When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

[Anonymous]

Never. Why would you tell your kids this? Move on. If one of you didn’t cheat you’d still end up divorced. It was a symptom.

My wife cheated and moved out 7 years ago. I can’t even imagine telling my kids. I love them too much. Get over yourself. Move on. Take a class. Focus on building a nice life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never. Why would you tell your kids this? Move on. If one of you didn’t cheat you’d still end up divorced. It was a symptom.

My wife cheated and moved out 7 years ago. I can’t even imagine telling my kids. I love them too much. Get over yourself. Move on. Take a class. Focus on building a nice life.

No way. There are men out there telling other men they wish they could kill their wives - I've seen this publicly on facebook myself - (or they are actually doing this in which case you'll see them on the news with a report of a murder) because they have to pay child support or their wife had an affair. Telling your kids dad or mom had an affair and doesn't love me the same way they used to is healthy and true and much better than harboring resentment for years. Then they know and everyone can move on. Cheating is a symptom of the way someone deals with a relationship. It isn't the effect of someone else's behavior on them. Someone else's behavior may trigger feelings in another person but they always have other options. Again and I don't know why this keeps having to be repeated, but unless you are defending yourself against someone then your actions are your own. There are very very few instances where cheating is somehow protecting the person actually cheating from abuse by another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are two questions here. The first one, do you proactively tell your children that a parent cheated? The answer to that, to me, is no.

Your kids should not be in the middle of their parents fights. And they shouldn't feel responsible for picking a side. And the moment one parent decides to put the burden of that knowledge on them, they will feel that. Just like your kids might know you're not wealthy but shouldn't know how much is in your bank account and when the electricity bill is due, they can know that the marriage is struggling but don't need to know the details if both parents expect to play active present roles in their kids lives.

When a marriage ends because...the two people just fell out of love or something more ambiguous and harder to grasp you don't give your kids your marriage counseling notes. They just don't need to know that.

That said, the second question, 'should I tell my kid's that I/their parent had and affair when they ask me directly?' I think the answer to that is to be honest in a way that doesn't make the child feel like they should cut off the other partner. If they have figured it out, then lying to them is in fact gaslighting. But again, the primary goal should be avoiding inserting the child into the fight as a player vs spectator.

And perhaps a third question is, 'if my spouse had an affair and just bounced out of our lives, should I be honest with my kid?' And in that case, where one parent either abandoned the kid or truly put them on the 'first family' back burner, you should be honest with them about what happened and validate their feelings and not push them to try have a relationship with an absent crappy parent where they end up continually crushed with disappointment.

You aren’t god. Stop acting like there is one way. I happen to disagree and think the truth is best always but without the vindictiveness. Every time in my life when someone has withheld information that would have been helpful has just made me more confused. And if it’s cheating than quite easily the kid feels odd the hook. People think differently about these things.

I'm not a god, certainly. But one thing that is shown time and time again when evaluating outcomes with children of divorce and whether they maintain positive relationships with their parents is whether the parents put the kid in the middle of the conflict. Think what you want but inserting the child into the conflict is NOT good for the child. That doesn't mean lying if the kid asks directly when they are older, but it means not pushing the responsibility to act on that information to the kid.

Telling your child that you left your husband because he was regularly cheating on you and you felt used, betrayed, and unsafe with people you didn't know in the house is not putting your child in the middle. Nor is it explicit. Saying to your child he was having sex with her in our bedroom and using my clothes and my sheets and then coming home and lying to me and having sex with me and now I have a disease and found all their gross sex toys is explicit. Saying to your child daddy cheated and is moving in with his affair partner because he was so unhappy having to do all the childcare and housework even though he told me he loved me is putting your child in the middle.

The bolded is ALSO putting your kid in the middle. Whether you want to believe it or not.

It's putting the child appropriately in the middle where they will have to be because of the divorce. It's facing reality. Obviously, the kids will have to go to each other's houses and eventually they will learn what happens. Perhaps at age 5 this isn't necessary and is even confusing, but by teen years kids should know why their parents split.

