When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never was my choice. Son is now 34 and might have figured it out on his own, but we have never discussed the reason for the divorce.

It's not healthy. People come to the wrong conclusions and then it affects their life later on. Just be real and don't go on about it like you can't recover or something.

Try telling that to the posters claiming they have PTSD from their spouse’s affairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are two questions here. The first one, do you proactively tell your children that a parent cheated? The answer to that, to me, is no.

Your kids should not be in the middle of their parents fights. And they shouldn't feel responsible for picking a side. And the moment one parent decides to put the burden of that knowledge on them, they will feel that. Just like your kids might know you're not wealthy but shouldn't know how much is in your bank account and when the electricity bill is due, they can know that the marriage is struggling but don't need to know the details if both parents expect to play active present roles in their kids lives.

When a marriage ends because...the two people just fell out of love or something more ambiguous and harder to grasp you don't give your kids your marriage counseling notes. They just don't need to know that.

That said, the second question, 'should I tell my kid's that I/their parent had and affair when they ask me directly?' I think the answer to that is to be honest in a way that doesn't make the child feel like they should cut off the other partner. If they have figured it out, then lying to them is in fact gaslighting. But again, the primary goal should be avoiding inserting the child into the fight as a player vs spectator.

And perhaps a third question is, 'if my spouse had an affair and just bounced out of our lives, should I be honest with my kid?' And in that case, where one parent either abandoned the kid or truly put them on the 'first family' back burner, you should be honest with them about what happened and validate their feelings and not push them to try have a relationship with an absent crappy parent where they end up continually crushed with disappointment.

You aren’t god. Stop acting like there is one way. I happen to disagree and think the truth is best always but without the vindictiveness. Every time in my life when someone has withheld information that would have been helpful has just made me more confused. And if it’s cheating than quite easily the kid feels odd the hook. People think differently about these things.

I'm not a god, certainly. But one thing that is shown time and time again when evaluating outcomes with children of divorce and whether they maintain positive relationships with their parents is whether the parents put the kid in the middle of the conflict. Think what you want but inserting the child into the conflict is NOT good for the child. That doesn't mean lying if the kid asks directly when they are older, but it means not pushing the responsibility to act on that information to the kid.

Telling your child that you left your husband because he was regularly cheating on you and you felt used, betrayed, and unsafe with people you didn't know in the house is not putting your child in the middle. Nor is it explicit. Saying to your child he was having sex with her in our bedroom and using my clothes and my sheets and then coming home and lying to me and having sex with me and now I have a disease and found all their gross sex toys is explicit. Saying to your child daddy cheated and is moving in with his affair partner because he was so unhappy having to do all the childcare and housework even though he told me he loved me is putting your child in the middle.

The bolded is ALSO putting your kid in the middle. Whether you want to believe it or not.

It's putting the child appropriately in the middle where they will have to be because of the divorce. It's facing reality. Obviously, the kids will have to go to each other's houses and eventually they will learn what happens. Perhaps at age 5 this isn't necessary and is even confusing, but by teen years kids should know why their parents split.

PERHAPS AT 5 THIS ISN'T NECESSARY? Listen to yourself. This would be ENTIRELY inappropriate to tell a 5 year olds. 5 year olds think they will marry their brothers and have, at best, a very very limited understanding of romantic love and sexual relationships. The very fact that you are citing 5 as on the questionable line shows how incredibly bad judgement you have on this.

Teens only 'need to know' under two circumstances. If they will find out in some way other than from the parents, or if they have pieced it together and ask the parents directly. Anything else is just one parent having an agenda for having the kids be in the middle of that.

You know what, a cheating spouse that breaks up the family creates a stab wound. Stab wounds can be severe, but frequently they can also be fixed.

A bitter parent that holds onto resentment and hate for years and years and ensures the child is wallowing in there with them is a cancer. It eats at everyone for so long that all involve become unrecognizable. Cheaters can be really horrible and reprehensible people but do not fool yourself, if you're holding onto hate for years and letting that bleed into your kid's childhood and ruin it you're no better than the cheater from a parenting perspective.

