When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So mom tells kids dad cheated which is why we divorced. Dad tells kids he cheated because mom refused to have sex with him. Mom says they stopped having sex because dad wasn't capable with chores so it made her resent him.

Most of DCUM thinks this is acceptable discourse for kids

Lots of men cheat who have active sex lives with their wives.

DP.

It does not take away from pp's point. It takes two to tango, and cheating is not the worst thing a spouse can do to you. (For example, anyone who thinks cheating is worse rhan physical abuse is sick in the head).

The cheater has fingers to point to: Mom chose to marry a broken man, so she still gets that part of the blame; Mom never treated dad with respect; Dad never helped around the house. And so on and so forth. When you start blaming each other, it never ends.

My parents played this blame game as adults( even though they never divorced). They both sounded pathetic.

Cheating is physical abuse. You are having sex with someone who could give you a disease. So it's both emotional, social, and physical abuse.

I'd rather my DH cheat on me 100 times than slap me 1 time.

Either way, I am out. But in the first case, I will queitly and calmly serve him divorce papers. If someone slaps me, even hell would not be big enough to accomodate both of us.

It's not even comparable.

Finding out his nasty D has been in very slutty women and in you without your knowledge is horrifying. Incredibly traumatizing. Do not underestimate.

And, wtf is wrong with you?!!! You seriously want to rank people’s traumas?

It’s the grief trauma Olympics?

If you get hit once, there it is, you know. Cheating can involve YEARS of lying/gaslighting and disease.

Yeah I agree (DP). I don't get this either. My life all but ended when I found out about my spouse's affair (and subsequent desire to divorce for the AP and unilaterally upend not only my life but that of our 3 young children). I am starting therapy for PTSD this week in addition to my regular therapy, and I don't think I will EVER be able to have a normal, trusting relationship again. This person broke me in more ways than I can even begin to describe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So mom tells kids dad cheated which is why we divorced. Dad tells kids he cheated because mom refused to have sex with him. Mom says they stopped having sex because dad wasn't capable with chores so it made her resent him.

Most of DCUM thinks this is acceptable discourse for kids

Lots of men cheat who have active sex lives with their wives.

DP.

It does not take away from pp's point. It takes two to tango, and cheating is not the worst thing a spouse can do to you. (For example, anyone who thinks cheating is worse rhan physical abuse is sick in the head).

The cheater has fingers to point to: Mom chose to marry a broken man, so she still gets that part of the blame; Mom never treated dad with respect; Dad never helped around the house. And so on and so forth. When you start blaming each other, it never ends.

My parents played this blame game as adults( even though they never divorced). They both sounded pathetic.

Cheating is physical abuse. You are having sex with someone who could give you a disease. So it's both emotional, social, and physical abuse.

I'd rather my DH cheat on me 100 times than slap me 1 time.

Either way, I am out. But in the first case, I will queitly and calmly serve him divorce papers. If someone slaps me, even hell would not be big enough to accomodate both of us.

It's not even comparable.

Finding out his nasty D has been in very slutty women and in you without your knowledge is horrifying. Incredibly traumatizing. Do not underestimate.

And, wtf is wrong with you?!!! You seriously want to rank people’s traumas?

It’s the grief trauma Olympics?

If you get hit once, there it is, you know. Cheating can involve YEARS of lying/gaslighting and disease.

Yeah I agree (DP). I don't get this either. My life all but ended when I found out about my spouse's affair (and subsequent desire to divorce for the AP and unilaterally upend not only my life but that of our 3 young children). I am starting therapy for PTSD this week in addition to my regular therapy, and I don't think I will EVER be able to have a normal, trusting relationship again. This person broke me in more ways than I can even begin to describe.

Same poster just apologizing for my poorly written response! It's late!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Anyway, this is a long way of saying that in these situations, if its a personality flaw that caused the cheating, the personality flaw will damage the relationship with the kids, and the pain will be in realizing their parent is a piece of crap. And if one parent is a bitter unhappy horrible person who cannot be happy unless their kid supports them, then that is a personality flaw that will damage their relationship with the kid.

