Reply to What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, when you say his ex was not thrilled about the divorce, do you mean that he left her?  Really think about whether you want to marry a man who left the mother of his children.

Can you and your boyfriend afford all these kids?  What happens if he has a change in his income, or if one of the kids ends up having some expensive special needs?  How will you feel when you are not able to spend money as you wish, because of his agreement with his ex?  If her income drops, he will have to pay more.

Whatever you do, don't buy into the "children are resilient" crap.  That's just the excuse adults make for treating children badly.  Divorce can be profoundly traumatizing for young children and take years for them to recover.  Not all kids, but some.  You need to be realistic about it.[/quote]

OP here - yikes you all are making this seem pretty awful.

I have a good amount of money so we can financially afford more kids.

Yes he left his family - they both agreed they were miserable, his wife wanted to keep working on it but he threw in the towel.  I don't currently judge him for it because I know how soul sucking a marriage where the love is gone can be - but [b]maybe I'll feel differently when I have kids?[/b]  [/quote]

Yes you will, because a divorce with kids leads to co-parenting with an ex, and it's pretty tough on the adults as well as the kids.

[quote=Anonymous] One of the problems in my first marriage is that my DHs needs always came before mine. With my current BF I fully want my boyfriend to put his kids first, he should and I would be disgusted with him if he didn't, but after reading all this I'm increasingly concerned about even though I believe thats the way it should be, actually living it will slowly grow resentment [/quote]

He'll put the kids first, but he'll also have to balance his relationship with his ex, for the kids' sake, and that may conflict with your needs.  You are right that this stuff is easy to endorse but hard to actually live.

Don't expect the kids to treat you well or care about you.  They aren't asking you to move in.  They don't need a 3rd parent.  They used to have a full-time dad.  Now you're asking for a share of his time and attention, and it'll be a loss for them.  A baby will be yet more.  I'm sure you're a wonderful person who would treat them well enough, but that isn't a substitute for their father's attention.  Be real about what this is costing them.

Personally, I don't mind my stepmother, and I like that she keeps my dad happy.  But I'm not going to place her feelings and wishes above myself, my mother and father, my siblings, my husband, and my own children.  So she tends to come last.  It's a complicated family and there are a lot of people to consider.  Lots of compromise.  Everyone feels like they aren't getting enough of what they want.  [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics