Help me out with this- new Christmas dilemma

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a big family, most years all of us get together for Christmas even though we are now all scattered. It gets harder when we all got married and have kids but somehow we normally make it work. My sister remarried two years ago to by all accounts an amazing man, on top of which he is extraordinarily wealthy.

As we have all been hemming and hawing over whose house we would go to this year (brother wanted to do it but lives in Atlanta) Sister up north and other sister about 3 hours away. Parents in MD. Two nights ago we had dinner as a family to celebrate my dads birthday and my new brother in law said he had an announcement. He then invited the entire clan (all 19 of us) on a paid trip to Hawaii for Christmas. Saying that this way everyone gets a break, there are no more dilemmas, etc....and that it could be a really fun trip. He said his company had a very good year and that this is their Christmas gift to our family.

Of course the teens in the family off the bat were so excited (me too). Eventually everyone at dinner was getting excited at the prospect of this last minute but really awesome Christmas present. We take nice trips twice a year or so but I know not on the scale that he is used to traveling. HOWEVER my husband once we got home said he refused to go. He is a very proud man and said he will not go with is trip being paid for. He is the only one being a total stick in the mud and I am livid. Why cant he just go with the flow and be a good sport? So we have been arguing the last 3 days over, I can barely talk to him because I think hes being a jerk.

Am I being unreasonable? Is he? If you were me what would you seriously? My kids are upset, meanwhile they are finalizing tickets, details for the trip as we speak.I have not yet told my sister that my H is being stubborn and refusing to go. I will be seeing her today at an event and not sure if I should say anything. I would never leave my husband over Christmas but I think us not going will create a family wedge and a lot of tension. Don't know what to do.

Okay. I will just say it. Your BIL is not being "generous." He is showing off and making a power play. As a newcomer to the family it is entirely inappropriate to assert himself this way. This is just way over the top. I'm sorry. I realize I am making a harsh judgement here but i was once married to someone like this - I have an extreme opinion based on my own experience. So yes I'm projecting a little bit.

That said, if the entire family is going on the trip it totally sucks for you to miss it!! So here is the plan OP. Talk to your DH about this and have an honest discussion about the BIL. I have a feeling your DH feels threatened in some way or just finds the gift to be TOO MUCH. So what you do is AGREE with him about his feelings.
And then point out that unfortunately the family is gathering in Hawaii for Christmas so you need to coordinate your flight plans. The two of you take everyone to dinner one night. Thank BIL for the airfare
OR pay your own airfare and just quietly explain to your sister that it has to be this way. The important thing is for the family to be together for the holiday. BIL won't be insulted and if he is then too bad! He will live. You have to convince your husband that the pros outweigh the cons here because they DO. Beg, cry, negotiate - whatever it takes. It really is for the good of the family.
Please let us know the outcome!!!

[Anonymous]

I have a big family, most years all of us get together for Christmas even though we are now all scattered. It gets harder when we all got married and have kids but somehow we normally make it work. My sister remarried two years ago to by all accounts an amazing man, on top of which he is extraordinarily wealthy.

Sounds like your wealthy BIL picked the perfect gift. A holiday vacation for the whole family.

Your DH sounds insecure. Be prepared for him to be a no show at other family gatherings that also include your new BIL.

[Anonymous]

Op, there is an easy fix. Encourage your husband to do what he probably really wants to do, which is for him to have a private (private is important) discussion with BIL about this. Men understand this - many wouldn't want another man paying their way. Chances are they can reach an agreement - an amount your DH an offer and BIL should accept that would let DH be at peace with this. But this should be private between them - don't get all involved/actually better if you don't know the details. You are not to be discussing it with your family - you do and you blow the whole deal. One last thing ~ it wasn't the best form for this BIL to spring-this on everyone, getting many excited with the anticipation that this was happening - without speaking privately first to the adults involved.

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds exhausting.
Does he often have man tantrums and get his feelings hurt?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, there is an easy fix. Encourage your husband to do what he probably really wants to do, which is for him to have a private (private is important) discussion with BIL about this. Men understand this - many wouldn't want another man paying their way. Chances are they can reach an agreement - an amount your DH an offer and BIL should accept that would let DH be at peace with this. But this should be private between them - don't get all involved/actually better if you don't know the details. You are not to be discussing it with your family - you do and you blow the whole deal. One last thing ~ it wasn't the best form for this BIL to spring-this on everyone, getting many excited with the anticipation that this was happening - without speaking privately first to the adults involved.

Don't have your husband do this. He either goes or stays home.

He will look like a jealous sore loser if he broaches this. The BIL is providing a very generous family gift that all adults and children are excited about. The OP's husband will be frowned upon for making waves.

[Anonymous]

OP:

Your husband is uncomfortable accepting what he considers to be charity from someone who is basically a stranger to him.


Conversely, the new brother in law is attempting to dominate the entire family with this "gift." Gifts like this from people like that do not come without strings.

