Breadwinner wants out of the rat race

[Anonymous]

A few years ago, DH and I were both biglaw senior associates. Both well-regarded, both in partner-track positions. But after getting tired of never seeing one another, we decided that something had to give, and agreed that I'd transition to a nonprofit job -- not really law-related -- with a 9-5 schedule, located pretty close to our home in NoVa, and he'd keep working toward promotion. It wasn't a formal "deal" or "agreement," more just a joint decision that based on where we were at the time, it made sense and would free me up to be more supportive on the homefront. I feel like I would have been happy to continue working toward promotion and keep working in biglaw, even though that industry was and is extraordinarily stressful, so I admit that one additional benefit of this has been that I'm a lot less stressed and happier.

That's worked well so far. DH got promoted to partner, is well liked, has a bright future career-wise. But like I said, the industry is stressful and it's weighing on him. He works about 70 hours a week. He wants to leave, possibly for a fed job that would cut our HHI by maybe 2/3.

I desperately want DH to be less stressed and to be happy. For that reason I've taken on everything I possibly can at home and with the kid (one 3 year old and one on the way). And I know first-hand how hard biglaw can be on you. And we could get by on the reduced salary. We both came from nothing so a GS-15 and my nonprofit salaries combined are more than we dreamed of as kids. (Although our parents were raising us in very low COL areas.) And we've been saving a bunch, with the eventual goal of early retirement -- meanwhile enjoying the fact that one benefit of the partner salary is nice vacations and the ability to splurge on a nice dinner here and there. So we could be "ok" on the reduced salary.

Is it crazy of me, though, to feel a little upset that our bargain is falling apart? He would (rightly) counter that it was never a set-in-stone "deal" that he would work as a biglaw partner forever. But we knew that I was pretty much writing my law career off when I made my switch, and that I did it to make our home life better thinking that he would stay in biglaw. And there's a part of me that feels like I wouldn't be doing this to him if the roles were reversed. I'd be toughing it out and enjoying how much he did at home on a 9-5 schedule. But who really knows? That's very easy for me to say. Another part is that biglaw partner compensation is generally weighted toward the end of your career, so I feel like if he left we'd be throwing away the "investment" of the early career long hours and stress.

He's a wonderful man and a great dad, and I adore him for providing for us so far. But what do you do when your breadwinner wants to cut your HHI by 60-70%? How do I navigate this with him?

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you see if he can step “down” if he wants to be less stressed and you can step “up” from a nonprofit if you really miss the extra income? Understandably, he’s tired and you admit yourself you don’t need the extra money. Having him around more with young kids would *seem* to benefit everyone so I’m not seeing the problem here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few years ago, DH and I were both biglaw senior associates. Both well-regarded, both in partner-track positions. But after getting tired of never seeing one another, we decided that something had to give, and agreed that I'd transition to a nonprofit job -- not really law-related -- with a 9-5 schedule, located pretty close to our home in NoVa, and he'd keep working toward promotion. It wasn't a formal "deal" or "agreement," more just a joint decision that based on where we were at the time, it made sense and would free me up to be more supportive on the homefront. I feel like I would have been happy to continue working toward promotion and keep working in biglaw, even though that industry was and is extraordinarily stressful, so I admit that one additional benefit of this has been that I'm a lot less stressed and happier.

That's worked well so far. DH got promoted to partner, is well liked, has a bright future career-wise. But like I said, the industry is stressful and it's weighing on him. He works about 70 hours a week. He wants to leave, possibly for a fed job that would cut our HHI by maybe 2/3.

I desperately want DH to be less stressed and to be happy. For that reason I've taken on everything I possibly can at home and with the kid (one 3 year old and one on the way). And I know first-hand how hard biglaw can be on you. And we could get by on the reduced salary. We both came from nothing so a GS-15 and my nonprofit salaries combined are more than we dreamed of as kids. (Although our parents were raising us in very low COL areas.) And we've been saving a bunch, with the eventual goal of early retirement -- meanwhile enjoying the fact that one benefit of the partner salary is nice vacations and the ability to splurge on a nice dinner here and there. So we could be "ok" on the reduced salary.

