When one sibling lives in parents' house

[Anonymous]

I think it sounds more complicated. I personally would want to rest in my own room if things got overwhelming. I’m sure she set it up that way because they’ll just leave after 30 minutes. I think that’s fine, but she’s not being honest about it, unless she said it was probably just a drive by.

[Anonymous]

OP, why is it up to you to find the compromise? I would tell grandparents that you came up with the original plan, like it, and think you should stick to it. If they change up the plans, that is not on you. You can then do what you need to do to (hotel overnight) for your own family.

[Anonymous]

Hugs to OP. Dealing with a sick spouse is so stressful, I cannot imagine doing it living with the ILs and trying to make them happy.

I think your sentiment should be “I wish DH was well enough right now that we could do things the way we always have.” Unlike most posters, I say prioritize DH’s health and what he can manage over what preschoolers want. Tell SIL that hopefully next year DH will be more stable and you can resume your traditional plans. Could your kids sleepover at SILs on 12/23 so cousins can wake up together? Maybe with a special Christmas Eve brunch, you and GPs can join them in the morning and maybe even a cousin gift exchange. My kids are a little older than SIL’s, they’d take this trade in a second. This gives DH a chance to rest and hopefully be in the best possible shape for Christmas and you can stick with your original celebratory plans.

[Anonymous]

This whole thread is quite literally about indulging a toddler/elementary school tantrum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is going to need rest time throughout the day no matter what. I think you are pretty unreasonable, OP, to think that he’s going to be around all day with the kids.

Block schedule your holiday with large breaks, and stay flexible.

I think the cousins tradition is kind of dumb. Your kids are a bit old to care about or even want to be hanging out with young cousins.

If I had to guess, he’ll probably be good for 2 blocks, some quiet time for stockings and breakfast with just my kids in the a.m., a nice break, a quiet drive, and then reengaging off and on for a couple hours at the gathering. But if that first visit is super early in the morning, and chaotic, in the way that Christmas with young kids can be, we’ll be more likely to need to bail on the second part. I want him to be there and enjoy it. I don’t think that’s selfish.

And I, my kids don’t want to participate in this tradition. They are clear about what they want.

— OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it sounds more complicated. I personally would want to rest in my own room if things got overwhelming. I’m sure she set it up that way because they’ll just leave after 30 minutes. I think that’s fine, but she’s not being honest about it, unless she said it was probably just a drive by.

I understand that might be what you want. I find it hard to imagine what it’s like to find that your brain doesn’t work like it used to. DH doesn’t react to being overwhelmed by getting sleepy and wanting to go off. He gets confused and irritable and agitated. He does best with a walk or a drive or a change of scenery. That will be easier to make happen if I am not also hosting a ton of people.

My hope would be that we’ll come and do presents and then he’ll take some kind of break and be back for the meal. Maybe that will be too long, we’ll play it by ear.

The sibling hosting has a good sense of what to expect. They’ll be fine with whatever happens. There has been no dishonesty. The sibling who is objecting does not have realistic expectations, but that’s not because I have been dishonest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to move out of your in-law's house. A DIL should not be providing elder care IMO. It will only cause resentment from all sides.

Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Big hugs to you, OP. What a terrible situation you're in with your husband and children. It boggles my mind how terrible other posters are being.

Your DH sibling sounds intractable and sulky. The grandparents understand. The baby is too young. The other young children might be momentarily perplexed by the change of tradition, but if they were being raised by decent humans, could understand that a serious situation was happening. Plus, the distraction of Christmas would be enough.

Yes, of course the grandparents *should* be able to host a holiday as they please in their own home. But this is not a normal year. One of their sons is seriously ill. Adjustments need to be made.