[Anonymous]

Telling your kids dad or mom had an affair and doesn't love me the same way they used to is healthy and true and much better than harboring resentment for years

It’s about the kids. Not your resentment as the priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Telling your kids dad or mom had an affair and doesn't love me the same way they used to is healthy and true and much better than harboring resentment for years

It’s about the kids. Not your resentment as the priority.

I don't hide from my kids bad things that happen in life. I don't pretend anything for them. Idon't want them to think we split up for any old reason. That's not fair to the marriage or to their feeling of security. I don't make a big deal of it, but I also don't hide it. How surprising that cheaters think hiding cheating is a solution. Stop hiding things and being sneaky and maybe people will have more respect for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are two questions here. The first one, do you proactively tell your children that a parent cheated? The answer to that, to me, is no.

Your kids should not be in the middle of their parents fights. And they shouldn't feel responsible for picking a side. And the moment one parent decides to put the burden of that knowledge on them, they will feel that. Just like your kids might know you're not wealthy but shouldn't know how much is in your bank account and when the electricity bill is due, they can know that the marriage is struggling but don't need to know the details if both parents expect to play active present roles in their kids lives.

When a marriage ends because...the two people just fell out of love or something more ambiguous and harder to grasp you don't give your kids your marriage counseling notes. They just don't need to know that.

That said, the second question, 'should I tell my kid's that I/their parent had and affair when they ask me directly?' I think the answer to that is to be honest in a way that doesn't make the child feel like they should cut off the other partner. If they have figured it out, then lying to them is in fact gaslighting. But again, the primary goal should be avoiding inserting the child into the fight as a player vs spectator.

And perhaps a third question is, 'if my spouse had an affair and just bounced out of our lives, should I be honest with my kid?' And in that case, where one parent either abandoned the kid or truly put them on the 'first family' back burner, you should be honest with them about what happened and validate their feelings and not push them to try have a relationship with an absent crappy parent where they end up continually crushed with disappointment.

You aren’t god. Stop acting like there is one way. I happen to disagree and think the truth is best always but without the vindictiveness. Every time in my life when someone has withheld information that would have been helpful has just made me more confused. And if it’s cheating than quite easily the kid feels odd the hook. People think differently about these things.

I'm not a god, certainly. But one thing that is shown time and time again when evaluating outcomes with children of divorce and whether they maintain positive relationships with their parents is whether the parents put the kid in the middle of the conflict. Think what you want but inserting the child into the conflict is NOT good for the child. That doesn't mean lying if the kid asks directly when they are older, but it means not pushing the responsibility to act on that information to the kid.

Telling your child that you left your husband because he was regularly cheating on you and you felt used, betrayed, and unsafe with people you didn't know in the house is not putting your child in the middle. Nor is it explicit. Saying to your child he was having sex with her in our bedroom and using my clothes and my sheets and then coming home and lying to me and having sex with me and now I have a disease and found all their gross sex toys is explicit. Saying to your child daddy cheated and is moving in with his affair partner because he was so unhappy having to do all the childcare and housework even though he told me he loved me is putting your child in the middle.

The bolded is ALSO putting your kid in the middle. Whether you want to believe it or not.

It's putting the child appropriately in the middle where they will have to be because of the divorce. It's facing reality. Obviously, the kids will have to go to each other's houses and eventually they will learn what happens. Perhaps at age 5 this isn't necessary and is even confusing, but by teen years kids should know why their parents split.

PERHAPS AT 5 THIS ISN'T NECESSARY? Listen to yourself. This would be ENTIRELY inappropriate to tell a 5 year olds. 5 year olds think they will marry their brothers and have, at best, a very very limited understanding of romantic love and sexual relationships. The very fact that you are citing 5 as on the questionable line shows how incredibly bad judgement you have on this.

Teens only 'need to know' under two circumstances. If they will find out in some way other than from the parents, or if they have pieced it together and ask the parents directly. Anything else is just one parent having an agenda for having the kids be in the middle of that.

You know what, a cheating spouse that breaks up the family creates a stab wound. Stab wounds can be severe, but frequently they can also be fixed.

