What happens to the "dud" husbands after divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. They wake up and learn how to be an adult because they have to
2. They have a mom who swoops in and “helps” them with their 50% custody obligations
3. They muddle through and do an ok job with their 50%, but the ex-wife still buys clothes and school supplies, schedules camp and dentist appointments, sets up activities and coordinates car pool because she doesn’t want the kids to suffer because of his poor planning.
4. They marry someone younger who doesn’t know any better and she takes on the fun project of being a bonus mom, at least until she has her own baby.
5. They marry someone their own age whose ex was even more of a bum and thinks they hit the jackpot. Bonus if she has her own kids and just takes on the mental load of managing a blended family.

What is in bold is 100% correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Sorry, ladies but men have a lot easier of a time rebounding after divorce than you do.

This is just not true. It is not 1965. It is far easier for women

As a divorced man I have to admit this is true. Dating is mostly online these days. And for every 10 likes I get, women will get like 200. And there are a lot of good single men out there for decent divorced women. But once a guy is 50 or so, it’s really tough to find women, exception is only with very rare rich and fit guys. It’s so much easier for women.

As a 39 year old divorced woman, I disagree that there are a lot of good single men out there. Maybe single men in their 30s who haven't been married. But divorced men in their 40s? Not a lot AT ALL.

Are not a lot of divorced men in their 40s but there are a lot of never married men in their 40s and never married men in their 30s. I haven’t looked at 50s. 44. I date men in their 30s. There are plenty. There are almost no men who are divorced in their 40s but that’s not my target audience even though that is who I am. If you are looking for the exact same demographic as you then yeah you’re not gonna find a lot of men but if you’re willing to date men who’s never been married and who are younger, you’re fine.

But what would they give me? I already thought my husband was a dud. Why would I want a 30 year old who never had kids other than sex? I just see immaturity when I look at these types of people. And single men as well. They are either too egotistical or too incompetent if they are single into their 40's. At least a divorced man put in some effort into a relationship during the main growth years of his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. They wake up and learn how to be an adult because they have to[b]
2. They have a mom who swoops in and “helps” them with their 50% custody obligations
3. They muddle through and do an ok job with their 50%, but the ex-wife still buys clothes and school supplies, schedules camp and dentist appointments, sets up activities and coordinates car pool because she doesn’t want the kids to suffer because of his poor planning.
4. They marry someone younger who doesn’t know any better and she takes on the fun project of being a bonus mom, at least until she has her own baby.
5. They marry someone their own age whose ex was even more of a bum and thinks they hit the jackpot. Bonus if she has her own kids and just takes on the mental load of managing a blended family.

What is in bold is 100% correct.

[Anonymous]

And I meant to say, he has told me that he has regrets and wish he had done more to take his ex wife's emotional needs into account and preserved the relationship. He blew anything she wanted to do off and acted like a 1950s dh for most the marriage. Fortunately, he has had some counseling since then and dated some horrible women, so now has a different perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. They wake up and learn how to be an adult because they have to[b]
2. They have a mom who swoops in and “helps” them with their 50% custody obligations
3. They muddle through and do an ok job with their 50%, but the ex-wife still buys clothes and school supplies, schedules camp and dentist appointments, sets up activities and coordinates car pool because she doesn’t want the kids to suffer because of his poor planning.
4. They marry someone younger who doesn’t know any better and she takes on the fun project of being a bonus mom, at least until she has her own baby.
5. They marry someone their own age whose ex was even more of a bum and thinks they hit the jackpot. Bonus if she has her own kids and just takes on the mental load of managing a blended family.

What is in bold is 100% correct.

[Anonymous]

Two options:

1. Thrive
2. Unalive

Which will it be

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’ve known a couple of these guys through work. In my experience, they try to look for much younger women to hook up with. A surprising number fall for catfishing scams, two were fired for sexual harassment in the workplace, and a couple remarried a much younger woman and started a second, younger family.

Uhhhh... any guy who can hook up with or marry a much younger woman is NOT a dud.

Oh yeah? So, by your definition, any guy in his forties that your college age daughter decides to date is, by definition, a great guy? She’s got your approval?

Whatever you may think about it morally, the fact is that a guy in his forties who can attract a college girl is NOT a dud. In fact he has to be exceptionally attractive in some way in order to get her interest at all.

I think you didn’t have any platonic female friends in your college years. If you did you’d know a lot more about what kind of 30 and 40 somethings who sniffed around girls that age, and what the well-adjusted girls thought of them. The thing that was attractive about them was usually love bombing and manipulation.

Somehow he's attracting them wrong and they're wrong for being attracted. Whatever.

But that doesn't change the fact that he is not a dud.

