When one sibling lives in parents' house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why is it up to you to find the compromise? I would tell grandparents that you came up with the original plan, like it, and think you should stick to it. If they change up the plans, that is not on you. You can then do what you need to do to (hotel overnight) for your own family.

I didn’t come up with the original plan. It was a plan that everyone contributed to. To be honest I don’t know how solving it became my job.

Because you are viewed as disrupting tradition. Your family is in the way of the way things are done in DH’s family. The grandparents see it that way as well or they wouldn’t be taking the passive aggressive stance of asking you to find the compromise.

Everyone in the family, but you, thinks your husband can suck up the one day of noise.

[Anonymous]

I don’t get it, op, you *moved* a couple of blocks when you all could have stayed in your own home and visited Grandma whenever you wanted? What’s happening with your old house?

I get the kids missing Grandma, I get you wanting to cook and clean (actually I don’t, not if you have your own family) but I *really* don’t get *moving* in with them. I’m not sure why it’s your problem that the in-laws would need to hire someone to do what you do.. certainly fil can cook, learn to cook, and/or hire a cleaning service. Or, he can hire someone that really isn’t your problem.

I’d also be furious that the in-laws don’t have your back, assuming things are as you present them. As another poster said, I also smell a rat here. Too much weirdness veiled in caring for the elderly along with a disabled husband. Newsflash op, stress and fatigue make everything suck.. for everybody. It’s why people fight after a baby is born, why people fight about making dinner v. getting take-out, nobody performs well when they are stressed and/or fatigued.

I’m also wondering if you are angry the cousins moved back, like them, you also had a choice to move though you moved in, and you also have a choice to stay.

Know that the sil probably doesn’t understand the psychology of kicking someone out of a bedroom v. everybody crashing in the living room for a night. I’ve posted about this before how my grandma used to get my room when she’d come to visit. That was fine until I became a tween. I remember my dad wanting to go someplace so I went to my room to get a pair of socks and brush my hair. My dad came back and was like “What are you doing here” and I said “getting some socks and brushing my hair”. I think he was worried I’d go through her old lady stuff.. and I hadn’t, nor did I want to, I simply needed to do the same things most kids do in their bedroom. To my dad’s credit, that was the last time Grandma kicked me out of my room. Your sil’s kids are little so she probably doesn’t understand this at all, she can get them what they need, there’s no reason to be in the bedroom, she’s simply at a different stage of life then you.

If your fil can run a business, he can be the one to say to the other siblings “This is what we’re doing and this is why”. Or, your mil can do it. Some of these physically frail old ladies have lost nothing when it comes to telling the younger generation what’s what. The “we just want everybody to be happy” isn’t doing you any favors. It’s why you don’t take on other people’s problems, and one of many reasons why you don’t move in, the dil becomes the “mean b**ch” no matter what.

Good luck, op. I’d talk with fil and tell him that unless he grows a spine, your cooking and cleaning will end as of Jan 1, and you, your husband and the kids will move back home. Your teen is legal baby-sitting age, and your tween can probably be left home alone so you can take your husband on drives and walks.. in other words, you don’t need the in-laws.

As other people have said, if this disability is going to be long-term, you and your husband and the kids need to learn how to deal with it. You also need to separate out are disability related requirements v. adult requirements. Wanting a bedroom with a door he can close is something all adults want. Look at some of the fights that happen when Uncle Billy gets divorced and is now expected to sleep on the couch because he doesn’t have an adult with him, i.e. nobody to have sex with, so no reason to have a room with a door. Your husband is just being an adult.

As for the drives and walks, can he do those on his own or do you need to take him? Any way he can get a fancy chair so he can be comfortable and still decompress.. and/or a treadmill so he can walk whenever he feels like it? Be very aware that the medical community and society expect the spouse of someone with a disability to do things nobody else would. You’re free to say no and remind people that you are his wife. Part of this though will involve looking at what is being gained by the walks and drives and seeing if things can be done differently. I’m wondering if living with his parents isn’t helping anybody, they see their disabled son and think “I’d (fill in a list) and so you don’t have the opportunity to say no or to sort out a better solution because you’re living with them and again, you’re the “mean b**ch” if you do anything different from what they want.

[Anonymous]

OP moved because her husband can no longer work so they probably could not afford their house anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to move out of your in-law's house. A DIL should not be providing elder care IMO. It will only cause resentment from all sides.

Why?

This makes zero sense if a daughter or son will not step up. I did all the care for my MIL. My husband is very good to me. Why wouldn't I help him care for his mom when I had the time and flexibility and he didn't?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to move out of your in-law's house. A DIL should not be providing elder care IMO. It will only cause resentment from all sides.

Why?

This makes zero sense if a daughter or son will not step up. I did all the care for my MIL. My husband is very good to me. Why wouldn't I help him care for his mom when I had the time and flexibility and he didn't?

My husband did step up, and when he is not able to do what he promised to do, through no fault of his own, I took on those tasks, because we're married. We'r a unit. Plus my in laws have been nothing but wonderful to me since I joined this family. Way better than my own parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP moved because her husband can no longer work so they probably could not afford their house anymore.

No, we moved about a year before DH got sick. Yes, there are financial concerns, but they aren't why we moved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it sounds more complicated. I personally would want to rest in my own room if things got overwhelming. I’m sure she set it up that way because they’ll just leave after 30 minutes. I think that’s fine, but she’s not being honest about it, unless she said it was probably just a drive by.

