He's cheating. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Op here. Yes

OP I'm a doc too. My H also cheated. As you consider your options, remember that practicing medicine allows us economic freedom to make the choices we need to. I'm so sorry your H disappointed you. I got out because I could. I can't imagine not having the freedom to make that choice. You will do what's best for you and your children but remember that our careers give us options. You don't have to live with deception. If he's a good father he'll still be a good father, even if he's a bad husband. Above all: you didn't cause this.

Thank you for the moral support. I know I am fortunate to have options and be financially secure. I just don't want my kids to grow up with divorced parents. The thought kills me. I know people do it everyday. But I just can't imagining bringing that pain on my children and would do anything to avoid it. I feel sick and like everything I have tried to build in my life has just gone up in flames.

My kids are far better off with divorced parents, but I would not divorce in your situation.
Parents can control the outcome of a divorce. If you get ugly, it will be bad, but if you are civil, it is fine.
My daughter told me last week she does not understand why people say "sorry" when she says her parents are divorced. She has heard this from kids at school. She says she says back:
"It is really not bad at all. You don't wish for your parents to get divorced, but it is not bad if they do."

If you still love him, don't divorce over this. Divorce only works well afterward if someone is really unhappy in the marriage for many many years (or the entire time).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

It's true. You have to separate the damage of cheating on a marriage versus on a parenting relationship. You can probably be an above average parent and a terrible spouse, but one aspect of parenting that you are failing in modeling a healthy relationship. If your kids do find out, you've set them up for some hard times ahead in their own relationships.

Serial cheating, however, is death to a healthy marriage because of broken trust and respect. It's hard to respect someone who cheats and lies. It's hard to be in partnership with someone you don't respect. Where there is infidelity, there is often financial infidelity. Maybe OP can wrap her head around the flings but if she uncovers how much of the family's finances he has spent in pursuit of other women, she might lose it. For example, what if he spent $5000 on a trip and gifts for his mistress, but they're still not done with the kids' 529 plans?

People stay in unhealthy marriages for all kinds of reasons. I get that an unhealthy marriage may seem better than being a single divorcee to some. I personally don't know anyone who has a healthy marriage after discovering serial cheating, but there are probably examples out there.

You had me until you took the leap that sexual infidelity “often” leads to financial infidelity. You have no way of knowing that. You’re assuming.

I'm the PP. I didn't say "often". But I KNOW it does at least sometimes. And sure, since you brought it up, I would assume in the case of men cheating, especially if they are cheating with younger women, that it happens often.

Am I seeing this? Re-read your post. Yes, you said “often.” It’s right there in black and white.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Oh please. You can love your kids and still cheat on your spouse. Spare us your drivel.

NP. You are obviously a cheater. You can love your kids and cheat because you are selfish and broken, but only a narcissist believes it is between the cheater and spouse. Cheating definitely results in broken homes and families and kids who see each parent at best 50% of the time - it blows up the kids’ world. At a minimum, tge cheater is taking away time that could be didn’t with kids.

I feel the same as PP. Never cheated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've been with a man for 11 years now who has cheated on me multiple times. I stay because I prefer being with him and this version of a life to the alternative. But I say that while fully realizing I have terrible self-esteem and that a big part of me feels like I'm still trying to win him and I don't want to lose. I'm still trying to prove after all these years that I'm the one he wants. I also don't really have traditional views about monogamy, even though when he cheats I hurt as if I did.

Only you can decide if you want to live this way, and you don't need to decide anything quickly. I can tell you that for the first 7 or so years it was something that really ate at me inside. I'd think about it and experience the feelings of betrayal all over again. I became obsessed with constantly checking on him and figuring out his lies. It wasn't healthy at all.

Now it's not really that painful at all anymore. It's sort of like I have become numb to it. And you know what helped? I had my own dalliance a couple of years ago and it was like light bulbs went off everywhere that yes, it could be just about the allure and excitement of someone new and the fire of fresh physical attraction. It made me see his cheating in a whole new way.

Cue the posters who will say I'm a trash human, but just wanted to give you a different perspective.

Pff I don't think you're a trash human! I think everything you say makes sense and you are highly self-aware. and cheating on a man who is a cheater...I dunno, I thought I was fiercely against cheating but maybe I'm not. I think you are providing some valuable perspective here.

If she's doing it with another man's husband and essentially causing the pain she experienced then I do think she's trash. If she's getting her rocks off with single people--fine. But, I don't care if I have been cheated on a marriage with kids I could NEVER EVER do the same to another mother/wife. No way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Yeah, cheating parents are awful at making dinner, dropping the kids at school, helping with homework, and putting the kids to bed.

I really want to know how a good parent can harm the caregiver of their children? Affairs are really distressing, and you can't be an involved parent if your'e trying to also deal with really devastating events in your life. Plus, it's just sort of mean to hurt the mother of your children. I dunno, I don't see how people can be so adamant that cheating is completely separate from parenting.