Telling a teenager we are divorcing because your dad wants to be with some other woman is not holding onto bitterness. It's just being honest and then everyone can move on with their new lives. You are the one that wants people to carry secrets forever. We've moved onto summer camp and high school.

This is a one-off case most men and women who cheat - even if they think they’re in love - don’t end up with the AP. If the ex has married the AP then it’s obvious. It’s a different situation. But even then what’s the point of going into details. Everyone knows it.

First off if everyone knows it, then it's not something that the mother or father need to hide from at all. Secondly. Telling a teenager your father and I divorced because your father had multiple affairs and didn't want a monogamous relationship is not going into detail. It's just saying there was a problem with monogamy in the relationship. Same for an alcoholic. Your father had issues with alcohol I didn't feel comfortable being around. It's not going into detail. Nor is it harboring resentment. It's just putting the facts out there so there is no confusion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never was my choice. Son is now 34 and might have figured it out on his own, but we have never discussed the reason for the divorce.

Kudos to you for handling it properly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Telling your kids dad or mom had an affair and doesn't love me the same way they used to is healthy and true and much better than harboring resentment for years

It’s about the kids. Not your resentment as the priority.

I don't hide from my kids bad things that happen in life. I don't pretend anything for them. Idon't want them to think we split up for any old reason. That's not fair to the marriage or to their feeling of security. I don't make a big deal of it, but I also don't hide it. How surprising that cheaters think hiding cheating is a solution. Stop hiding things and being sneaky and maybe people will have more respect for you.

The divorce is bad enough. You don't burden kids with details they do not need to know. They gain nothing from that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never was my choice. Son is now 34 and might have figured it out on his own, but we have never discussed the reason for the divorce.

It's not healthy. People come to the wrong conclusions and then it affects their life later on. Just be real and don't go on about it like you can't recover or something.

Try telling that to the posters claiming they have PTSD from their spouse’s affairs.

And hiding the facts somehow makes them healthier? It doesn't. Stop the lying. Stop the cheating. Stop the physical abuse. Tell the facts and let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are two questions here. The first one, do you proactively tell your children that a parent cheated? The answer to that, to me, is no.

Your kids should not be in the middle of their parents fights. And they shouldn't feel responsible for picking a side. And the moment one parent decides to put the burden of that knowledge on them, they will feel that. Just like your kids might know you're not wealthy but shouldn't know how much is in your bank account and when the electricity bill is due, they can know that the marriage is struggling but don't need to know the details if both parents expect to play active present roles in their kids lives.

When a marriage ends because...the two people just fell out of love or something more ambiguous and harder to grasp you don't give your kids your marriage counseling notes. They just don't need to know that.

That said, the second question, 'should I tell my kid's that I/their parent had and affair when they ask me directly?' I think the answer to that is to be honest in a way that doesn't make the child feel like they should cut off the other partner. If they have figured it out, then lying to them is in fact gaslighting. But again, the primary goal should be avoiding inserting the child into the fight as a player vs spectator.

And perhaps a third question is, 'if my spouse had an affair and just bounced out of our lives, should I be honest with my kid?' And in that case, where one parent either abandoned the kid or truly put them on the 'first family' back burner, you should be honest with them about what happened and validate their feelings and not push them to try have a relationship with an absent crappy parent where they end up continually crushed with disappointment.

You aren’t god. Stop acting like there is one way. I happen to disagree and think the truth is best always but without the vindictiveness. Every time in my life when someone has withheld information that would have been helpful has just made me more confused. And if it’s cheating than quite easily the kid feels odd the hook. People think differently about these things.