I understand that might be what you want. I find it hard to imagine what it’s like to find that your brain doesn’t work like it used to. DH doesn’t react to being overwhelmed by getting sleepy and wanting to go off. He gets confused and irritable and agitated. He does best with a walk or a drive or a change of scenery. That will be easier to make happen if I am not also hosting a ton of people.

My hope would be that we’ll come and do presents and then he’ll take some kind of break and be back for the meal. Maybe that will be too long, we’ll play it by ear.

The sibling hosting has a good sense of what to expect. They’ll be fine with whatever happens. There has been no dishonesty. The sibling who is objecting does not have realistic expectations, but that’s not because I have been dishonest.

But, you wouldn't be hosting. Wouldn't your inlaws? I'm sure your SIL would be fine if you and DH left for awhile. I really was on your side, but you really sound difficult the more you post. This is just a vent about your SIL. We get it.

I do the cooking and cleaning. That's the deal of us living here. I do the caretaking stuff they can no longer do. They provide childcare. We both save some money.

But no, I'd need to come up with 3 more meals, and figure out sleeping arrangements, and change all the sheets, etc . . . I work full time, My only day off for Christas is Friday which would be the day they come.

[Anonymous]

I probably would have had all the family over at the grandparents' house .your dh can go lie down when he's tired or overwhelmed. I really don't see why your creating these issues.

-- stage 4 cancer patient

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I probably would have had all the family over at the grandparents' house .your dh can go lie down when he's tired or overwhelmed. I really don't see why your creating these issues.

-- stage 4 cancer patient

Because exhaustion from cancer, and neurological irritability from new brain injuries don't present in remotely the same way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I probably would have had all the family over at the grandparents' house .your dh can go lie down when he's tired or overwhelmed. I really don't see why your creating these issues.

-- stage 4 cancer patient

Because exhaustion from cancer, and neurological irritability from new brain injuries don't present in remotely the same way?

Well the covid concerns seem like a bunch of drama, then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I probably would have had all the family over at the grandparents' house .your dh can go lie down when he's tired or overwhelmed. I really don't see why your creating these issues.

-- stage 4 cancer patient

Because exhaustion from cancer, and neurological irritability from new brain injuries don't present in remotely the same way?

Well the covid concerns seem like a bunch of drama, then.

The fact that I'm concerned about my elderly immunocompromised mother in law getting covid is drama because my husband has a brain injury?

[Anonymous]

I do the cooking and cleaning. That's the deal of us living here. I do the caretaking stuff they can no longer do. They provide childcare. We both save some money.

But no, I'd need to come up with 3 more meals, and figure out sleeping arrangements, and change all the sheets, etc . . . I work full time, My only day off for Christas is Friday which would be the day they come.


Can the SIL and her partner at least take on some of the extra tasks, like making their own damn beds or bringing some casseroles. Anything? This is too much on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I probably would have had all the family over at the grandparents' house .your dh can go lie down when he's tired or overwhelmed. I really don't see why your creating these issues.

-- stage 4 cancer patient

Because exhaustion from cancer, and neurological irritability from new brain injuries don't present in remotely the same way?

OP, I think comments like this reinforce a point I made earlier upthread... people on this thread and your own family do not understand the nature of your husband's illness and this lack of understanding is making it difficult for you to communicate reasonably with them about plans. I'm not sure this is something that can be fully addressed by Friday, but ultimately you need to make it a priority in the new year to make sure family truly understands what his condition is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it sounds more complicated. I personally would want to rest in my own room if things got overwhelming. I’m sure she set it up that way because they’ll just leave after 30 minutes. I think that’s fine, but she’s not being honest about it, unless she said it was probably just a drive by.

I understand that might be what you want. I find it hard to imagine what it’s like to find that your brain doesn’t work like it used to. DH doesn’t react to being overwhelmed by getting sleepy and wanting to go off. He gets confused and irritable and agitated. He does best with a walk or a drive or a change of scenery. That will be easier to make happen if I am not also hosting a ton of people.

My hope would be that we’ll come and do presents and then he’ll take some kind of break and be back for the meal. Maybe that will be too long, we’ll play it by ear.

The sibling hosting has a good sense of what to expect. They’ll be fine with whatever happens. There has been no dishonesty. The sibling who is objecting does not have realistic expectations, but that’s not because I have been dishonest.

But, you wouldn't be hosting. Wouldn't your inlaws? I'm sure your SIL would be fine if you and DH left for awhile. I really was on your side, but you really sound difficult the more you post. This is just a vent about your SIL. We get it.

I do the cooking and cleaning. That's the deal of us living here. I do the caretaking stuff they can no longer do. They provide childcare. We both save some money.

But no, I'd need to come up with 3 more meals, and figure out sleeping arrangements, and change all the sheets, etc . . . I work full time, My only day off for Christas is Friday which would be the day they come.

OP, tell the family members to bring air mattresses and their own bedding and towels for the extra guests. Assign them each a meal or parts of a meal and let them be responsible. You don't 100% of this on your own. Order pizza if no one will cook. Or, get some premade stuff at costco.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I do the cooking and cleaning. That's the deal of us living here. I do the caretaking stuff they can no longer do. They provide childcare. We both save some money.

But no, I'd need to come up with 3 more meals, and figure out sleeping arrangements, and change all the sheets, etc . . . I work full time, My only day off for Christas is Friday which would be the day they come.

Can the SIL and her partner at least take on some of the extra tasks, like making their own damn beds or bringing some casseroles. Anything? This is too much on you.

No, they would expect to be treated as guests.