when does being "the smart one" stop being a social liability?

[Anonymous]

It's tough to be book smart without the social smarts to go along with it.

It will get better. But I'd just work at strengthening his social skills. Getting defensive will not work. He's got to find a way to shoulder it but then lightly fling some trash talk back. I'd work on things he can say back. A common cheer at TJHSST back when it started in the 90s and they were losing basketball or football games was "hey hey it's ok, you're gonna work for us one day". He does need to find some nerd friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being smart is never a liability. It is how well you get along with others.

I have a very smart athletic introvert. He is humble and never brags about anything. He has always had a great group of smart friends.

BIL was valedictorian of his school and then graduated top of his class for undergrad and med school. He is and has alway been a know it all and socially awkward. I don’t think he has a lot of friends. Even to his nieces and nephews, he has an obnoxious know it all attitude. DH always tells him to tone it down. BIL is smart, attractive and earns millions and can’t seem to date well either.

My point is your child being smart should never be a liability. I was a shy smart kid. I never had problems making friends. I ended up at Harvard. I’m not sure I come off smart. I have always downplayed how smart I was.

Yes. I have kids at two different "Big3" private schools. Being smart is social gold unless you're a braggart about it.
The kids who are braggarts (and there aren't many) are generally kids who don't have good social skills or who are neuroatypical and struggle to relate so they compensate by being braggarts or know-it-alls or whatnot. I'm sure they don't mean to be jerks. They chronically can't relate so they develop ways of seeming relevant or getting air time in social situations that ultimately hurt themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's different for boys but my DD13 is one of the top students, if not the top. If she isn't, people generally think she is. This is not a school with lots of impressive, striving kids. She does well socially. She is also involved in several extracurriculars. Maybe that helps.

I would hesitate to label his social issues as a result of his intelligence. Think about what else it could be. How does he act? How does he treat others? My kid is far from perfect, but she's easy to get along with and very confident. If someone comes up to her and says, x is mad at you or y has a crush on you, or whatever. She's basically like, cool. She doesn't feed into any drama. Consider how your son might be interacting.

I wouldn't say the social issues are his. He's funny and fits in well from what we can see and what his teacher claims. But he's got a thin skin, for sure, and a lot of stories he relates to us are more teasing than bullying, imo. So, what I'm really wondering is when the teasing ends and everyone will leave him alone.

[Anonymous]

Being smart is not a liability. It is how you carry yourself. For boys, athleticism often has the most social capital. I have one boy in middle and high school. We live in an area with a well educated population so many parents from top universities. No one is teasing anyone for being smart. The most popular boys are often rich, good looking, athletic and also smart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being smart is never a liability. It is how well you get along with others.

I have a very smart athletic introvert. He is humble and never brags about anything. He has always had a great group of smart friends.

BIL was valedictorian of his school and then graduated top of his class for undergrad and med school. He is and has alway been a know it all and socially awkward. I don’t think he has a lot of friends. Even to his nieces and nephews, he has an obnoxious know it all attitude. DH always tells him to tone it down. BIL is smart, attractive and earns millions and can’t seem to date well either.

My point is your child being smart should never be a liability. I was a shy smart kid. I never had problems making friends. I ended up at Harvard. I’m not sure I come off smart. I have always downplayed how smart I was.

Yes. I have kids at two different "Big3" private schools. Being smart is social gold unless you're a braggart about it.
The kids who are braggarts (and there aren't many) are generally kids who don't have good social skills or who are neuroatypical and struggle to relate so they compensate by being braggarts or know-it-alls or whatnot. I'm sure they don't mean to be jerks. They chronically can't relate so they develop ways of seeming relevant or getting air time in social situations that ultimately hurt themselves.

Again, we're no longer in DC, though I grew up there and know this phenomenon well. In other, less wealthy areas, being smart is different, and that makes you a target, no matter how well you're otherwise socialized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being smart is not a liability. It is how you carry yourself. For boys, athleticism often has the most social capital. I have one boy in middle and high school. We live in an area with a well educated population so many parents from top universities. No one is teasing anyone for being smart. The most popular boys are often rich, good looking, athletic and also smart.

This is part of the issue - he plays golf and swims, though neither are school sports. His classmates all play football and make fun of him for not doing so.

But we do not live in a highly educated area anymore.

[Anonymous]

My dcs are both excellent students and it's not a liability at all. What is is being "nerdy", too into grades, talking a lot about school work, or any behavior seen as odd, too shy, too this or that...I was that way so I get it, but it's not an intelligence issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being smart is never a liability. It is how well you get along with others.

I have a very smart athletic introvert. He is humble and never brags about anything. He has always had a great group of smart friends.

BIL was valedictorian of his school and then graduated top of his class for undergrad and med school. He is and has alway been a know it all and socially awkward. I don’t think he has a lot of friends. Even to his nieces and nephews, he has an obnoxious know it all attitude. DH always tells him to tone it down. BIL is smart, attractive and earns millions and can’t seem to date well either.

My point is your child being smart should never be a liability. I was a shy smart kid. I never had problems making friends. I ended up at Harvard. I’m not sure I come off smart. I have always downplayed how smart I was.