I'm not a god, certainly. But one thing that is shown time and time again when evaluating outcomes with children of divorce and whether they maintain positive relationships with their parents is whether the parents put the kid in the middle of the conflict. Think what you want but inserting the child into the conflict is NOT good for the child. That doesn't mean lying if the kid asks directly when they are older, but it means not pushing the responsibility to act on that information to the kid.

Telling your child that you left your husband because he was regularly cheating on you and you felt used, betrayed, and unsafe with people you didn't know in the house is not putting your child in the middle. Nor is it explicit. Saying to your child he was having sex with her in our bedroom and using my clothes and my sheets and then coming home and lying to me and having sex with me and now I have a disease and found all their gross sex toys is explicit. Saying to your child daddy cheated and is moving in with his affair partner because he was so unhappy having to do all the childcare and housework even though he told me he loved me is putting your child in the middle.

Yes, it is putting your child in the middle. That is 100% wrong. And worse than cheating. I don't know what planet you live on that you think kids should have these details. They should not. You're crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never was my choice. Son is now 34 and might have figured it out on his own, but we have never discussed the reason for the divorce.

Kudos to you for handling it properly.

That's stupid. Sounds like the guy still isn't married and goes to mom's house for laundry. A 34 year old guy can know why their parents divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are two questions here. The first one, do you proactively tell your children that a parent cheated? The answer to that, to me, is no.

Your kids should not be in the middle of their parents fights. And they shouldn't feel responsible for picking a side. And the moment one parent decides to put the burden of that knowledge on them, they will feel that. Just like your kids might know you're not wealthy but shouldn't know how much is in your bank account and when the electricity bill is due, they can know that the marriage is struggling but don't need to know the details if both parents expect to play active present roles in their kids lives.

When a marriage ends because...the two people just fell out of love or something more ambiguous and harder to grasp you don't give your kids your marriage counseling notes. They just don't need to know that.

That said, the second question, 'should I tell my kid's that I/their parent had and affair when they ask me directly?' I think the answer to that is to be honest in a way that doesn't make the child feel like they should cut off the other partner. If they have figured it out, then lying to them is in fact gaslighting. But again, the primary goal should be avoiding inserting the child into the fight as a player vs spectator.

And perhaps a third question is, 'if my spouse had an affair and just bounced out of our lives, should I be honest with my kid?' And in that case, where one parent either abandoned the kid or truly put them on the 'first family' back burner, you should be honest with them about what happened and validate their feelings and not push them to try have a relationship with an absent crappy parent where they end up continually crushed with disappointment.

You aren’t god. Stop acting like there is one way. I happen to disagree and think the truth is best always but without the vindictiveness. Every time in my life when someone has withheld information that would have been helpful has just made me more confused. And if it’s cheating than quite easily the kid feels odd the hook. People think differently about these things.

I'm not a god, certainly. But one thing that is shown time and time again when evaluating outcomes with children of divorce and whether they maintain positive relationships with their parents is whether the parents put the kid in the middle of the conflict. Think what you want but inserting the child into the conflict is NOT good for the child. That doesn't mean lying if the kid asks directly when they are older, but it means not pushing the responsibility to act on that information to the kid.

Telling your child that you left your husband because he was regularly cheating on you and you felt used, betrayed, and unsafe with people you didn't know in the house is not putting your child in the middle. Nor is it explicit. Saying to your child he was having sex with her in our bedroom and using my clothes and my sheets and then coming home and lying to me and having sex with me and now I have a disease and found all their gross sex toys is explicit. Saying to your child daddy cheated and is moving in with his affair partner because he was so unhappy having to do all the childcare and housework even though he told me he loved me is putting your child in the middle.

Yes, it is putting your child in the middle. That is 100% wrong. And worse than cheating. I don't know what planet you live on that you think kids should have these details. They should not. You're crazy.

No you are. You are the cheater. Stop cheating. I live on planet earth. Stop hurting people on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are two questions here. The first one, do you proactively tell your children that a parent cheated? The answer to that, to me, is no.