+1 and to add...
OP, the timing for this is terrible, because there is ticking clock to figure out these logistics before Xmas Day.
I think what is happening here is that the sibling really does not have a grasp on the serious nature of your DH's health conditions. I think they are being rather self-centered and selfish, so it's not clear if they will EVER get it, but I do think there needs to be a way for there to be a reality check. Everyone was so upset by last year's Covid Christmas that people are weirdly adamant about getting their version of "normal" Christmas this year.
The reality is that even without Covid, Christmas CAN'T be what sibling has imagined as "normal".
I think you figure out what you need to do for your immediate family--your DH and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why is it up to you to find the compromise? I would tell grandparents that you came up with the original plan, like it, and think you should stick to it. If they change up the plans, that is not on you. You can then do what you need to do to (hotel overnight) for your own family.

I didn’t come up with the original plan. It was a plan that everyone contributed to. To be honest I don’t know how solving it became my job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Big hugs to you, OP. What a terrible situation you're in with your husband and children. It boggles my mind how terrible other posters are being.

Your DH sibling sounds intractable and sulky. The grandparents understand. The baby is too young. The other young children might be momentarily perplexed by the change of tradition, but if they were being raised by decent humans, could understand that a serious situation was happening. Plus, the distraction of Christmas would be enough.

Yes, of course the grandparents *should* be able to host a holiday as they please in their own home. But this is not a normal year. One of their sons is seriously ill. Adjustments need to be made.

+1 and to add...
OP, the timing for this is terrible, because there is ticking clock to figure out these logistics before Xmas Day.
I think what is happening here is that the sibling really does not have a grasp on the serious nature of your DH's health conditions. I think they are being rather self-centered and selfish, so it's not clear if they will EVER get it, but I do think there needs to be a way for there to be a reality check. Everyone was so upset by last year's Covid Christmas that people are weirdly adamant about getting their version of "normal" Christmas this year.
The reality is that even without Covid, Christmas CAN'T be what sibling has imagined as "normal".
I think you figure out what you need to do for your immediate family--your DH and your kids.

Well yes, personally, I think unless there's an emergency you don't propose major changes to holiday plans less than a week before the holiday. I work Monday - Thursday this week, so springing this on me on Sunday night, when I thought we had a plan, seems unfair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to move out of your in-law's house. A DIL should not be providing elder care IMO. It will only cause resentment from all sides.

Why?

+2 because you will feel as though you can call the shots even though it’s not your house or your parents.

This whole arrangement will not end well and this Christmas fiasco is just the start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why is it up to you to find the compromise? I would tell grandparents that you came up with the original plan, like it, and think you should stick to it. If they change up the plans, that is not on you. You can then do what you need to do to (hotel overnight) for your own family.

I didn’t come up with the original plan. It was a plan that everyone contributed to. To be honest I don’t know how solving it became my job.

Tell the grandparents, who put you in the position of solving it, there is no way to make everyone happy, and that the original plan is what will work best under the circumstances for everyone.

The GPs seem to want to indulge their youngest grandchildren, but it’ll be at the expense of your DH and your family.

If the GP’s need you around for eldercare as well, how will hosting work out anyway? It seems a lot of it will fall to you. Tell them it’ll be too much on your plate this year.

[Anonymous]

OP here, this is sort of right. I'll correct and answer questions in bold

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I and our kids (tween and teen) live with his parents. We moved in for pandemic related reasons, and then stayed, in part because DH has developed a serious illness, which has caused permanent disability. We are still adjusting to that.

DH's sibling used to live far away and came home with her kids every year for Christmas, staying with my in laws. Of course last year was different due to the pandemic. This year they moved back to the state, and live close by. They have more kids than we do, and their kids are younger, including a young baby.

Last week I sat down with all of DH's parents and siblings and we made a plan for Christmas (DH is really not in a place to do this, due to illness). We agreed that we'd each do Christmas morning at our own house, and then meet at another sibling's house in the afternoon to exchange gifts, play games and have a feast. I like this plan. DH's stamina is a huge issue, and he gets overwhelmed by kid chaos. So, allowing him to focus on our kids in the morning makes sense to me. ..

compromise.

The facts are way beyond the thread title that could have been 1 sib living in the parents house:
-GPs own a 3 plus bedroom house.

