He's cheating. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to everyone who has provided support and advice. I don't ever remember feeling this much pain my life except when someone I know has died young. And in a way, this is a death as well.

I got the full panel of STD tests this morning. I have retained a divorce lawyer for a consultation next week. I have also retained a private investigator who is beginning surveillance immediately.

At least that will give me some information before I make any decisions.

I cannot eat and I just want to sob but I am trying to act normal.

As I have been surreptitiously doing all these things this morning (which feels gross, as now *I* am telling lies about where I'm going and whom I'm calling), he has been very loving toward me and the kids, as usual. Made them waffles because there was the school delay. Put away a bunch of laundry. Told me how much he appreciates all the love and support I've provided him lately during a stressful period in his career. Making plans for the holidays.

I feel like I am talking to an alien. I have no idea who this person is.

I think I am actually OK if he has sexual needs I cannot fulfill. I could perhaps come to a place of understanding on that. What is not OK is lying to me all the time, giving me an STD, and possibly impregnating or falling in love with someone else.

In reflecting on everything, I have also considered that he is getting a giant payout from his business in early January and I am thinking I am not going to do anything at all until that hits our joint bank account, which by the way I control. God forbid I confront him and he redirects that money to some other account. I worked hard for that money too and contributed a lot to his ability to earn it. I feel like I have no idea who I am even dealing with now.

Smart. What are you going to do if he wants sex between now and then?

First of all, there's been a noticeable dip in our sex life in the last month, though I think or thought that is because we've all been sick with various illnesses plus he has had an injury. So he might not ask at all, as he is still recovering from that, or telling me he is still recovering. Plus he is going to be on business travel some of the time, and we'll be at family some of the rest of the time, so I'm hoping there won't be too many opportunities.

Second, we always use condoms anyway, because we really, really do not want more kids and he hasn't had a vasectomy. I see now how him not getting a vasectomy gives him a reason to keep using condoms with me, which in his mind probably solves the STD problem from his behavior. It would be interesting to push him to get the vasectomy and see how he reacts, since that would remove any reason to use condoms. However, I am aware that condoms don't protect you from everything.

Beyond that, I don't know. It would be hard for me to have sex with him right now, so I'd probably lie and say I have a yeast infection or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

To me it's kind of like driving the kid with no seatbelt on. Or sending them out on a bike with no helment. You love them, you are about them, you think chances are they'll be fine, you won't have an accident. But then OOPS your choice to engage in risky behavior ends up hurting your kids. Well, that's the risk you chose to take. The kid had no choice in the matter. You made the choice, and you hurt your kid[b].

'
+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to everyone who has provided support and advice. I don't ever remember feeling this much pain my life except when someone I know has died young. And in a way, this is a death as well.

I got the full panel of STD tests this morning. I have retained a divorce lawyer for a consultation next week. I have also retained a private investigator who is beginning surveillance immediately.

At least that will give me some information before I make any decisions.

I cannot eat and I just want to sob but I am trying to act normal.

As I have been surreptitiously doing all these things this morning (which feels gross, as now *I* am telling lies about where I'm going and whom I'm calling), he has been very loving toward me and the kids, as usual. Made them waffles because there was the school delay. Put away a bunch of laundry. Told me how much he appreciates all the love and support I've provided him lately during a stressful period in his career. Making plans for the holidays.

I feel like I am talking to an alien. I have no idea who this person is.

I think I am actually OK if he has sexual needs I cannot fulfill. I could perhaps come to a place of understanding on that. What is not OK is lying to me all the time, giving me an STD, and possibly impregnating or falling in love with someone else.

In reflecting on everything, I have also considered that he is getting a giant payout from his business in early January and I am thinking I am not going to do anything at all until that hits our joint bank account, which by the way I control. God forbid I confront him and he redirects that money to some other account. I worked hard for that money too and contributed a lot to his ability to earn it. I feel like I have no idea who I am even dealing with now.

Smart. What are you going to do if he wants sex between now and then?

