Help me out with this- new Christmas dilemma

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The BIL is insecure by announcing, without thinking, this grand gesture. Of course everyone is going to want to go! How awesome is a free trip to Hawaii. But what happens when you get there?

Everyone will feel obligated to make sure BIL has a great time.
BIL will have moments where he feels that this decision was made in haste. He will second guess himself, esp. if he fees taken for granted. And he will feel that way.
No one will feel comfortable making their own decisions - the BIL will be the leader and no one knows what he has in mind and what is his idea of a good time.
DH does not like the BIL. He does not want anything from him. If this was BIL's best friend offering the trip, I am sure his reaction would be quite different.
This trip has a much bigger chance of ruining relationships rather than building them.

Personally, I would try and convince DH to go and telling him that yes, this might ed up being a nightmare trip, but it might also be a lot of fun. If it ruins the relationship with BIL, then you can pay him back and just know that the relationship was destined to be ruined at another time. If DH remains adamant about not going, then you will need to stay home. Maybe the kids can fly out for a few days if theya re old enough.

Sadly this is probably a very accurate prediction, especially about the dynamic between fam. and BIL during trip. Might be a good idea to have a quiet family meeting (or conference call) that does NOT include BIL so that everyone can discuss how to handle all of this while in Hawaii - cards on table to prevent potential fallings out among family members.

[Anonymous]

It is a very generous gift and, like any gift, it can be graciously accepted or refused. I have spent many Christmases without my parents and siblings for the sake of keeping my little nuclear family intact. You will feel left out but that is what it will take to keep YOUR family together this Christmas. Call your sister and tell her that your family will not be able to accept their offer today. It's either that or you risk your own marriage and family this Christmas. I do think that it is unfortunate that BIL decided his desire to go to Hawaii and wealth should trump a family decision-making process that has worked admirably well in the past.

[Anonymous]

What a wonderful gesture!

I think your husband is letting his man pride get in the way of graciously accepting a wonderful gift.

[Anonymous]

My father would never have accepted a gift like that and my DH probably wouldn't either. They would think this BIL of yours was a show-off that needed to buy people. You need to sit back for a moment and think about what your DH is about. Does he work hard for everything he has and carefully save for the future? The way BIL spends money reminds me of those Ponzi con men on American Greed. They have no respect for money because they didn't earn it.

[Anonymous]

Haven't read the whole thread but I think I'd leave DH at home and go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is a very generous gift and, like any gift, it can be graciously accepted or refused. I have spent many Christmases without my parents and siblings for the sake of keeping my little nuclear family intact. You will feel left out but that is what it will take to keep YOUR family together this Christmas. Call your sister and tell her that your family will not be able to accept their offer today. It's either that or you risk your own marriage and family this Christmas. I do think that it is unfortunate that BIL decided his desire to go to Hawaii and wealth should trump a family decision-making process that has worked admirably well in the past.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anyone have a tally of the votes in favor of husband vs BIL? Just curious. Seems like the jury is split. Where is the OP???? I don't know about the rest of you but I am on the edge of my seat waiting for the decision.
I'm not kidding!

[Anonymous]

There is no way I'd accept a gift like that. It's weird. It was weird for BIL to make such a huge, grand gesture and to announce it like that. I would be extremely uncomfortable and I would refuse the gift.

I vote for your DH and I think you should respect his feelings. I think your family should stay home for Christmas. Some things are more important than a free beach vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Anyone have a tally of the votes in favor of husband vs BIL? Just curious. Seems like the jury is split. Where is the OP???? I don't know about the rest of you but I am on the edge of my seat waiting for the decision.
I'm not kidding!

Vote tallies don't matter. As always, you do what's right in your situation taking into account the values and personalities of all parties. I hate when people use this forum as a voting mechanism for big decisions. Real life does not take place on the internet. This is for entertainment only...IMHO

[Anonymous]

Re-reading the original post. it almost sounds like the BIL just came up with the idea as the group was trying to figure out Christmas plans.

How did his wife eact to the announcement, especially if it was something that was not discussed ahead of time.

Maybe the BIL was getting caught up with the excitement of Christmas and genuinely wants his family to go on a trip together.

I would want to know specifically why the DH does not want to go - did BIL rub him the wrong way? It isn't clear if the BIL is showing off or just excited about the trip.

If BIL told everyone that he can get a great deal on this trip, say 80% off list price, and everyone pays their way, would that change DH's mind. This would provide insight as to what the real issue is.

