Help me out with this- new Christmas dilemma
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Anonymous
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What does the husband want you to do and the kids?
Stay home? This is an opportunity to clarify your families value system for your kids, tough lesson or not. And the problem seems to be that you and husband have differing value systems. He "doesn't take a handout" over family togetherness and harmony and you value family togetherness and harmony over other issues. But then does loyalty to current family trump loyalty to extended family? Or does it not when the issue is a value you do not value. This is soooo tough OP. I really feel for you. Is your marriage good otherwise? Your husband paying seems like a non-starter to me. If you stay home, you will be resentful and if you go, he will be resentful. I guess you have to keep talking to each other until you com ego an agreement that you can both live with. I'd be VERY tempted to go and take the kids, but that sends such a message of family dysfunction to everyone including yourselves. I just can't imagine not going when everyone else is going - and you all want to go, minus husband. I'd be too mad at him. What a mess. Too bad a gift causes this much angst. So sorry, OP. |
Anonymous
This. |
Anonymous
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Being gracious and accepting a gift is a learned social skill.
Your DH should learn it. is the entire trip actually being financed by your BIL. Or just the plane tickets? |
Anonymous
| Well, your DH clearly needs to get over it. But I would be annoyed that BIL sprung this big trip on everyone in such a showy way. It seems ostentatious, and it's rude to get kids excited about something before clearing it with their parents. |
Anonymous
How is the fact that OP'S brother-in-law is her sister's 2nd husband at all relevant? |
Anonymous
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If your husband came into a lot of money, is this not the sort of thing he would want to do.? I agree with the PP that experiences are better than stiff.
I also think that this is about wounded vanity, not self-respect. Why is he willing to deprive his family of a great experience rather than treat it as a kind offer made by a nice man with admirable priorities? If your BIL had a track record of paying for things and then lording it over you, I'd be with your DH, but assuming the worst of him from the start is not exactly in the spirit of the holidays. |
Anonymous
This is well-thought out re values. This reminds me of a situation I know of where inheriting lots of money/property divided siblings--so sad; would have been better if their parents had nothing to leave them. Yeah I don't think you can go without him because the message it sends to your kids about Christmas and family and togetherness would be bad. However; it's also giving the stick-in-the-mud so much control. ugh. But he sees the trip as symbolic for being bought--that quality is actually very impressive--it's just in this situation it's annoying as hell. Or, he sees the trip as the IL establishing alpha status and he doesn't want to give that up. You know, OP, if you can't come to a deal with your DH, maybe you can both agree to flip a coin and whomever wins will acquiesce with no resentment. That sounds a little crazy but I'm now focusing on the marriage and the resentment. (and the kids and their potential resentment) Ok a story but it actually relates--my widowed mom was proposed to by a handsome, nice, smart man that she's known for years (fyi this was two years ago when she was 88--it's not over until it's over, folks!) Anyways she went on about how much fun they have but she has always known him as a friend, going back to when her husband was alive, and doesn't see him in a romantic light. And commented that "he is worth SO much money, millions and millions of dollars and has no one to give it to!" Ha at that point my 13 y.o. DD got excited and started begging Grandma to marry this guy, which led to much hilarity and a good lesson for my DD--that even Grandma will only marry for love, not money. |
Anonymous
You can ask him if his pride is worth the damage to his relationship to his children. Focus on what a great opportunity it is for your children and to take it for them. How are you and your DH's finances in comparison to the rest of your family. Is this more of the same, albeit grander and larger scale? How much is it in comparison to his family? How much is his salary compared to yours? How competitive is your family? Things can change. My cousin married a very rich man. They were able to fly her nieces and nephews for fantastic skiing vacations, European tours and Hawaiian vacations. Her sister, also my cousin,said one of the reasons that it was easier to accept was that the level of wealth was just so much more than anyone else, there was no competition or reciprocation quilt. In the end, however, he died in debt. He was a gambler at heart, which is what led to his early business success, but made some bad decisions in the end. So, despite "being smart" and making sure she had at least one house paid off and totally in her name and having $5m in the bank in her name, she lost it all, the lawyers ended up being able to change her address a community property state, since that is where they were at the end of his life (for medical reasons) and it was a community property state. She now gets monthly stipends from her siblings. |
Anonymous
| it's not a handout, it's a gift. those are not the same thing. if he chooses not to accept the gift, that's on him, but he doesn't have the right to keep the rest of you from accepting. go w/o him...you wouldn't be ditching him on xmas, he'd be ditching you which is his choice. Don't make his choices negatively affect you. Your kids would truly resent it and lord it over both of you forever. I mean that. They'll be pissed at dad for being such a dick and they'd be pissed at you for being spineless and not going on the trip without douchebag dad. |
Anonymous
This. I would've had no problem with such a trip as long as BIL had mentioned it privately first to all the parents involved, but announcing such a huge idea in front of kids was manipulative. Of course, the kids will want to go and then the parents are stuck in a difficult position. It's been done, but the major issue to me is how can you prevent this from happening again? I would try to get my husband to go along this one time, while promising to tell BIL that future such trips really need to be discussed and cleared in advance, or making it clear that you view this generosity as a wonderful but one time only thing. Also, are there other family members who genuinely can't pay their own way? Maybe BIL has other motivations in announcing the trip is paid for all. Maybe BIL's public offering to take everyone allows impoverished single elderly grannie so and so to go on a nice trip she would never otherwise be able to afford. Encourage BIL and your husband to talk, with your husband making an offer to contribute to the trip in a way that he feels comfortable with (whether it's paying his own way, your family's own way, providing a special outing or whatever). This isn't just about money, but it's also about decision-making power. I'm willing to be that's why your DH is so stuck on it. |
Anonymous
You're not leaving your husband alone at Christmas, he's choosing to be alone. He's being ridiculous and his actions will have lasting reprecussions. |
Anonymous
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Convince him to go. tell him that the consequences of not going aren't good. Your kids would be upset, you also, there would be gossip in the family about dh, it will affect your marriage....
Also it's not cool that you're letting your sister go ahead with the planning, she will lose money now if you guys don't go. |
Anonymous
| Let him stay home by himself then. I've bene both poor and rich, and there is no better feeling than to be able to spend money on family and doing fun things with them. |
Anonymous
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He is being a jerk and I would leave him at home. New BIL is trying to be a gracious new member of the family and can provide a once in a life time experience for the whole family. Think of how upset your parents would be that some of their grand kids weren't there to share in this? One day they will be too old to travel, you should really go and let your husband sit and stew at home.
I would side with your DH if it were something like BIL wants to pay for your kids braces, or remodel your kitchen, or something that would imply he couldn't provide for his own family's needs. But a bonus trip to Hawaii? He needs to get over himself and not deprive you and the kids of a chance to make life time memories with family. |
Anonymous
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BIL and sister should have brought it up with the parents first before getting the kids excited. It does seem weird and slightly controlling. Not that many wouldn't want to go to Hawaii, but it puts pressure on parents to just go where BIL and sister decided the whole family should go. Personally, I'd probably ask my sister about this, something like "this is incredibly generous, but completely unexpected. how did the two of you come up with this idea? " It might give you some insights.
On the face of it, though, I think your DH is being ridiculous. I understand being jealous, but I'm not sure I've ever been jealous enough to cut off my nose to spite my face! |