Is it crazy of me, though, to feel a little upset that our bargain is falling apart? He would (rightly) counter that it was never a set-in-stone "deal" that he would work as a biglaw partner forever. But we knew that I was pretty much writing my law career off when I made my switch, and that I did it to make our home life better thinking that he would stay in biglaw. And there's a part of me that feels like I wouldn't be doing this to him if the roles were reversed. I'd be toughing it out and enjoying how much he did at home on a 9-5 schedule. But who really knows? That's very easy for me to say. Another part is that biglaw partner compensation is generally weighted toward the end of your career, so I feel like if he left we'd be throwing away the "investment" of the early career long hours and stress.

He's a wonderful man and a great dad, and I adore him for providing for us so far. But what do you do when your breadwinner wants to cut your HHI by 60-70%? How do I navigate this with him?

You have a marriage, not a bargain. You sound so wrong all fronts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you see if he can step “down” if he wants to be less stressed and you can step “up” from a nonprofit if you really miss the extra income? Understandably, he’s tired and you admit yourself you don’t need the extra money. Having him around more with young kids would *seem* to benefit everyone so I’m not seeing the problem here.

OP here. I think you're probably on the right track. I tend to get a little "rigid" in my thinking/planning, so I look at what we've saved the past 3-4 years and think, "but we couldn't keep this rate up if he doesn't keep this job," instead of thinking, "what do we actually need?"

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your main concern is the drop in income and lifestyle adjustments that will need to happen. Understandable, but that's not really fair to the person who is burdened with maintaining that. I think you need to be as supportive as possible of what your DH wants to do about his career, and find a way as a couple to make that happen for him - just as you'd want him to support your career choices. Sit down together and go over the budget to figure out how things will look, and discuss your concerns with him. But at the end of the day, you really need to trust that he'll make the decision that's best for everyone. Otherwise there's going to be a lot of resentment between you two.

I also don't think you can expect him to handle it the same way you would if you were the one who had stayed in BigLaw. And like you said, you really DON'T know how you'd be feeling at this point in your career had you stayed, so that line of thinking is totally irrelevant.

If you are really concerned about the money, go back to a firm or get a higher paying job yourself.

[Anonymous]

You don't care about his happiness or mental/physical health. You want enjoy your high income lifestyle. At least, be honest about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few years ago, DH and I were both biglaw senior associates. Both well-regarded, both in partner-track positions. But after getting tired of never seeing one another, we decided that something had to give, and agreed that I'd transition to a nonprofit job -- not really law-related -- with a 9-5 schedule, located pretty close to our home in NoVa, and he'd keep working toward promotion. It wasn't a formal "deal" or "agreement," more just a joint decision that based on where we were at the time, it made sense and would free me up to be more supportive on the homefront. I feel like I would have been happy to continue working toward promotion and keep working in biglaw, even though that industry was and is extraordinarily stressful, so I admit that one additional benefit of this has been that I'm a lot less stressed and happier.

That's worked well so far. DH got promoted to partner, is well liked, has a bright future career-wise. But like I said, the industry is stressful and it's weighing on him. He works about 70 hours a week. He wants to leave, possibly for a fed job that would cut our HHI by maybe 2/3.

I desperately want DH to be less stressed and to be happy. For that reason I've taken on everything I possibly can at home and with the kid (one 3 year old and one on the way). And I know first-hand how hard biglaw can be on you. And we could get by on the reduced salary. We both came from nothing so a GS-15 and my nonprofit salaries combined are more than we dreamed of as kids. (Although our parents were raising us in very low COL areas.) And we've been saving a bunch, with the eventual goal of early retirement -- meanwhile enjoying the fact that one benefit of the partner salary is nice vacations and the ability to splurge on a nice dinner here and there. So we could be "ok" on the reduced salary.

Is it crazy of me, though, to feel a little upset that our bargain is falling apart? He would (rightly) counter that it was never a set-in-stone "deal" that he would work as a biglaw partner forever. But we knew that I was pretty much writing my law career off when I made my switch, and that I did it to make our home life better thinking that he would stay in biglaw. And there's a part of me that feels like I wouldn't be doing this to him if the roles were reversed. I'd be toughing it out and enjoying how much he did at home on a 9-5 schedule. But who really knows? That's very easy for me to say. Another part is that biglaw partner compensation is generally weighted toward the end of your career, so I feel like if he left we'd be throwing away the "investment" of the early career long hours and stress.