Serial killers often had many girlfriends out of prison and even more behind bars. You have one bizarre definition of “dud.” By “dud” I mean “not a good guy,” not “manifestly repelling to all women no matter how disturbed the women are.” Maybe we can call them “losers” instead? Will that work for you?

What's bizarre about the definition of a dud as "not attractive"? That was the basic definition of dud offered by the OP. That is the basic reason the dud husbands are divorced - their wives were no longer attracted to them. If a guy is attractive to other women after he gets divorced, it is perfectly reasonable to ask how much of a dud was he, really.

What is truly bizarre is you equating divorced older men who date younger women to serial killers, and the younger women to the disturbed women who chase prison inmates. You're pretty twisted if you think there is absolutely no possibility that a "good guy" could date a nice, normal younger woman.

The term "loser" doesn't really work. I know high-achieving men who are definitely not "good guys" - not least because they have cheated on more than one wife - but I would not call them losers or duds. Bad boys at both ends of the economic and intelligence spectrum are many things, but they are not duds. They are exciting, that's why women are attracted to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, ladies but men have a lot easier of a time rebounding after divorce than you do.

This is just not true. It is not 1965. It is far easier for women

As a divorced man I have to admit this is true. Dating is mostly online these days. And for every 10 likes I get, women will get like 200. And there are a lot of good single men out there for decent divorced women. But once a guy is 50 or so, it’s really tough to find women, exception is only with very rare rich and fit guys. It’s so much easier for women.

As a 39 year old divorced woman, I disagree that there are a lot of good single men out there. Maybe single men in their 30s who haven't been married. But divorced men in their 40s? Not a lot AT ALL.

Are not a lot of divorced men in their 40s but there are a lot of never married men in their 40s and never married men in their 30s. I haven’t looked at 50s. 44. I date men in their 30s. There are plenty. There are almost no men who are divorced in their 40s but that’s not my target audience even though that is who I am. If you are looking for the exact same demographic as you then yeah you’re not gonna find a lot of men but if you’re willing to date men who’s never been married and who are younger, you’re fine.

But what would they give me? I already thought my husband was a dud. Why would I want a 30 year old who never had kids other than sex? I just see immaturity when I look at these types of people. And single men as well. They are either too egotistical or too incompetent if they are single into their 40's. At least a divorced man put in some effort into a relationship during the main growth years of his life.

Who said 30? You know there are men 36-39 who have never been married, right? It is not that common. I think you are being way to judgmental. Prepare to be single. Not all men are immature. Your statement that a divorced man put in some effort is completely wrong. I was married. My ex and I had literally no relationship. At all. For a miserable decade. No dates, no gifts, no talking, no dinners, nothing. But we were "married." It was a freaking performance. I have had more maturity from a 35-year-old who has never been married and has no kids. Honestly, I have been on several dates recently with a 31-year-old who says he is looking for a real life partner and does not want kids because he helps his siblings raise theirs. I thought he was too young. Well, I am glad I have been on several dates with him. He is more mature than the last 41-year-old I dated. The few divorced 40s guys I have met are a wreck...they are divorced for a reason. Open your mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She only _thought_ I was a dud. I was a winner all along, and she was and continues to be a loser.

My income is up 40 percent, and I've slept with a couple of dozen women who are 10-30 years younger than me since the divorce.

I've made two major mistakes in life: getting married, and having children.

Ladies: prize right here!

[Anonymous]

They muddle through and do an ok job with their 50%, but the ex-wife still buys clothes and school supplies, schedules camp and dentist appointments, sets up activities and coordinates car pool because she doesn’t want the kids to suffer because of his poor planning.

Because she insists on doing it her way, and that’s the only way it can be done. Schedules camp : listen to yourself. Camp isn’t a requirement; if it doesn’t get scheduled life goes on. The mom may feel she looks bad compared to the other moms maybe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve known a couple of these guys through work. In my experience, they try to look for much younger women to hook up with. A surprising number fall for catfishing scams, two were fired for sexual harassment in the workplace, and a couple remarried a much younger woman and started a second, younger family.

Uhhhh... any guy who can hook up with or marry a much younger woman is NOT a dud.

Oh yeah? So, by your definition, any guy in his forties that your college age daughter decides to date is, by definition, a great guy? She’s got your approval?

Whatever you may think about it morally, the fact is that a guy in his forties who can attract a college girl is NOT a dud. In fact he has to be exceptionally attractive in some way in order to get her interest at all.

You can be conventionally attractive and still be a dud husband and father. I mean, if you are so bad that your co-workers can see it, you are pretty bad.

You can (and many men do) actually go on to be a decent husband and father to your second wife and still have completely failed and continue to fail in your relationship ms with your wife and children from your first marriage.

