Help me out with this- new Christmas dilemma

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Typically, extraordinarily wealthy people are very cautious about such ostentatious displays of generosity. Besides, the BIL said he wanted to pay for the trip because he had a very good year in his business (which hasn't been defined by OP yet). There is something "off" about this guy.

I'm sure the BIL is wealthy all the time. Saying 'I had a good year' is an attempt to politely address any queries about whether or how he can afford it before they come up.

[Anonymous]

Talk to him and see if he is up for hosting some meals/activities while there. Everything in Hawaii is expensive. You guys can arrange for a day (or a few days) of activities/meals for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with a PP who said its a showy overindulgent act that is inappropriate.

If the BIL wanted to do this, instead of a grand announcement at a gathering of everyone, he should have made a couple phones calls and asked if anyone would be up for a trip to Hawaii and that he wanted to treat.
Then a discussion would have been has where the husband could have negotiated "ok you pay hotel, I get airfare."

This BIL's assumption that no one could afford or wanted to afford this is bizarre.
Your husband probably doesn't want to hear everyone thanking this guy up and down every day and have him yelling "shots on me" across a bar as he makes it rain.
I'm totally with your husband on this.
I can pay for my own family, thank you very much.

But when you give someone a gift are you saying that person can't afford the gift on his own?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to him and see if he is up for hosting some meals/activities while there. Everything in Hawaii is expensive. You guys can arrange for a day (or a few days) of activities/meals for everyone.

Perhaps the OP and her husband can't afford to foot the bill for 20+ relatives.

[Anonymous]

OP I realize it's only been a few hours since you posted but please update us when you have one!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with a PP who said its a showy overindulgent act that is inappropriate.

If the BIL wanted to do this, instead of a grand announcement at a gathering of everyone, he should have made a couple phones calls and asked if anyone would be up for a trip to Hawaii and that he wanted to treat.
Then a discussion would have been has where the husband could have negotiated "ok you pay hotel, I get airfare."

This BIL's assumption that no one could afford or wanted to afford this is bizarre.
Your husband probably doesn't want to hear everyone thanking this guy up and down every day and have him yelling "shots on me" across a bar as he makes it rain.
I'm totally with your husband on this.
I can pay for my own family, thank you very much.

But when you give someone a gift are you saying that person can't afford the gift on his own?

Exactly PP. Only people with some sort of chip on their shoulder would leap to that conclusion.

[Anonymous]

BIL's big announcement is tacky and skins like he's trying to win approval very quickly. I would be wary of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would've uncomfortable also. It's too big a present.

+1
I would go but insist on paying. Especially for a new brother in law that was my sisters 2nd husband. Grandparents gift? Fine. But not someone that was my peer and making a show out of it. If he had subtly offered to pay for all the hotel rooms or something and it wasn't a grand announcement, maybe.
I don't think your husband is crazy at all.

How is the fact that OP'S brother-in-law is her sister's 2nd husband at all relevant?

Pp here.
I think it's relevant because the OP said they had only been married two years and is therefore a "newer" member of the family and OP's husband does not have a long history with him to build familiarity and comfort. Which would be two things that may make it more comfortable to take such a large gift.
I also think it's a different case than, say, my BIL who has been a part of our family for 20 years and is close to us, and has been part of 20 years of give and take (such as help when he had surgery, help when the kids were little with babysitting, things like that).

So the fact that he is her new BIL is relevant. The fact that he is her sister's 2nd husband? Not so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BIL's big announcement is tacky and skins like he's trying to win approval very quickly. I would be wary of him.

I would keep an eye on him through my Mai tai.

Well, you probably don't need to hear this, OP, but a Hawaiian Christmas is tons of fun! My family and I will be there for the holiday, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with a PP who said its a showy overindulgent act that is inappropriate.

If the BIL wanted to do this, instead of a grand announcement at a gathering of everyone, he should have made a couple phones calls and asked if anyone would be up for a trip to Hawaii and that he wanted to treat.
Then a discussion would have been has where the husband could have negotiated "ok you pay hotel, I get airfare."