Partners with children “harm” each other all the time and in many different ways. You’re ridiculous if you think you can’t do any “harm” to your partner and still be a good parent to or love your children.

Of course partners with children harm each other in different ways. I think that doe impact how good of a parent you are to your children. If you love your children, you want what is best for them and you will work toward that, and what's best for children is to have two emotionally healthy parents. How can somebody depriving their children of that is a *good* parent? It makes no sense to me.

[Anonymous]

How do you have the presence of mind and self control not to pick up the laptop and smash him in the head with it???!?!!! My god--I would explode.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've been with a man for 11 years now who has cheated on me multiple times. I stay because I prefer being with him and this version of a life to the alternative. But I say that while fully realizing I have terrible self-esteem and that a big part of me feels like I'm still trying to win him and I don't want to lose. I'm still trying to prove after all these years that I'm the one he wants. I also don't really have traditional views about monogamy, even though when he cheats I hurt as if I did.

Only you can decide if you want to live this way, and you don't need to decide anything quickly. I can tell you that for the first 7 or so years it was something that really ate at me inside. I'd think about it and experience the feelings of betrayal all over again. I became obsessed with constantly checking on him and figuring out his lies. It wasn't healthy at all.

Now it's not really that painful at all anymore. It's sort of like I have become numb to it. And you know what helped? I had my own dalliance a couple of years ago and it was like light bulbs went off everywhere that yes, it could be just about the allure and excitement of someone new and the fire of fresh physical attraction. It made me see his cheating in a whole new way.

Cue the posters who will say I'm a trash human, but just wanted to give you a different perspective.

Pff I don't think you're a trash human! I think everything you say makes sense and you are highly self-aware. and cheating on a man who is a cheater...I dunno, I thought I was fiercely against cheating but maybe I'm not. I think you are providing some valuable perspective here.

If she's doing it with another man's husband and essentially causing the pain she experienced then I do think she's trash. If she's getting her rocks off with single people--fine. But, I don't care if I have been cheated on a marriage with kids I could NEVER EVER do the same to another mother/wife. No way.

I'm PP and I +100 agree!

[Anonymous]

OP. Life without money is not fun or easy. Life without a loving partner is not fun or easy. Life without a parent is not fun or easy with the kids. It sucks. He won't change. Set up some boundaries for yourself, protect yourself, find other things to love and take it easy with decisions that will affect yours and your kids future. You haven't done anything to require this marriage to end. End it or stay in it on your terms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Yeah, cheating parents are awful at making dinner, dropping the kids at school, helping with homework, and putting the kids to bed.

When my H was cheating he didn’t do any of these. He completely checked out and was absent, because he was obsessed with his fantasy life with OW and was always sneaking off or shutting himself in the bathroom to talk to her. The entire time he cheated he never made dinner because he had to “work late” or he’d get home and immediately run out the door to “walk the dogs” (eg call OW) and the only time he put the kids to bed was so he could rush through the routine then hide in the closet texting.

I’m sure there are some people who can maintain basic parenting while cheating, but most become unhappy with their role as parents because they are obsessed with the dream life they *thibk* they could have with AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you have the presence of mind and self control not to pick up the laptop and smash him in the head with it???!?!!! My god--I would explode.

I once had to pull over at an exit after driving off for the day and feeling so much rage about it. I realized it was affecting me so unhealthily I needed desperately to separate his actions from my life.

[Anonymous]

Only you can decide what you can live with, or not.

I'd be worried about disease, is he hiring prostitutes, what other secrets does he have.

That said, if you feel comfortable opening the marriage, that's fine.

I guess I would see a lawyer so at least you know what a post divorce landscape looks like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Yeah, cheating parents are awful at making dinner, dropping the kids at school, helping with homework, and putting the kids to bed.

When my H was cheating he didn’t do any of these. He completely checked out and was absent, because he was obsessed with his fantasy life with OW and was always sneaking off or shutting himself in the bathroom to talk to her. The entire time he cheated he never made dinner because he had to “work late” or he’d get home and immediately run out the door to “walk the dogs” (eg call OW) and the only time he put the kids to bed was so he could rush through the routine then hide in the closet texting.

I’m sure there are some people who can maintain basic parenting while cheating, but most become unhappy with their role as parents because they are obsessed with the dream life they *thibk* they could have with AP.

Sigh. Again we have a poster who insists that her personal experience enables her to say what “most” people do. It doesn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I would discuss with him an open marriage and if you still sleep with him use condoms. I don’t feel it’s feasible to divorce just because of sex, if he’s a great father, and your life is otherwise comfortable. I would be more concerned if he had a serious affair that’s a marriage killer. He seems to have sex dependency

What I find appalling with cheaters is then opening marriage for themselves and often keeping “clean” spouses on call for sex when they want to, and fully unaware.

