How to handle separation from a man I’m attached to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:You're suffocating the boyfriend. Just know that.

Also, be careful as you're committing adultery. In Virginia, that could come back to bite you in the ass in the financial settlement with your STBX if he finds out.

I’m trying not to suffocate him - that’s why I even met with another man as a distraction. When he told me yesterday that he wasn’t feeling well, took a nap and is going to bed after dinner again and “maybe let’s get together tomorrow”, I said: “Hope you feel well tomorrow” with a kissing emoji and didn’t share anything else that I’m sharing here.

Oh no, you realize that's worse, right?

He said he was sick so you met up with another guy? And you say he's your boyfriend and you're exclusive.

I mean it comes across as punitive behavior. Not good.

I haven’t seen another guy for 2 weeks, he texted me yesterday but I don’t want to meet with him now. I want to give my relationship with my boyfriend a better chance to develop into something meaningful, if possible.

To the other posters, this is all real. I only wanted to know the specifics as to what you think I should address in therapy. I’m not sure if this is anxiety because I don’t worry that he is seeing someone else in the meantime, I just physically miss him a lot.

Wait, just so I understand ...

You're "exclusive" with a "boyfriend" you've been seeing for two months. Yet, two weeks ago you were seeing another man.

Do I have that right?

I haven’t been intimate with another man.

My boyfriend just said that he is still sick, will finish an urgent task at work and will go back to bed. What am I supposed to do - should I volunteer to come in the evening and bring him some chicken broth and medicine?

You weren’t intimate but you “passionately kissed” another man. Google anxious attachment.

And if the "boyfriend" did anything remotely like that I imagine she'd be furious over how he cheated.

OP here. I wouldn’t even be upset about that at all, if he satisfied my physical and emotional needs and still had the energy to kiss someone else. My problem is that my needs aren’t satisfied by this relationship and I don’t have that much time left to keep waiting until he is in good mood and health to see me. Maybe we indeed are incompatible.

I think you should do him a favor and dump him.

OP, there’s no way you wouldn’t be upset. You have very little insight, which makes me suspect borderline personality.

[Anonymous]

Let the divorce settle before you start dating, figure out what you want and get in the frame of mind where pure rebound desperation isn’t an underlying situation. You have been married 20 years and are still legally married. Things may change a lot in the near future.

[Anonymous]

Idk what it is but I have a friend exactly like you, she tells me using almost the same words. She is in her late 30s and it’s frankly pathetic. I think you both need very deep therapy as it is some childhood trauma thing. Do you also tend to plan your life and being together forever and creating a happy family with every new guy? She does and is now engaged to a guy she’s known for like 4 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Idk what it is but I have a friend exactly like you, she tells me using almost the same words. She is in her late 30s and it’s frankly pathetic. I think you both need very deep therapy as it is some childhood trauma thing. Do you also tend to plan your life and being together forever and creating a happy family with every new guy? She does and is now engaged to a guy she’s known for like 4 months.

Btw she also just divorced her husband of many years

[Anonymous]

You're a hot mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I think you need to learn to enjoy being by and with yourself. And stop seeing any little disruption of plans as a personal affront. Heck, use that time to work on yourself and figuring out why you feel that way.

OP here. I think it’s because my bonding hormones increase so much when we are together that it’s really hard to go through a drop for the next few days. It’s biological. A painful withdrawal stage always makes me think that if love comes with so much pain, I don’t need love in my life. Based on this, I made a decision to marry DH many years ago. I didn’t love him, and there were no meaningful changes in my hormonal levels - not much pleasure, but no pain either.

Grow up and control your “hormones.” You’re not a feral cat.

+1. Absolutely insane to absolve yourself of responsibility because it’s your hormones’ fault.

Do you have any friends (THAT AREN’T MEN) in real life that care about you that you can share this story with?

[Anonymous]

Isn’t it amazing that a system that had long gone dormant fire right up again? I have no real advice for you except that discovering the same butterflies and near obsessive thoughts of my 20s was a huge joy to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Idk what it is but I have a friend exactly like you, she tells me using almost the same words. She is in her late 30s and it’s frankly pathetic. I think you both need very deep therapy as it is some childhood trauma thing. Do you also tend to plan your life and being together forever and creating a happy family with every new guy? She does and is now engaged to a guy she’s known for like 4 months.

No, I don’t plan my life around “every new guy”, and this is my first relationship after a long marriage. We’re very attracted to each other and hold hands all the time - outside, inside, and even in our sleep. We hug all night when we sleep together, it’s something very unusual for both of us.