Your kids should not be in the middle of their parents fights. And they shouldn't feel responsible for picking a side. And the moment one parent decides to put the burden of that knowledge on them, they will feel that. Just like your kids might know you're not wealthy but shouldn't know how much is in your bank account and when the electricity bill is due, they can know that the marriage is struggling but don't need to know the details if both parents expect to play active present roles in their kids lives.

When a marriage ends because...the two people just fell out of love or something more ambiguous and harder to grasp you don't give your kids your marriage counseling notes. They just don't need to know that.

That said, the second question, 'should I tell my kid's that I/their parent had and affair when they ask me directly?' I think the answer to that is to be honest in a way that doesn't make the child feel like they should cut off the other partner. If they have figured it out, then lying to them is in fact gaslighting. But again, the primary goal should be avoiding inserting the child into the fight as a player vs spectator.

And perhaps a third question is, 'if my spouse had an affair and just bounced out of our lives, should I be honest with my kid?' And in that case, where one parent either abandoned the kid or truly put them on the 'first family' back burner, you should be honest with them about what happened and validate their feelings and not push them to try have a relationship with an absent crappy parent where they end up continually crushed with disappointment.

You aren’t god. Stop acting like there is one way. I happen to disagree and think the truth is best always but without the vindictiveness. Every time in my life when someone has withheld information that would have been helpful has just made me more confused. And if it’s cheating than quite easily the kid feels odd the hook. People think differently about these things.

I'm not a god, certainly. But one thing that is shown time and time again when evaluating outcomes with children of divorce and whether they maintain positive relationships with their parents is whether the parents put the kid in the middle of the conflict. Think what you want but inserting the child into the conflict is NOT good for the child. That doesn't mean lying if the kid asks directly when they are older, but it means not pushing the responsibility to act on that information to the kid.

Telling your child that you left your husband because he was regularly cheating on you and you felt used, betrayed, and unsafe with people you didn't know in the house is not putting your child in the middle. Nor is it explicit. Saying to your child he was having sex with her in our bedroom and using my clothes and my sheets and then coming home and lying to me and having sex with me and now I have a disease and found all their gross sex toys is explicit. Saying to your child daddy cheated and is moving in with his affair partner because he was so unhappy having to do all the childcare and housework even though he told me he loved me is putting your child in the middle.

Yes, it is putting your child in the middle. That is 100% wrong. And worse than cheating. I don't know what planet you live on that you think kids should have these details. They should not. You're crazy.

No you are. You are the cheater. Stop cheating. I live on planet earth. Stop hurting people on it.

I've never cheated. Not even in 10-year marriage without sex for 7 years. You are crazy to hurt kids like this. Get a divorce and be an adult. Children should not know anything about their parents sex lives. You can't spend the rest of your life together is an adequate reason.

[Anonymous]

And btw how does a child not know that their dad doesn't have other lovers as a teenager after he leaves the house? How in the world do you think this can be kept a secret and why would you want to do so? To speak of worlds, what world do you live in where somehow all this just goes by and kids don't know? And then what do they know instead? That dad and mom didn't get along and so decided to halve their money and now you can't go to a nice college paid for by your parents or live in your old house because of a disagreement? How does this help them? Look I'm sorry you cheated or were the child of a cheater and don't want to face up to these things. Feel shame for their behavior. If you are the kid just know it's their behavior and you have your own life. Cheating like any other "other worldly experience" is a temptation and makes people uncomfortable being married to you if you go through with it and so think about this before doing this yourself or be prepared if your spouse does this to work through it or leave. It's the same with any other problematic behavior. Do you also tell women and men to not report physical abuse? Mom and dad just had a disagreement when you have a black eye? Are you from a country where this stuff is hush hush? Incest etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are two questions here. The first one, do you proactively tell your children that a parent cheated? The answer to that, to me, is no.

