When one sibling lives in parents' house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I probably would have had all the family over at the grandparents' house .your dh can go lie down when he's tired or overwhelmed. I really don't see why your creating these issues.

-- stage 4 cancer patient

Because exhaustion from cancer, and neurological irritability from new brain injuries don't present in remotely the same way?

Well the covid concerns seem like a bunch of drama, then.

The fact that I'm concerned about my elderly immunocompromised mother in law getting covid is drama because my husband has a brain injury?

Everyone needs a PRC before coming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I probably would have had all the family over at the grandparents' house .your dh can go lie down when he's tired or overwhelmed. I really don't see why your creating these issues.

-- stage 4 cancer patient

Because exhaustion from cancer, and neurological irritability from new brain injuries don't present in remotely the same way?

Well the covid concerns seem like a bunch of drama, then.

The fact that I'm concerned about my elderly immunocompromised mother in law getting covid is drama because my husband has a brain injury?

It is up to your in-laws to decide if they want indoor guests. If they've decided that their children and grandchildren are worth the calculated risk, then that's their choice.

Your husband's inlaws are right that you guys are squatting and taking control if the household. My sibling lives with my parents but he doesn't decide who they bring into the home. We respect work/study times, but also aren't made unwelcome by sibling. You're crossing the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I do the cooking and cleaning. That's the deal of us living here. I do the caretaking stuff they can no longer do. They provide childcare. We both save some money.

But no, I'd need to come up with 3 more meals, and figure out sleeping arrangements, and change all the sheets, etc . . . I work full time, My only day off for Christas is Friday which would be the day they come.

Can the SIL and her partner at least take on some of the extra tasks, like making their own damn beds or bringing some casseroles. Anything? This is too much on you.

No, they would expect to be treated as guests.

Children should not be treated as guests in their parents' home. No one can force you to go all out. Do what you can, be straightforward, and let them know what meals/responsibilities they need to take on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I probably would have had all the family over at the grandparents' house .your dh can go lie down when he's tired or overwhelmed. I really don't see why your creating these issues.

-- stage 4 cancer patient

Because exhaustion from cancer, and neurological irritability from new brain injuries don't present in remotely the same way?

OP, I think comments like this reinforce a point I made earlier upthread... people on this thread and your own family do not understand the nature of your husband's illness and this lack of understanding is making it difficult for you to communicate reasonably with them about plans. I'm not sure this is something that can be fully addressed by Friday, but ultimately you need to make it a priority in the new year to make sure family truly understands what his condition is.

They'll understand when they visit, if allowed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You lived rent free for 2 years....stay in a hotel..dont be selfish

Where did I say we don't pay rent?

I'd be thrilled to stay in a hotel. Sibling has said that if that happens they won't come because there's "no point" if the cousins (my kids) aren't there.

Leave your kids with them and have a night with your husband.

On Christmas Eve? Not only no, but HELL NO.

OP here, while I might have thought the above, I want to clear that wasn't me.

But no, I'm not going to give up spending Christmas with my own children, so that their cousins can.

You have every single night with your kids. You need to find a compromise and remember this is where you are living but it is not your house.

Christmas Eve with her own damn children is more important than “every single night” and you know it.

How absurd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op it seems to me that everything will be a no unless everyone does as exactly as you say.

It seems that the big issue is that the sibling wants the cousins to wake up together and you don't want them to because of the reasons you have given and you aren't going to bend on this issue.

You are going to have to tell everyone else how it will be and then let what happens, happens. Others have given numerous suggestions such as wear ear plugs, your husband can retire when he is tired and none of this is good enough.

So your only option left is to let everyone know how Christmas will be moving forward, all while you live in someone else's house. I get that its tough but you won't answer questions on what the grandparents think. I guess sibling will be disappointed but if you aren't willing to bend you need to just let everyone know. Tell the sibling it isn't happening this year and tell the in-laws they will just have to deal with it.

If this situation is going to continue this living arrangement may not work long term. You still haven't said what the grandparents want to do, it is their house, what do they want?

OP here,

I have answered multiple times that the grandparents were happy with the original plan, but are sad that their child is upset and have asked us to problem solve, saying they would love to find a solution that makes everyone happy. When I made suggestions (e.g. we leave so sibling can visit overnight here, or they visit overnight there) they said they’d be fine with those but sibling has said those solutions aren’t better. My FIL is worried about MIL (high risk) and covid.