Yesterday morning we were sitting on the couch watching TV, and I was eating a yogurt holding it in one hand and a spoon in the other. The moment when I left a spoon in the yogurt, he automatically detected my empty hand, grabbed it and started playing with my fingers. It took him about 5 minutes to notice that I can’t eat anymore because he is holding my hand, and we both laughed. That’s why after so much closeness it’s really hard to go back to life without him around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're a hot mess.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idk what it is but I have a friend exactly like you, she tells me using almost the same words. She is in her late 30s and it’s frankly pathetic. I think you both need very deep therapy as it is some childhood trauma thing. Do you also tend to plan your life and being together forever and creating a happy family with every new guy? She does and is now engaged to a guy she’s known for like 4 months.

No, I don’t plan my life around “every new guy”, and this is my first relationship after a long marriage. We’re very attracted to each other and hold hands all the time - outside, inside, and even in our sleep. We hug all night when we sleep together, it’s something very unusual for both of us.

Yesterday morning we were sitting on the couch watching TV, and I was eating a yogurt holding it in one hand and a spoon in the other. The moment when I left a spoon in the yogurt, he automatically detected my empty hand, grabbed it and started playing with my fingers. It took him about 5 minutes to notice that I can’t eat anymore because he is holding my hand, and we both laughed. That’s why after so much closeness it’s really hard to go back to life without him around.

Ma’am Bye

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Isn’t it amazing that a system that had long gone dormant fire right up again? I have no real advice for you except that discovering the same butterflies and near obsessive thoughts of my 20s was a huge joy to me.

Thank you. Yes, it feels amazing when we are together. For a long time when I lived with my husband I thought that I’ll stay with him for the rest of my life and will never be truly happy. I’m really glad that I’ve changed my life so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idk what it is but I have a friend exactly like you, she tells me using almost the same words. She is in her late 30s and it’s frankly pathetic. I think you both need very deep therapy as it is some childhood trauma thing. Do you also tend to plan your life and being together forever and creating a happy family with every new guy? She does and is now engaged to a guy she’s known for like 4 months.

No, I don’t plan my life around “every new guy”, and this is my first relationship after a long marriage. We’re very attracted to each other and hold hands all the time - outside, inside, and even in our sleep. We hug all night when we sleep together, it’s something very unusual for both of us.

Yesterday morning we were sitting on the couch watching TV, and I was eating a yogurt holding it in one hand and a spoon in the other. The moment when I left a spoon in the yogurt, he automatically detected my empty hand, grabbed it and started playing with my fingers. It took him about 5 minutes to notice that I can’t eat anymore because he is holding my hand, and we both laughed. That’s why after so much closeness it’s really hard to go back to life without him around.

This is exactly how my 14 year old daughter talks about her first boyfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to learn to enjoy being by and with yourself. And stop seeing any little disruption of plans as a personal affront. Heck, use that time to work on yourself and figuring out why you feel that way.

OP here. I think it’s because my bonding hormones increase so much when we are together that it’s really hard to go through a drop for the next few days. It’s biological. A painful withdrawal stage always makes me think that if love comes with so much pain, I don’t need love in my life. Based on this, I made a decision to marry DH many years ago. I didn’t love him, and there were no meaningful changes in my hormonal levels - not much pleasure, but no pain either.

Grow up and control your “hormones.” You’re not a feral cat.

+1. Absolutely insane to absolve yourself of responsibility because it’s your hormones’ fault.

Do you have any friends (THAT AREN’T MEN) in real life that care about you that you can share this story with?

OP here. We again spent 3 full days and nights together, and I’m back to square 1 and re-read this whole thread today.

I spoke with my friend (woman) yesterday, and she said that I shouldn’t show him that I miss him so much. I don’t show, and he says how he likes that I’m always calm and drama free and make life easier. Last week he said that he loves me. He proudly introduces me as his girlfriend, tells me that I’m a perfect girlfriend and that we are great together. He texted me today saying that he missed me, but when I asked if he wants to take a walk after work, he said that his feet haven’t healed yet, and he plans to go to bed early. He ran a marathon over the weekend and got some blisters, but he was perfectly fine walking in flip flops for the rest of the weekend - we hiked to the waterfall and walked around a lake.

So now I’m missing him so badly again and have trouble focusing on work or any other activities.

[Anonymous]

You need help OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need help OP.

The thing is that I’ve always been like this. When I was very young (16-20), I met with my boyfriends daily. It was so natural for both of us to see each other every day after school/work. Then I had a couple of relationships where men weren’t even in touch daily and appeared/disappeared as they wished, and I suffered so much that I married my husband just to avoid that pain.

Maybe I just need a man who wants to meet nearly daily too or just suffer through a few months with my boyfriend until we naturally decide to move in together.