Your kids should not be in the middle of their parents fights. And they shouldn't feel responsible for picking a side. And the moment one parent decides to put the burden of that knowledge on them, they will feel that. Just like your kids might know you're not wealthy but shouldn't know how much is in your bank account and when the electricity bill is due, they can know that the marriage is struggling but don't need to know the details if both parents expect to play active present roles in their kids lives.

When a marriage ends because...the two people just fell out of love or something more ambiguous and harder to grasp you don't give your kids your marriage counseling notes. They just don't need to know that.

That said, the second question, 'should I tell my kid's that I/their parent had and affair when they ask me directly?' I think the answer to that is to be honest in a way that doesn't make the child feel like they should cut off the other partner. If they have figured it out, then lying to them is in fact gaslighting. But again, the primary goal should be avoiding inserting the child into the fight as a player vs spectator.

And perhaps a third question is, 'if my spouse had an affair and just bounced out of our lives, should I be honest with my kid?' And in that case, where one parent either abandoned the kid or truly put them on the 'first family' back burner, you should be honest with them about what happened and validate their feelings and not push them to try have a relationship with an absent crappy parent where they end up continually crushed with disappointment.

You aren’t god. Stop acting like there is one way. I happen to disagree and think the truth is best always but without the vindictiveness. Every time in my life when someone has withheld information that would have been helpful has just made me more confused. And if it’s cheating than quite easily the kid feels odd the hook. People think differently about these things.

I'm not a god, certainly. But one thing that is shown time and time again when evaluating outcomes with children of divorce and whether they maintain positive relationships with their parents is whether the parents put the kid in the middle of the conflict. Think what you want but inserting the child into the conflict is NOT good for the child. That doesn't mean lying if the kid asks directly when they are older, but it means not pushing the responsibility to act on that information to the kid.

Telling your child that you left your husband because he was regularly cheating on you and you felt used, betrayed, and unsafe with people you didn't know in the house is not putting your child in the middle. Nor is it explicit. Saying to your child he was having sex with her in our bedroom and using my clothes and my sheets and then coming home and lying to me and having sex with me and now I have a disease and found all their gross sex toys is explicit. Saying to your child daddy cheated and is moving in with his affair partner because he was so unhappy having to do all the childcare and housework even though he told me he loved me is putting your child in the middle.

Yes, it is putting your child in the middle. That is 100% wrong. And worse than cheating. I don't know what planet you live on that you think kids should have these details. They should not. You're crazy.

No you are. You are the cheater. Stop cheating. I live on planet earth. Stop hurting people on it.

I've never cheated. Not even in 10-year marriage without sex for 7 years. You are crazy to hurt kids like this. Get a divorce and be an adult. Children should not know anything about their parents sex lives. You can't spend the rest of your life together is an adequate reason.

Maybe your problem is that you should get a divorce. Your marriage sounds unhappy. Why are you giving advice? I am divorced. My kids know why. They get along with both parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are two questions here. The first one, do you proactively tell your children that a parent cheated? The answer to that, to me, is no.

Your kids should not be in the middle of their parents fights. And they shouldn't feel responsible for picking a side. And the moment one parent decides to put the burden of that knowledge on them, they will feel that. Just like your kids might know you're not wealthy but shouldn't know how much is in your bank account and when the electricity bill is due, they can know that the marriage is struggling but don't need to know the details if both parents expect to play active present roles in their kids lives.

When a marriage ends because...the two people just fell out of love or something more ambiguous and harder to grasp you don't give your kids your marriage counseling notes. They just don't need to know that.

That said, the second question, 'should I tell my kid's that I/their parent had and affair when they ask me directly?' I think the answer to that is to be honest in a way that doesn't make the child feel like they should cut off the other partner. If they have figured it out, then lying to them is in fact gaslighting. But again, the primary goal should be avoiding inserting the child into the fight as a player vs spectator.

And perhaps a third question is, 'if my spouse had an affair and just bounced out of our lives, should I be honest with my kid?' And in that case, where one parent either abandoned the kid or truly put them on the 'first family' back burner, you should be honest with them about what happened and validate their feelings and not push them to try have a relationship with an absent crappy parent where they end up continually crushed with disappointment.