Do you see how very easily your loyalty to your own husband is so easily torn by a gift worth a few thousand or perhaps ten or fifteen thousand dollars? Maybe a bit more depending upon how many children you have.

The rich brother in law "wins" either way in the dominance war based on your reaction, whether you go or not. Either you go--accepting his charity, allowing him to dominate your husband financially--or you stay home, but grudgingly, and forever you will bring this up or hold it in your mind against your husband that he deprived you of your wonderful vacation.

What you should do is stay home this year, celebrate Christmas at your home, with your husband and family, without resentment at anyone except the new brother in law for believing he could put you at odds with your husband over his "generous gift."

[Anonymous]

[u]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a big family, most years all of us get together for Christmas even though we are now all scattered. It gets harder when we all got married and have kids but somehow we normally make it work. My sister remarried two years ago to by all accounts an amazing man, on top of which he is extraordinarily wealthy.

As we have all been hemming and hawing over whose house we would go to this year (brother wanted to do it but lives in Atlanta) Sister up north and other sister about 3 hours away. Parents in MD. Two nights ago we had dinner as a family to celebrate my dads birthday and my new brother in law said he had an announcement. He then invited the entire clan (all 19 of us) on a paid trip to Hawaii for Christmas. Saying that this way everyone gets a break, there are no more dilemmas, etc....and that it could be a really fun trip. He said his company had a very good year and that this is their Christmas gift to our family.

Of course the teens in the family off the bat were so excited (me too). Eventually everyone at dinner was getting excited at the prospect of this last minute but really awesome Christmas present. We take nice trips twice a year or so but I know not on the scale that he is used to traveling. HOWEVER my husband once we got home said he refused to go. He is a very proud man and said he will not go with is trip being paid for. He is the only one being a total stick in the mud and I am livid. Why cant he just go with the flow and be a good sport? So we have been arguing the last 3 days over, I can barely talk to him because I think hes being a jerk.

Am I being unreasonable? Is he? If you were me what would you seriously? My kids are upset, meanwhile they are finalizing tickets, details for the trip as we speak.I have not yet told my sister that my H is being stubborn and refusing to go. I will be seeing her today at an event and not sure if I should say anything. I would never leave my husband over Christmas but I think us not going will create a family wedge and a lot of tension. Don't know what to do.

Okay. I will just say it. Your BIL is not being "generous." He is showing off and making a power play. As a newcomer to the family it is entirely inappropriate to assert himself this way. This is just way over the top. I'm sorry. I realize I am making a harsh judgement here but i was once married to someone like this - I have an extreme opinion based on my own experience. So yes I'm projecting a little bit.

That said, if the entire family is going on the trip it totally sucks for you to miss it!! So here is the plan OP. Talk to your DH about this and have an honest discussion about the BIL. I have a feeling your DH feels threatened in some way or just finds the gift to be TOO MUCH. So what you do is AGREE with him about his feelings.
And then point out that unfortunately the family is gathering in Hawaii for Christmas so you need to coordinate your flight plans. The two of you take everyone to dinner one night. Thank BIL for the airfare
OR pay your own airfare and just quietly explain to your sister that it has to be this way. The important thing is for the family to be together for the holiday. BIL won't be insulted and if he is then too bad! He will live. You have to convince your husband that the pros outweigh the cons here because they DO. Beg, cry, negotiate - whatever it takes. It really is for the good of the family.
Please let us know the outcome!!!

The BIL has been around two years, not exactly a newcomer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, there is an easy fix. Encourage your husband to do what he probably really wants to do, which is for him to have a private (private is important) discussion with BIL about this. Men understand this - many wouldn't want another man paying their way. Chances are they can reach an agreement - an amount your DH an offer and BIL should accept that would let DH be at peace with this. But this should be private between them - don't get all involved/actually better if you don't know the details. You are not to be discussing it with your family - you do and you blow the whole deal. One last thing ~ it wasn't the best form for this BIL to spring-this on everyone, getting many excited with the anticipation that this was happening - without speaking privately first to the adults involved.

But OP's husband is in an impossible situation. Simply having such a conversation means he "loses" and the rich bil wins the dominance game.

The only way OP's husband wins the dominance game is for OP to say "No thanks, we've decided to stay at home for Christmas this year," but only if she can do that without carrying lifelong resentment against her husband.

Rich BIL sounds like a complete phony trying to impress everyone with his money, anyway.

[Anonymous]

OP:

Tell the rich brother in law you would never dream of consuming so much money and carbon by such a lavish trip and that although his offer is greatly appreciated, he should take the money he would have spent on your family's part of the trip and donate it to charity, perhaps Syrian refugees or something of that nature.

That's an acceptable compromise because BIL gets to "show off" what a rich, "big man" he is, yet since the charity is going to an actual charity, not your family, it won't bruise your husband's ego.

That's a win-win all the way around in my book.