First of all, there's been a noticeable dip in our sex life in the last month, though I think or thought that is because we've all been sick with various illnesses plus he has had an injury. So he might not ask at all, as he is still recovering from that, or telling me he is still recovering. Plus he is going to be on business travel some of the time, and we'll be at family some of the rest of the time, so I'm hoping there won't be too many opportunities.

Second, we always use condoms anyway, because we really, really do not want more kids and he hasn't had a vasectomy. I see now how him not getting a vasectomy gives him a reason to keep using condoms with me, which in his mind probably solves the STD problem from his behavior. It would be interesting to push him to get the vasectomy and see how he reacts, since that would remove any reason to use condoms. However, I am aware that condoms don't protect you from everything.

Beyond that, I don't know. It would be hard for me to have sex with him right now, so I'd probably lie and say I have a yeast infection or something.

If you don't want to be paying child support/paternity cost to another woman and have your kids' inheritance split, you'd be wise to push for that vasectomy STAT.

[Anonymous]

I see you're thinking about vasectomy. Do this now. Immediately. This is the most important thing you can do to protect your family's futute (and assets)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I would discuss with him an open marriage and if you still sleep with him use condoms. I don’t feel it’s feasible to divorce just because of sex, if he’s a great father, and your life is otherwise comfortable. I would be more concerned if he had a serious affair that’s a marriage killer. He seems to have sex dependency

What I find appalling with cheaters is then opening marriage for themselves and often keeping “clean” spouses on call for sex when they want to, and fully unaware.

You should be able to fulfill your sexual desires and feel made adoration as well, not to always think about him and his transgressions.

You have to learn to treat sex as basic bodily function like meals. Your husband has meals out at times, same applies to sex.

This.

I would confront him only that I would require condoms in the future, assuming I wanted to stay in the marriage.

How are you supposed to kiss a husband you know is likely having oral sex with other people? How do you perform that function for him knowing where his parts have been? Do you wear a condom for that too?

The same way men can marry and kiss a woman who's not a virgin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Yeah, cheating parents are awful at making dinner, dropping the kids at school, helping with homework, and putting the kids to bed.

When my H was cheating he didn’t do any of these. He completely checked out and was absent, because he was obsessed with his fantasy life with OW and was always sneaking off or shutting himself in the bathroom to talk to her. The entire time he cheated he never made dinner because he had to “work late” or he’d get home and immediately run out the door to “walk the dogs” (eg call OW) and the only time he put the kids to bed was so he could rush through the routine then hide in the closet texting.

I’m sure there are some people who can maintain basic parenting while cheating, but most become unhappy with their role as parents because they are obsessed with the dream life they *thibk* they could have with AP.

Sigh. Again we have a poster who insists that her personal experience enables her to say what “most” people do. It doesn’t.

Nearly ALL cheaters scapegoat their spouses so they can feel better about their lying/betrayal. They become very critical in every which way of their spouse and start openly criticizing and finding fault so that the spouse is walking on eggshells and jumping through hoops to try to please...and they have anger that will go off on something that isn't a big deal. It's very much a psychology to make the spouse the reason for their cheating and to justify their actions. Cheaters don't even see themselves doing this.

All these cheaters that think they are wonderful parents/spouses are being d*cks over time at home. Also, it's been shown that many women can sense (even if they have no reason to think spouse is cheating) betrayal. They guy smells different to them/turns them off. It's a biological response of protection.

Again, you are in no position to classify “nearly ALL” of any one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see you're thinking about vasectomy. Do this now. Immediately. This is the most important thing you can do to protect your family's futute (and assets)

Yes, I will bring this up with him today or tomorrow. We went out to dinner last night with friends who were exhausted from being up all night with twin toddlers. It is the perfect excuse to remind him it's time for the snip. Can't wait to see the look on his face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see you're thinking about vasectomy. Do this now. Immediately. This is the most important thing you can do to protect your family's futute (and assets)

Kind of? My friends' ex had his reversed and started a second family family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

To me it's kind of like driving the kid with no seatbelt on. Or sending them out on a bike with no helment. You love them, you are about them, you think chances are they'll be fine, you won't have an accident. But then OOPS your choice to engage in risky behavior ends up hurting your kids. Well, that's the risk you chose to take. The kid had no choice in the matter. You made the choice, and you hurt your kid.

