How to handle separation from a man I’m attached to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m separated from DH of 20+ years and 2 months ago started dating a man. I’m surprised that my nervous system or attachment system react to a boyfriend in exactly the same way as when I was a teenager or in my early 20s. When I start seeing someone I really like, I attach to him so quickly and want to be with him all the time. If I don’t see him for two days, I feel that he doesn’t want me as much as I want him, and I start to shut down emotionally and start looking around for a better fit or for someone who wants me more.

With my current boyfriend, we spent a half of last Saturday together, then I came back on Sunday afternoon and stayed until Monday evening (we both work from home). Then he invited me to come on Thursday evening and work together on Friday again but in the afternoon said that he’s not feeling well and “maybe let’s get together tomorrow”. In the meantime, another man is pursuing me and texted me today. My mind attempts to shut down all the feelings for my boyfriend because I’m hurt that he canceled our plans and I feel like he doesn’t want me that much and that maybe I should go out with another man who wants me more.

When we are together, everything is great, but I just can’t handle the separation. It’s very painful for the first two days and on day 3 I have a strong desire to meet with someone else who presumably wants me more than my boyfriend, and on day 4 I normally meet with my boyfriend, we spend a couple of very happy days together, and then the cycle repeats.

What’s going on with me and what is a normal space between the dates with a boyfriend of 2 months? We live 25 minutes away from each other.

Are you shaboinking any of these men?

I’m exclusive with my boyfriend, and it’s really good and multiple times a day when we are together.

You and I have different definitions of exclusive.

[Anonymous]

You're suffocating the boyfriend. Just know that.

Also, be careful as you're committing adultery. In Virginia, that could come back to bite you in the ass in the financial settlement with your STBX if he finds out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You need therapy.

Did you come from a broken home?
Also, what's the hold up with the divorce? I'd address both of those before dating.

My parents had been married for more than 50 years until one of them passed away, so no.
I moved to a different city and live by myself, and in VA we need to live separately for 6 months before filing for a divorce, and it’s convenient to stay on his medical insurance. We have good friendly relationship, no rush.

What do you think is unreasonable in my behavior that I need therapy? Should I just always be at man’s mercy as to when to see each other, if I do want to see them nearly daily but most men probably don’t want to date daily?

[Anonymous]

Oh boy, crying during a few days of separation isn’t healthy, obviously and it’s important you dig deep into the root cause, because it’s obviously more about you (and likely something historic, from childhood) than it is about your boyfriend.

You must not make any of these feelings your boyfriend’s responsibility, btw - telling him you don’t handle separation well in an effort to spend more time together isn’t fair to him. Your “anxious attachment” is YOUR responsibility to manage. It’s obvious you should be in therapy - otherwise you’ll never know if your feelings are rooted in reality or insecurity, and you and your boyfriend will both be miserable. You’ll also burn the relationship to the ground. It’s not fair to him, and it’s especially not fair to yourself.

Heck, if this anxiety was powerful enough to lead you into a loveless marriage then you need to address it before entering a serious relationship - or at least do some work on yourself. It’s very all-or-nothing, and that’s no way to live. Get some help and start focusing on yourself - look inward instead of toward your boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You need therapy.

Did you come from a broken home?
Also, what's the hold up with the divorce? I'd address both of those before dating.

My parents had been married for more than 50 years until one of them passed away, so no.
I moved to a different city and live by myself, and in VA we need to live separately for 6 months before filing for a divorce, and it’s convenient to stay on his medical insurance. We have good friendly relationship, no rush.

What do you think is unreasonable in my behavior that I need therapy? Should I just always be at man’s mercy as to when to see each other, if I do want to see them nearly daily but most men probably don’t want to date daily?

That’s a reasonable expectation but not after only two months! Give it time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m separated from DH of 20+ years and 2 months ago started dating a man. I’m surprised that my nervous system or attachment system react to a boyfriend in exactly the same way as when I was a teenager or in my early 20s. When I start seeing someone I really like, I attach to him so quickly and want to be with him all the time. If I don’t see him for two days, I feel that he doesn’t want me as much as I want him, and I start to shut down emotionally and start looking around for a better fit or for someone who wants me more.