You should be able to fulfill your sexual desires and feel made adoration as well, not to always think about him and his transgressions.

You have to learn to treat sex as basic bodily function like meals. Your husband has meals out at times, same applies to sex.

Not everyone wants an open marriage. Not everyone wants to live a lie. Some people feel having an open marriage is the same as being divorced or at least separated. The main issue with divorce and separation is that you can't live in the same house or comingle assets easily. That's why people stay. It is something to consider. But lets not try to make everyone into a cheater as a way to solve someone's cheating habits.

Uh, it already is an open marriage. To him. One sided, sure. But he’s busted it wide open already. He’s not going to stop. Maybe for a couple years, but then he’ll be back into it again.

This is so true. I 'accidentally' slept with an older married man in my early twenties. In the beginning, he didn't mention he was married and I didn't try to find out. I was so 'in love' with him at the time. It was ridiculous and obsessive, and I couldn't tell anyone because I knew better, but I did get it together and shut it down. He continued to reach out here and there over the years, until I met DH and I put a stop to all communication at that point. Well, 20 years later and this guy is still married to the same woman, and she still posts happy family pictures from time to time on social media (I know, it's totally sick that I even look once and a while and I wish I didn't). He has no social media presence, obviously because he's got a lot to hide. No doubt in my mind he's serially cheated on her all this time because I knew the cheater version of him. Maybe she's happy? Hard for me to wrap my mind around that, but again, I only knew the cheater version of him, not the husband/father version of him.

Sorry--off-topic: I don't understand why anyone has a public social media account unless they are using it as a celebrity--monitored site.

Nobody can see what I post on Instagram but my immediate and extended family and the very close friends (lifelong childhood/college). I don't accept requests to be followed from school people, neighbors, friends of so and so-- or just have a totally open account. Mind bogglin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. Sending you a huge hug. My mom left my dad after 40 years of marriage due to him having multiple affairs. She simply could no longer live with a liar. If your dh truly loves the kids, he wouldn't continue hurting you (and them) by cheating behind your back. I think we often are clinging to the person we want them to be rather than the person they really are. And that really only benefits them, not us.

Oh please. You can love your kids and still cheat on your spouse. Spare us your drivel.

I realize it is hard to understand someone else's experience as a child of a cheater but try empathy. Cheaters put their own needs first. That's not love.

God, this, times a thousand. I will always wonder why our family wasn't enough for him to put us first, protect and preserve it. - child of cheater

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I would discuss with him an open marriage and if you still sleep with him use condoms. I don’t feel it’s feasible to divorce just because of sex, if he’s a great father, and your life is otherwise comfortable. I would be more concerned if he had a serious affair that’s a marriage killer. He seems to have sex dependency

What I find appalling with cheaters is then opening marriage for themselves and often keeping “clean” spouses on call for sex when they want to, and fully unaware.

You should be able to fulfill your sexual desires and feel made adoration as well, not to always think about him and his transgressions.

You have to learn to treat sex as basic bodily function like meals. Your husband has meals out at times, same applies to sex.

Not everyone wants an open marriage. Not everyone wants to live a lie. Some people feel having an open marriage is the same as being divorced or at least separated. The main issue with divorce and separation is that you can't live in the same house or comingle assets easily. That's why people stay. It is something to consider. But lets not try to make everyone into a cheater as a way to solve someone's cheating habits.

Uh, it already is an open marriage. To him. One sided, sure. But he’s busted it wide open already. He’s not going to stop. Maybe for a couple years, but then he’ll be back into it again.

This is so true. I 'accidentally' slept with an older married man in my early twenties. In the beginning, he didn't mention he was married and I didn't try to find out. I was so 'in love' with him at the time. It was ridiculous and obsessive, and I couldn't tell anyone because I knew better, but I did get it together and shut it down. He continued to reach out here and there over the years, until I met DH and I put a stop to all communication at that point. Well, 20 years later and this guy is still married to the same woman, and she still posts happy family pictures from time to time on social media (I know, it's totally sick that I even look once and a while and I wish I didn't). He has no social media presence, obviously because he's got a lot to hide. No doubt in my mind he's serially cheated on her all this time because I knew the cheater version of him. Maybe she's happy? Hard for me to wrap my mind around that, but again, I only knew the cheater version of him, not the husband/father version of him.

Sorry--off-topic: I don't understand why anyone has a public social media account unless they are using it as a celebrity--monitored site.

Nobody can see what I post on Instagram but my immediate and extended family and the very close friends (lifelong childhood/college). I don't accept requests to be followed from school people, neighbors, friends of so and so-- or just have a totally open account. Mind bogglin.

Only about 12% of Twitter accounts are private. You can't easily engage in conversations with people who aren't your "friends" with a private account. For example when I'm at a business conference, I'll tweet using the hashtag for the conference and get in discussions with others at the conference that way.