A bitter parent that holds onto resentment and hate for years and years and ensures the child is wallowing in there with them is a cancer. It eats at everyone for so long that all involve become unrecognizable. Cheaters can be really horrible and reprehensible people but do not fool yourself, if you're holding onto hate for years and letting that bleed into your kid's childhood and ruin it you're no better than the cheater from a parenting perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Telling your kids dad or mom had an affair and doesn't love me the same way they used to is healthy and true and much better than harboring resentment for years

It’s about the kids. Not your resentment as the priority.

I don't hide from my kids bad things that happen in life. I don't pretend anything for them. Idon't want them to think we split up for any old reason. That's not fair to the marriage or to their feeling of security. I don't make a big deal of it, but I also don't hide it. How surprising that cheaters think hiding cheating is a solution. Stop hiding things and being sneaky and maybe people will have more respect for you.

Lots of us aren't cheaters, we're the children of divorced people who put us in the middle of their crap for our whole freaking lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Telling your kids dad or mom had an affair and doesn't love me the same way they used to is healthy and true and much better than harboring resentment for years

It’s about the kids. Not your resentment as the priority.

I don't hide from my kids bad things that happen in life. I don't pretend anything for them. Idon't want them to think we split up for any old reason. That's not fair to the marriage or to their feeling of security. I don't make a big deal of it, but I also don't hide it. How surprising that cheaters think hiding cheating is a solution. Stop hiding things and being sneaky and maybe people will have more respect for you.

Lots of us aren't cheaters, we're the children of divorced people who put us in the middle of their crap for our whole freaking lives.

Well you seem to be doing the same thing you are telling your mom or dad not to do. Being bitter. Get over it then. Tell your truth. You were hurt by the divorce or the bad talk or whatever you felt towards other people and get on with it. It will free you. You were not responsible for their actions. You also don't own their actions and feelings so stop asking them to have the same feelings as you. They don't. They are people with their own faults and feelings and you don't need to be accountable to them or expect them or yourself to be perfect. Some things particularly infidelity are unfixable. That's why people were stoned to death and it's actually an at-fault reason for divorce. People do not need to hold onto the secrets of others - period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are two questions here. The first one, do you proactively tell your children that a parent cheated? The answer to that, to me, is no.

Your kids should not be in the middle of their parents fights. And they shouldn't feel responsible for picking a side. And the moment one parent decides to put the burden of that knowledge on them, they will feel that. Just like your kids might know you're not wealthy but shouldn't know how much is in your bank account and when the electricity bill is due, they can know that the marriage is struggling but don't need to know the details if both parents expect to play active present roles in their kids lives.

When a marriage ends because...the two people just fell out of love or something more ambiguous and harder to grasp you don't give your kids your marriage counseling notes. They just don't need to know that.

That said, the second question, 'should I tell my kid's that I/their parent had and affair when they ask me directly?' I think the answer to that is to be honest in a way that doesn't make the child feel like they should cut off the other partner. If they have figured it out, then lying to them is in fact gaslighting. But again, the primary goal should be avoiding inserting the child into the fight as a player vs spectator.

And perhaps a third question is, 'if my spouse had an affair and just bounced out of our lives, should I be honest with my kid?' And in that case, where one parent either abandoned the kid or truly put them on the 'first family' back burner, you should be honest with them about what happened and validate their feelings and not push them to try have a relationship with an absent crappy parent where they end up continually crushed with disappointment.

You aren’t god. Stop acting like there is one way. I happen to disagree and think the truth is best always but without the vindictiveness. Every time in my life when someone has withheld information that would have been helpful has just made me more confused. And if it’s cheating than quite easily the kid feels odd the hook. People think differently about these things.

I'm not a god, certainly. But one thing that is shown time and time again when evaluating outcomes with children of divorce and whether they maintain positive relationships with their parents is whether the parents put the kid in the middle of the conflict. Think what you want but inserting the child into the conflict is NOT good for the child. That doesn't mean lying if the kid asks directly when they are older, but it means not pushing the responsibility to act on that information to the kid.

Telling your child that you left your husband because he was regularly cheating on you and you felt used, betrayed, and unsafe with people you didn't know in the house is not putting your child in the middle. Nor is it explicit. Saying to your child he was having sex with her in our bedroom and using my clothes and my sheets and then coming home and lying to me and having sex with me and now I have a disease and found all their gross sex toys is explicit. Saying to your child daddy cheated and is moving in with his affair partner because he was so unhappy having to do all the childcare and housework even though he told me he loved me is putting your child in the middle.