Of course, OP, you don't get a free vacation, but so what? Aren't those poor Syrian refugees far more deserving of the charity than you are?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP:

Tell the rich brother in law you would never dream of consuming so much money and carbon by such a lavish trip and that although his offer is greatly appreciated, he should take the money he would have spent on your family's part of the trip and donate it to charity, perhaps Syrian refugees or something of that nature.

That's an acceptable compromise because BIL gets to "show off" what a rich, "big man" he is, yet since the charity is going to an actual charity, not your family, it won't bruise your husband's ego.

That's a win-win all the way around in my book.

Of course, OP, you don't get a free vacation, but so what? Aren't those poor Syrian refugees far more deserving of the charity than you are?

Haha haha. Thanks for the laugh PP.

[Anonymous]

Your husband refusing to pay because 'he wouldn't choose hawaii' is beyond childish. This is where the family holiday is being held. If he can afford for his ticket, he needs to pay.
If you BIL instead gifted everyones trip to Atlanta would your husband refuse to attend then? Even if he decided to pay for himself? I doubt it.
This is about your husband putting you in a terrible position by being childish. You say you would 'never' spend Christmas without him but it doesn't look like he has the same type of consideration for you. I hope you can get him around to going, but if not please don't choose to abide his inconsideration and have you and your children miss this trip. The outcome won't be good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband refusing to pay because 'he wouldn't choose hawaii' is beyond childish. This is where the family holiday is being held. If he can afford for his ticket, he needs to pay.
If you BIL instead gifted everyones trip to Atlanta would your husband refuse to attend then? Even if he decided to pay for himself? I doubt it.
This is about your husband putting you in a terrible position by being childish. You say you would 'never' spend Christmas without him but it doesn't look like he has the same type of consideration for you. I hope you can get him around to going, but if not please don't choose to abide his inconsideration and have you and your children miss this trip. The outcome won't be good.

All of this.
Husband at the very least is immature and reading between the lines I suspect abusive maybe not physically, but absolutely controlling probably prone to getting what he wants through pouting, silent treatment etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP:

Your husband is uncomfortable accepting what he considers to be charity from someone who is basically a stranger to him.


Conversely, the new brother in law is attempting to dominate the entire family with this "gift." Gifts like this from people like that do not come without strings.

Do you see how very easily your loyalty to your own husband is so easily torn by a gift worth a few thousand or perhaps ten or fifteen thousand dollars? Maybe a bit more depending upon how many children you have.

The rich brother in law "wins" either way in the dominance war based on your reaction, whether you go or not. Either you go--accepting his charity, allowing him to dominate your husband financially--or you stay home, but grudgingly, and forever you will bring this up or hold it in your mind against your husband that he deprived you of your wonderful vacation.

What you should do is stay home this year, celebrate Christmas at your home, with your husband and family, without resentment at anyone except the new brother in law for believing he could put you at odds with your husband over his "generous gift."

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, I think PP's idea of your husband having a private conversation with BIL is a good one.

The other thing that I think would work is for you to say that you and your husband could also do something nice for the whole family that they would remember while you are all in Hawaii, like (these are all things my DH and I did in Mauii) bicycle down a volcano together, go parasailing, go on a snorkeling cruise, go zip lining. Depending on how old your kids all are, that could be the real highlight of the trip.

Good luck, I feel your pain. Come back and let us know how it went!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP:

Your husband is uncomfortable accepting what he considers to be charity from someone who is basically a stranger to him.


Conversely, the new brother in law is attempting to dominate the entire family with this "gift." Gifts like this from people like that do not come without strings.

Do you see how very easily your loyalty to your own husband is so easily torn by a gift worth a few thousand or perhaps ten or fifteen thousand dollars? Maybe a bit more depending upon how many children you have.

The rich brother in law "wins" either way in the dominance war based on your reaction, whether you go or not. Either you go--accepting his charity, allowing him to dominate your husband financially--or you stay home, but grudgingly, and forever you will bring this up or hold it in your mind against your husband that he deprived you of your wonderful vacation.

What you should do is stay home this year, celebrate Christmas at your home, with your husband and family, without resentment at anyone except the new brother in law for believing he could put you at odds with your husband over his "generous gift."

+1

I really don't see it this way. This whole thing came about because the family was having trouble deciding how and where to spend Christmas together because nobody lives in the same area and the family is so scattered. This is just a really ungenerous interpretation of BIL's motives. Also, I think you would have more empathy for his gift if you were the richer person in a friend or family relationship who wanted to treat people sometimes. It is totally possible to want to treat your family or friends to something nice without meaning to lord your generosity over everyone. (And since I just spent a holiday at a beachhouse for free as a treat from my family, I have been on both ends of this and IT HAS NOT BEEN A PROBLEM from either side. You're just making it that way.)

The proper thing to do in this situation, in order to improve everyone's experience and not be a freeloader, is to pay for some experiences or meals during the trip, so you too are improving everyone's experience but you're not giving cash outright to the host. And then you are also a benefactor. It's not that hard.