He's a wonderful man and a great dad, and I adore him for providing for us so far. But what do you do when your breadwinner wants to cut your HHI by 60-70%? How do I navigate this with him?

You have a marriage, not a bargain. You sound so wrong all fronts.

"Wrong on all fronts" to seek advice about how to navigate a spouse coming home one day and saying, "hey honey, I'm going to cut our income by 2/3"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few years ago, DH and I were both biglaw senior associates. Both well-regarded, both in partner-track positions. But after getting tired of never seeing one another, we decided that something had to give, and agreed that I'd transition to a nonprofit job -- not really law-related -- with a 9-5 schedule, located pretty close to our home in NoVa, and he'd keep working toward promotion. It wasn't a formal "deal" or "agreement," more just a joint decision that based on where we were at the time, it made sense and would free me up to be more supportive on the homefront. I feel like I would have been happy to continue working toward promotion and keep working in biglaw, even though that industry was and is extraordinarily stressful, so I admit that one additional benefit of this has been that I'm a lot less stressed and happier.

That's worked well so far. DH got promoted to partner, is well liked, has a bright future career-wise. But like I said, the industry is stressful and it's weighing on him. He works about 70 hours a week. He wants to leave, possibly for a fed job that would cut our HHI by maybe 2/3.

I desperately want DH to be less stressed and to be happy. For that reason I've taken on everything I possibly can at home and with the kid (one 3 year old and one on the way). And I know first-hand how hard biglaw can be on you. And we could get by on the reduced salary. We both came from nothing so a GS-15 and my nonprofit salaries combined are more than we dreamed of as kids. (Although our parents were raising us in very low COL areas.) And we've been saving a bunch, with the eventual goal of early retirement -- meanwhile enjoying the fact that one benefit of the partner salary is nice vacations and the ability to splurge on a nice dinner here and there. So we could be "ok" on the reduced salary.

Is it crazy of me, though, to feel a little upset that our bargain is falling apart? He would (rightly) counter that it was never a set-in-stone "deal" that he would work as a biglaw partner forever. But we knew that I was pretty much writing my law career off when I made my switch, and that I did it to make our home life better thinking that he would stay in biglaw. And there's a part of me that feels like I wouldn't be doing this to him if the roles were reversed. I'd be toughing it out and enjoying how much he did at home on a 9-5 schedule. But who really knows? That's very easy for me to say. Another part is that biglaw partner compensation is generally weighted toward the end of your career, so I feel like if he left we'd be throwing away the "investment" of the early career long hours and stress.

He's a wonderful man and a great dad, and I adore him for providing for us so far. But what do you do when your breadwinner wants to cut your HHI by 60-70%? How do I navigate this with him?

You have a marriage, not a bargain. You sound so wrong all fronts.

+1. So you get to step off the gas to enjoy life, but he is required to work like a dog for your comfort? Utterly selfish.

[Anonymous]

I think that you need to keep things in perspective. How would you feel if the situation was truly reversed? You say that you wouldn't do this to him, but if it was you working the 70-hour weeks and experiencing the stress, you would probably still yearn for less stress and a better balance.

People's needs change. When you are young, it is totally possible to look at your 70-hour weeks and find them exhilarating at best and annoying at worst. You think, well, it's not great, but look at how much we're saving/the awesome stuff that money facilitates. When you are not so young, or when you have children who you don't get to see very much, those 70-hour weeks start looking a lot less worth it.

Consider what your family actually needs. Do you NEED those "nice dinners out" or is that just something you want? Would you have to give them up entirely, or would you have to limit yourself to once a month or once every other month?