Yes, they own a 4 bedroom home. We have 2 bedrooms, GPs have one and there is a guest room. The sofa in the living room is also a pull out. SIL wants the bedroom for her, her DH and her baby, and to kick my kids out of their room for her kids. Or to have them all share.


-OP+DH have a tween and a teen. Do they have friends over at the GP house where they now live? Their house is local to GP yet they moved in with the GP so 2-3 bedrooms at the GP are no longer available for guest family.

We moved a few blocks. So, their friends are all in the area, their schools are the same. We aren't doing any indoor socialization, other than with family, because of MIL's health.


Why move in? Unknown.

Before the pandemic, MIL was my afterschool childcare provider. We paid her, and she either came to us, or we went to them. She became more physically frail as my kids were outgrowing the need for childcare, and it sort of transitioned to more of a mutual benefit. When the pandemic came, and they weren't seeing each other any more my kids really missed MIL, and she was very lonely because FIL was trying to run his business from home. So, they asked us if we'd merge households. It worked out really well, because there was company and supervision for everyone. I could make sure everyone was fed, and the house was clean, which was hard for them to manage. We were trying to decide whether to stay or move back home last summer when DH became ill. At that point, it seemed like stability for the kids was the right choice.


-1 sib with a DW + 2 young children + now a baby used to stay over at GP house prior to moving locally. OP despite having a local residence also slept over there at Christmas.

The sibling is a sister, I thought I gave it away when I said she was nursing and didn't want to leave the baby to visit in the hospital. They'd come for a short visit, and my kids would want to spend as much time as possible with the cousins, so we'd have a bunch of sleepovers. The one on Christmas Eve was always at Grandma's. Now they're here and the kids (they have 4 total, 3 + baby) see each other a couple times a week. We had a bunch of sleepovers in the summer, and a couple since then. So, squeezing in cousin time at Christmas seems less urgent to me.

-Unknown how many other sibs of the DH with spouses and adult children will be at any 2021 gathering or where they live. All the DH sibs are likely wondering about the living situation of their parents.

DH is one of 4. One is married with adult kids. One is married with no kids yet. When we gather at the house of the oldest sibling, there will also be a few other elderly relatives. None of those people would be coming to our house either way. They've always just come for the presents/dinner part of the day.

On avoiding breakthrough infections it's easier to control exposure of younger kids than tweens or teens or young adults.

In theory this sounds right. In reality, we're more covid cautious than SIL. If we weren't here, then my in laws would probably need to hire someone to come in, so there would be risk either way. My in laws would rather take the risk of seeing their grandchildren.

If I were the GP and all residences were local I'd have an early lite Christmas Eve dinner at my own house then go to the other house and sleep over to have early AM with the young children and breakfast. Whole thing could be over and them back at their house before the tween and teen even roll out of bed.

I think that sounds like a great idea, but my SIL does not want to host her parents at her home. She also doesn't want to do cousin sleepovers at her house as someone else suggested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is quite literally about indulging a toddler/elementary school tantrum.

This is right. And it has been amplified by the DH's sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it sounds more complicated. I personally would want to rest in my own room if things got overwhelming. I’m sure she set it up that way because they’ll just leave after 30 minutes. I think that’s fine, but she’s not being honest about it, unless she said it was probably just a drive by.

I understand that might be what you want. I find it hard to imagine what it’s like to find that your brain doesn’t work like it used to. DH doesn’t react to being overwhelmed by getting sleepy and wanting to go off. He gets confused and irritable and agitated. He does best with a walk or a drive or a change of scenery. That will be easier to make happen if I am not also hosting a ton of people.

My hope would be that we’ll come and do presents and then he’ll take some kind of break and be back for the meal. Maybe that will be too long, we’ll play it by ear.

The sibling hosting has a good sense of what to expect. They’ll be fine with whatever happens. There has been no dishonesty. The sibling who is objecting does not have realistic expectations, but that’s not because I have been dishonest.

But, you wouldn't be hosting. Wouldn't your inlaws? I'm sure your SIL would be fine if you and DH left for awhile. I really was on your side, but you really sound difficult the more you post. This is just a vent about your SIL. We get it.