I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just awful. I can't imagine causing DH's parent's to drive in the dark. You're sick of hosting and should stop. That's fine. But once you agree then you need to actually be hospitable.

Please get some reading comprehension skills. They are not driving in the dark. OP deserves to have a day to prepare (or, dare I say it, relax) and a late afternoon arrival time is perfectly reasonable.

No, the change occurred only after the MIL pushed. Otherwise OP was perfectly happy to insist that they arrive at the time she demanded. DP.

NP. Wow, typical DCUM extremist. This is how normal conversations go:

Hostess: “I have some prep to do, could you please show up at 5? I’ll have dinner ready at 6.”
Normal MIL: “I understand being busy with last-minute stuff! But can we make it 4 so that we don’t have to drive in the dark?”
Hostess: “Oh, of course; sorry, I didn’t think of that.”

Scene.

See how that is just straightforward communication, with no “demanding” on the part of the hostess, and no wheedling or whining on the part of the Normal MIL? This is how we behave in my family and in my husband’s family. I can’t imagine my mom, MIL or any of our aunts acting like shrews who stamp their feet when they don’t like the invite time. Have a need? State the need. Drama-free.

[Anonymous]

Op if your MIL makes any more snippy comments about your mental health comment a petty comeback could 'Thanks for your concern. I hope you didn't have much anxiety with your drive due to arriving later'. 😉 I mean it amuses me that she is pushing to come earlier due to her anxiety at driving at night and yet you saying you need time to prepare for your mental health is put down by her. However petty comebacks don't achieve much so perhaps think this to yourself rather than saying it.

It's ok you asked them to come later, it's ok you want to prepare in peace and in quiet without feeling like you need to take care of them and their comfort. It would be distracting.

Your comment about being 'made to feel this way', no one can make you feel something, you simple feel it and you can change how you feel. You control your feelings.

There is nothing wrong with you saying you are a little stressed out and need some time. Likewise your MIL is silly because she is admitting to anxiety about driving at night, so she herself has stresses, anxiety, worries however whereas she feels it's ok for her, she is putting you down for it. She has no empathy and is simply being rude because you put a boundary in place. Ignore her.

When she arrives, if she makes any comments just rise above it. I may be tempted to say how you had so much to do and if they were there you would have been distracted with wanting to make sure they felt comfortable and entertained so you appreciate the extra time you had to prepare ie show her niceness after her snippy comment will reflect her nastiness back to her.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the issue is that they also don't want to drive home in the dark after their visit??

If they arrive at 4, that's not a lot of time for visiting and eating dinner before they'd have to get back on the road. My mom also doesn't like to drive in the dark. We have her over at 1, eat our holiday meal at 2 (something in between lunch and dinner), and she's back on the road to go home by 4 (she lives 45-60 minutes away, depending on traffic).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the issue is that they also don't want to drive home in the dark after their visit??

If they arrive at 4, that's not a lot of time for visiting and eating dinner before they'd have to get back on the road. My mom also doesn't like to drive in the dark. We have her over at 1, eat our holiday meal at 2 (something in between lunch and dinner), and she's back on the road to go home by 4 (she lives 45-60 minutes away, depending on traffic).

In the Op she says the in-laws are coming for Christmas « to stay over » so don’t think that’s the case

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you set a boundary be prepared for an angry reaction. Boundaries are frightening and triggering to narcissistic people. You did nothing wrong.

This. They do this so you'll give in. Don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL has a point, though - some people can't drive in the dark, and it gets worse as you get older. If she expresses that, it really means it's stressful for them, and they could get into an accident.

I don't know what the compromise could be, but they can come the morning of the 25th, or perhaps you can take off the 24th to prep so they can earlier, or perhaps your husband can pitch in so everything is ready earlier, or you guys can rearrange your schedule to prep certain things the weekend before, or...

But the driving at night thing isn't trivial, OP. As they age, they will have more limitations.

Nonsense. She is telling them to ARRIVE at their destination at 4:00PM, when it is not dark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a difference between setting boundaries and needing to control a situation. An hour or two early will not break you. Ask your DH for help TODAY.