Yes. I have kids at two different "Big3" private schools. Being smart is social gold unless you're a braggart about it.
The kids who are braggarts (and there aren't many) are generally kids who don't have good social skills or who are neuroatypical and struggle to relate so they compensate by being braggarts or know-it-alls or whatnot. I'm sure they don't mean to be jerks. They chronically can't relate so they develop ways of seeming relevant or getting air time in social situations that ultimately hurt themselves.

I don’t know if BIL realizes how obnoxious he is. It is all about the delivery. For any or most topics, he takes over and rattles off facts and the conversation goes south. This is with adults. He gives off this vibe that he is superior and the other person is inferior since he has more knowledge on the subject. It is bad enough with adults but he does the same thing with my kids who are in elementary, middle and high school!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being smart is not a liability. It is how you carry yourself. For boys, athleticism often has the most social capital. I have one boy in middle and high school. We live in an area with a well educated population so many parents from top universities. No one is teasing anyone for being smart. The most popular boys are often rich, good looking, athletic and also smart.

This is part of the issue - he plays golf and swims, though neither are school sports. His classmates all play football and make fun of him for not doing so.

But we do not live in a highly educated area anymore.

You move to Texas? Lol.

Maybe he loves those things but maybe you need to help him diversify his activities away from all the preppy stuff. I doubt it's just his 'smarts' but the whole package.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends on HOW smart.

Nothing extreme. We did have him tested with the plan of moving him into public if he tested gifted - he just crossed the threshold, but he begged to stay at his current school.

In that case, HS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being smart is not a liability. It is how you carry yourself. For boys, athleticism often has the most social capital. I have one boy in middle and high school. We live in an area with a well educated population so many parents from top universities. No one is teasing anyone for being smart. The most popular boys are often rich, good looking, athletic and also smart.

This is part of the issue - he plays golf and swims, though neither are school sports. His classmates all play football and make fun of him for not doing so.

But we do not live in a highly educated area anymore.

My kids best sports are golf and tennis so I get not getting the acknowledgment from the kids because they don’t see how good they are. My boys still throw the football around and play basketball with other boys. From what I have seen over the years, you are either part of the group who basically just run around together whether it was tag in early elementary to soccer, football or basketball during recess, you play or don’t play. I don’t think intelligence matters much.

[Anonymous]

When your EQ catches up with your IQ, the social stuff gets better. But also, middle school kids will make fun of anything and everything so sometimes it’s just developing a thicker skin during those years. In high school people seem to settle more into their friend groups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's different for boys but my DD13 is one of the top students, if not the top. If she isn't, people generally think she is. This is not a school with lots of impressive, striving kids. She does well socially. She is also involved in several extracurriculars. Maybe that helps.

I would hesitate to label his social issues as a result of his intelligence. Think about what else it could be. How does he act? How does he treat others? My kid is far from perfect, but she's easy to get along with and very confident. If someone comes up to her and says, x is mad at you or y has a crush on you, or whatever. She's basically like, cool. She doesn't feed into any drama. Consider how your son might be interacting.

I wouldn't say the social issues are his. He's funny and fits in well from what we can see and what his teacher claims. But he's got a thin skin, for sure, and a lot of stories he relates to us are more teasing than bullying, imo. So, what I'm really wondering is when the teasing ends and everyone will leave him alone.

Thanks for the additional context, OP. I think the best course of action is to assume the teasing will never end, and help your son get a thicker skin. I totally understand this is easier said than done. He's still very young so it will improve as he gets older, naturally, I think. Encourage him to understand that it really doesn't matter what people say, he should know who he is. Does he have good friends who care about him, whom he enjoys spending time with? Definitely nurture those positive relationships. Also encourages interest in other activities that make him happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dcs are both excellent students and it's not a liability at all. What is is being "nerdy", too into grades, talking a lot about school work, or any behavior seen as odd, too shy, too this or that...I was that way so I get it, but it's not an intelligence issue.

Many excellent students are just smart enough. I’m not talking about your kids specifically, just saying that this is somewhat irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being smart is not a liability. It is how you carry yourself. For boys, athleticism often has the most social capital. I have one boy in middle and high school. We live in an area with a well educated population so many parents from top universities. No one is teasing anyone for being smart. The most popular boys are often rich, good looking, athletic and also smart.

This is part of the issue - he plays golf and swims, though neither are school sports. His classmates all play football and make fun of him for not doing so.

But we do not live in a highly educated area anymore.

My kids best sports are golf and tennis so I get not getting the acknowledgment from the kids because they don’t see how good they are. My boys still throw the football around and play basketball with other boys. From what I have seen over the years, you are either part of the group who basically just run around together whether it was tag in early elementary to soccer, football or basketball during recess, you play or don’t play. I don’t think intelligence matters much.

He does throw the ball around during recess. Unfortunately, he's not great at it, so they assume he's totally non-athletic and lying about going to meets, which plays into the nerd stereotype they have of him. Sometimes I think we should have let him play football, but...