Reply to When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think there are two questions here. The first one, do you proactively tell your children that a parent cheated? The answer to that, to me, is no.

Your kids should not be in the middle of their parents fights. And they shouldn't feel responsible for picking a side. And the moment one parent decides to put the burden of that knowledge on them, they will feel that. Just like your kids might know you're not wealthy but shouldn't know how much is in your bank account and when the electricity bill is due, they can know that the marriage is struggling but don't need to know the details if both parents expect to play active present roles in their kids lives.

When a marriage ends because...the two people just fell out of love or something more ambiguous and harder to grasp you don't give your kids your marriage counseling notes. They just don't need to know that.

That said, the second question, 'should I tell my kid's that I/their parent had and affair when they ask me directly?' I think the answer to that is to be honest in a way that doesn't make the child feel like they should cut off the other partner. If they have figured it out, then lying to them is in fact gaslighting. But again, the primary goal should be avoiding inserting the child into the fight as a player vs spectator.

And perhaps a third question is, 'if my spouse had an affair and just bounced out of our lives, should I be honest with my kid?' And in that case, where one parent either abandoned the kid or truly put them on the 'first family' back burner, you should be honest with them about what happened and validate their feelings and not push them to try have a relationship with an absent crappy parent where they end up continually crushed with disappointment. [/quote]

You aren’t god. Stop acting like there is one way. I happen to disagree and think the truth is best always but without the vindictiveness. Every time in my life when someone has withheld information that would have been helpful has just made me more confused. And if it’s cheating than quite easily the kid feels odd the hook. People think differently about these things. [/quote]

I'm not a god, certainly. But one thing that is shown time and time again when evaluating outcomes with children of divorce and whether they maintain positive relationships with their parents is whether the parents put the kid in the middle of the conflict. Think what you want but inserting the child into the conflict is NOT good for the child. That doesn't mean lying if the kid asks directly when they are older, but it means not pushing the responsibility to act on that information to the kid. 
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Telling your child that you left your husband because he was regularly cheating on you and you felt used, betrayed, and unsafe with people you didn't know in the house is not putting your child in the middle. Nor is it explicit. [/b]Saying to your child he was having sex with her in our bedroom and using my clothes and my sheets and then coming home and lying to me and having sex with me and now I have a disease and found all their gross sex toys is explicit. Saying to your child daddy cheated and is moving in with his affair partner because he was so unhappy having to do all the childcare and housework even though he told me he loved me is putting your child in the middle.[/quote]

The bolded is ALSO putting your kid in the middle. Whether you want to believe it or not. [/quote]

It's putting the child appropriately in the middle where they will have to be because of the divorce. It's facing reality. Obviously, the kids will have to go to each other's houses and eventually they will learn what happens. Perhaps at age 5 this isn't necessary and is even confusing, but by teen years kids should know why their parents split.[/quote]

PERHAPS AT 5 THIS ISN'T NECESSARY? Listen to yourself. This would be ENTIRELY inappropriate to tell a 5 year olds. 5 year olds think they will marry their brothers and have, at best, a very very limited understanding of romantic love and sexual relationships. The very fact that you are citing 5 as on the questionable line shows how incredibly bad judgement you have on this.

Teens only 'need to know' under two circumstances. If they will find out in some way other than from the parents, or if they have pieced it together and ask the parents directly. Anything else is just one parent having an agenda for having the kids be in the middle of that.

You know what, a cheating spouse that breaks up the family creates a stab wound. Stab wounds can be severe, but frequently they can also be fixed.

A bitter parent that holds onto resentment and hate for years and years and ensures the child is wallowing in there with them is a cancer. It eats at everyone for so long that all involve become unrecognizable. Cheaters can be really horrible and reprehensible people but do not fool yourself, if you're holding onto hate for years and letting that bleed into your kid's childhood and ruin it you're no better than the cheater from a parenting perspective.  [/quote]

Telling a teenager we are divorcing because your dad wants to be with some other woman is not holding onto bitterness. It's just being honest and then everyone can move on with their new lives. You are the one that wants people to carry secrets forever. We've moved onto summer camp and high school.[/quote]

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