Your OP stated the grandparents were hoping for a compromise and whilst you say they said they are happy with this plan, they have told you they don't like seeing their child upset and they are hoping for a compromise to make everyone happy. What they are hoping for is for you to chill out and change your mind, but you can't see it.

You say your husband gets so fatigued but somehow he will be better going to a siblings house and being stuck there for a feast rather than in his own home where he can retreat and lie down. Why will it be better for your husband to move to another house and do gifts and a feast but this can't be done in your inlaws house. So what if the kids stay over, the covid risk will be the same whether you go to the siblings house or stay at the grandparents house.

It appears you are hell bent on not letting the sibling stay. Your inlaws sound like they are being polite by telling you they think its a good plan. If they were really happy they would tell the sibling that's what they want to do but they haven't. Somewhere deep inside they want the tradition to stay. So perhaps you and your husband go to a hotel and leave the kids in your bedroom to sleep whilst the cousins sleep in your kids bedrooms. They can do their traditions and you can meet up later for a feast at the inlaws.

But let me guess, you don't want to be put out, someone else has to be put out. Your inlaws said they were happy for you to go to a hotel and the sibling just wants the cousins to be together. At a hotel your husband can sleep in the next morning late and not be disturbed by the noise. I would say you go to a hotel with your husband and leave the kids to play with the cousins and do the tradition of the cousins sleeping at the inlaws. Then you can do the feast much like what you would have done at the siblings house but do it at the grandparents house. Everyone is apparently vaccinated and everyone can do a rapid test before going.

No. No. No. the cousins “wanting to wake up with their cousins” do NOT outweigh OP and her DH being WITH THEIR OWN CHILDREN ON CHRISTMAS EVE, especially while going through a major life and health crisis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I probably would have had all the family over at the grandparents' house .your dh can go lie down when he's tired or overwhelmed. I really don't see why your creating these issues.

-- stage 4 cancer patient

Because exhaustion from cancer, and neurological irritability from new brain injuries don't present in remotely the same way?

Well the covid concerns seem like a bunch of drama, then.

The fact that I'm concerned about my elderly immunocompromised mother in law getting covid is drama because my husband has a brain injury?

You and your children regularly expose mil to covid risk, on a daily basis.

[Anonymous]

Your SIL is the worst. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't the grandparents want to do what is best for their own son's health? I am surprised no one seems that worried about his well-being vs some Christmas tradition that is not a great idea in the age of COVID anyway.

Most likely they think one night is not a big deal. This isn’t a one room cabin. OP’s husband can retire to his room any time he’s feeling too tired/overwhelmed.

[b]+1 If DH is that disturbed by the noise he can stay in his room with noise canceling headphones…it seems pretty outlandish that simply being in the same residence as the cousins is going to cause his health to deteriorate. OP and family are just set in their ways residing with the grandparents and don’t want to have to adapt to accommodate other family members.

This. I am sorry for what you are going through, OP, but you are not talking about a week-long visit from SIL and family. This is 24 hours.

No. The husband is disabled and he is part of the family. It’s not OP’s responsibility to cater to every desire her nieces and nephews express. It sounds like OP and her children have sacrificed a lot to cope with her husband’s illness. His sister and her children will need to get over the fact that their uncle’s disability will slightly impact their preferred Christmas sleeping arrangements. They need to get over it.

OP, you need to stop indulging this. Stop devoting any more mental energy to their whining. You gave them 3 options, they can pick one and move on.

So much this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op it seems to me that everything will be a no unless everyone does as exactly as you say.

It seems that the big issue is that the sibling wants the cousins to wake up together and you don't want them to because of the reasons you have given and you aren't going to bend on this issue.

You are going to have to tell everyone else how it will be and then let what happens, happens. Others have given numerous suggestions such as wear ear plugs, your husband can retire when he is tired and none of this is good enough.

So your only option left is to let everyone know how Christmas will be moving forward, all while you live in someone else's house. I get that its tough but you won't answer questions on what the grandparents think. I guess sibling will be disappointed but if you aren't willing to bend you need to just let everyone know. Tell the sibling it isn't happening this year and tell the in-laws they will just have to deal with it.

If this situation is going to continue this living arrangement may not work long term. You still haven't said what the grandparents want to do, it is their house, what do they want?