A guy whose first marriage failed but whose second marriage succeeded is clearly not a dud.

If your marriage failed but your XH goes on to have a successful second marriage, you should seriously consider the possibility that he wasn't a dud, and the problem in the marriage was actually you.

Yawn. In that case the guy is no longer a dud because the first woman trained him. Honestly don’t know why any person especially a man would want to remarry.

I know it's not in the mental universe of DCUM women to believe that a woman could ever be to blame for anything, but it is entirely likely that the guy was not a dud, and the first marriage failed because she was a dud. (This would explain the very large number of obvious female duds one sees on the apps.)

Your idea also raises the obvious question of why she got divorced after she "trained him". Doesn't sound like a very intelligent plan tbh.

Because a lot of times don’t men don’t learn from their mistakes until after it’s over. She’s exhausted. Why would she want that back? Your comment about “intelligent” makes no sense; being in a bad or unsatisfying marriage is not the “intelligent” option. Someone who’s done all the work of training some man who doesn’t realize his mistakes until after the divorce does not want to spend anymore time with him even if he changes in the future he was not the man he was when he was with her and she’s done. Waste smarter for women to let go of these men early rather than wasting more years on them. Divorce is a smarter option for a lot of people and unfortunately it takes them way too long to make that decision. Maybe your goal is to be in a bad marriage but mine certainly isn’t.

It is very definitely unintelligent to put in a lot of "exhausting" time and effort "training" a man and then to cast him aside for some other woman to reap the benefits. If he has been "trained" such that he can succeed in his second marriage, then his first wife was stupid not to hang on to him. She wasted all her efforts. He was totally capable of having a good marriage, because he did with his second wife, so his first wife would not have been "staying in a bad marriage" if she hadn't divorced him.

You're also contradicting the idea (your idea?) that men who have a successful second marriage only do so because the first wife "trained" them. If he "changed in the future" and "didn't realize his mistakes until after the divorce" then the first wife did not "train" him at all. He fixed himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My observation is that some of them take the criticism and lessons learn and become objectively better husbands to second wives, and sometimes better dads. Not all the time but I’ve seen this several times with men who married youngish, really were “duds” (just putting zero effort into life, not just their relationship— treat wives like mothers and expect them to manage house, kids, finances, social life, etc.). The ones I’m thinking of, the divorce came as a shock. They really did not expect their wives to get that fed up, and because they were on autopilot they assumed their partners were too. It wakes them up and makes some realize that a wife is not a baby sitter. I’ve seen some do a lot better the second time around with lessons learned. Saw it with my brother, my DH’s coworker, and a good college friend of mine.

The first wives in these scenarios are understandably conflicted when they watch this happen. In a way it’s one last thing they did for these guys— teach them to grow the eff up.

I know one guy who went through this exact situation. I know others who just got divorced and are still duds.

[Anonymous]

So the women on here are "training" these men!?
Good grief, do you paddle them when they are bad too?
This website is hilarious and clearly the habitat of many neurotic "dud" women 😄😄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

They muddle through and do an ok job with their 50%, but the ex-wife still buys clothes and school supplies, schedules camp and dentist appointments, sets up activities and coordinates car pool because she doesn’t want the kids to suffer because of his poor planning.

Because she insists on doing it her way, and that’s the only way it can be done. Schedules camp : listen to yourself. Camp isn’t a requirement; if it doesn’t get scheduled life goes on. The mom may feel she looks bad compared to the other moms maybe.

Well for working parents of elementary school age children, if they are not signed up for camp and you don’t have a nanny….you don’t have childcare. Is that really news to you? I am far from a tiger mom (my kids do one activity each beyond therapy for the SN one) but yeah some stuff has to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Male here. Been on dates with close to 20 women since my divorce two years ago. My experience is that (a) it is not difficult to date in the DMV using apps, and (b) the majority of the divorced, widowed and single professional women that I have met via the apps - using Match and Bumble, particularly - were looking to marry. Granted, a sample size of 20 women in their 50s is a small sample size, but it was pretty consistent. I am not looking to remarry at this time, but the women around my age that I have met in the DMV certainly are.

If they just wanted to get laid they wouldn’t match with you though.

Are these women stating this on their profiles? If yes, then why are you swiping right if you don't want the same thing? Because if you are matching with them, then you likely state you are looking for something serious too? Or are you socially and/or politically conservative? Suggestion - try Tinder

You certainly are a prize. Virtually no one woman states on a Match or Bumble profile that they are looking to marry. They do want sex, but are less brazen about it than women on Tinder.

On Tinder, I saw many women with large tattoos for my tastes. Where’s your large tattoo? On your back or covering an arm?