Agree on this point. My ex's cheating was a symptom of bigger problems and he has damaged our kids and his relationship with them due to the underlying problems. Sure, the kids have a healthy adult who does 95% of the parenting, but I have to spend a good amount of my parenting time comforting them and undoing the harm he does. Part of me is beyond grateful he's not my burden anymore, but then I just feel guilty that my kids will forever be burdened by him.

Same here. He parentifies them to no end. Or ignores them while in shutdown mode.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So mom tells kids dad cheated which is why we divorced. Dad tells kids he cheated because mom refused to have sex with him. Mom says they stopped having sex because dad wasn't capable with chores so it made her resent him.

Most of DCUM thinks this is acceptable discourse for kids

Lots of men cheat who have active sex lives with their wives.

DP.

It does not take away from pp's point. It takes two to tango, and cheating is not the worst thing a spouse can do to you. (For example, anyone who thinks cheating is worse rhan physical abuse is sick in the head).

The cheater has fingers to point to: Mom chose to marry a broken man, so she still gets that part of the blame; Mom never treated dad with respect; Dad never helped around the house. And so on and so forth. When you start blaming each other, it never ends.

My parents played this blame game as adults( even though they never divorced). They both sounded pathetic.

Cheating is physical abuse. You are having sex with someone who could give you a disease. So it's both emotional, social, and physical abuse.

No it isn’t. This is so f$cking stupid I want to scream. Just be “happy” with the victimization you’ve earned and deserve. You don’t need to try and gobble up more turf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are two questions here. The first one, do you proactively tell your children that a parent cheated? The answer to that, to me, is no.

Your kids should not be in the middle of their parents fights. And they shouldn't feel responsible for picking a side. And the moment one parent decides to put the burden of that knowledge on them, they will feel that. Just like your kids might know you're not wealthy but shouldn't know how much is in your bank account and when the electricity bill is due, they can know that the marriage is struggling but don't need to know the details if both parents expect to play active present roles in their kids lives.

When a marriage ends because...the two people just fell out of love or something more ambiguous and harder to grasp you don't give your kids your marriage counseling notes. They just don't need to know that.

That said, the second question, 'should I tell my kid's that I/their parent had and affair when they ask me directly?' I think the answer to that is to be honest in a way that doesn't make the child feel like they should cut off the other partner. If they have figured it out, then lying to them is in fact gaslighting. But again, the primary goal should be avoiding inserting the child into the fight as a player vs spectator.

And perhaps a third question is, 'if my spouse had an affair and just bounced out of our lives, should I be honest with my kid?' And in that case, where one parent either abandoned the kid or truly put them on the 'first family' back burner, you should be honest with them about what happened and validate their feelings and not push them to try have a relationship with an absent crappy parent where they end up continually crushed with disappointment.

You aren’t god. Stop acting like there is one way. I happen to disagree and think the truth is best always but without the vindictiveness. Every time in my life when someone has withheld information that would have been helpful has just made me more confused. And if it’s cheating than quite easily the kid feels odd the hook. People think differently about these things.

[Anonymous]

Meant to say off the hook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So mom tells kids dad cheated which is why we divorced. Dad tells kids he cheated because mom refused to have sex with him. Mom says they stopped having sex because dad wasn't capable with chores so it made her resent him.

Most of DCUM thinks this is acceptable discourse for kids

Lots of men cheat who have active sex lives with their wives.

DP.

It does not take away from pp's point. It takes two to tango, and cheating is not the worst thing a spouse can do to you. (For example, anyone who thinks cheating is worse rhan physical abuse is sick in the head).

The cheater has fingers to point to: Mom chose to marry a broken man, so she still gets that part of the blame; Mom never treated dad with respect; Dad never helped around the house. And so on and so forth. When you start blaming each other, it never ends.

My parents played this blame game as adults( even though they never divorced). They both sounded pathetic.

