!?!!! My god--I would explode.

+1 me too! He will be awake in seconds explaining me everything (well, probably lying about everything.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I would discuss with him an open marriage and if you still sleep with him use condoms. I don’t feel it’s feasible to divorce just because of sex, if he’s a great father, and your life is otherwise comfortable. I would be more concerned if he had a serious affair that’s a marriage killer. He seems to have sex dependency

What I find appalling with cheaters is then opening marriage for themselves and often keeping “clean” spouses on call for sex when they want to, and fully unaware.

You should be able to fulfill your sexual desires and feel made adoration as well, not to always think about him and his transgressions.

You have to learn to treat sex as basic bodily function like meals. Your husband has meals out at times, same applies to sex.

Not everyone wants an open marriage. Not everyone wants to live a lie. Some people feel having an open marriage is the same as being divorced or at least separated. The main issue with divorce and separation is that you can't live in the same house or comingle assets easily. That's why people stay. It is something to consider. But lets not try to make everyone into a cheater as a way to solve someone's cheating habits.

Uh, it already is an open marriage. To him. One sided, sure. But he’s busted it wide open already. He’s not going to stop. Maybe for a couple years, but then he’ll be back into it again.

This is so true. I 'accidentally' slept with an older married man in my early twenties. In the beginning, he didn't mention he was married and I didn't try to find out. I was so 'in love' with him at the time. It was ridiculous and obsessive, and I couldn't tell anyone because I knew better, but I did get it together and shut it down. He continued to reach out here and there over the years, until I met DH and I put a stop to all communication at that point. Well, 20 years later and this guy is still married to the same woman, and she still posts happy family pictures from time to time on social media (I know, it's totally sick that I even look once and a while and I wish I didn't). He has no social media presence, obviously because he's got a lot to hide. No doubt in my mind he's serially cheated on her all this time because I knew the cheater version of him. Maybe she's happy? Hard for me to wrap my mind around that, but again, I only knew the cheater version of him, not the husband/father version of him.

Sorry--off-topic: I don't understand why anyone has a public social media account unless they are using it as a celebrity--monitored site.

Nobody can see what I post on Instagram but my immediate and extended family and the very close friends (lifelong childhood/college). I don't accept requests to be followed from school people, neighbors, friends of so and so-- or just have a totally open account. Mind bogglin.

Only about 12% of Twitter accounts are private. You can't easily engage in conversations with people who aren't your "friends" with a private account. For example when I'm at a business conference, I'll tweet using the hashtag for the conference and get in discussions with others at the conference that way.

She mentioned looking at photos of her affair partner's spouse that she posts. That sounds like Instagram, not twitter. I question why anyone has an open Instagram account because there are so many pyschos and exs that stalk.

Me again. He doesn't have a facebook profile, instagram account, twitter profile or linked in profile. He has a work bio and nothing else. My accounts are all private, too, so I understand your point. His wife occasionally posts something public. Maybe she's defending against women like me? No judgment or public shaming necessary here - it was the dumbest, most regrettable thing I've done in my life. I don't know why I look her up every 5 years or so. This happened 20 years ago. I have a great marriage and hot, successful husband. I love my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

It's true. You have to separate the damage of cheating on a marriage versus on a parenting relationship. You can probably be an above average parent and a terrible spouse, but one aspect of parenting that you are failing in modeling a healthy relationship. If your kids do find out, you've set them up for some hard times ahead in their own relationships.

Serial cheating, however, is death to a healthy marriage because of broken trust and respect. It's hard to respect someone who cheats and lies. It's hard to be in partnership with someone you don't respect. Where there is infidelity, there is often financial infidelity. Maybe OP can wrap her head around the flings but if she uncovers how much of the family's finances he has spent in pursuit of other women, she might lose it. For example, what if he spent $5000 on a trip and gifts for his mistress, but they're still not done with the kids' 529 plans?

People stay in unhealthy marriages for all kinds of reasons. I get that an unhealthy marriage may seem better than being a single divorcee to some. I personally don't know anyone who has a healthy marriage after discovering serial cheating, but there are probably examples out there.

You had me until you took the leap that sexual infidelity “often” leads to financial infidelity. You have no way of knowing that. You’re assuming.

How do married men get attractive women to sleep with them if they don't at least wine and dine them and pay for the hotel rooms? What's in it for the women? Women who just want sex can get it a lot easier than men - why would they otherwise want anything to do with a middle aged married man?