The bolded is ALSO putting your kid in the middle. Whether you want to believe it or not.

It's putting the child appropriately in the middle where they will have to be because of the divorce. It's facing reality. Obviously, the kids will have to go to each other's houses and eventually they will learn what happens. Perhaps at age 5 this isn't necessary and is even confusing, but by teen years kids should know why their parents split.

PERHAPS AT 5 THIS ISN'T NECESSARY? Listen to yourself. This would be ENTIRELY inappropriate to tell a 5 year olds. 5 year olds think they will marry their brothers and have, at best, a very very limited understanding of romantic love and sexual relationships. The very fact that you are citing 5 as on the questionable line shows how incredibly bad judgement you have on this.

Teens only 'need to know' under two circumstances. If they will find out in some way other than from the parents, or if they have pieced it together and ask the parents directly. Anything else is just one parent having an agenda for having the kids be in the middle of that.

You know what, a cheating spouse that breaks up the family creates a stab wound. Stab wounds can be severe, but frequently they can also be fixed.

A bitter parent that holds onto resentment and hate for years and years and ensures the child is wallowing in there with them is a cancer. It eats at everyone for so long that all involve become unrecognizable. Cheaters can be really horrible and reprehensible people but do not fool yourself, if you're holding onto hate for years and letting that bleed into your kid's childhood and ruin it you're no better than the cheater from a parenting perspective.

Telling a teenager we are divorcing because your dad wants to be with some other woman is not holding onto bitterness. It's just being honest and then everyone can move on with their new lives. You are the one that wants people to carry secrets forever. We've moved onto summer camp and high school.

[Anonymous]

Never was my choice. Son is now 34 and might have figured it out on his own, but we have never discussed the reason for the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never was my choice. Son is now 34 and might have figured it out on his own, but we have never discussed the reason for the divorce.

It's not healthy. People come to the wrong conclusions and then it affects their life later on. Just be real and don't go on about it like you can't recover or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never. Why would you tell your kids this? Move on. If one of you didn’t cheat you’d still end up divorced. It was a symptom.

My wife cheated and moved out 7 years ago. I can’t even imagine telling my kids. I love them too much. Get over yourself. Move on. Take a class. Focus on building a nice life.

No way. There are men out there telling other men they wish they could kill their wives - I've seen this publicly on facebook myself - (or they are actually doing this in which case you'll see them on the news with a report of a murder) because they have to pay child support or their wife had an affair. Telling your kids dad or mom had an affair and doesn't love me the same way they used to is healthy and true and much better than harboring resentment for years. Then they know and everyone can move on. Cheating is a symptom of the way someone deals with a relationship. It isn't the effect of someone else's behavior on them. Someone else's behavior may trigger feelings in another person but they always have other options. Again and I don't know why this keeps having to be repeated, but unless you are defending yourself against someone then your actions are your own. There are very very few instances where cheating is somehow protecting the person actually cheating from abuse by another.

This has nothing to do with protecting anyone or saving people from being killed. It’s essentially child abuse to have your parent trash talked by the other parent even if it’s true. Kids will find out the other parent is a pos on their own.

If you need to talk about your ex and their cheating to your kids you clearly haven’t moved on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are two questions here. The first one, do you proactively tell your children that a parent cheated? The answer to that, to me, is no.

Your kids should not be in the middle of their parents fights. And they shouldn't feel responsible for picking a side. And the moment one parent decides to put the burden of that knowledge on them, they will feel that. Just like your kids might know you're not wealthy but shouldn't know how much is in your bank account and when the electricity bill is due, they can know that the marriage is struggling but don't need to know the details if both parents expect to play active present roles in their kids lives.

When a marriage ends because...the two people just fell out of love or something more ambiguous and harder to grasp you don't give your kids your marriage counseling notes. They just don't need to know that.