I have a family member who is loaded and invited everyone to an extravagant event. He is generous by nature and doesn't flaunt his wealth. I still felt strange going and I couldn't shake the feeling that I "owed" him something. This was a few years ago and nothing ever changed with our relationship. We had a great time and it was obvious that he just enjoyed sharing the wealth. It would be a whole other story if the person kept bragging about how great and generous he is.

[Anonymous]

How long is the trip? The kids might be off of school but the adults all have to make it work with their work, ILs and other social engagements. Seems that more details should have been hammered out at the get-together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Anyone have a tally of the votes in favor of husband vs BIL? Just curious. Seems like the jury is split. Where is the OP???? I don't know about the rest of you but I am on the edge of my seat waiting for the decision.
I'm not kidding!

Vote tallies don't matter. As always, you do what's right in your situation taking into account the values and personalities of all parties. I hate when people use this forum as a voting mechanism for big decisions. Real life does not take place on the internet. This is for entertainment only...IMHO

For quality of entertainment purposes please don't lecture.

[Anonymous]

Depends on how he is in general.

I have a wealthy family member who makes grand gestures like that. He truly just wants everyone to be happy. He is humble about his offers expects absolutely nothing in return.

I have a wealthy friend. I won't even let her pick up the tab for lunch because I feel like she is keeping score and expects favors and things in return.

If bil has good intentions, then take him up on the offer, buy him some drinks or a meal, write a nice thank you note, and enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on how he is in general.

I have a wealthy family member who makes grand gestures like that. He truly just wants everyone to be happy. He is humble about his offers expects absolutely nothing in return.

I have a wealthy friend. I won't even let her pick up the tab for lunch because I feel like she is keeping score and expects favors and things in return.

If bil has good intentions, then take him up on the offer, buy him some drinks or a meal, write a nice thank you note, and enjoy.

This. I think the people that are opposed to the BIL and this trip are assuming the motivations are something like the wealthy friend desribed above, instead of the nice (but coincidentally wealthy) family member also described above.
There is nothing in the OP's post to suggest it was anything other than BIL offering a fun opportunity for the family to all get together (as they do every year) but this time at a fun destination.

[Anonymous]

Hey everyone, its the OP. I have been working but couldn't wait to come to DC and see what everyone had to say and wow what a response! I managed to get through all of them and just a few fast facts that I feel are important to establish-

My "newish" BIL is actually a really nice man, great guy. We all love him yes even my husband, he is not a fly by nighter but runs an old established business started by his grandfather, he just happened to turn it into something much bigger that went public. He is VERY VERY wealthy. He is not a showy guy which sounds ironic given his grand gesture...it really was done in the nicest most giving way possible. He is literally like a roly poly teddy bear Not super roly poly but a little haha


We as a family were at odds about where to go and he wanted everyone to be happy. My other sister who has done it the last 2 years was complaining that its too much work for her now that she went back to work.

He was genuinely doing this out of the goodness of his heart and for those who thought he should have spoken to the adults first...hes a bit of a kid at heart and was as excited about telling the adults as he was the kids in the family.


To someone who thought my husbands refusal to go because maybe hes overweight, its the opposite, he is the most fit one out of all 19 of us he is obsessed with fitness and a little OCD as you probably gathered. He is a marathon runner so he has every reason to want to flaunt his hard work in a bathing suit! That same OCD and stubborn streak are what is making him so difficult.

He feels funny about accepting such a generous gift. My estimation is this trip will coat approx. 100,000 but honestly to my BIL its like 10,000 to us. Iam just trying to explain how things are.....

Spoke to my husband, gave him some of the ideas here, thank you very much! I spoke to my sister toady about paying for our airfare and she said they would be insulted if we wanted to do that, that this is a gift that they want to give the family as a specila memory of us all togehter. With my parents both around 80, there will not be many lengthy trips like this in their future.

My husband is thinking about the idea of us treating the clan to a luau and for hiring a photographer to take a family picture at the beach. We cannot afford a 100,00 vacation but we can afford to plunk down a few thousand for things like this.

Ironically it was my kids who really I think are winning him over to the idea...they are set on going. They are so excited plus they will be with their cousins, some of who they don't see often. Everyone is "in" so at this point I am crossing my fingers that my H will take it for what it is, a super generous gift that will provide a very special memory for our entire family mostly my parents.

So thats the latest. Hopefully next time I come here with an update its to tell you that I am going bathing suit shopping much as I hate it