Whatever. Nobody’s perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Amazing role model you are an idiot.

OP you want to stay fine that is on you. Your kids will think you are a wimp and will blame you later for their messed up relationships. I know women who stayed for the money some are happy their grown up kids nope good luck with that crap because that is what it is crap.

I strongly disagree. I found out as an adult (when I was in my 40s) that my dad cheated on my mom, and my mom turned around and had some revenge cheating. 1) I never knew growing up. 2) both parents were attentive, loving, and good parents, and 3) I did not suspect.

They are still married today (I think 55 years?) and their marriage is strong. Being tested by a little bit of health & aging concerns, but they've been married 55 years. They worked at it. I can see that they still work at it. But they decided being married to each other was better than the alternative.

You don’t know what you missed out on. A lot of people think their childhoods were hunky dory but then they do some soul searching and realize they weren’t. I’m glad you feel like you has a good childhood and you probably did but your parents were going through a lot and when people go through a lot they are less engaged with others than they otherwise would be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I would discuss with him an open marriage and if you still sleep with him use condoms. I don’t feel it’s feasible to divorce just because of sex, if he’s a great father, and your life is otherwise comfortable. I would be more concerned if he had a serious affair that’s a marriage killer. He seems to have sex dependency

What I find appalling with cheaters is then opening marriage for themselves and often keeping “clean” spouses on call for sex when they want to, and fully unaware.

You should be able to fulfill your sexual desires and feel made adoration as well, not to always think about him and his transgressions.

You have to learn to treat sex as basic bodily function like meals. Your husband has meals out at times, same applies to sex.

This.

I would confront him only that I would require condoms in the future, assuming I wanted to stay in the marriage.

How are you supposed to kiss a husband you know is likely having oral sex with other people? How do you perform that function for him knowing where his parts have been? Do you wear a condom for that too?

totally aside from the cheating issue, did your significant other come to you as a virgin?

People have a lot of hang ups about sex being dirty.

Yes, we met very young and each lost our virginity to the other.

The funny thing is, we've had what I thought was a pretty dirty (in a good way) sex life for the last 20+ years. We've been pretty adventurous. Tried all kinds of new things. Not super kinky I guess but robust and regular. Only short breaks around the births of our children. I've never said no to anything he wanted to do or try, I've worn all kinds of outfits and played with toys and watched porn and all kinds of stuff. Ask and ye shall receive. I enjoy sex.

Everything I saw from his laptop is him meeting up with a couple for threesomes with a man and a woman. In the exchanges he's very clear he's straight and not looking for sex with the man, but rather for another man to enjoy a beautiful woman with. He's told over the years this is a fantasy of his, but never asked me to act it out with him in real life. It never crossed my mind he would go from telling me this fantasy to acting it out with 2 strangers.

This is different. It would be easier for me to potentially forgive in some ways because he's looking for an experience and not another person per se; however, now that you see him as a liar and how easily he does it to you, it will be hard to see him any other way.

OP, without making any excuses for him, he is probably struggling with immense guilt. I doubt the love for you and the kids is fake. Life is complicated sometimes. It sounds like he needs professional help. The person you describe does not sound like a POS. He sounds like a deeply flawed human, possibly with a serious addiction.

I think you're absolutely doing the right thing re: protection your assets and gathering information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

As I have been surreptitiously doing all these things this morning (which feels gross, as now *I* am telling lies about where I'm going and whom I'm calling), he has been very loving toward me and the kids, as usual. Made them waffles because there was the school delay. Put away a bunch of laundry. Told me how much he appreciates all the love and support I've provided him lately during a stressful period in his career. Making plans for the holidays.

Consider the alternative as you ponder your decisions. If you do get divorced, will you want to get married again? If so, are you going to find a man with no baggage, and who does the things you mentioned above, and is looking to date a middle-aged single mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Amazing role model you are an idiot.