Cheating is physical abuse. You are having sex with someone who could give you a disease. So it's both emotional, social, and physical abuse.

I'd rather my DH cheat on me 100 times than slap me 1 time.

Either way, I am out. But in the first case, I will queitly and calmly serve him divorce papers. If someone slaps me, even hell would not be big enough to accomodate both of us.

It's not even comparable.

Finding out his nasty D has been in very slutty women and in you without your knowledge is horrifying. Incredibly traumatizing. Do not underestimate.

And, wtf is wrong with you?!!! You seriously want to rank people’s traumas?

It’s the grief trauma Olympics?

If you get hit once, there it is, you know. Cheating can involve YEARS of lying/gaslighting and disease.

Yeah I agree (DP). I don't get this either. My life all but ended when I found out about my spouse's affair (and subsequent desire to divorce for the AP and unilaterally upend not only my life but that of our 3 young children). I am starting therapy for PTSD this week in addition to my regular therapy, and I don't think I will EVER be able to have a normal, trusting relationship again. This person broke me in more ways than I can even begin to describe.

Sorry. Same here. I am a shell of the person I used to be. I used to be confident, outgoing, fun and extroverted. Now I can’t stand to socialize and have a hard time finding joy in anything. There are a lot of triggers and a lot of trying to figure out what was real and my mind never stops. I never had mental health issues and I’m now on medication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So mom tells kids dad cheated which is why we divorced. Dad tells kids he cheated because mom refused to have sex with him. Mom says they stopped having sex because dad wasn't capable with chores so it made her resent him.

Most of DCUM thinks this is acceptable discourse for kids

Lots of men cheat who have active sex lives with their wives.

DP.

It does not take away from pp's point. It takes two to tango, and cheating is not the worst thing a spouse can do to you. (For example, anyone who thinks cheating is worse rhan physical abuse is sick in the head).

The cheater has fingers to point to: Mom chose to marry a broken man, so she still gets that part of the blame; Mom never treated dad with respect; Dad never helped around the house. And so on and so forth. When you start blaming each other, it never ends.

My parents played this blame game as adults( even though they never divorced). They both sounded pathetic.

Cheating is physical abuse. You are having sex with someone who could give you a disease. So it's both emotional, social, and physical abuse.

I'd rather my DH cheat on me 100 times than slap me 1 time.

Either way, I am out. But in the first case, I will queitly and calmly serve him divorce papers. If someone slaps me, even hell would not be big enough to accomodate both of us.

It's not even comparable.

Finding out his nasty D has been in very slutty women and in you without your knowledge is horrifying. Incredibly traumatizing. Do not underestimate.

And, wtf is wrong with you?!!! You seriously want to rank people’s traumas?

It’s the grief trauma Olympics?

If you get hit once, there it is, you know. Cheating can involve YEARS of lying/gaslighting and disease.

Yeah. If people are claiming that been hit by your spouse falls under the same category as being cheated on, then Yes, I seriously want to rank people's trauma.

Get out of here with this BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So mom tells kids dad cheated which is why we divorced. Dad tells kids he cheated because mom refused to have sex with him. Mom says they stopped having sex because dad wasn't capable with chores so it made her resent him.

Most of DCUM thinks this is acceptable discourse for kids

Lots of men cheat who have active sex lives with their wives.

DP.

It does not take away from pp's point. It takes two to tango, and cheating is not the worst thing a spouse can do to you. (For example, anyone who thinks cheating is worse rhan physical abuse is sick in the head).

The cheater has fingers to point to: Mom chose to marry a broken man, so she still gets that part of the blame; Mom never treated dad with respect; Dad never helped around the house. And so on and so forth. When you start blaming each other, it never ends.

My parents played this blame game as adults( even though they never divorced). They both sounded pathetic.

Cheating is physical abuse. You are having sex with someone who could give you a disease. So it's both emotional, social, and physical abuse.

I'd rather my DH cheat on me 100 times than slap me 1 time.