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the issue is that they also don't want to drive home in the dark after their visit??

If they arrive at 4, that's not a lot of time for visiting and eating dinner before they'd have to get back on the road. My mom also doesn't like to drive in the dark. We have her over at 1, eat our holiday meal at 2 (something in between lunch and dinner), and she's back on the road to go home by 4 (she lives 45-60 minutes away, depending on traffic).

Do you not read? The in-laws are staying overnight and will be there on Christmas Day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be clear I totally get the driving in the dark - why I said come at 4p (then they drive in the light and arrive at 4). She said no we want to come earlier than that.

Right, but maybe they’re stressed that it’s getting dark. My father is like this. He’s super anxious.

OK, then wait and come the next morning bright and early when the sun is blazing in all its glory. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you left it too late to set boundaries - both historically and in terms of this holiday. You had this conversation when? Yesterday?

they will feel unwelcome in your home now. Well done.
You achieved exactly zero.

Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL has a point, though - some people can't drive in the dark, and it gets worse as you get older. If she expresses that, it really means it's stressful for them, and they could get into an accident.

I don't know what the compromise could be, but they can come the morning of the 25th, or perhaps you can take off the 24th to prep so they can earlier, or perhaps your husband can pitch in so everything is ready earlier, or you guys can rearrange your schedule to prep certain things the weekend before, or...

But the driving at night thing isn't trivial, OP. As they age, they will have more limitations.

Nonsense. She is telling them to ARRIVE at their destination at 4:00PM, when it is not dark.

This. So many people are misreading the OP. She told them it’s fine if they arrive at 4, before it gets dark. She is accommodating this request. They are staying overnight so no concerns about driving later. But MIL is still pushing to come earlier and is passive aggressive making comments about OP’s mental health because she’s not getting her way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you left it too late to set boundaries - both historically and in terms of this holiday. You had this conversation when? Yesterday?

they will feel unwelcome in your home now. Well done.
You achieved exactly zero.

Except she made herself the bad guy and looks ungracious and hostile to boot. I'd say this was a slam dunk by the MIL and the funny thing is the OP did it all to herself. Score for MIL!!!!

None of what you said is true and the LOL emoji makes you look like a 12-year-old.

[Anonymous]

I think your MIL was rude. I am a DIL and a MIL. Just something to consider. A lot of older adults just don’t like getting out late. Or even being up late. I always do dinner at 4 or 5 when my parents or in-laws visit. DH and I are still fairly young. We are 55 and thankfully, very active and healthy. On a normal evening, we are in bed by about 8:30. We are up by 5:30 at the latest. And we are both retired. It’s not intentional. It’s just how we are now. When my grandkids are here, we have so much fun! But I am exhausted by the end of the day. Your MIL may just be really tired by 6 or 7. I know I am. And I never thought it would happen to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you left it too late to set boundaries - both historically and in terms of this holiday. You had this conversation when? Yesterday?

they will feel unwelcome in your home now. Well done.
You achieved exactly zero.

Except she made herself the bad guy and looks ungracious and hostile to boot. I'd say this was a slam dunk by the MIL and the funny thing is the OP did it all to herself. Score for MIL!!!!

DP. It’s quite odd that you view family relationships as competitions where one person “scores” on another in their interactions.

+1. Pathetically immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my ILs showed up hours early, or asked/insisted on showing up hours early even after I explained I needed time to prepare, I’d open the door and then leave them and DH to it. Oh, the sheets for your bed? They’re in the dryer—I needed extra time to get ready, but you insisted on coming earlier than we had agreed. So feel free to make up your bed with those sheets. Oh what’s for dinner? I don’t know—ask Kevin what he plans to cook for you.

This is not normal behavior. Let the ILs watch TV with their son while you do whatever you have to do. Most people would be perfectly content to just do that. You are not royalty hosting foreign dignitaries with a strict agenda. Lighten up.

What? Why is the grown man "watching TV" while his wife is getting ready for Christmas with HIS parents? Hard no.