I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would recommend being prepared for your in-laws to show up before 4pm tomorrow and have a plan for how to address it. Answering the door at 2:30 and telling them they will need to wait 90 minutes or refusing to answer the door at all before 4 are options, but may be hard to implement when actually faced with it. If you have errands to run tomorrow, you might consider doing them in the afternoon with a plan of getting home shortly before 4pm.

Good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How far is the drive? Are they trying to avoid traffic? This is such a small potatoes thing you're looking for a reason to be mad and found one. Invite them in then tell them you need to "freshen up" and spend some alone time in your room.

There is no traffic on tbe drive
I don’t want to hide in my room. I want to use my house to get ready for them and for Christmas. I think it is reasonable when you have guests to ask them to arrive at a certain time on Christmas Eve. People have things to prepare

i think the issue is you don't think of your ILs as a a part of your family/or extension of your family. they are your children's grandparents, so they are family. and the driving in the dark part is pretty legit. you just don't like them, that's why you feel intruded.

you will get it when you are the MIL being pushed by your DIL to do something you don't feel safe doing, but not anytime soon, i guess.
and fyi, i am the DIL and totally get the part that you need to unwind after work and need some time to get ready. but safety of older ILs (i think) beats that.

Their "safety" will be just fine, since she told them to arrive at 4:00PM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just awful. I can't imagine causing DH's parent's to drive in the dark. You're sick of hosting and should stop. That's fine. But once you agree then you need to actually be hospitable.

SHE TOLD THEM THEY COULD *ARRIVE* AT 4:00PM. THEY WOULD NOT BE DRIVING IN THE DARK. JFC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just awful. I can't imagine causing DH's parent's to drive in the dark. You're sick of hosting and should stop. That's fine. But once you agree then you need to actually be hospitable.

Um, OP understands the night driving factor and said 4 would be fine. Arriving at 4 = no driving in the dark. Are you slow?

Still awful. She should not host.

Yawn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your MIL was rude. I am a DIL and a MIL. Just something to consider. A lot of older adults just don’t like getting out late. Or even being up late. I always do dinner at 4 or 5 when my parents or in-laws visit. DH and I are still fairly young. We are 55 and thankfully, very active and healthy. On a normal evening, we are in bed by about 8:30. We are up by 5:30 at the latest. And we are both retired. It’s not intentional. It’s just how we are now. When my grandkids are here, we have so much fun! But I am exhausted by the end of the day. Your MIL may just be really tired by 6 or 7. I know I am. And I never thought it would happen to me.

Well then they can say that. Like adults. It’s called communication. OP moved the time to accommodate the no-driving-in-the-dark request. All she can go on. They’re not talking about any other concerns or problems, instead, MIL is taking a cheap shot at stress and mental health. Which is a particularly rude thing for one mom to do to another when it comes to holiday stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would recommend being prepared for your in-laws to show up before 4pm tomorrow and have a plan for how to address it. Answering the door at 2:30 and telling them they will need to wait 90 minutes or refusing to answer the door at all before 4 are options, but may be hard to implement when actually faced with it. If you have errands to run tomorrow, you might consider doing them in the afternoon with a plan of getting home shortly before 4pm.

Good idea.

This is very true. Try to get everything done before 2pm or so. Then go for a walk or go outside somewhere with the kids. If they get there early, don’t hurry home. Make a big show of saying you’re “on your way!” Do not pull into your driveway before 3:45pm

[Anonymous]

OP, you were unkind to your in laws. That’s why they are mad at you.

They’re family. They can come early.

[Anonymous]

You have to set boundaries with your family? Not nice. Your MIL was hurt because you aren’t treating her like family. Who cares if they come early and stay out of your way. Would you treat your parents this way? You sound mean.

[Anonymous]

I think these last comments are so weird.
When did it become a rule that if you are hosting something that you have no say in when people come over to your home? It’s not ‘mean’ to invite someone to stay and then indicate when to arrive. That is literally just how humans make plans. It is much weirder and ruder to disregard when someone has asked you to come in favor of your own convenience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to set boundaries with your family? Not nice. Your MIL was hurt because you aren’t treating her like family. Who cares if they come early and stay out of your way. Would you treat your parents this way? You sound mean.

‘You have to set boundaries with uour family? Not nice’
Literally every single post on this entire board relates to setting boundaries with your family. Is everyone single person not nice? Why are you on this board? All these people are not nice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think these last comments are so weird.
When did it become a rule that if you are hosting something that you have no say in when people come over to your home? It’s not ‘mean’ to invite someone to stay and then indicate when to arrive. That is literally just how humans make plans. It is much weirder and ruder to disregard when someone has asked you to come in favor of your own convenience.

Yep, this attitude is a great way to dissuade people from wanting to host at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my ILs showed up hours early, or asked/insisted on showing up hours early even after I explained I needed time to prepare, I’d open the door and then leave them and DH to it. Oh, the sheets for your bed? They’re in the dryer—I needed extra time to get ready, but you insisted on coming earlier than we had agreed. So feel free to make up your bed with those sheets. Oh what’s for dinner? I don’t know—ask Kevin what he plans to cook for you.

This is not normal behavior. Let the ILs watch TV with their son while you do whatever you have to do. Most people would be perfectly content to just do that. You are not royalty hosting foreign dignitaries with a strict agenda. Lighten up.

What? Why is the grown man "watching TV" while his wife is getting ready for Christmas with HIS parents? Hard no.

Weird op has never mentioned her husband helping. You would have to ask her why that’s not part of the solution in her old fashioned marriage. She needs time, not “we”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you were unkind to your in laws. That’s why they are mad at you.

They’re family. They can come early.

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my ILs showed up hours early, or asked/insisted on showing up hours early even after I explained I needed time to prepare, I’d open the door and then leave them and DH to it. Oh, the sheets for your bed? They’re in the dryer—I needed extra time to get ready, but you insisted on coming earlier than we had agreed. So feel free to make up your bed with those sheets. Oh what’s for dinner? I don’t know—ask Kevin what he plans to cook for you.

This is not normal behavior. Let the ILs watch TV with their son while you do whatever you have to do. Most people would be perfectly content to just do that. You are not royalty hosting foreign dignitaries with a strict agenda. Lighten up.

What? Why is the grown man "watching TV" while his wife is getting ready for Christmas with HIS parents? Hard no.

Weird op has never mentioned her husband helping. You would have to ask her why that’s not part of the solution in her old fashioned marriage. She needs time, not “we”.

And OP also does not mention if there are children in her household, other than the DH - who apparently can't manage his own parents, nor can he assist with any prep details. If there are young kids, can't the presumably loving grandparents play Candyland or do puzzles with them? Go for a walk around the neighborhood to see lights and decorations with the children? If the children are older, why can't they be pressed into service making guest beds and vacuuming needles, making the dinner salad.

Or is this a situation of a Christmas Martyr Mom. With BOUNDARIES.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your MIL says something sarcastic like that just pretend it’s sincere.

“Okay well we wouldn’t want to interfere with your mental health.”

“Thank you, Moopsie! I appreciate you being flexible with arrival time. It will really help me have the house prepared and ready to welcome you. I wish we got the 23rd off of work to prepare but of course we need me to keep my job.”

Just chiming in to say I love the generation-specific names that PPs are always using in these replies. Madge, Barb, Moopsie... Always cracks me up.

And stay strong, OP!