Either way, I am out. But in the first case, I will queitly and calmly serve him divorce papers. If someone slaps me, even hell would not be big enough to accomodate both of us.

It's not even comparable.

Finding out his nasty D has been in very slutty women and in you without your knowledge is horrifying. Incredibly traumatizing. Do not underestimate.

And, wtf is wrong with you?!!! You seriously want to rank people’s traumas?

It’s the grief trauma Olympics?

If you get hit once, there it is, you know. Cheating can involve YEARS of lying/gaslighting and disease.

Yeah. If people are claiming that been hit by your spouse falls under the same category as being cheated on, then Yes, I seriously want to rank people's trauma.

Get out of here with this BS.

I was hit by a spouse. Being cheated on was much harder on me mentally

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So mom tells kids dad cheated which is why we divorced. Dad tells kids he cheated because mom refused to have sex with him. Mom says they stopped having sex because dad wasn't capable with chores so it made her resent him.

Most of DCUM thinks this is acceptable discourse for kids

Lots of men cheat who have active sex lives with their wives.

DP.

It does not take away from pp's point. It takes two to tango, and cheating is not the worst thing a spouse can do to you. (For example, anyone who thinks cheating is worse rhan physical abuse is sick in the head).

The cheater has fingers to point to: Mom chose to marry a broken man, so she still gets that part of the blame; Mom never treated dad with respect; Dad never helped around the house. And so on and so forth. When you start blaming each other, it never ends.

My parents played this blame game as adults( even though they never divorced). They both sounded pathetic.

Cheating is physical abuse. You are having sex with someone who could give you a disease. So it's both emotional, social, and physical abuse.

I'd rather my DH cheat on me 100 times than slap me 1 time.

Either way, I am out. But in the first case, I will queitly and calmly serve him divorce papers. If someone slaps me, even hell would not be big enough to accomodate both of us.

It's not even comparable.

Finding out his nasty D has been in very slutty women and in you without your knowledge is horrifying. Incredibly traumatizing. Do not underestimate.

And, wtf is wrong with you?!!! You seriously want to rank people’s traumas?

It’s the grief trauma Olympics?

If you get hit once, there it is, you know. Cheating can involve YEARS of lying/gaslighting and disease.

Yeah. If people are claiming that been hit by your spouse falls under the same category as being cheated on, then Yes, I seriously want to rank people's trauma.

Get out of here with this BS.

Then leave. No one is stopping you. A slap is not pushing someone into a wall or punching them and literally was a form of punishment for children and allowed whereas infidelity has not.

[Anonymous]

And infidelity can be life lasting physically and a felony is giving someone hiv.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are two questions here. The first one, do you proactively tell your children that a parent cheated? The answer to that, to me, is no.

Your kids should not be in the middle of their parents fights. And they shouldn't feel responsible for picking a side. And the moment one parent decides to put the burden of that knowledge on them, they will feel that. Just like your kids might know you're not wealthy but shouldn't know how much is in your bank account and when the electricity bill is due, they can know that the marriage is struggling but don't need to know the details if both parents expect to play active present roles in their kids lives.

When a marriage ends because...the two people just fell out of love or something more ambiguous and harder to grasp you don't give your kids your marriage counseling notes. They just don't need to know that.

That said, the second question, 'should I tell my kid's that I/their parent had and affair when they ask me directly?' I think the answer to that is to be honest in a way that doesn't make the child feel like they should cut off the other partner. If they have figured it out, then lying to them is in fact gaslighting. But again, the primary goal should be avoiding inserting the child into the fight as a player vs spectator.

And perhaps a third question is, 'if my spouse had an affair and just bounced out of our lives, should I be honest with my kid?' And in that case, where one parent either abandoned the kid or truly put them on the 'first family' back burner, you should be honest with them about what happened and validate their feelings and not push them to try have a relationship with an absent crappy parent where they end up continually crushed with disappointment.