It's called Ashley Madison. They don't have to be attractive and they don't have to spend $ on them. It's women as F'dd up as them willing to do anything. The women are more likely to be looking for an exit affair, but plenty with sex addictions and mental illness too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I would discuss with him an open marriage and if you still sleep with him use condoms. I don’t feel it’s feasible to divorce just because of sex, if he’s a great father, and your life is otherwise comfortable. I would be more concerned if he had a serious affair that’s a marriage killer. He seems to have sex dependency

What I find appalling with cheaters is then opening marriage for themselves and often keeping “clean” spouses on call for sex when they want to, and fully unaware.

You should be able to fulfill your sexual desires and feel made adoration as well, not to always think about him and his transgressions.

You have to learn to treat sex as basic bodily function like meals. Your husband has meals out at times, same applies to sex.

Not everyone wants an open marriage. Not everyone wants to live a lie. Some people feel having an open marriage is the same as being divorced or at least separated. The main issue with divorce and separation is that you can't live in the same house or comingle assets easily. That's why people stay. It is something to consider. But lets not try to make everyone into a cheater as a way to solve someone's cheating habits.

Uh, it already is an open marriage. To him. One sided, sure. But he’s busted it wide open already. He’s not going to stop. Maybe for a couple years, but then he’ll be back into it again.

This is so true. I 'accidentally' slept with an older married man in my early twenties. In the beginning, he didn't mention he was married and I didn't try to find out. I was so 'in love' with him at the time. It was ridiculous and obsessive, and I couldn't tell anyone because I knew better, but I did get it together and shut it down. He continued to reach out here and there over the years, until I met DH and I put a stop to all communication at that point. Well, 20 years later and this guy is still married to the same woman, and she still posts happy family pictures from time to time on social media (I know, it's totally sick that I even look once and a while and I wish I didn't). He has no social media presence, obviously because he's got a lot to hide. No doubt in my mind he's serially cheated on her all this time because I knew the cheater version of him. Maybe she's happy? Hard for me to wrap my mind around that, but again, I only knew the cheater version of him, not the husband/father version of him.

Sorry--off-topic: I don't understand why anyone has a public social media account unless they are using it as a celebrity--monitored site.

Nobody can see what I post on Instagram but my immediate and extended family and the very close friends (lifelong childhood/college). I don't accept requests to be followed from school people, neighbors, friends of so and so-- or just have a totally open account. Mind bogglin.

Only about 12% of Twitter accounts are private. You can't easily engage in conversations with people who aren't your "friends" with a private account. For example when I'm at a business conference, I'll tweet using the hashtag for the conference and get in discussions with others at the conference that way.

She mentioned looking at photos of her affair partner's spouse that she posts. That sounds like Instagram, not twitter. I question why anyone has an open Instagram account because there are so many pyschos and exs that stalk.

Me again. He doesn't have a facebook profile, instagram account, twitter profile or linked in profile. He has a work bio and nothing else. My accounts are all private, too, so I understand your point. His wife occasionally posts something public. Maybe she's defending against women like me? No judgment or public shaming necessary here - it was the dumbest, most regrettable thing I've done in my life. I don't know why I look her up every 5 years or so. This happened 20 years ago. I have a great marriage and hot, successful husband. I love my family.

^^Here is why you don't post publicly. You could be stalked and not know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

To me it's kind of like driving the kid with no seatbelt on. Or sending them out on a bike with no helment. You love them, you are about them, you think chances are they'll be fine, you won't have an accident. But then OOPS your choice to engage in risky behavior ends up hurting your kids. Well, that's the risk you chose to take. The kid had no choice in the matter. You made the choice, and you hurt your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I would discuss with him an open marriage and if you still sleep with him use condoms. I don’t feel it’s feasible to divorce just because of sex, if he’s a great father, and your life is otherwise comfortable. I would be more concerned if he had a serious affair that’s a marriage killer. He seems to have sex dependency

What I find appalling with cheaters is then opening marriage for themselves and often keeping “clean” spouses on call for sex when they want to, and fully unaware.

You should be able to fulfill your sexual desires and feel made adoration as well, not to always think about him and his transgressions.

You have to learn to treat sex as basic bodily function like meals. Your husband has meals out at times, same applies to sex.

This.

I would confront him only that I would require condoms in the future, assuming I wanted to stay in the marriage.

How are you supposed to kiss a husband you know is likely having oral sex with other people? How do you perform that function for him knowing where his parts have been? Do you wear a condom for that too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you have the presence of mind and self control not to pick up the laptop and smash him in the head with it???!?!!! My god--I would explode.

She is a doctor and accustomed to reacting to bad news with detachment and intellectualization.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

It's true. You have to separate the damage of cheating on a marriage versus on a parenting relationship. You can probably be an above average parent and a terrible spouse, but one aspect of parenting that you are failing in modeling a healthy relationship. If your kids do find out, you've set them up for some hard times ahead in their own relationships.