OP here,

I have answered multiple times that the grandparents were happy with the original plan, but are sad that their child is upset and have asked us to problem solve, saying they would love to find a solution that makes everyone happy. When I made suggestions (e.g. we leave so sibling can visit overnight here, or they visit overnight there) they said they’d be fine with those but sibling has said those solutions aren’t better. My FIL is worried about MIL (high risk) and covid.

Your OP stated the grandparents were hoping for a compromise and whilst you say they said they are happy with this plan, they have told you they don't like seeing their child upset and they are hoping for a compromise to make everyone happy. What they are hoping for is for you to chill out and change your mind, but you can't see it.

You say your husband gets so fatigued but somehow he will be better going to a siblings house and being stuck there for a feast rather than in his own home where he can retreat and lie down. Why will it be better for your husband to move to another house and do gifts and a feast but this can't be done in your inlaws house. So what if the kids stay over, the covid risk will be the same whether you go to the siblings house or stay at the grandparents house.

It appears you are hell bent on not letting the sibling stay. Your inlaws sound like they are being polite by telling you they think its a good plan. If they were really happy they would tell the sibling that's what they want to do but they haven't. Somewhere deep inside they want the tradition to stay. So perhaps you and your husband go to a hotel and leave the kids in your bedroom to sleep whilst the cousins sleep in your kids bedrooms. They can do their traditions and you can meet up later for a feast at the inlaws.

But let me guess, you don't want to be put out, someone else has to be put out. Your inlaws said they were happy for you to go to a hotel and the sibling just wants the cousins to be together. At a hotel your husband can sleep in the next morning late and not be disturbed by the noise. I would say you go to a hotel with your husband and leave the kids to play with the cousins and do the tradition of the cousins sleeping at the inlaws. Then you can do the feast much like what you would have done at the siblings house but do it at the grandparents house. Everyone is apparently vaccinated and everyone can do a rapid test before going.

I think that being at the other sibling's for Christmas dinner will be a little easier because we can leave, and because if I'm not hosting I can concentrate on DH. There's a guest room we could use if DH gets overwhelmed. But there is still consensus about going there for the meal. The sibling who wants to sleep at the house agrees that that house is better for the afternoon gathering. It's got a much bigger yard. It's got first floor bathrooms for the elderly. If moving the meal here was a workable compromise, I'd be open to that, but it isn't the solution.

Then OP stick with that plan, the original one. Its the best plan for all the reasons you have just listed here. Tell your inlaws that's what you want to do for all these reasons you list here. Tell the sibling that's what you want to do. If they come up with a better plan great but so far it doesn't seem like anyone has come up with other solutions that fit. If the sibling is upset so be it, they will have to deal with it. I would just leave it that the original plan is your choice and then leave it with them.

Hope your husband improves, it must be tough.

[Anonymous]

DH makes this decision

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I do the cooking and cleaning. That's the deal of us living here. I do the caretaking stuff they can no longer do. They provide childcare. We both save some money.

But no, I'd need to come up with 3 more meals, and figure out sleeping arrangements, and change all the sheets, etc . . . I work full time, My only day off for Christas is Friday which would be the day they come.

Can the SIL and her partner at least take on some of the extra tasks, like making their own damn beds or bringing some casseroles. Anything? This is too much on you.

No, they would expect to be treated as guests.

Well it looks like SIL wants all the things and she can’t have all the things so she’s going to have to make choices. It would be much better if that came from someone who is not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why is it up to you to find the compromise? I would tell grandparents that you came up with the original plan, like it, and think you should stick to it. If they change up the plans, that is not on you. You can then do what you need to do to (hotel overnight) for your own family.

I didn’t come up with the original plan. It was a plan that everyone contributed to. To be honest I don’t know how solving it became my job.

Because you are viewed as disrupting tradition. Your family is in the way of the way things are done in DH’s family. The grandparents see it that way as well or they wouldn’t be taking the passive aggressive stance of asking you to find the compromise.

Everyone in the family, but you, thinks your husband can suck up the one day of noise.

“Tradition.” Sounds like it happened for a couple years, not last year, because SIL lived elsewhere and it was easiest for Christmas vacation. Time and tradition change. OP, watch out, this is just the start. I bet SIL is about to turn into a thorn in your side.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read all the pages, but if DH is not at greater risk for covid, and it’s about his stamina, can’t you still have the cousins at the grandparents’ house? Your DH can still focus on your kids in the morning and retire to the bedroom as needed.

[Anonymous]

What do the inlaws want? Their house and they are of sound what the grandparents want is what' should happen. It's not up to you or your SIL.