You aren’t god. Stop acting like there is one way. I happen to disagree and think the truth is best always but without the vindictiveness. Every time in my life when someone has withheld information that would have been helpful has just made me more confused. And if it’s cheating than quite easily the kid feels odd the hook. People think differently about these things.

I'm not a god, certainly. But one thing that is shown time and time again when evaluating outcomes with children of divorce and whether they maintain positive relationships with their parents is whether the parents put the kid in the middle of the conflict. Think what you want but inserting the child into the conflict is NOT good for the child. That doesn't mean lying if the kid asks directly when they are older, but it means not pushing the responsibility to act on that information to the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are two questions here. The first one, do you proactively tell your children that a parent cheated? The answer to that, to me, is no.

Your kids should not be in the middle of their parents fights. And they shouldn't feel responsible for picking a side. And the moment one parent decides to put the burden of that knowledge on them, they will feel that. Just like your kids might know you're not wealthy but shouldn't know how much is in your bank account and when the electricity bill is due, they can know that the marriage is struggling but don't need to know the details if both parents expect to play active present roles in their kids lives.

When a marriage ends because...the two people just fell out of love or something more ambiguous and harder to grasp you don't give your kids your marriage counseling notes. They just don't need to know that.

That said, the second question, 'should I tell my kid's that I/their parent had and affair when they ask me directly?' I think the answer to that is to be honest in a way that doesn't make the child feel like they should cut off the other partner. If they have figured it out, then lying to them is in fact gaslighting. But again, the primary goal should be avoiding inserting the child into the fight as a player vs spectator.

And perhaps a third question is, 'if my spouse had an affair and just bounced out of our lives, should I be honest with my kid?' And in that case, where one parent either abandoned the kid or truly put them on the 'first family' back burner, you should be honest with them about what happened and validate their feelings and not push them to try have a relationship with an absent crappy parent where they end up continually crushed with disappointment.

You aren’t god. Stop acting like there is one way. I happen to disagree and think the truth is best always but without the vindictiveness. Every time in my life when someone has withheld information that would have been helpful has just made me more confused. And if it’s cheating than quite easily the kid feels odd the hook. People think differently about these things.

I'm not a god, certainly. But one thing that is shown time and time again when evaluating outcomes with children of divorce and whether they maintain positive relationships with their parents is whether the parents put the kid in the middle of the conflict. Think what you want but inserting the child into the conflict is NOT good for the child. That doesn't mean lying if the kid asks directly when they are older, but it means not pushing the responsibility to act on that information to the kid.

Telling your child that you left your husband because he was regularly cheating on you and you felt used, betrayed, and unsafe with people you didn't know in the house is not putting your child in the middle. Nor is it explicit. Saying to your child he was having sex with her in our bedroom and using my clothes and my sheets and then coming home and lying to me and having sex with me and now I have a disease and found all their gross sex toys is explicit. Saying to your child daddy cheated and is moving in with his affair partner because he was so unhappy having to do all the childcare and housework even though he told me he loved me is putting your child in the middle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are two questions here. The first one, do you proactively tell your children that a parent cheated? The answer to that, to me, is no.

Your kids should not be in the middle of their parents fights. And they shouldn't feel responsible for picking a side. And the moment one parent decides to put the burden of that knowledge on them, they will feel that. Just like your kids might know you're not wealthy but shouldn't know how much is in your bank account and when the electricity bill is due, they can know that the marriage is struggling but don't need to know the details if both parents expect to play active present roles in their kids lives.

When a marriage ends because...the two people just fell out of love or something more ambiguous and harder to grasp you don't give your kids your marriage counseling notes. They just don't need to know that.

That said, the second question, 'should I tell my kid's that I/their parent had and affair when they ask me directly?' I think the answer to that is to be honest in a way that doesn't make the child feel like they should cut off the other partner. If they have figured it out, then lying to them is in fact gaslighting. But again, the primary goal should be avoiding inserting the child into the fight as a player vs spectator.