This BIL's assumption that no one could afford or wanted to afford this is bizarre.
Your husband probably doesn't want to hear everyone thanking this guy up and down every day and have him yelling "shots on me" across a bar as he makes it rain.
I'm totally with your husband on this.
I can pay for my own family, thank you very much.

But when you give someone a gift are you saying that person can't afford the gift on his own?

Exactly PP. Only people with some sort of chip on their shoulder would leap to that conclusion.

No that is not the point. The showy indulgent gift is NOT ABOUT THE RECIPIENT AT ALL. It is all about the rich BIL. He is showing off AND taking charge of the family with his money. It is NOT appropriate and would make many people feel uncomfortable. But I would go on the trip anyway though - who the heck would turn down a free trip to Hawaii???

[Anonymous]

Nothing in life is "free" especially "gifts" like this one.

This so-called "gift" has already caused MAJOR problems in OP's marriage--regardless of whether or not she browbeats her husband into accepting it or he browbeats her into not going on the trip.

OP's greed and desire for "something for nothing" has blinded her to the actual cost of this "gift."

No one in the family had any desire to go to Hawaii for Christmas--it wasn't even on the radar--until rich BIL made his offer. So it's an entirely manufactured "want." Now, because the carrot was dangled, it's become a need worth sacrificing OP's marital stability for.

[Anonymous]

If the entire family is going, your husband is going to have some tough decisions. He has a few options: pay for your own family, host a dinner or activity so he can prove his manhood to your entire family, don't go and have a very unhappy wife and kids.

I'm interested to see what your husband will choose. I don't know your BIL's motives, but your husband definitely seems like an insecure ahole unfortunately.

I'm not really understanding why you don't just pay for your own family. If your BIL is even slightly normal he will understand and not be insulted. Though, if your husband is going to spend the whole time reminding everyone that he paid for your own family, he's going to seem like an ahole to everybody else.

[Anonymous]

OP, does your DH refuse to pay for things when he has a guest who can't? Does he insist of splitting checks at restaurants?

I'm wondering if this is a question of his not wanting to feel beholden to anyone, or if he just thinks everyone needs to get along independently, so he doesn't seem why your BIL would pay for other people.

[Anonymous]

The BIL is insecure by announcing, without thinking, this grand gesture. Of course everyone is going to want to go! How awesome is a free trip to Hawaii. But what happens when you get there?

Everyone will feel obligated to make sure BIL has a great time.
BIL will have moments where he feels that this decision was made in haste. He will second guess himself, esp. if he fees taken for granted. And he will feel that way.
No one will feel comfortable making their own decisions - the BIL will be the leader and no one knows what he has in mind and what is his idea of a good time.
DH does not like the BIL. He does not want anything from him. If this was BIL's best friend offering the trip, I am sure his reaction would be quite different.
This trip has a much bigger chance of ruining relationships rather than building them.

Personally, I would try and convince DH to go and telling him that yes, this might ed up being a nightmare trip, but it might also be a lot of fun. If it ruins the relationship with BIL, then you can pay him back and just know that the relationship was destined to be ruined at another time. If DH remains adamant about not going, then you will need to stay home. Maybe the kids can fly out for a few days if theya re old enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with a PP who said its a showy overindulgent act that is inappropriate.

If the BIL wanted to do this, instead of a grand announcement at a gathering of everyone, he should have made a couple phones calls and asked if anyone would be up for a trip to Hawaii and that he wanted to treat.
Then a discussion would have been has where the husband could have negotiated "ok you pay hotel, I get airfare."

This BIL's assumption that no one could afford or wanted to afford this is bizarre.
Your husband probably doesn't want to hear everyone thanking this guy up and down every day and have him yelling "shots on me" across a bar as he makes it rain.
I'm totally with your husband on this.
I can pay for my own family, thank you very much.

+1

The theater of announcing the trip to the group unfairly sets up anyone who doesn't feel comfortable going (for whatever reason: money, vacation time, desire to stay closer to home, bathing suit-phobia, whatever) as a grinch. Not cool.