I think you need to recognize that people cannot sustain that kind of pace forever without wanting a change. Your husband wants a change. Support that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few years ago, DH and I were both biglaw senior associates. Both well-regarded, both in partner-track positions. But after getting tired of never seeing one another, we decided that something had to give, and agreed that I'd transition to a nonprofit job -- not really law-related -- with a 9-5 schedule, located pretty close to our home in NoVa, and he'd keep working toward promotion. It wasn't a formal "deal" or "agreement," more just a joint decision that based on where we were at the time, it made sense and would free me up to be more supportive on the homefront. I feel like I would have been happy to continue working toward promotion and keep working in biglaw, even though that industry was and is extraordinarily stressful, so I admit that one additional benefit of this has been that I'm a lot less stressed and happier.

That's worked well so far. DH got promoted to partner, is well liked, has a bright future career-wise. But like I said, the industry is stressful and it's weighing on him. He works about 70 hours a week. He wants to leave, possibly for a fed job that would cut our HHI by maybe 2/3.

I desperately want DH to be less stressed and to be happy. For that reason I've taken on everything I possibly can at home and with the kid (one 3 year old and one on the way). And I know first-hand how hard biglaw can be on you. And we could get by on the reduced salary. We both came from nothing so a GS-15 and my nonprofit salaries combined are more than we dreamed of as kids. (Although our parents were raising us in very low COL areas.) And we've been saving a bunch, with the eventual goal of early retirement -- meanwhile enjoying the fact that one benefit of the partner salary is nice vacations and the ability to splurge on a nice dinner here and there. So we could be "ok" on the reduced salary.

Is it crazy of me, though, to feel a little upset that our bargain is falling apart? He would (rightly) counter that it was never a set-in-stone "deal" that he would work as a biglaw partner forever. But we knew that I was pretty much writing my law career off when I made my switch, and that I did it to make our home life better thinking that he would stay in biglaw. And there's a part of me that feels like I wouldn't be doing this to him if the roles were reversed. I'd be toughing it out and enjoying how much he did at home on a 9-5 schedule. But who really knows? That's very easy for me to say. Another part is that biglaw partner compensation is generally weighted toward the end of your career, so I feel like if he left we'd be throwing away the "investment" of the early career long hours and stress.

He's a wonderful man and a great dad, and I adore him for providing for us so far. But what do you do when your breadwinner wants to cut your HHI by 60-70%? How do I navigate this with him?

You have a marriage, not a bargain. You sound so wrong all fronts.

+1000

Plus, OP, you have no idea how this equation is going to change further when your second child comes along. Or when they are 14 and 11 (like mine) and involved in every possible activity under the sun.

You very well may value his presence in your life more then, rather than the $$ he is bringing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't care about his happiness or mental/physical health. You want enjoy your high income lifestyle. At least, be honest about it.

This. Holy crap.

[Anonymous]

The second to last paragraph of your OP is really f*cked up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your main concern is the drop in income and lifestyle adjustments that will need to happen. Understandable, but that's not really fair to the person who is burdened with maintaining that. I think you need to be as supportive as possible of what your DH wants to do about his career, and find a way as a couple to make that happen for him - just as you'd want him to support your career choices. Sit down together and go over the budget to figure out how things will look, and discuss your concerns with him. But at the end of the day, you really need to trust that he'll make the decision that's best for everyone. Otherwise there's going to be a lot of resentment between you two.

I also don't think you can expect him to handle it the same way you would if you were the one who had stayed in BigLaw. And like you said, you really DON'T know how you'd be feeling at this point in your career had you stayed, so that line of thinking is totally irrelevant.

If you are really concerned about the money, go back to a firm or get a higher paying job yourself.

OP here. Thank you for some actual advice. These are helpful suggestions. As I hope was clear in my post, I do want to support him and do want him to be less stressed and happier. I'm just trying to figure out how to re-jigger the way we save because I want to be prudent about college savings, retirement, etc. and admittedly it was a lot easier to do that with a sky-high HHI.

I'll ignore the other trolls.

[Anonymous]

Your family can live comfortably and be happy or live very comfortably and be miserable. If you want to live very comfortably then get back on the fast track yourself and see how much you like it.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you should consider moving to a lower COL area and he could be a partner in a smaller city. Fewer hours, less pressure, and lifestyle won’t change because money goes farther.