With my current boyfriend, we spent a half of last Saturday together, then I came back on Sunday afternoon and stayed until Monday evening (we both work from home). Then he invited me to come on Thursday evening and work together on Friday again but in the afternoon said that he’s not feeling well and “maybe let’s get together tomorrow”. In the meantime, another man is pursuing me and texted me today. My mind attempts to shut down all the feelings for my boyfriend because I’m hurt that he canceled our plans and I feel like he doesn’t want me that much and that maybe I should go out with another man who wants me more.

When we are together, everything is great, but I just can’t handle the separation. It’s very painful for the first two days and on day 3 I have a strong desire to meet with someone else who presumably wants me more than my boyfriend, and on day 4 I normally meet with my boyfriend, we spend a couple of very happy days together, and then the cycle repeats.

What’s going on with me and what is a normal space between the dates with a boyfriend of 2 months? We live 25 minutes away from each other.

Are you shaboinking any of these men?

I’m exclusive with my boyfriend, and it’s really good and multiple times a day when we are together.

You're exclusive snd obsessively attatched with your boyfriend but texting someone else?

Girl...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're suffocating the boyfriend. Just know that.

Also, be careful as you're committing adultery. In Virginia, that could come back to bite you in the ass in the financial settlement with your STBX if he finds out.

I’m trying not to suffocate him - that’s why I even met with another man as a distraction. When he told me yesterday that he wasn’t feeling well, took a nap and is going to bed after dinner again and “maybe let’s get together tomorrow”, I said: “Hope you feel well tomorrow” with a kissing emoji and didn’t share anything else that I’m sharing here.

[Anonymous]

The fact that you posted what you did and then came back like “what’s unreasonable about it? Why do I need therapy?” has me wondering if this is for real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're suffocating the boyfriend. Just know that.

Also, be careful as you're committing adultery. In Virginia, that could come back to bite you in the ass in the financial settlement with your STBX if he finds out.

I’m trying not to suffocate him - that’s why I even met with another man as a distraction. When he told me yesterday that he wasn’t feeling well, took a nap and is going to bed after dinner again and “maybe let’s get together tomorrow”, I said: “Hope you feel well tomorrow” with a kissing emoji and didn’t share anything else that I’m sharing here.

Oh no, you realize that's worse, right?

He said he was sick so you met up with another guy? And you say he's your boyfriend and you're exclusive.

I mean it comes across as punitive behavior. Not good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m separated from DH of 20+ years and 2 months ago started dating a man. I’m surprised that my nervous system or attachment system react to a boyfriend in exactly the same way as when I was a teenager or in my early 20s. When I start seeing someone I really like, I attach to him so quickly and want to be with him all the time. If I don’t see him for two days, I feel that he doesn’t want me as much as I want him, and I start to shut down emotionally and start looking around for a better fit or for someone who wants me more.

With my current boyfriend, we spent a half of last Saturday together, then I came back on Sunday afternoon and stayed until Monday evening (we both work from home). Then he invited me to come on Thursday evening and work together on Friday again but in the afternoon said that he’s not feeling well and “maybe let’s get together tomorrow”. In the meantime, another man is pursuing me and texted me today. My mind attempts to shut down all the feelings for my boyfriend because I’m hurt that he canceled our plans and I feel like he doesn’t want me that much and that maybe I should go out with another man who wants me more.

When we are together, everything is great, but I just can’t handle the separation. It’s very painful for the first two days and on day 3 I have a strong desire to meet with someone else who presumably wants me more than my boyfriend, and on day 4 I normally meet with my boyfriend, we spend a couple of very happy days together, and then the cycle repeats.

What’s going on with me and what is a normal space between the dates with a boyfriend of 2 months? We live 25 minutes away from each other.

Are you shaboinking any of these men?

I’m exclusive with my boyfriend, and it’s really good and multiple times a day when we are together.

You're exclusive snd obsessively attatched with your boyfriend but texting someone else?