You aren’t god. Stop acting like there is one way. I happen to disagree and think the truth is best always but without the vindictiveness. Every time in my life when someone has withheld information that would have been helpful has just made me more confused. And if it’s cheating than quite easily the kid feels odd the hook. People think differently about these things.

I'm not a god, certainly. But one thing that is shown time and time again when evaluating outcomes with children of divorce and whether they maintain positive relationships with their parents is whether the parents put the kid in the middle of the conflict. Think what you want but inserting the child into the conflict is NOT good for the child. That doesn't mean lying if the kid asks directly when they are older, but it means not pushing the responsibility to act on that information to the kid.

Telling your child that you left your husband because he was regularly cheating on you and you felt used, betrayed, and unsafe with people you didn't know in the house is not putting your child in the middle. Nor is it explicit. Saying to your child he was having sex with her in our bedroom and using my clothes and my sheets and then coming home and lying to me and having sex with me and now I have a disease and found all their gross sex toys is explicit. Saying to your child daddy cheated and is moving in with his affair partner because he was so unhappy having to do all the childcare and housework even though he told me he loved me is putting your child in the middle.

Yes, it is putting your child in the middle. That is 100% wrong. And worse than cheating. I don't know what planet you live on that you think kids should have these details. They should not. You're crazy.

No you are. You are the cheater. Stop cheating. I live on planet earth. Stop hurting people on it.

Should a parent also tell their child all the all person details of marital problems? Mom stopped having sex with me after she had you. Details about parents’ sex lives should be off limits for kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are two questions here. The first one, do you proactively tell your children that a parent cheated? The answer to that, to me, is no.

Your kids should not be in the middle of their parents fights. And they shouldn't feel responsible for picking a side. And the moment one parent decides to put the burden of that knowledge on them, they will feel that. Just like your kids might know you're not wealthy but shouldn't know how much is in your bank account and when the electricity bill is due, they can know that the marriage is struggling but don't need to know the details if both parents expect to play active present roles in their kids lives.

When a marriage ends because...the two people just fell out of love or something more ambiguous and harder to grasp you don't give your kids your marriage counseling notes. They just don't need to know that.

That said, the second question, 'should I tell my kid's that I/their parent had and affair when they ask me directly?' I think the answer to that is to be honest in a way that doesn't make the child feel like they should cut off the other partner. If they have figured it out, then lying to them is in fact gaslighting. But again, the primary goal should be avoiding inserting the child into the fight as a player vs spectator.

And perhaps a third question is, 'if my spouse had an affair and just bounced out of our lives, should I be honest with my kid?' And in that case, where one parent either abandoned the kid or truly put them on the 'first family' back burner, you should be honest with them about what happened and validate their feelings and not push them to try have a relationship with an absent crappy parent where they end up continually crushed with disappointment.

You aren’t god. Stop acting like there is one way. I happen to disagree and think the truth is best always but without the vindictiveness. Every time in my life when someone has withheld information that would have been helpful has just made me more confused. And if it’s cheating than quite easily the kid feels odd the hook. People think differently about these things.

I'm not a god, certainly. But one thing that is shown time and time again when evaluating outcomes with children of divorce and whether they maintain positive relationships with their parents is whether the parents put the kid in the middle of the conflict. Think what you want but inserting the child into the conflict is NOT good for the child. That doesn't mean lying if the kid asks directly when they are older, but it means not pushing the responsibility to act on that information to the kid.

Telling your child that you left your husband because he was regularly cheating on you and you felt used, betrayed, and unsafe with people you didn't know in the house is not putting your child in the middle. Nor is it explicit. Saying to your child he was having sex with her in our bedroom and using my clothes and my sheets and then coming home and lying to me and having sex with me and now I have a disease and found all their gross sex toys is explicit. Saying to your child daddy cheated and is moving in with his affair partner because he was so unhappy having to do all the childcare and housework even though he told me he loved me is putting your child in the middle.