Serial cheating, however, is death to a healthy marriage because of broken trust and respect. It's hard to respect someone who cheats and lies. It's hard to be in partnership with someone you don't respect. Where there is infidelity, there is often financial infidelity. Maybe OP can wrap her head around the flings but if she uncovers how much of the family's finances he has spent in pursuit of other women, she might lose it. For example, what if he spent $5000 on a trip and gifts for his mistress, but they're still not done with the kids' 529 plans?

People stay in unhealthy marriages for all kinds of reasons. I get that an unhealthy marriage may seem better than being a single divorcee to some. I personally don't know anyone who has a healthy marriage after discovering serial cheating, but there are probably examples out there.

You had me until you took the leap that sexual infidelity “often” leads to financial infidelity. You have no way of knowing that. You’re assuming.

You think he's getting all that strange for free? I imagine at least there's dinners, drinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I would discuss with him an open marriage and if you still sleep with him use condoms. I don’t feel it’s feasible to divorce just because of sex, if he’s a great father, and your life is otherwise comfortable. I would be more concerned if he had a serious affair that’s a marriage killer. He seems to have sex dependency

What I find appalling with cheaters is then opening marriage for themselves and often keeping “clean” spouses on call for sex when they want to, and fully unaware.

You should be able to fulfill your sexual desires and feel made adoration as well, not to always think about him and his transgressions.

You have to learn to treat sex as basic bodily function like meals. Your husband has meals out at times, same applies to sex.

Not everyone wants an open marriage. Not everyone wants to live a lie. Some people feel having an open marriage is the same as being divorced or at least separated. The main issue with divorce and separation is that you can't live in the same house or comingle assets easily. That's why people stay. It is something to consider. But lets not try to make everyone into a cheater as a way to solve someone's cheating habits.

Uh, it already is an open marriage. To him. One sided, sure. But he’s busted it wide open already. He’s not going to stop. Maybe for a couple years, but then he’ll be back into it again.

This is so true. I 'accidentally' slept with an older married man in my early twenties. In the beginning, he didn't mention he was married and I didn't try to find out. I was so 'in love' with him at the time. It was ridiculous and obsessive, and I couldn't tell anyone because I knew better, but I did get it together and shut it down. He continued to reach out here and there over the years, until I met DH and I put a stop to all communication at that point. Well, 20 years later and this guy is still married to the same woman, and she still posts happy family pictures from time to time on social media (I know, it's totally sick that I even look once and a while and I wish I didn't). He has no social media presence, obviously because he's got a lot to hide. No doubt in my mind he's serially cheated on her all this time because I knew the cheater version of him. Maybe she's happy? Hard for me to wrap my mind around that, but again, I only knew the cheater version of him, not the husband/father version of him.

Sorry--off-topic: I don't understand why anyone has a public social media account unless they are using it as a celebrity--monitored site.

Nobody can see what I post on Instagram but my immediate and extended family and the very close friends (lifelong childhood/college). I don't accept requests to be followed from school people, neighbors, friends of so and so-- or just have a totally open account. Mind bogglin.

Only about 12% of Twitter accounts are private. You can't easily engage in conversations with people who aren't your "friends" with a private account. For example when I'm at a business conference, I'll tweet using the hashtag for the conference and get in discussions with others at the conference that way.

She mentioned looking at photos of her affair partner's spouse that she posts. That sounds like Instagram, not twitter. I question why anyone has an open Instagram account because there are so many pyschos and exs that stalk.

Me again. He doesn't have a facebook profile, instagram account, twitter profile or linked in profile. He has a work bio and nothing else. My accounts are all private, too, so I understand your point. His wife occasionally posts something public. Maybe she's defending against women like me? No judgment or public shaming necessary here - it was the dumbest, most regrettable thing I've done in my life. I don't know why I look her up every 5 years or so. This happened 20 years ago. I have a great marriage and hot, successful husband. I love my family.

^^Here is why you don't post publicly. You could be stalked and not know it.

Being dishonestly pursued by a predatory, older married men has had some long term consequences for the PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I would discuss with him an open marriage and if you still sleep with him use condoms. I don’t feel it’s feasible to divorce just because of sex, if he’s a great father, and your life is otherwise comfortable. I would be more concerned if he had a serious affair that’s a marriage killer. He seems to have sex dependency

What I find appalling with cheaters is then opening marriage for themselves and often keeping “clean” spouses on call for sex when they want to, and fully unaware.

You should be able to fulfill your sexual desires and feel made adoration as well, not to always think about him and his transgressions.

You have to learn to treat sex as basic bodily function like meals. Your husband has meals out at times, same applies to sex.

Not everyone wants an open marriage. Not everyone wants to live a lie. Some people feel having an open marriage is the same as being divorced or at least separated. The main issue with divorce and separation is that you can't live in the same house or comingle assets easily. That's why people stay. It is something to consider. But lets not try to make everyone into a cheater as a way to solve someone's cheating habits.

