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[quote=Anonymous]I don’t get it, op, you *moved* a couple of blocks when you all could have stayed in your own home and visited Grandma whenever you wanted?  What’s happening with your old house?

I get the kids missing Grandma, I get you wanting to cook and clean (actually I don’t, not if you have your own family) but I *really* don’t get *moving* in with them.  I’m not sure why it’s your problem that the in-laws would need to hire someone to do what you do.. certainly fil can cook, learn to cook, and/or hire a cleaning service. Or, he can hire someone that really isn’t your problem.

I’d also be furious that the in-laws don’t have your back, assuming things are as you present them.  As another poster said, I also smell a rat here.  Too much weirdness veiled in caring for the elderly along with a disabled husband.  Newsflash op, stress and fatigue make everything suck.. for everybody.  It’s why people fight after a baby is born, why people fight about making dinner v. getting take-out, nobody performs well when they are stressed and/or fatigued.

I’m also wondering if you are angry the cousins moved back, like them, you also had a choice to move though you moved in, and you also have a choice to stay.

Know that the sil probably doesn’t understand the psychology of kicking someone out of a bedroom v. everybody crashing in the living room for a night.  I’ve posted about this before how my grandma used to get my room when she’d come to visit. That was fine until I became a tween. I remember my dad wanting to go someplace so I went to my room to get a pair of socks and brush my hair. My dad came back and was like “What are you doing here” and I said “getting some socks and brushing my hair”. I think he was worried I’d go through her old lady stuff.. and I hadn’t, nor did I want to, I simply needed to do the same things most kids do in their bedroom. To my dad’s credit, that was the last time Grandma kicked me out of my room. Your sil’s kids are little so she probably doesn’t understand this at all, she can get them what they need, there’s no reason to be in the bedroom, she’s simply at a different stage of life then you.

If your fil can run a business, he can be the one to say to the other siblings “This is what we’re doing and this is why”. Or, your mil can do it. Some of these physically frail old ladies have lost nothing when it comes to telling the younger generation what’s what.  The “we just want everybody to be happy” isn’t doing you any favors.  It’s why you don’t take on other people’s problems, and one of many reasons why you don’t move in, the dil becomes the “mean b**ch” no matter what.

Good luck, op. I’d talk with fil and tell him that unless he grows a spine, your cooking and cleaning will end as of Jan 1, and you, your husband and the kids will move back home. Your teen is legal baby-sitting age, and your tween can probably be left home alone so you can take your husband on drives and walks.. in other words, you don’t need the in-laws.

As other people have said, if this disability is going to be long-term, you and your husband and the kids need to learn how to deal with it. You also need to separate out are disability related requirements v. adult requirements.  Wanting a bedroom with a door he can close is something all adults want.  Look at some of the fights that happen when Uncle Billy gets divorced and is now expected to sleep on the couch because he doesn’t have an adult with him, i.e. nobody to have sex with, so no reason to have a room with a door. Your husband is just being an adult.

As for the drives and walks, can he do those on his own or do you need to take him? Any way he can get a fancy chair so he can be comfortable and still decompress.. and/or a treadmill so he can walk whenever he feels like it? Be very aware that the medical community and society expect the spouse of someone with a disability to do things nobody else would.  You’re free to say no and remind people that you are his wife. Part of this though will involve looking at what is being gained by the walks and drives and seeing if things can be done differently.  I’m wondering if living with his parents isn’t helping anybody, they see their disabled son and think “I’d (fill in a list) and so you don’t have the opportunity to say no or to sort out a better solution because you’re living with them and again, you’re the “mean b**ch” if you do anything different from what they want. 
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