Yes, it is putting your child in the middle. That is 100% wrong. And worse than cheating. I don't know what planet you live on that you think kids should have these details. They should not. You're crazy.

No you are. You are the cheater. Stop cheating. I live on planet earth. Stop hurting people on it.

I've never cheated. Not even in 10-year marriage without sex for 7 years. You are crazy to hurt kids like this. Get a divorce and be an adult. Children should not know anything about their parents sex lives. You can't spend the rest of your life together is an adequate reason.

Maybe your problem is that you should get a divorce. Your marriage sounds unhappy. Why are you giving advice? I am divorced. My kids know why. They get along with both parents.

I am divorced. Adults don't need to justify decisions to children. Nor should they know what their parents marital problems are or were. We are not compatible and it was the wrong decision to get married is enough of a reason. We grew apart is valid, too, and true in many cases. I am not immature. My dad put is marital problems on me. It is wrong to do that to kids. A child is not your therapist. If you want to tell people, tell your friend or a therapist. Don't be immature. Kids don't need it. It is unnecessary and worse than the original offense. Adult business is adult business. Keep it that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are two questions here. The first one, do you proactively tell your children that a parent cheated? The answer to that, to me, is no.

Your kids should not be in the middle of their parents fights. And they shouldn't feel responsible for picking a side. And the moment one parent decides to put the burden of that knowledge on them, they will feel that. Just like your kids might know you're not wealthy but shouldn't know how much is in your bank account and when the electricity bill is due, they can know that the marriage is struggling but don't need to know the details if both parents expect to play active present roles in their kids lives.

When a marriage ends because...the two people just fell out of love or something more ambiguous and harder to grasp you don't give your kids your marriage counseling notes. They just don't need to know that.

That said, the second question, 'should I tell my kid's that I/their parent had and affair when they ask me directly?' I think the answer to that is to be honest in a way that doesn't make the child feel like they should cut off the other partner. If they have figured it out, then lying to them is in fact gaslighting. But again, the primary goal should be avoiding inserting the child into the fight as a player vs spectator.

And perhaps a third question is, 'if my spouse had an affair and just bounced out of our lives, should I be honest with my kid?' And in that case, where one parent either abandoned the kid or truly put them on the 'first family' back burner, you should be honest with them about what happened and validate their feelings and not push them to try have a relationship with an absent crappy parent where they end up continually crushed with disappointment.

You aren’t god. Stop acting like there is one way. I happen to disagree and think the truth is best always but without the vindictiveness. Every time in my life when someone has withheld information that would have been helpful has just made me more confused. And if it’s cheating than quite easily the kid feels odd the hook. People think differently about these things.

I'm not a god, certainly. But one thing that is shown time and time again when evaluating outcomes with children of divorce and whether they maintain positive relationships with their parents is whether the parents put the kid in the middle of the conflict. Think what you want but inserting the child into the conflict is NOT good for the child. That doesn't mean lying if the kid asks directly when they are older, but it means not pushing the responsibility to act on that information to the kid.

Telling your child that you left your husband because he was regularly cheating on you and you felt used, betrayed, and unsafe with people you didn't know in the house is not putting your child in the middle. Nor is it explicit. Saying to your child he was having sex with her in our bedroom and using my clothes and my sheets and then coming home and lying to me and having sex with me and now I have a disease and found all their gross sex toys is explicit. Saying to your child daddy cheated and is moving in with his affair partner because he was so unhappy having to do all the childcare and housework even though he told me he loved me is putting your child in the middle.

Yes, it is putting your child in the middle. That is 100% wrong. And worse than cheating. I don't know what planet you live on that you think kids should have these details. They should not. You're crazy.

No you are. You are the cheater. Stop cheating. I live on planet earth. Stop hurting people on it.