Uh, it already is an open marriage. To him. One sided, sure. But he’s busted it wide open already. He’s not going to stop. Maybe for a couple years, but then he’ll be back into it again.

This is so true. I 'accidentally' slept with an older married man in my early twenties. In the beginning, he didn't mention he was married and I didn't try to find out. I was so 'in love' with him at the time. It was ridiculous and obsessive, and I couldn't tell anyone because I knew better, but I did get it together and shut it down. He continued to reach out here and there over the years, until I met DH and I put a stop to all communication at that point. Well, 20 years later and this guy is still married to the same woman, and she still posts happy family pictures from time to time on social media (I know, it's totally sick that I even look once and a while and I wish I didn't). He has no social media presence, obviously because he's got a lot to hide. No doubt in my mind he's serially cheated on her all this time because I knew the cheater version of him. Maybe she's happy? Hard for me to wrap my mind around that, but again, I only knew the cheater version of him, not the husband/father version of him.

Sorry--off-topic: I don't understand why anyone has a public social media account unless they are using it as a celebrity--monitored site.

Nobody can see what I post on Instagram but my immediate and extended family and the very close friends (lifelong childhood/college). I don't accept requests to be followed from school people, neighbors, friends of so and so-- or just have a totally open account. Mind bogglin.

Only about 12% of Twitter accounts are private. You can't easily engage in conversations with people who aren't your "friends" with a private account. For example when I'm at a business conference, I'll tweet using the hashtag for the conference and get in discussions with others at the conference that way.

She mentioned looking at photos of her affair partner's spouse that she posts. That sounds like Instagram, not twitter. I question why anyone has an open Instagram account because there are so many pyschos and exs that stalk.

Me again. He doesn't have a facebook profile, instagram account, twitter profile or linked in profile. He has a work bio and nothing else. My accounts are all private, too, so I understand your point. His wife occasionally posts something public. Maybe she's defending against women like me? No judgment or public shaming necessary here - it was the dumbest, most regrettable thing I've done in my life. I don't know why I look her up every 5 years or so. This happened 20 years ago. I have a great marriage and hot, successful husband. I love my family.

^^Here is why you don't post publicly. You could be stalked and not know it.

NP, do you know what stalking mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you have the presence of mind and self control not to pick up the laptop and smash him in the head with it???!?!!! My god--I would explode.

+1 me too! He will be awake in seconds explaining me everything (well, probably lying about everything.)

It’s in part because she lacks the self esteem to know that she deserves so much better than this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to everyone who has provided support and advice. I don't ever remember feeling this much pain my life except when someone I know has died young. And in a way, this is a death as well.

I got the full panel of STD tests this morning. I have retained a divorce lawyer for a consultation next week. I have also retained a private investigator who is beginning surveillance immediately.

At least that will give me some information before I make any decisions.

I cannot eat and I just want to sob but I am trying to act normal.

As I have been surreptitiously doing all these things this morning (which feels gross, as now *I* am telling lies about where I'm going and whom I'm calling), he has been very loving toward me and the kids, as usual. Made them waffles because there was the school delay. Put away a bunch of laundry. Told me how much he appreciates all the love and support I've provided him lately during a stressful period in his career. Making plans for the holidays.

I feel like I am talking to an alien. I have no idea who this person is.

I think I am actually OK if he has sexual needs I cannot fulfill. I could perhaps come to a place of understanding on that. What is not OK is lying to me all the time, giving me an STD, and possibly impregnating or falling in love with someone else.

In reflecting on everything, I have also considered that he is getting a giant payout from his business in early January and I am thinking I am not going to do anything at all until that hits our joint bank account, which by the way I control. God forbid I confront him and he redirects that money to some other account. I worked hard for that money too and contributed a lot to his ability to earn it. I feel like I have no idea who I am even dealing with now.

I have been there op and I agree that this is a death as well. The person that you love died last night. Even if you stay together, he will be a different person to you from now on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Amazing role model you are an idiot.

OP you want to stay fine that is on you. Your kids will think you are a wimp and will blame you later for their messed up relationships. I know women who stayed for the money some are happy their grown up kids nope good luck with that crap because that is what it is crap.

I strongly disagree. I found out as an adult (when I was in my 40s) that my dad cheated on my mom, and my mom turned around and had some revenge cheating. 1) I never knew growing up. 2) both parents were attentive, loving, and good parents, and 3) I did not suspect.

They are still married today (I think 55 years?) and their marriage is strong. Being tested by a little bit of health & aging concerns, but they've been married 55 years. They worked at it. I can see that they still work at it. But they decided being married to each other was better than the alternative.