That said, the second question, 'should I tell my kid's that I/their parent had and affair when they ask me directly?' I think the answer to that is to be honest in a way that doesn't make the child feel like they should cut off the other partner. If they have figured it out, then lying to them is in fact gaslighting. But again, the primary goal should be avoiding inserting the child into the fight as a player vs spectator.

And perhaps a third question is, 'if my spouse had an affair and just bounced out of our lives, should I be honest with my kid?' And in that case, where one parent either abandoned the kid or truly put them on the 'first family' back burner, you should be honest with them about what happened and validate their feelings and not push them to try have a relationship with an absent crappy parent where they end up continually crushed with disappointment.

You aren’t god. Stop acting like there is one way. I happen to disagree and think the truth is best always but without the vindictiveness. Every time in my life when someone has withheld information that would have been helpful has just made me more confused. And if it’s cheating than quite easily the kid feels odd the hook. People think differently about these things.

I'm not a god, certainly. But one thing that is shown time and time again when evaluating outcomes with children of divorce and whether they maintain positive relationships with their parents is whether the parents put the kid in the middle of the conflict. Think what you want but inserting the child into the conflict is NOT good for the child. That doesn't mean lying if the kid asks directly when they are older, but it means not pushing the responsibility to act on that information to the kid.

Telling your child that you left your husband because he was regularly cheating on you and you felt used, betrayed, and unsafe with people you didn't know in the house is not putting your child in the middle. Nor is it explicit. Saying to your child he was having sex with her in our bedroom and using my clothes and my sheets and then coming home and lying to me and having sex with me and now I have a disease and found all their gross sex toys is explicit. Saying to your child daddy cheated and is moving in with his affair partner because he was so unhappy having to do all the childcare and housework even though he told me he loved me is putting your child in the middle.

The bolded is ALSO putting your kid in the middle. Whether you want to believe it or not.

It's putting the child appropriately in the middle where they will have to be because of the divorce. It's facing reality. Obviously, the kids will have to go to each other's houses and eventually they will learn what happens. Perhaps at age 5 this isn't necessary and is even confusing, but by teen years kids should know why their parents split.

PERHAPS AT 5 THIS ISN'T NECESSARY? Listen to yourself. This would be ENTIRELY inappropriate to tell a 5 year olds. 5 year olds think they will marry their brothers and have, at best, a very very limited understanding of romantic love and sexual relationships. The very fact that you are citing 5 as on the questionable line shows how incredibly bad judgement you have on this.

Teens only 'need to know' under two circumstances. If they will find out in some way other than from the parents, or if they have pieced it together and ask the parents directly. Anything else is just one parent having an agenda for having the kids be in the middle of that.

You know what, a cheating spouse that breaks up the family creates a stab wound. Stab wounds can be severe, but frequently they can also be fixed.

A bitter parent that holds onto resentment and hate for years and years and ensures the child is wallowing in there with them is a cancer. It eats at everyone for so long that all involve become unrecognizable. Cheaters can be really horrible and reprehensible people but do not fool yourself, if you're holding onto hate for years and letting that bleed into your kid's childhood and ruin it you're no better than the cheater from a parenting perspective.

Telling a teenager we are divorcing because your dad wants to be with some other woman is not holding onto bitterness. It's just being honest and then everyone can move on with their new lives. You are the one that wants people to carry secrets forever. We've moved onto summer camp and high school.

This is a one-off case most men and women who cheat - even if they think they’re in love - don’t end up with the AP. If the ex has married the AP then it’s obvious. It’s a different situation. But even then what’s the point of going into details. Everyone knows it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never. Why would you tell your kids this? Move on. If one of you didn’t cheat you’d still end up divorced. It was a symptom.

My wife cheated and moved out 7 years ago. I can’t even imagine telling my kids. I love them too much. Get over yourself. Move on. Take a class. Focus on building a nice life.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are two questions here. The first one, do you proactively tell your children that a parent cheated? The answer to that, to me, is no.

Your kids should not be in the middle of their parents fights. And they shouldn't feel responsible for picking a side. And the moment one parent decides to put the burden of that knowledge on them, they will feel that. Just like your kids might know you're not wealthy but shouldn't know how much is in your bank account and when the electricity bill is due, they can know that the marriage is struggling but don't need to know the details if both parents expect to play active present roles in their kids lives.