Girl...

And also married to another man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you posted what you did and then came back like “what’s unreasonable about it? Why do I need therapy?” has me wondering if this is for real.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you posted what you did and then came back like “what’s unreasonable about it? Why do I need therapy?” has me wondering if this is for real.

True, this could be someone's boredom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh boy, crying during a few days of separation isn’t healthy, obviously and it’s important you dig deep into the root cause, because it’s obviously more about you (and likely something historic, from childhood) than it is about your boyfriend.

You must not make any of these feelings your boyfriend’s responsibility, btw - telling him you don’t handle separation well in an effort to spend more time together isn’t fair to him. Your “anxious attachment” is YOUR responsibility to manage. It’s obvious you should be in therapy - otherwise you’ll never know if your feelings are rooted in reality or insecurity, and you and your boyfriend will both be miserable. You’ll also burn the relationship to the ground. It’s not fair to him, and it’s especially not fair to yourself.

Heck, if this anxiety was powerful enough to lead you into a loveless marriage then you need to address it before entering a serious relationship - or at least do some work on yourself. It’s very all-or-nothing, and that’s no way to live. Get some help and start focusing on yourself - look inward instead of toward your boyfriend.

Thank you for taking time to write this. When I spoke with him, I told him that I’d prefer to know in advance when I’ll see him next time and even asked if he wants us to see each other only over the weekends. I didn’t tell him that I need to see him daily. He doesn’t have any specific schedule in mind and just invited me to come over next day, and we left it at that. I think I’d do much better in a relationship if we schedule our next date in advance, and I know when I’ll see him again. He is just more spontaneous I guess, although he made some specific plans for our trip in a week from now and in May and even mentioned where he wants to go with me in July 2027.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're suffocating the boyfriend. Just know that.

Also, be careful as you're committing adultery. In Virginia, that could come back to bite you in the ass in the financial settlement with your STBX if he finds out.

I’m trying not to suffocate him - that’s why I even met with another man as a distraction. When he told me yesterday that he wasn’t feeling well, took a nap and is going to bed after dinner again and “maybe let’s get together tomorrow”, I said: “Hope you feel well tomorrow” with a kissing emoji and didn’t share anything else that I’m sharing here.

Oh no, you realize that's worse, right?

He said he was sick so you met up with another guy? And you say he's your boyfriend and you're exclusive.

I mean it comes across as punitive behavior. Not good.

I haven’t seen another guy for 2 weeks, he texted me yesterday but I don’t want to meet with him now. I want to give my relationship with my boyfriend a better chance to develop into something meaningful, if possible.

To the other posters, this is all real. I only wanted to know the specifics as to what you think I should address in therapy. I’m not sure if this is anxiety because I don’t worry that he is seeing someone else in the meantime, I just physically miss him a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're suffocating the boyfriend. Just know that.

Also, be careful as you're committing adultery. In Virginia, that could come back to bite you in the ass in the financial settlement with your STBX if he finds out.

I’m trying not to suffocate him - that’s why I even met with another man as a distraction. When he told me yesterday that he wasn’t feeling well, took a nap and is going to bed after dinner again and “maybe let’s get together tomorrow”, I said: “Hope you feel well tomorrow” with a kissing emoji and didn’t share anything else that I’m sharing here.

Oh no, you realize that's worse, right?

He said he was sick so you met up with another guy? And you say he's your boyfriend and you're exclusive.

I mean it comes across as punitive behavior. Not good.

I haven’t seen another guy for 2 weeks, he texted me yesterday but I don’t want to meet with him now. I want to give my relationship with my boyfriend a better chance to develop into something meaningful, if possible.

To the other posters, this is all real. I only wanted to know the specifics as to what you think I should address in therapy. I’m not sure if this is anxiety because I don’t worry that he is seeing someone else in the meantime, I just physically miss him a lot.

The fact that your coping with being alone involves other men is just not good. You actually want a relationship? Distracting with potential interests is just about the worst thing you can do. How.wpuld you feel if you found out he had done the same thing?