And perhaps a third question is, 'if my spouse had an affair and just bounced out of our lives, should I be honest with my kid?' And in that case, where one parent either abandoned the kid or truly put them on the 'first family' back burner, you should be honest with them about what happened and validate their feelings and not push them to try have a relationship with an absent crappy parent where they end up continually crushed with disappointment.

You aren’t god. Stop acting like there is one way. I happen to disagree and think the truth is best always but without the vindictiveness. Every time in my life when someone has withheld information that would have been helpful has just made me more confused. And if it’s cheating than quite easily the kid feels odd the hook. People think differently about these things.

I'm not a god, certainly. But one thing that is shown time and time again when evaluating outcomes with children of divorce and whether they maintain positive relationships with their parents is whether the parents put the kid in the middle of the conflict. Think what you want but inserting the child into the conflict is NOT good for the child. That doesn't mean lying if the kid asks directly when they are older, but it means not pushing the responsibility to act on that information to the kid.

Telling your child that you left your husband because he was regularly cheating on you and you felt used, betrayed, and unsafe with people you didn't know in the house is not putting your child in the middle. Nor is it explicit. Saying to your child he was having sex with her in our bedroom and using my clothes and my sheets and then coming home and lying to me and having sex with me and now I have a disease and found all their gross sex toys is explicit. Saying to your child daddy cheated and is moving in with his affair partner because he was so unhappy having to do all the childcare and housework even though he told me he loved me is putting your child in the middle.

yeah I think I would rather be slapped than have that happen to me...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are two questions here. The first one, do you proactively tell your children that a parent cheated? The answer to that, to me, is no.

Your kids should not be in the middle of their parents fights. And they shouldn't feel responsible for picking a side. And the moment one parent decides to put the burden of that knowledge on them, they will feel that. Just like your kids might know you're not wealthy but shouldn't know how much is in your bank account and when the electricity bill is due, they can know that the marriage is struggling but don't need to know the details if both parents expect to play active present roles in their kids lives.

When a marriage ends because...the two people just fell out of love or something more ambiguous and harder to grasp you don't give your kids your marriage counseling notes. They just don't need to know that.

That said, the second question, 'should I tell my kid's that I/their parent had and affair when they ask me directly?' I think the answer to that is to be honest in a way that doesn't make the child feel like they should cut off the other partner. If they have figured it out, then lying to them is in fact gaslighting. But again, the primary goal should be avoiding inserting the child into the fight as a player vs spectator.

And perhaps a third question is, 'if my spouse had an affair and just bounced out of our lives, should I be honest with my kid?' And in that case, where one parent either abandoned the kid or truly put them on the 'first family' back burner, you should be honest with them about what happened and validate their feelings and not push them to try have a relationship with an absent crappy parent where they end up continually crushed with disappointment.

You aren’t god. Stop acting like there is one way. I happen to disagree and think the truth is best always but without the vindictiveness. Every time in my life when someone has withheld information that would have been helpful has just made me more confused. And if it’s cheating than quite easily the kid feels odd the hook. People think differently about these things.

I'm not a god, certainly. But one thing that is shown time and time again when evaluating outcomes with children of divorce and whether they maintain positive relationships with their parents is whether the parents put the kid in the middle of the conflict. Think what you want but inserting the child into the conflict is NOT good for the child. That doesn't mean lying if the kid asks directly when they are older, but it means not pushing the responsibility to act on that information to the kid.

Telling your child that you left your husband because he was regularly cheating on you and you felt used, betrayed, and unsafe with people you didn't know in the house is not putting your child in the middle. Nor is it explicit. Saying to your child he was having sex with her in our bedroom and using my clothes and my sheets and then coming home and lying to me and having sex with me and now I have a disease and found all their gross sex toys is explicit. Saying to your child daddy cheated and is moving in with his affair partner because he was so unhappy having to do all the childcare and housework even though he told me he loved me is putting your child in the middle.

The bolded is ALSO putting your kid in the middle. Whether you want to believe it or not.