How to handle separation from a man I’m attached to?

[Anonymous]

I’m separated from DH of 20+ years and 2 months ago started dating a man. I’m surprised that my nervous system or attachment system react to a boyfriend in exactly the same way as when I was a teenager or in my early 20s. When I start seeing someone I really like, I attach to him so quickly and want to be with him all the time. If I don’t see him for two days, I feel that he doesn’t want me as much as I want him, and I start to shut down emotionally and start looking around for a better fit or for someone who wants me more.

With my current boyfriend, we spent a half of last Saturday together, then I came back on Sunday afternoon and stayed until Monday evening (we both work from home). Then he invited me to come on Thursday evening and work together on Friday again but in the afternoon said that he’s not feeling well and “maybe let’s get together tomorrow”. In the meantime, another man is pursuing me and texted me today. My mind attempts to shut down all the feelings for my boyfriend because I’m hurt that he canceled our plans and I feel like he doesn’t want me that much and that maybe I should go out with another man who wants me more.

When we are together, everything is great, but I just can’t handle the separation. It’s very painful for the first two days and on day 3 I have a strong desire to meet with someone else who presumably wants me more than my boyfriend, and on day 4 I normally meet with my boyfriend, we spend a couple of very happy days together, and then the cycle repeats.

What’s going on with me and what is a normal space between the dates with a boyfriend of 2 months? We live 25 minutes away from each other.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to learn to enjoy being by and with yourself. And stop seeing any little disruption of plans as a personal affront. Heck, use that time to work on yourself and figuring out why you feel that way.

[Anonymous]

I tend to get attached quickly as well & I hate that I get this way early on!

I personally feel that if a man truly likes you - - even if he doesn’t feel “well,” then unlike us women he will have no qualms about getting together w/you.
Women, on the other hand tend to prefer to be alone when they do not feel well but men are much different creatures!

Lol. 😝

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tend to get attached quickly as well & I hate that I get this way early on!

I personally feel that if a man truly likes you - - even if he doesn’t feel “well,” then unlike us women he will have no qualms about getting together w/you.
Women, on the other hand tend to prefer to be alone when they do not feel well but men are much different creatures!

Lol. 😝

That's weird.

[Anonymous]

Trust yourself and find someone who matches your natural rhythm. A huge brightside to divorce and dating is that you no longer need to tolerate anything.

Doesn’t want to see you enough? Okay. Next!

[Anonymous]

Have you told him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to learn to enjoy being by and with yourself. And stop seeing any little disruption of plans as a personal affront. Heck, use that time to work on yourself and figuring out why you feel that way.

OP here. I think it’s because my bonding hormones increase so much when we are together that it’s really hard to go through a drop for the next few days. It’s biological. A painful withdrawal stage always makes me think that if love comes with so much pain, I don’t need love in my life. Based on this, I made a decision to marry DH many years ago. I didn’t love him, and there were no meaningful changes in my hormonal levels - not much pleasure, but no pain either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to learn to enjoy being by and with yourself. And stop seeing any little disruption of plans as a personal affront. Heck, use that time to work on yourself and figuring out why you feel that way.

OP here. I think it’s because my bonding hormones increase so much when we are together that it’s really hard to go through a drop for the next few days. It’s biological. A painful withdrawal stage always makes me think that if love comes with so much pain, I don’t need love in my life. Based on this, I made a decision to marry DH many years ago. I didn’t love him, and there were no meaningful changes in my hormonal levels - not much pleasure, but no pain either.

Grow up and control your “hormones.” You’re not a feral cat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you told him?

Well, at first I wasn’t sure what’s happening, how often he wants us to see each other, and didn’t want to appear needy. I ended up seeing another man 3 times in between my dates with the boyfriend. The first two were very innocent - met for breakfast at a busy place and went to a movie in the evening. The 3rd one was at a bar concert with a group of friends, and when he walked me back to my car, he kissed me very passionately and made me realize how much I prefer my boyfriend to any other man at this moment.

On week 4 during the withdrawal stage (last week) I cried for several hours and couldn’t work and took a walk with a friend and then spoke with my boyfriend over the phone in the evening. I obviously don’t want to tell him about another man but told him that I don’t handle separation well and he said: “Come over tomorrow, we’ll work together”. Then since last Thursday to Monday we saw each other daily and it felt good, but this week I haven’t seen him since Monday.

[Anonymous]

Oh good lord.

Have you given your novel a title yet, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m separated from DH of 20+ years and 2 months ago started dating a man. I’m surprised that my nervous system or attachment system react to a boyfriend in exactly the same way as when I was a teenager or in my early 20s. When I start seeing someone I really like, I attach to him so quickly and want to be with him all the time. If I don’t see him for two days, I feel that he doesn’t want me as much as I want him, and I start to shut down emotionally and start looking around for a better fit or for someone who wants me more.

With my current boyfriend, we spent a half of last Saturday together, then I came back on Sunday afternoon and stayed until Monday evening (we both work from home). Then he invited me to come on Thursday evening and work together on Friday again but in the afternoon said that he’s not feeling well and “maybe let’s get together tomorrow”. In the meantime, another man is pursuing me and texted me today. My mind attempts to shut down all the feelings for my boyfriend because I’m hurt that he canceled our plans and I feel like he doesn’t want me that much and that maybe I should go out with another man who wants me more.

When we are together, everything is great, but I just can’t handle the separation. It’s very painful for the first two days and on day 3 I have a strong desire to meet with someone else who presumably wants me more than my boyfriend, and on day 4 I normally meet with my boyfriend, we spend a couple of very happy days together, and then the cycle repeats.

What’s going on with me and what is a normal space between the dates with a boyfriend of 2 months? We live 25 minutes away from each other.

Are you shaboinking any of these men?

[Anonymous]

Wait until you discover first man is out with other women on these days he doesn't want to see you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m separated from DH of 20+ years and 2 months ago started dating a man. I’m surprised that my nervous system or attachment system react to a boyfriend in exactly the same way as when I was a teenager or in my early 20s. When I start seeing someone I really like, I attach to him so quickly and want to be with him all the time. If I don’t see him for two days, I feel that he doesn’t want me as much as I want him, and I start to shut down emotionally and start looking around for a better fit or for someone who wants me more.

With my current boyfriend, we spent a half of last Saturday together, then I came back on Sunday afternoon and stayed until Monday evening (we both work from home). Then he invited me to come on Thursday evening and work together on Friday again but in the afternoon said that he’s not feeling well and “maybe let’s get together tomorrow”. In the meantime, another man is pursuing me and texted me today. My mind attempts to shut down all the feelings for my boyfriend because I’m hurt that he canceled our plans and I feel like he doesn’t want me that much and that maybe I should go out with another man who wants me more.

When we are together, everything is great, but I just can’t handle the separation. It’s very painful for the first two days and on day 3 I have a strong desire to meet with someone else who presumably wants me more than my boyfriend, and on day 4 I normally meet with my boyfriend, we spend a couple of very happy days together, and then the cycle repeats.

What’s going on with me and what is a normal space between the dates with a boyfriend of 2 months? We live 25 minutes away from each other.

Are you shaboinking any of these men?

I’m exclusive with my boyfriend, and it’s really good and multiple times a day when we are together.

[Anonymous]

You need therapy.

Did you come from a broken home?
Also, what's the hold up with the divorce? I'd address both of those before dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait until you discover first man is out with other women on these days he doesn't want to see you.

I thought about that, but for all the two months, we’ve spent all the weekends together. During the business days, he works and also exercises daily (training for an upcoming triathlon).