Help me out with this- new Christmas dilemma

[Anonymous]

Maybe your husband doesn't want to be away from his sidepiece that long over the holidays.

Or he has some issues to work out regarding his status in the male hierarchy. The two men should privately talk and swordfight it out.

You and the kids go no matter what. You shouldn't have to suffer because your husband has a complex.

[Anonymous]

I''ll go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your husband doesn't want to be away from his sidepiece that long over the holidays.

Or he has some issues to work out regarding his status in the male hierarchy. The two men should privately talk and swordfight it out.

You and the kids go no matter what. You shouldn't have to suffer because your husband has a complex.

Oooh that't the holiday spirit an old fashioned duel. They could use gloves and everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I''ll go.

Me too. I wish someoene in my family married rich and that person wanted to take us on a family trip someplace awesome. I don't even care if it was a power play. You can only be as controlled as you let yourself be, and money is not the only way you can control people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would've uncomfortable also. It's too big a present.

+1
I would go but insist on paying. Especially for a new brother in law that was my sisters 2nd husband. Grandparents gift? Fine. But not someone that was my peer and making a show out of it. If he had subtly offered to pay for all the hotel rooms or something and it wasn't a grand announcement, maybe.
I don't think your husband is crazy at all.

How is the fact that OP'S brother-in-law is her sister's 2nd husband at all relevant?

Pp here.
I think it's relevant because the OP said they had only been married two years and is therefore a "newer" member of the family and OP's husband does not have a long history with him to build familiarity and comfort. Which would be two things that may make it more comfortable to take such a large gift.
I also think it's a different case than, say, my BIL who has been a part of our family for 20 years and is close to us, and has been part of 20 years of give and take (such as help when he had surgery, help when the kids were little with babysitting, things like that).

[Anonymous]

I agree with a PP who said its a showy overindulgent act that is inappropriate.

If the BIL wanted to do this, instead of a grand announcement at a gathering of everyone, he should have made a couple phones calls and asked if anyone would be up for a trip to Hawaii and that he wanted to treat.
Then a discussion would have been has where the husband could have negotiated "ok you pay hotel, I get airfare."

This BIL's assumption that no one could afford or wanted to afford this is bizarre.
Your husband probably doesn't want to hear everyone thanking this guy up and down every day and have him yelling "shots on me" across a bar as he makes it rain.
I'm totally with your husband on this.
I can pay for my own family, thank you very much.

[Anonymous]

Wait, I just thought of something. OP, by any chance is your husband overweight or self-conscious about his weight, so a big Hawaii with the family will mean him appearing half naked in front of everyone which he totally hates doing? Like, is THAT why he wouldn't ever have chosen Hawaii if he had had the opportunity? In that case I could sort of see where your husband is coming from and have some sympathy for him. That might make such a trip pretty uncomfortable for him, given the double whammy of the trip being purchased for him and also feeling really fat in front of everyone during a celebratory time of year when people are usually in protective layers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your husband doesn't want to be away from his sidepiece that long over the holidays.

Or he has some issues to work out regarding his status in the male hierarchy. The two men should privately talk and swordfight it out.

You and the kids go no matter what. You shouldn't have to suffer because your husband has a complex.

Oooh that't the holiday spirit an old fashioned duel. They could use gloves and everything.

I don't think pp meant actual swords

[Anonymous]

Scam alert. New BIL is some kind of scam artist making a big show of his success and generosity. Either the whole thing will mysteriously fall through at the last minute, and BIL will be full of excuses; or when everyone gets to Hawaii, BIL will start trying to get the other family members to participate in some crazy investment scheme or loan him money or something.

Rich people don't randomly spend money like that out of the blue because their company had a good year. (What does that even mean? What does this guy actually do for a living?)

The Hawaii trip is the "bait."

Realistically, how does BIL even know which of the 19 family members would even be available for such a trip at what is basically the last minute?

Is BIL actually purchasing the plane tickets and accommodations UPFRONT or is he telling everyone to go ahead and charge it on their own credit cards and he will reimburse sometime in the future?

If he is promising reimbursement then it's probably a scam. You all will lay out the funds for the trip, he will be the big man in Hawaii, but then next month when the credit card bills come due he will be "Sorry that big year end bonus didn't come through like I thought. Buy hey you had a great trip right?"

I don't believe BIL is laying out the money UPFRONT. That would be like 50 - 100,000 for 19 people for airfares and accommodations.

Only a true sucker with stars in their eyes would believe it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your husband doesn't want to be away from his sidepiece that long over the holidays.

Or he has some issues to work out regarding his status in the male hierarchy. The two men should privately talk and swordfight it out.

You and the kids go no matter what. You shouldn't have to suffer because your husband has a complex.

Oooh that't the holiday spirit an old fashioned duel. They could use gloves and everything.

I don't think pp meant actual swords

I know. I was just being silly Though an actual sword fight would be entertaining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him to pay his own way and you accept the generous gift for yourself and kids. He can reimburse your BIL. He's being ridiculous.

THIS!!

[Anonymous]

I heard this as I was ferrying kids around this evening and thought of OP's husband:

http://www.wnyc.org/story/science-gratitude/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Scam alert. New BIL is some kind of scam artist making a big show of his success and generosity. Either the whole thing will mysteriously fall through at the last minute, and BIL will be full of excuses; or when everyone gets to Hawaii, BIL will start trying to get the other family members to participate in some crazy investment scheme or loan him money or something.

Rich people don't randomly spend money like that out of the blue because their company had a good year. (What does that even mean? What does this guy actually do for a living?)

The Hawaii trip is the "bait."

Realistically, how does BIL even know which of the 19 family members would even be available for such a trip at what is basically the last minute?

Is BIL actually purchasing the plane tickets and accommodations UPFRONT or is he telling everyone to go ahead and charge it on their own credit cards and he will reimburse sometime in the future?

If he is promising reimbursement then it's probably a scam. You all will lay out the funds for the trip, he will be the big man in Hawaii, but then next month when the credit card bills come due he will be "Sorry that big year end bonus didn't come through like I thought. Buy hey you had a great trip right?"

I don't believe BIL is laying out the money UPFRONT. That would be like 50 - 100,000 for 19 people for airfares and accommodations.

Only a true sucker with stars in their eyes would believe it.

The OP said that her BIL is extraordinarily wealthy. He can afford it.

[Anonymous]

Typically, extraordinarily wealthy people are very cautious about such ostentatious displays of generosity. Besides, the BIL said he wanted to pay for the trip because he had a very good year in his business (which hasn't been defined by OP yet). There is something "off" about this guy.

[Anonymous]

Tell him what his options are:

1. Go with everyone.

2. Stay home by himself.

3. Go with everyone and treat everybody to a special day out, night out, something!

Remind your husband that this will be NOT be a yearly thing, but that your new BIL is making a gracious gesture to be accepted into the family, that it should be taken as such, and that it would be churlish to refuse. That in the improbable event he repeats the invite for next year, you can all refuse graciously. But not this first time. All this is per etiquette. Your husband doesn't want to fly in the face of etiquette, now, does he?