When a marriage ends because...the two people just fell out of love or something more ambiguous and harder to grasp you don't give your kids your marriage counseling notes. They just don't need to know that.

That said, the second question, 'should I tell my kid's that I/their parent had and affair when they ask me directly?' I think the answer to that is to be honest in a way that doesn't make the child feel like they should cut off the other partner. If they have figured it out, then lying to them is in fact gaslighting. But again, the primary goal should be avoiding inserting the child into the fight as a player vs spectator.

And perhaps a third question is, 'if my spouse had an affair and just bounced out of our lives, should I be honest with my kid?' And in that case, where one parent either abandoned the kid or truly put them on the 'first family' back burner, you should be honest with them about what happened and validate their feelings and not push them to try have a relationship with an absent crappy parent where they end up continually crushed with disappointment.

You aren’t god. Stop acting like there is one way. I happen to disagree and think the truth is best always but without the vindictiveness. Every time in my life when someone has withheld information that would have been helpful has just made me more confused. And if it’s cheating than quite easily the kid feels odd the hook. People think differently about these things.

I'm not a god, certainly. But one thing that is shown time and time again when evaluating outcomes with children of divorce and whether they maintain positive relationships with their parents is whether the parents put the kid in the middle of the conflict. Think what you want but inserting the child into the conflict is NOT good for the child. That doesn't mean lying if the kid asks directly when they are older, but it means not pushing the responsibility to act on that information to the kid.

Telling your child that you left your husband because he was regularly cheating on you and you felt used, betrayed, and unsafe with people you didn't know in the house is not putting your child in the middle. Nor is it explicit. Saying to your child he was having sex with her in our bedroom and using my clothes and my sheets and then coming home and lying to me and having sex with me and now I have a disease and found all their gross sex toys is explicit. Saying to your child daddy cheated and is moving in with his affair partner because he was so unhappy having to do all the childcare and housework even though he told me he loved me is putting your child in the middle.

The bolded is ALSO putting your kid in the middle. Whether you want to believe it or not.

It's putting the child appropriately in the middle where they will have to be because of the divorce. It's facing reality. Obviously, the kids will have to go to each other's houses and eventually they will learn what happens. Perhaps at age 5 this isn't necessary and is even confusing, but by teen years kids should know why their parents split.

PERHAPS AT 5 THIS ISN'T NECESSARY? Listen to yourself. This would be ENTIRELY inappropriate to tell a 5 year olds. 5 year olds think they will marry their brothers and have, at best, a very very limited understanding of romantic love and sexual relationships. The very fact that you are citing 5 as on the questionable line shows how incredibly bad judgement you have on this.

Teens only 'need to know' under two circumstances. If they will find out in some way other than from the parents, or if they have pieced it together and ask the parents directly. Anything else is just one parent having an agenda for having the kids be in the middle of that.

You know what, a cheating spouse that breaks up the family creates a stab wound. Stab wounds can be severe, but frequently they can also be fixed.

A bitter parent that holds onto resentment and hate for years and years and ensures the child is wallowing in there with them is a cancer. It eats at everyone for so long that all involve become unrecognizable. Cheaters can be really horrible and reprehensible people but do not fool yourself, if you're holding onto hate for years and letting that bleed into your kid's childhood and ruin it you're no better than the cheater from a parenting perspective.

Telling a teenager we are divorcing because your dad wants to be with some other woman is not holding onto bitterness. It's just being honest and then everyone can move on with their new lives. You are the one that wants people to carry secrets forever. We've moved onto summer camp and high school.

No, it is worse. It is putting your emotional burdens between you and our spouse onto your child. This is far worse than actual cheating. You are wrong to do that. What happened is none of a child's business. This is why they say kids of divorce are messed up...because the parents are immature and don't put their kids first in the divorce. Your marital relationship is ruined. Keep kids and their parent's relationship intact. You don't have to be friends with your ex but you don't have to get into sordid details that can hurt your kids. Getting revenge on your ex and shaming them is a sign of you being emotionally immature. Take one for your kids and protect them from burdens they don't need to have. It literally will make a divorce worse and there is no point. Get a divorce and move on with your life.