OP you want to stay fine that is on you. Your kids will think you are a wimp and will blame you later for their messed up relationships. I know women who stayed for the money some are happy their grown up kids nope good luck with that crap because that is what it is crap.

I strongly disagree. I found out as an adult (when I was in my 40s) that my dad cheated on my mom, and my mom turned around and had some revenge cheating. 1) I never knew growing up. 2) both parents were attentive, loving, and good parents, and 3) I did not suspect.

They are still married today (I think 55 years?) and their marriage is strong. Being tested by a little bit of health & aging concerns, but they've been married 55 years. They worked at it. I can see that they still work at it. But they decided being married to each other was better than the alternative.

You don’t know what you missed out on. A lot of people think their childhoods were hunky dory but then they do some soul searching and realize they weren’t. I’m glad you feel like you has a good childhood and you probably did but your parents were going through a lot and when people go through a lot they are less engaged with others than they otherwise would be.

Oh STFU. If the rule was that only perfect people with perfect marriages could have kids there would be no kids. And if this poster says she had a nice childhood she had a nice childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I would discuss with him an open marriage and if you still sleep with him use condoms. I don’t feel it’s feasible to divorce just because of sex, if he’s a great father, and your life is otherwise comfortable. I would be more concerned if he had a serious affair that’s a marriage killer. He seems to have sex dependency

What I find appalling with cheaters is then opening marriage for themselves and often keeping “clean” spouses on call for sex when they want to, and fully unaware.

You should be able to fulfill your sexual desires and feel made adoration as well, not to always think about him and his transgressions.

You have to learn to treat sex as basic bodily function like meals. Your husband has meals out at times, same applies to sex.

This.

I would confront him only that I would require condoms in the future, assuming I wanted to stay in the marriage.

How are you supposed to kiss a husband you know is likely having oral sex with other people? How do you perform that function for him knowing where his parts have been? Do you wear a condom for that too?

totally aside from the cheating issue, did your significant other come to you as a virgin?

People have a lot of hang ups about sex being dirty.

Yes, we met very young and each lost our virginity to the other.

The funny thing is, we've had what I thought was a pretty dirty (in a good way) sex life for the last 20+ years. We've been pretty adventurous. Tried all kinds of new things. Not super kinky I guess but robust and regular. Only short breaks around the births of our children. I've never said no to anything he wanted to do or try, I've worn all kinds of outfits and played with toys and watched porn and all kinds of stuff. Ask and ye shall receive. I enjoy sex.

Everything I saw from his laptop is him meeting up with a couple for threesomes with a man and a woman. In the exchanges he's very clear he's straight and not looking for sex with the man, but rather for another man to enjoy a beautiful woman with. He's told over the years this is a fantasy of his, but never asked me to act it out with him in real life. It never crossed my mind he would go from telling me this fantasy to acting it out with 2 strangers.

This is different. It would be easier for me to potentially forgive in some ways because he's looking for an experience and not another person per se; however, now that you see him as a liar and how easily he does it to you, it will be hard to see him any other way.

OP, without making any excuses for him, he is probably struggling with immense guilt. I doubt the love for you and the kids is fake. Life is complicated sometimes. It sounds like he needs professional help. The person you describe does not sound like a POS. He sounds like a deeply flawed human, possibly with a serious addiction.

I think you're absolutely doing the right thing re: protection your assets and gathering information.

I dunno, that level of pretending and duplicity, the “thank you for making it possible for me to have this great job” stuff makes me sick to my stomach, and I’m not OP! I don’t know which is worse, this or a cheater being grumpy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Yeah, cheating parents are awful at making dinner, dropping the kids at school, helping with homework, and putting the kids to bed.

I really want to know how a good parent can harm the caregiver of their children? Affairs are really distressing, and you can't be an involved parent if your'e trying to also deal with really devastating events in your life. Plus, it's just sort of mean to hurt the mother of your children. I dunno, I don't see how people can be so adamant that cheating is completely separate from parenting.

+1

To those who say you can still be a good parent if you're a cheater, do you feel the same way if instead they were physically abusing their spouse?