Reply to What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?

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[quote=Anonymous]I married my husband when my step kids were early elementary school.  I actually really looked forward to building a relationship with them.   We only have them every other weekend, though, so it's probably a little different and a little easier than having them truly 50/50.

I read books on step parenting first, which I found very helpful.   I approached it as being sort of an aunt figure.  An adult who cared about them and wanted the best for them, but not someone trying to usurp or compete with their mom.  I proactively say nice things about their mom, even though I'm not a huge fan.  ;)

We've got a good relationship 11 years later.  I also went on to have a child with my husband.   "That" is when things got a little bit dicey because I began to have strong  opinions about parenting and they are occasionally different than what my husband does with his kids.   We do work through that, and I truthfully defer to him 99% of the time when it's about my step kids.   I disagree and debate more when it involves my bio kid.  I do not discipline my step kids at all.  That's left for my husband.  Fortunately, it has not been necessary often.  Again, probably because we only have them every other weekend.

We almost never have actual holidays together.   We cobble together different holiday celebrations with different groups of kids/people, as we can fit them in.   So if you plan on having the perfect Christmas with all the kids and your family and his family, etc., that may not be happening most Christmases.

We have gone through doing a will, figuring out inheritance needs, making trusts, etc., to make sure all the kids are provided for according to their needs (one is disabled).  This takes into consideration things like ensuring sufficient support while the kids are minors, if my husband dies, and understanding that his kids have per se different financial need because they have two different sets of parents with different earning abilities and net worths.

We keep our money separate, which is good for when child support is reconsidered.  They don't as for the last three years of "my" accounts.  Just DH's.  I think that also helps us "not" fight about money.

My husband and I are both of the opinion that kids' needs come first.   They cannot provide for themselves.  They are not fully emotionally mature.  They are still developing.   So I do defer my needs to theirs as needed.  But since I already think this way, it hasn't been hard.   I think it would be unbearable for a woman who needs to be put first by her significant other.

I have a lower standard of living than I would have if I'd married a childless man.  I knew that going in, and I'm fine with that.   Some are not.

It has been relatively easy in our case.  I don't know if it would have been so easy if I had brought children to the relationship as well.  I think the fact I was childless made it easier.  [/quote]

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