Should a parent also tell their child all the all person details of marital problems? Mom stopped having sex with me after she had you. Details about parents’ sex lives should be off limits for kids.

100% agree with you! Kids should not know about parents marital issues whether than is cheating, sexlessness anything. Should be off limits. I am a woman but I feel like only women would say to tell your kids...it is an abhorrent thing to do. Men seem to be more logical than most women (even though I am a woman). Kids should not know about their parents sex lives ever...including cheating and sexlessness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are two questions here. The first one, do you proactively tell your children that a parent cheated? The answer to that, to me, is no.

Your kids should not be in the middle of their parents fights. And they shouldn't feel responsible for picking a side. And the moment one parent decides to put the burden of that knowledge on them, they will feel that. Just like your kids might know you're not wealthy but shouldn't know how much is in your bank account and when the electricity bill is due, they can know that the marriage is struggling but don't need to know the details if both parents expect to play active present roles in their kids lives.

When a marriage ends because...the two people just fell out of love or something more ambiguous and harder to grasp you don't give your kids your marriage counseling notes. They just don't need to know that.

That said, the second question, 'should I tell my kid's that I/their parent had and affair when they ask me directly?' I think the answer to that is to be honest in a way that doesn't make the child feel like they should cut off the other partner. If they have figured it out, then lying to them is in fact gaslighting. But again, the primary goal should be avoiding inserting the child into the fight as a player vs spectator.

And perhaps a third question is, 'if my spouse had an affair and just bounced out of our lives, should I be honest with my kid?' And in that case, where one parent either abandoned the kid or truly put them on the 'first family' back burner, you should be honest with them about what happened and validate their feelings and not push them to try have a relationship with an absent crappy parent where they end up continually crushed with disappointment.

You aren’t god. Stop acting like there is one way. I happen to disagree and think the truth is best always but without the vindictiveness. Every time in my life when someone has withheld information that would have been helpful has just made me more confused. And if it’s cheating than quite easily the kid feels odd the hook. People think differently about these things.

I'm not a god, certainly. But one thing that is shown time and time again when evaluating outcomes with children of divorce and whether they maintain positive relationships with their parents is whether the parents put the kid in the middle of the conflict. Think what you want but inserting the child into the conflict is NOT good for the child. That doesn't mean lying if the kid asks directly when they are older, but it means not pushing the responsibility to act on that information to the kid.

Telling your child that you left your husband because he was regularly cheating on you and you felt used, betrayed, and unsafe with people you didn't know in the house is not putting your child in the middle. Nor is it explicit. Saying to your child he was having sex with her in our bedroom and using my clothes and my sheets and then coming home and lying to me and having sex with me and now I have a disease and found all their gross sex toys is explicit. Saying to your child daddy cheated and is moving in with his affair partner because he was so unhappy having to do all the childcare and housework even though he told me he loved me is putting your child in the middle.

Yes, it is putting your child in the middle. That is 100% wrong. And worse than cheating. I don't know what planet you live on that you think kids should have these details. They should not. You're crazy.

No you are. You are the cheater. Stop cheating. I live on planet earth. Stop hurting people on it.

Should a parent also tell their child all the all person details of marital problems? Mom stopped having sex with me after she had you. Details about parents’ sex lives should be off limits for kids.

You obviously have a problem addressing your sexual issues in your marriage so I'm not surprised you keep your kids in the dark about sex too. Please deal with those and stop giving advice to people who have already gone through infidelity. Saying to a child who has gone through puberty and is actually is ready to date people in high school or leaving for college that your father and I divorced because he had affairs is not talking about sex. It's saying someone was noncommittal about monogamy. Also my kids and I talk about their own sexual lives. Not about sex details but about being respectful in dating, being careful about sex when you are ready, being friends first, don't make promises you can't keep or apologize if you have to break a promise. Other parents are more up front about sex than I am. So yeah, they can hear a sentence about why their dad and mom split up. You are the one making too big a deal about this.